Sorry for the t/j

TST or SMB could you please bump your thread? I can not find it.
T2L has been talking so much about your thread....I want to read it too!!

Angie

SMB's thread: SMB's Thread

SMB's thread: SMB's Thread

tst's thread: tst's Thread

It sounds like you are still in love with your husband afterall but you push it out of your mind so you don't get hurt over and over and again. Don't give up hope, rely on the vets here and on God. Mortaman's post on husbands and wives is great and it points to the traditional roles of wives vs what they have become and how this has hindered a lot of marriages. (Strong powerful women are scary to men!) It might be worth a read too.

Keep praying for your enemies but focus on what God can do for them, not what you want. Focus on being thankful for your blessings and what you need for your peace, comfort and strength.

You're a remarkable woman and a real inspiration to many. You had an amazing plan A in the middle of the 9 months! Your WH is still connected to you and is dealing with your absence in his life everyday. Have faith that God is working in him.

To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have. (Ken Keyes, Jr)

It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. (R Babson)

tst has, over the years, written beautiful letters and spoken sweet words to me often. In fact, during his affair, I pulled out a letter he had written just a few years before, telling me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was to him inside and out, how much he loved watching me care for our children, and that I was the most loving person he had ever known. I read that letter over and over, trying to figure out how he went from that to not loving me and leaving me. I clung to that letter. I would read it and scream, "IT WAS REAL!" Then one day, I folded it up and put it away and told myself I would never read it again. I had forgotten about it until now.

As far as examining himself, tst spent a great deal of energy throughout his adulthood examining himself. He went through rehab at 17 and had a great AA sponsor that he worked with until his death a few years back. But he was a prideful man, and strong willed and stubborn (as am I )

He had taken a hard look at himself many times over and made changes, but there was a secret place in him that was locked. A place he didn't know was there. But when God broke him after the affair, God unlocked that place that I had never been able to get to. I saw it the moment I laid eyes on him that day we went to talk about reconciling.

I can't explain it, T2L. I really can't. I just know that it was supernatural. God stripped tst of every wall he ever had in place. Not only could I reach where I had never been, tst craved me being there.


God can do things you cannot even imagine he can do.

Something else I just remembered. When tst left the second time, I spoke with someone who told me something I think could be valuable to you.

We attend a very large church. I had not ran into this lady at church at all since tst's affair began. She is actually related to tst--his dad's cousin. Our paths crossed in the hallway and I told her tst was having an affair and had left, didn't love me and said he never had.

She grabbed hold of me and held me close and told me:

You are ONE FLESH with your husband. tst doesn't realize it, but there is POWER in your prayers. Your prayers are stronger than you realize because you are one flesh.

That same day at church our minister spoke on two-word prayers, and how they are just as powerful as the long, Christianese prayers.

Help me
Save me
Break me

Those kinds of prayers.

I came home and wrote in eyeliner pencil on my mirrors (which were already covered in Bible verses) prayers for tst.

Chase after him
Deliver him
Rescue him
Save him

Everytime I looked at the mirror I read those prayers...several times a day. Most days that's all my prayers for tst consisted of. They said it all in as few words as possible.

tst told me early in recovery that when he saw those prayers he couldn't believe it. He was in the home working on our remodeling project that last month before he came home. As soon as he got there, I gathered the children and we left. He went into my/our room and read my prayers and all the verses all over the mirrors. I had no idea he saw them, let alone what it did to him to see them. He wrote in red lip liner, "I am so very sorry."

When I saw it, I said to myself, sorry for what. WTH is that suppose to mean. Now I know it meant he was filled with grief and sorrow for all that he had destroyed.

T2L, you don't know what's going on in WS's head. Don't even try to guess. Everyday, pray, then go on with your day. God will lead you through this one way or another.

T2L, you may not know, Neak is the author of an incredibly insightful book about spiritual warfare.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Wow. I am reading his thread too. It's really just mind blowing I have to say. I mean to hear a FWS and how candid he was and willing and the brokenness!!! Man!

Well my H has never really looked at his self or expressed his self. He never really wrote much on the cards I did get, although he did pick ones that he said expressed what he was feeling.

Except of course the very last card I got and was blown away at. Funny, really. HE gave me a Valentines Day card that had said thanks for being there through all the ups and downs with me and I appreciate you and Love you yada yada(He went PA 2 weeks later)....At the time I was like whoa I can't believe he wrote that much, now I know why.

H has much locked up inside of himself, but he doesn't think anything is there. I mean the ups and downs of his mood and occasional anger kinda says differently. If I would ask him things during the marriage he would say don't Dr. Phil me or psychoanalyze me. I tried to ask him questions during the marriage hoping he would see but he never felt anything was wrong with him.

I understand the supernatural. But then I do understand that the bible says (when he was in his home town) that Jesus could do no mighty work. My fear is the hardness of my H's heart. It doesn't sound like TST, although was fogged in, didn't have hardness to his heart to the Lord.

I am so glad that your H yielded to the Lord. The story is amazing.

What you Lil Neakie Pooh are you holding out on me??? Ok that's it, 3 lashes with a wet noodle for the IM holding out on me!!!

So send me the info Neakie!!!

I said the exact same words to a friend.

She told me that God told her (when praying for us) to "have hope".





His heart was very hard. I really could not see him ever coming out of it.

tst says God wrestled him and body slammed him every night for weeks.

He could not eat, he could not sleep.

And all the while, my friend and prayer warrior that I mentioned above, was praying exactly that...make his stomach churn so that he cannot eat, let him get no rest.

tst used the exact words that my friend had prayed when describing to me what God was doing to him during that "breaking time". I made sure to let my friend know God answered her word for word.

It's all so humbling.

SMB,
H has said so many bad things about Church and Christians and even mocked DD17's Christianity. That's how hard he is.

Okay, then I will continue to pray that way then. I have been praying no rest for a while now and i have been praying that God would make his self real to MR. T2L and that he would visit him as he did with Paul and....that if He could speak through donkeys then he can send skilled laborers in both their paths to bring conviction. I pray that God softens his heart and that Jesus would become a deliverer to him.

Okay I will continue on praying.

BTW....You accidentally left his name.

So did tst.

He was so ugly and dark.






Fixed that. Thank you.

T2L, stop by my sitch...
I did it...still shaking

Hey T2L, it's SMB and tst sitting here reading MB.

I have another song for you. I'm sure you know it.

Never Let Go by Matt Redman

It's a song that spoke volumes to tst the days before he came home. He said there was a song he kept hearing over and over. It was this song.

God is working in ways you don't know.

Hi T2L

This comment made me remember something that God spoke to my heart early in my journey



God just reminded me that my then WH was His prodigal, not mine.
I was able to release my WH's complete change in behavior and attitude to God and not feel responsible for whatever came next.
It also helped me focus my prayers for him as well.

Hope this helps-

Awe thanks you two Lil Love Birds! How completely adorable you're MB'ing together!

Thanks gonna go listen to it. So TST was listening to Christian music while he was a walkaway? Wow. Mr. T2L never really listened to Christian music, well I take that back he listened to 1 christian artist, his name is Kim Clement but that was mostly it. H mostly listened to a talk radio show out here. Its called KFI.


Updates, still dark. H has not called and spoken to the kids since Sunday Tomorrow will be 5 days. He has not visited them in longer than that, I think just after Christmas. I am writing it in my journal.

Not harassing me is one thing but gosh don't ignore your kids. My IM's notified him to continue to call the kids that they will eventually get over being angry with him over the nasty message they heard, but he's not calling at all.

DD17 said on Sunday she had responded to something he said and she thinks that's why hes mad and not calling. She said she told him you will never get me to believe that my mom is crazy.

Well they have been in a Plan B to him Pre-SAA and usually he will reach out to them at some point. I am glad he is not talking with them right now because its not healthy for them but its still their dad so I feel bad for them. But its pointless for him to call DS10 right now anyways he's really upset with him and will not talk.

But otherwise feel okay, DD17 and i crawled in my bed and watched a comedy together then all of us played the board game Clue after dinner.

My Birthday is in a week and a half, I'll be 39. DD17 wanted to plan a party with church friends but I am still kinda in hiding mode right now. Just need a few weeks away to process my hurts still.

BTW, what are some good family board games for ages 10-17?

I appreciate all your encouragements everyone, it means more than you know. I feel graced to keep praying for him and to try and hold on to love I have left.

Hey I saw Pep, posted something about a MB reunion thing. Do they still do that? I wish I could go hug everyone who has stood with me so far. No matter the outcome I could have never ever made it with out all of you.

Well, gonna read a little more of TST's thread and then on to PrincessMeggy's.

G'night y'all.

Oh Yeah my friend Hope3343 exposed to management yesterday, if you have time drop by her thread and give her some love. It was really hard for her but she did it.

JT,
Yes that does help. At times I go back and forth between trusting God and then I try and trust H that he can do this, if that makes sense. I know that really I need to release more to God. One of the things I have always struggled with is worry. I could worry at times for the whole world. I know God wants to carry this for me so I just need to let it go.

And yeah I took responsibility in the marriage for both of us. And if I said something he didn't like he would have an angry outburst and then I would take responsibility for it and apologize.

Things have to be different. And that means a freer T2L. A stronger T2L. A T2L that is no longer spinning her wheels to make H happy, when its an impossible task. I was set to failure because Mr. T2L is unhappy inside and I don't know why and I don't think he knows why.

I mean we both had terrible childhoods. His mom had numerous boyfriends, cheated on her 1st husband and the last man she stayed with was an diabetic hallucinating alcoholic who chased them around at nights, so I can see why he has a bit of anger. And I came from a childhood of sexual abuse. But when I came to Christ 15 years ago, I allowed God in and he brought so much healing to me and deliverance to my soul. But I didn't hide from him. My H hid from God. He loved God and served him but hid the darkest parts of his self to the only one who could free him. But now its all on the table and I truly hope, even if he doesn't return to the marriage that Mr. T2L is made free. Its one thing to hurt but a whole other to be in bondage and never taste freedom.

Thank you for sharing that, I'm going to give this to God and try not to keep taking it back by worrying so much. Boy it's hard. Feel free to chime in and slap me when you hear me worry.

Dunno 'bout you, but I think that woman had an angel on her shoulder whispering the right words to say to you.

Bless her heart!

Hon - Neak's books are better than chocolate dipped chocolate bars!