I feel like I am about to blow up at my WW. She has been out of town on business and returns tonight. Things seemed to be going well over the holidays and she has told me repeatedly she is committed to our marriage and wants to improve things. Unfortunately that is where it ends (no action to back up the statements). As soon as she left for her business trip her attitude seemed to change (short with me on the phone - too busy to talk - etc.).

We have been in this cycle for a couple of months. She has told me she has had NC with OM since early December and I have no reason to doubt that (I've checked everything I can). I know there are ways that contact could be going on but I don't know what to do to verify NC other than what I've been doing (OM lives in a town over 200 miles away from us and is not in the town she is travelling to).

I feel like laying into her and telling her she either needs to show some action that lets me know she is committed to the marriage or move on. I'm tired of the anxiety and I feel depression building. It's beginning to effect the way I deal with my kids (not doing as many fun things with them because I am always focused on WW and what I can do to improve things).

I know an AO won't accomplish anything but I am having trouble calming down. I've read SAA, HNHN and other books. I've left them where she can get them but she hasn't read anything. The one time we did talk about the relationship a couple of weeks ago I explained that not making changes isn't going to improve things. I told her feelings follow actions, etc. She said she knows she needs to do more but once again didn't follow up with any actions.

Please help me make the right move here. I am getting so frustrated and I'm normally a very calm, logical person. I have made an appointment with my Dr. to discuss possible meds to calm me down.

Hey,

BTDT. If she is in NC, she is in withdrawl, and you are banging your head on the wall, and annoying her, by trying to get mopre out of her than she is ready to give.

Withdrawal is individual. Harley says somewhere 3-6 weeks is the worse, and then it gets better. That was the pattern with my W.

Of course, NC is really hard to confirm. If she is calling him from a phone booth once a week, then the withdrawal process goes to zero.

Hang in there, get some exercise, get on anti-deps, stay away from the booze, and give her space.

One other area I need direction on - her current job will end in the next few weeks and therefore her travel will end. I know she is actively trying to find a new job so she has as little gap between positions as possible. I want to propose that she take a few months off so we can focus on improving our marriage. Do you guys think I should bring this up or is this too much "relationship" type talk? I'm not planning to tell her not to take another job but instead tell her I think taking some time off would be beneficial. We don't need the money so that is not part of the equation.

Buy a punching bag and blow off some steam.

Her work travel is a problem. Does she travel by herself? Since discovery of my FWH's A, he restricts travel as much as possible. However, if there is no way to avoid a trip it's for the shortest time possible, he checks in with me frequently, and ALWAYS travels with at least 2 other people, and I try to go with him if possible. If I'm not able to go with him, I'm still anxious to a degree so I can't imagine where you are at if your W isn't willing to ease your mind at all. I don't want to add to your anxiety but you do realize that OM could meet her in the town she is traveling to don't you? Just because she's not going to the city OM lives in doesn't mean he can't get on a plane himself.

I know she could still be meeting him. That's what is killing me. I do have his office number and have thought of calling and spoofing the caller id to see if he is at his office. I may do that today and next time she travels to check that possibility.

My conflict now is wanting to make her do things that will alleviate my anxiety and knowing that making her do anything is not only impossible but will kill any progress that we may have made.

(@&*#(*&$@#*(&$@#

No job, no travel...ignore my prior post then.

I think this would be a great time to take a break in working. The jobs she's looking at don't include travel do they?

All jobs offers she gets involve travel. This is one of the things that led to problems in our marriage years ago. I never wanted to say anything because I felt it would be controlling to ask her to find a job that didn't involve travel. I'm beyond that now but I am looking for some guidance regarding how to address this while she is in WD (hopefully) or still active in A (God I hope this isn't the case).

I'd give a different perspective. After D-day I made my WW quit her job (OM was a co-worker). She said one of the hardest times was moping around the house all day thinking about everything with time on her hands. In fact that is when she reached out and made phone contact. And as I said before, the first month or two you probably banging your head on the wall trying to get a lot of "working on the marriage" out of her.

My WW was happier once she was working and busy again. Travel is a different topic, tho, you definitely don't want that.

The travel will make recovery difficult. This is going to be an ongoing problem. I read your original thread. You have been a WS yourself and said you swept the A under the rug vs dealing with it. If that is the case you are dealing with a WW that likely has deep resentment towards you and until you help her heal from your A you two will go around in circles. An apology to her years after the fact means little to her and rightfully so. You have a rough road ahead of you.

I wish we would have found this site back when I was being an [censored]. Unfortunately I didn't handle things right. It is really hard to figure out all the emotions and how to work through them. I have come to the conclusion that my best course of action is Plan A. Hopefully this will lead to both her healing from the past and bringing her back.

I may set up a call with Steve Harley and ask if WW will join me on the call.

Lost, does she know that the traveling is what has led to this problem? And does she plan on NOT making that mistake again with her next job?

I think it is a good idea for her to take time off work so I would suggest that.

What is wrong with relationship talk?? How can you resolve anything if you are not being honest about your feelings?

See, your marriage is in a very bad place right now and her travel is making it virtually impossible for you to recover. You can't very well recover if she is not there. Travel is very hard on even good marriages.

If I were in your shoes, I would lay low, cut out the lovebusters and do your best to get her home every night and THEN you can focus on recovery. Most especially spending 15 hours together every week. It really works!

I would most certainly be bringing this up NOW!! Let her know her travel has almost certainly destroyed your marriage and if your marriage is to recover, she needs to be home every night.

We will definitely discuss her job situation when she gets back. Unfortunately I have a feeling she will not turn down any good job offers regardless of the amount of travel. I hope I'm wrong but at this point I don't get the feeling she would make that type of sacrifice. I'll let her know how I feel about it and see where it goes from there.

Melody - regarding relationship talks - I recall reading multiple places to avoid relationship talks and let the WS initiate any talks. I read I was supposed to focus on light, fun topics.

Yeah, i think if it is something tangible that has to be discussed, like the job thing, than ya gotta do it.

But sitting around looking for heartfelt remorse, ironclad commitment or expressions of true love in the first months after D-day of a serious emotional and physical affair is a fool's errand.

You may as well talk to a wall while twisting a knife in your heart as romance a withdrawn WS.

Edit: I'll go further, it is definitely counter-productive.

Yes, Lost2008...I told you to avoid "relationship talks", but I don't think I was too clear...I said that based on her being in withdrawal, so trying to educate her or make her be mad in love with you right now would likely not go as you would hope...

HOW.EV.ER...

The deal regarding the job is something that is PARAMOUNT to what got you guys to where you are in the first place...That is something that is TIMELY because she needs to know BEFORE she takes another job that will put your marriage in jeopardy again...Yes, be honest with her about your boundaries there...for sure...

Mrs. W

Lost, (love that show!)

""I hope I'm wrong but at this point I don't get the feeling she would make that type of sacrifice.""

OK, so it sounds like it would come down to this. You ask her to get a job where there is no travel. She insists on getting a job with travel.

So you RELENTand back down and say, OK honey, you go ahead and get that traveling job. I'll just stay here going out of my mind until I DO go out of my mind!!

Or you tell her you WILL NOT ACCEPT her traveling anymore in her job. She must get a job that does not involve travel.

I believe this is a boundary that must be established. If she laughs in your face and packs her bags, then I guess you know where you stand.

Many BSs have made their WSs quit their jobs because the OP worked with the WS. This seems to be a similar sitch.

Plan A is being the best H you can be, but you don't take any crap from her either!

I can't tell if you are putting you foot down and standing up for yourself or if you are afraid.

And if you are afraid, what are you afraid of?

IMHO

kirk

Lost,

"(OM lives in a town over 200 miles away from us and is not in the town she is travelling to)."

My first thought was he can sure travel to the town she is traveling to!!

I would make that spoof call to the office, or have someone else do it.

How long is she gone when she travels?

Most job traveling folks I know HATE IT!!

kirk

As someone that did force my WW to quit her job, I obviously see your point. But my WW had a McJob, not a career. And she worked right with the OM.

From what I can gather, Lost's WW does not work with the OM. If she has a career that demands travel, that is perhaps a bigger problem. Making demands of WS at this early stage DOES make them pack bags and walk.

Conversely, I must say, immediately after my D-day, we were counseling with Jennifer H and I had to take a business trip. Jennifer FREAKED, wanted me to cancel, take my W, anything but leave in those first few weeks. If I had to go she wanted us to talk constantly by phone.

The trip was cancelled (Wayward Witch initiated contact anyway)

anyway, I guess what I'm saying is travle in the near term is definitely a bad thing, but it may be unreasonable to make it a permanent demand.

If she does not want to give up her traveling, are you willing to endure more affairs and an unstable, bad marriage? That will be the question. If you are AFFAIR AVERSE, you might want to make this a boundary issue, such as:

"I am willing to stay and work on the marriage, if you are willing to make the necessary changes that will result in a recovery. I am willing to make the necessary changes on my end. But I am not willing to stay in the marriage AS IT IS."

BUT....if you do not mind multiple affairs - which is what you will get if she doesn't stop leading a life that invites affairs - then accept her refusal and agree to be one of her BOYS.

It depends on what your goal is. If your goal is a recovered marriage, then you should not settle for less. If your goal is just to keep your wife at any and every cost and put up with any kind of abuse, then you should accept the status quo. If you do want to keep her at any cost and intend on tolerating her abuse, I would stock up on the booze and the narcotics NOW so you can get become accustomed, like some others here, to drowing your pain with massive doses of booze and narcotics. Personally, I would rather be dead than live like that, but that is just me. YMMV

Brief threadjack...


HA! As a "Former Wayward Witch", this has me ROTFLMAO! Dat wuz funny Mike!

Mrs. W

P.S. Great post from Mel, Lost, she is EXACTLY right!