Are you talking about the OP and accidentally quoted BK?

WHAT???

Vladie in a recovered marriage the priority of BOTH spouses is to meet the other's needs...

Could you please explain? I'm simply NOT getting what you are trying to say?

Are you of the belief that BK should not meet his wife's needs? That she should only meet his?

Mrs. W

Gotcha Vladie...Thanks for clearing that up!

I was confused when you seemed to be asking BK directly about NC and snooping...

Mrs. W

Well I have not done that, but I always keep in mind how I would treat a new boyfriend and that is how I treat my H. I guess I need to step up my game. Tonight my H called me just after I dropped our daughter off at gymnastics, we usually go out to dinner during that time but he was running late (we only had about 40 minutes) and he said jokingly "want to meet me in the parking lot for a BJ" I responded with an enthusiatic "sounds good to me". But then he said meet me at our favorite sushi place. In hindsight I am thinking I should have jumped in his car when he pulled up at the sushi place and given him a BJ. I did send him a text after dinner saying "thanks for the quickie" referring to the quick dinner.

Thanks for the idea! I have all kinds of plans going through my head as I type.

Sorry BigK!

I'll try and say what I am trying to say:

As I understand it, once the A is over and recovery begins its the BS who initially does most of the work by meeting the WS EN's while getting little in return. Once the withdrawl is over the WS should be grateful for the BS standing by them and start meeting the BS's EN's.

I do not believe that the BS should ever stop meeting the FWS's EN's! But if the FWS does not pick up the slack (in this case its 2 yrs on) I would be getting a little worried.

I think I am giving him way more than she ever did!!

Great! I'm glad you got what I was saying!

Hi Verve! I love to hear from you! Don't ever worry about tj with me.

I have seen a huge return, my H does many things daily to show me he loves me. But here is the problem, he shows me love by doing things that make him feel loved, but he doesn't get that different things make me feel loved.

I am feeling some resentment about him ignoring my requests. I've heard so many men complain that they are not mind readers, yet if my H is stopping by the store and asks me if I need him to pick up anything and I playfully say yeah bring me some flowers, then he doesn't do it.

No he hasn't read those books. He never reads books.

Have you both done the EN questionairre? Then worked through plans to meet each other's EN's?

I have never stopped snooping and am sure that NC is in place. My H really is trying and he has been really wonderful for the most part.

The more I think about it, it is starting to sound stupid for me to be complaining that I want flowers and I want my H to chase me and to give me what the OW got.

I am thinking that is my fantasy world getting the best of me.

In my real world, my H snuggles with me every morning, makes me tea every morning, sweetly kisses me goodbye and goes to work, calls me throughout the day, answers his phone whenever I call him, takes me to lunch whenever I stop by his office, comes home early and greats me with a kiss, takes care of our animals, takes care of all the mail and bills, enjoys eating dinner with me and is appreciative of me cooking for him.

See where I get frustrated is that if there had never been OW I would not have any complaints with my H. All of my complaints stem from the blow my self esteem has taken.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

It's natural for us to fill needs for our spouse the way we would like them filled - it's hard breaking old habits.

Perhaps you could get Dr Harley's DVD on the basic concepts - it's really good! and do the EN survey..

TryingToLetItGo, The above is fine however it is also the same type of things my nine year old daughter does when she goes to school, does her chores and works on the ranch....

THESE are not the type of things that your FWH gave the OW and IS the reason you still feel empty inside...

The inequality will continue to burn inside of you until you either explode or just don't care anymore...

When you beg your husband for flowers and he refuses you are reminded that the OW wasn't refused...

Bigkahuna steered you in exactly the right direction when he suggested the trenchcoat at your husband's work

You ARE on the right track with SHOWING YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU WANT BY EXAMPLE AND BOY DOES IT WORK!!!

It is exactly this way that I was able to SHOW my wife what I needed to heal.

THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU MUST COMMUNICATE TO YOUR HUSBAND IS THAT YOU NEED HIM TO SHOW LUST, DESIRE AND APPRECIATION FOR YOU!!!

Some husbands and wives feel that those things that they bestowed on the OP are inappropriate in a marriage. You must REMIND THEM THEY ARE INAPPROPRIATE IN ADULTERY BUT ARE VERY, VERY APPROPRIATE IN A HEALTHY LOVING MARRIAGE!!!

Keep showing him HOW YOU WANT TO BE LOVED and it won't be long til you see two VERY TIRED, VERY CONTENT faces smiling in the mirror!!!

Good luck and have fun!!!

God bless.

Jim

Have you read these books?

I just ordered it!

Now I have even more questions about the A. Now I am wondering if my H did do these things for OW. I have never really asked about what their daily life was like when he moved in with her. I just figured they spent all their time having sex since my H told me they had sex up to 3 times a day.

It burns at me that my H gave her anything. He was with her during Christmas 2006 and I just recently asked him what gifts they exchanged. I was surprised to hear that the gifts were so stupid and not romantic in the least.

What if what I want is for him to pursue me and for the past two years I have been pursing him and he loves it, but really does not do it in return? Or what if I gave him multiple BJ's every week, but I very rarely get one in return? This is what I am having trouble with, the more I think about it I do think I am showing him what I want, short of the trenchcoat at work. On Christmas I dropped off our daughter at our friends house and came back home to make stuffing to bring back over there, but before I cooked I surprised my H by putting on sexy lingerie. Then last week we were dirt bike riding and camping in our RV and when the kids were all out riding I grabbed my H and snuck inside for sex, now the joke with our camping group is that it takes us a long time to put on our riding gear. I am only giving these examples to explain that I really do think I am showing my H what I want by giving it to him, but it just seems like I am making him happy and I am still feeling like something is missing.

I have told him so many times it makes me cry right now thinking about the conversations we have had about it.

I don't think that my H feels that these things are inappropriate in our marriage. I think he just doesn't feel compeled to do them like he did with OW.

This is what I want. Right now I look in the mirror and see a very tired face (mine) and a I look into my H's eyes and see a very content man.

You won't get it. Ever. Why? You answered that question yourself:


You won't ever get that "new relationship" feeling out of him EVER. Especially now that he's had a recent taste of what a new relationship actually feels like.

You might as well tell a crackhead to put down the pipe and have a cigarette instead.

I'm trying to accept this fact. It makes me angry and bitter, but it's true:

A BS IS NEVER GOING TO GET WHAT THE OP GOT, BECAUSE THE BS CAN NEVER BE NEW AND EXCITING AGAIN. EVER.

Even if the FWS looks you in the eye and swears it's every bit as exciting with you, they're lying. NOTHING is more exciting than the first few times with a new person.

So, you have to live with it. You won't ever get what the OP got. You can't. To try is a waste of time, and only sets you up for failure. You will always be the same old, same old as long as you are with your FWS.

But hey...they loooove you. :RollieEyes:

Sounds like I'm married to your H's twin

I've always been one to say I shouldn't have to tell him to bring me flowers, leave me notes etc but after his A, I found out that I did need to tell him, he's male and doesn't know.

Well I tell him now and he STILL doesn't do it!!

What's up with that?

Krazy,

I realize you still harbor anger and resent towards your W. I do towards my H as well, but this does not have to be so. If the most exciting time of any M is when you first began dating or if the best sex was on the honeymoon, we all might as well throw our hands up and just wait for death because nothing would ever compare. I enjoyed many years of excitement with my FWH and they were awesome. I will have that again. The only way I won't is if I want to stay bitter and angry forever. No thanks.

Here is why I have a problem with what has been said on your thread.

You are being advised that the solution to you not getting your ENs met is for YOU to meet FWHs ENs better. That's not what MB teaches.

MB teaches that if BOTH spouses are meeting EACH OTHER'S top ENs, they will fall/stay romantically in love. You meeting his ENs does not ensure that HE will meet yours, or even know how to.

Your FWS must not only want to meet your ENs, he must want to know HOW.

Right now, you have communicated to your FWS HOW to meet yours, and he refuses to do so.

THAT is the issue, not how many BJs you give in a week.

Your husband is refusing to work the basic principles of MB. Maybe because he doesn't know how. Maybe because he doesn't know why it is so important.

Your FWS is WITHDRAWING units from your love bank, and his account is already much lower than he realizes just because of the affair. Does he understand the love bank idea? Does he realize he is withdrawing units?

From your posts, it sounds like FWH hasn't read any MB materials. Is that correct?

What MB materials have you read?

Is your FWH on board with MB?