First, let me say, I've probably lucked out big time.

My wife and I married 3 years ago in 2005, 2nd marriage for both of us. She will be turning 50 next month and I'm 5 years younger than she is. We are both professional people with careers.

I know I was an awful husband to her. My wife is a very passionate woman and I literaly pushed her away from me as far as intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I know she felt hurt, rejected and her self esteem was shot. My problem was that I was a user (and probably addicted) to pornography. What I wanted came first in my life.

We lived together for two years after we were married, but as things broke down, we separated in the Fall of 2007. Since we knew we couldn't live with each other, we tried to re-create the good times when we were dating by just going out with each other a couple times a week.

Of course, that plan fell apart completely.

As the year went on in 2008, we communicated less and less although we did get together sexually almost once a week.

Eventually my wife figured that she had enough and actively started to pursue other relationships. As I found out later, in her mind the marriage was over when we seperated (probably before that.) She later told me she considered our relationship as "friends with benefits."

Around November, my wife found another man and began to date him. They became sexual and at that time, my wife called me to have the divorce discussion. Since I had no idea what was going on and I still had the "don't care" attitude, I pleasantly said "OK" and for some reason, figured things would go on as usual. I pressured her and we had sex that very night. (twisted, eh?)

Anyway, a couple of days later I went to her office just to talk and as I was talking to her, the realization hit me square between the eyes. As our conversation was off in some direction, the question came to me, "Are you seeing somebody?" I asked her, and she admitted that she in fact, had a boyfriend. My initial reaction was not good. Things like "How could you do this to me?" and "What were you thinking?" We argued, later I called her and demanding that she give me back her diamond engagement ring. She actually complied.

Later on that evening, after my anger subsided, I began to seriously think about things. I became overwhelmed with desparation and I knew that I wanted to have a healthy relationship with my wife. Later that night I called my wife and asked her (begged) that if she wouldn't give herself to this man, that I would do any thing I could to make our marriage work. She didn't have much to say, but agreed to talk to me the next day.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep, so I decided I needed to clear my conscience. I started gathering up all of my porn, movies and computer files and started to delete and throw out the stuff. Later I decided to pray. I hadn't talked to God in ten years. Of course I realized that I only approached God when I had a great need, but I prayed very hard that God would somehow save this marriage.

This was probably God working, but the next day my wife got the news from work that she was going to be moved back to her old area at work, this was a bad career move for her. Very devastating. Anyway, she called me to tell me about it and I asked her if I could see her and she agreed. She cancelled her date with her boyfriend that night and we spent the day talking.

Over the next two days she broke off her relationship with her BF. There's other details, but this post is getting rather lengthy. The real kicker is that from the time she first had sex with her BF, to our discussion of divorce, to the start of our reconciliation was within a weeks time! She was actually with him two times during that week.

We have since been living together again for a little over a month now... my prior porn use is out in the open, and she has grabbed a hold of that as the root of our past problems. From my perspective I would say there were some other issues, both mine and hers, but I guess it's OK if she wants to frame the past that way.

I've taken over some housecleaning tasks, I do the dishes every day (something I did before), but now I take care of the cat litter and all of the garbage and do any other obvious things I happen to see (ie. pick up things) I also devote my evenings to her, have dinner, sit down together for the evening, go to bed at the same time, etc. She marvels at the changes she sees in me. I hope I have the strength to continue on with my new priorities in place.

I believe that she had some comitted love for me remaining at the time of the blow up, but after a month, I can see that we are more passionate with each other than when we were dating. We of course, got back into marriage counseling right away (I'm an active participant now.) We are looking for a church, but not looking real hard. That's probably something I better push a little harder for. (she's OK with it)

She did tell me that she felt God was talking to her earlier and asking her what choice she should make. She told me that in her heart of hearts she wanted to be with me, but did not see that happening so she opted for the man that was available to her. That's just an interesting tidbit, but I'm not going to doubt her on her relationship with God.

Anyway things seem to be going very well.

I felt like her relationship was an affair, even though we weren't living together and things were falling apart. My wife and I made love just enough that I still had a small attachment to her. That ultimately, probably was our lifeline. Anyway, after a little over a month, I almost have this completely reconciled in my mind. I'm starting to see that the short time she had with this other man is rather insignificant. She took me back, we're really in to each other and things look optimistic for the future.

My only problem... this has all happened so fast, my head is spinning. I think things will settle down in time.

Hey Roy, what an awesome story! I see many parallels to my story. My H and I married in our 40's, it was not a first marriage and we were both basically freeloaders in the marriage. Our marriage quickly started falling apart because we did absolutely nothing to maintain or build up our marriage.

We have turned that around quite dramatically and have turned our marriage into a happy, fulfilling marriage by practicing the traits of BUYERS, instead of freeloaders. A great marriage can change the quality of one's life and it sure has in my case.

The biggest difference in my marriage was learning HOW to maintain a great marriage at a Marriage Builders weekend seminar. We took tests and questionaires and learned how to foster and build romantic love in our marriage. In my last marriage, the romance quickly died. Dr Harley teaches you how SUSTAIN the romance.

If I were you, I would check into a MB weekend. It is a life changing experience that really does work.

Here is an explanation of the terms I used above. It is a real eye opener:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Melody, thanks for the insight. We have used some of the resources on this site. We'll have to look into some of the other things.

Hi Roy,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I usually add that I'm sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but in your case, it seems the circumstances were a catalyst to reviving your marriage.

Your story reminds me of mine in a number of ways. Like you, I was a bad husband, only it was over a longer period of time (9 years as opposed to two). We never seperated, but my wife was very withdrawn from me emotionally, and she skirted the edge of an affair with an ex-boyfriend. When I found out she wanted a divorce (thru snooping), I had a similar sleepless night as you did, and then I immediately instituted similar changes as yours... and my wife responded as quickly as yours did, so fast it made my head spin! We've spent the past 4 years building a better marriage than I'd ever dreamed possible!

Also like you, I had an obsession that was, from my wife's perspective, the root of all our problems. It wasn't porn for me, it was a stupid hobby, but I also gave it up for good, and have been better off ever since.

I understand the pain you have from your wife's relationship with this OM. But I also understand how you are feeling you are very lucky, and in truth you are. Read here any length of time, and you'll see some truly horrible stories about Wayward Spouses who are vindictive, cruel and heartless. Your wife wanted you... but had come to the conclusion it would never happen. My wife had the same idea, that things would never change.

I do have to say that your seperation was a very, very risky endeavour... especially since you led almost entirely seperate lives. Your response to her asking for a divorce was probably very disheartening for her as well... because I'm sure that down deep she was hoping you still cared. Well... she knows now. Don't seperate again! You've managed to recover something incredibly valuable, something priceless beyond compare, and now that you have your marriage back, you need to do all you can to build it up. As you do so, you will find that the marriage you always dreamed of, the relationship you always wanted but never thought you'd ever see... is right there in front of you.

In my case, my head was spinning for months. We went through a very intense period of about 6 months where it was like all I could think of was her. Like the first stages of new love, all over again. I'll bet you are going thru the same thing right now.

Since then, I've worked to learn everything I can about marriages and I've worked to make my wife my top priority... and it has paid off. We are closer now than we were 4 years ago when we reconnected.

I encourage you to do the same. Read all of the material on this website, because it will teach you a lot about how marriages work, and about things you can do to promote and enhance the closeness and intimacy you and your wife now share. Make your marriage top priority... and you won't regret it.

Good for you, too, for reconnecting with your faith. All those years wasted with the porn obsession, I feel the same way about my hobby obsession... but you can put all that behind you and make a fresh start with God and with your wife.

You are right... in my opinion, you've lucked out big time. Don't let it go to waste...

And... enjoy your newfound happiness!!

CC,

thanks for the reply... it's hard finding information on the internet for the man's perspective... you've spoken directly to my heart and mind. Thanks for sharing your similar situation.

roy (alias)

Not a problem! Stories like yours don't come around every day, and I am happy anytime I see a marriage restored!

I was reading the thread about "I want what the OW got"... Sure my wife had an exciting experience with a new lover a month ago... but the sex I'm getting with her now is like sex with a new lover, although I know it's better. Just because we have perfected our techniques with each other over the years and we know how to give each other the pleasure we each desire. And we're having a lot more of it!!

But an affair is a nasty way to have your eyes opened... It's too bad people don't confront the situation before the affair begins.

Reconciliation could begin before the ultimate hurt and betrayal takes place. In reality, that's not the way of things.

On the otherhand, there's no excuse for jerk husbands, like my former self, who put my wife through so much misery.

I found that those six months right after we reconnected were very intense. I don't mean to sound insensitive... but it felt like I was having an affair... with my wife.

That intensity doesn't last forever, but while it is there use it to help lay the foundations of the new marriage you have.

I've found that while the intensity doesn't last... the in love feelings continue on... and the intimacy gets more real, or in other words, you can get even closer to each other.


One sad thing I've seen is that most of the time, a husband doesn't realize things are wrong until the wife is already in an affair. I've seen time and time again that a husband comes here for help and it is so evident there is already an affair.

And it is a terrible way to get your eyes open. I am very fortunate in that my wife avoided an affair - although she came pretty close.


I rarely think about my wife's ex-boyfriend anymore... or the fact that she came close to an affair. Instead, when I think about the past, I think about all the wasted time and missed opportunities I had to show her I loved her. I don't dwell on it... and I don't waste my time wallowing in sadness and guilt... but I use the memory of how selfish I was as a spur, to remain focused on the marriage and on things that matter.