My husband has some problems with lying...
I always told myself that if I made the environment in the home one of openness - one that encourages honesty without bad consequence - that he would stop feeling the need to lie. As a result I think I may have forced myself to forgive too much too easily and he has never stopped lying. Sometimes it is about really senseless things like how far he is from home when I call while he is on the way.

this has always bothered me - I value honesty. I know everyone is imperfect and I too have and will still continue to make mistakes... I just kept feeling like if you are always lying about the small things, what else do you lie about.
However I always try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

This week he told me that he is trying to stop lying and become more transparent. He told me that he has been very unhappy with our sex life for over a year. I remember on several occasions asking him to tell me if he was unhappy and he just kept saying there is nothing he is not happy with - this was while I was trying to get him to see my own unhappiness. I also did a lot of things I was not comfortable with because he liked it, but to be honest I started seeing sex as something that just exists to please him and I think it was because so many of my needs were being overlooked. I was upset when he told me this because he had been lying about it for so long... However as always I just let it go - feeling like at least he is trying to be honest.

2 days later - after I scrapped together the courage to just start doing something about our current situation and discussed my thoughts with him, he drops another bomb on me. He told me that he had had an incident 6-7 months back at a bar where a girl pushed him up against the car and stuck her hand in his pants and touched him. He swears he did nothing and got in his car and drove off. My husband has a very high sex drive (sometimes I think he might be a sexual addict) and I find it hard to believe that he would just walk away. He says he considered it for a moment and that is why he felt too guilty to tell me. It deeply disturbs me that he managed to keep this from me so effortlessly for so long.

He was sick a while ago and the doctor said it looked like an std. his reaction was weird because he seemed so scared of the results even though both of us were virgins when we started out with each other...

I don't know how I am meant to react to this. I was crying all night and wrestling with myself because I am not sure I believe him to begin with, and secondly, I fear that by letting it slide I am saying lying is ok again.

He seems remorseful, but keeps asking me why I am upset. My husband is also an expert at saying sorry to the point where it has lost its meaning. He also keeps telling me that my reaction makes him want to not share things with me again... How am I supposed to not be hurt and disappointed in the lies? AM I overreacting? How do I know that is all he is hiding? and that I can trust him to be telling the truth in future?

P

Wow, PP1. I wonder if this shouldn't be posted under the Infidelity Forum. While I'm sure a few exist, I personally have never met a woman who would walk up to a strange man in a bar and shove her hands down his pants. And yes, I've been acquainted with some pretty forward women in my years of life. If this is really all that happened (big doubt about that) I have to think he did something to invite this alleged "violation". I don't know of course, but it's extremely, and uncomfortably suspicious.

You state your H has a very high sex drive, yet you see sex as something that just exists to please him. There is a disconnect here and if SF is one of his top ENs (I suspect it is?), it could be just the excuse he needs to seek attention elsewhere.

You state he's a known liar. You say he has a high sex drive. He had a very inappropriate encounter with a woman in a public place yet withheld it from you for up to 7 months. He was nervous when a doctor thought he might have an STD... Something big is going on here and I'm sorry to say I don't think it's a good thing.

Consider asking a moderator to move this to the Infidelity Forum's General Discussion. I really hope I'm wrong and you don't belong there, but...

Good luck.

What L4 said.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but you need to start quietly snooping. From what you describe, I would suspect H is having an affair.

Thanks guys for the replies...
My head is spinning! Here I am thinking I am being too hard on him... I will ask the moderators to move the post:(

Based on what you've described, I would be keylogging his PC or watching credit card statements for evidence of H hooking up with strangers, or paying for sex acts.

this is all so sad and sickening at the same time.

I asked him again whether he had sex - or any sexual act with this girl. He insists he does not remember - says he was too drunk. I don't believe him.

After some prompting he said he thinks he might have had a bj that night, but he doesn't know for sure... Am I seriously supposed to believe that?

Also a few months back he told me he stopped to pick up a prostitute but changed his mind when she got into the car. He says he just wanted someone to talk to... He swears to this.

I feel sick to my stomach!!! I'm trying not to have an AO or do anything in retribution. It hurts that he did this while I was so invested in the relationship. I just don't understand why he would do this to me? Whatever it is that he has done seeing as "he doesn't remember" anything. ARRRGGGHHHH!

I would suggest having him take a Polygraph.

I am so frustrated and confused. I don't even know what is real anymore or if I am just wasting time trying to convert a habitual liar. how does one trust someone like that?

I am SO not perfect and have done my fair share to contribute to all of this, but I am such a confused mess.

Does this mean my husband is a WH? Im not sure how to gather proof - i think if he did do anything it would have been ONS and he would have used cash if he paid for anything.

He seems so hurt that I do not believe him, but I think I am too naive and need to ask more questions.

Am I crazy?

It may not be a waste of your time to recover with your husband.

However, you husband may need to be honest with you about what he's lying to protect. He's trying to protect something, and I'm guessing now that you are on the trail, he's starting to get uncomfortable that his secret is going to come out. Which is is making you feel crazier, with his actions-because he is going to further lengths to protect them.

My husband was able to look me right into my eyes, and lie to me, in order to protect his secret (which for him was addiction issues.) As soon as my husband's secret was out in the open, well, it was a starting place for real honesty from him.

I'm unsure why there wouldn't be any consequences for your husband's actions. There's a difference between punishing him and you deciding to enforce some boundaries to keep you safe in the relationship. Boundaries can be delivered in a loving fashion.

thanks inrecoverynow,I really appreciate the response.

I think the uncertainty is killing me more than anything. My stomach is turning the whole time.

I sat him down and told him that I can handle the truth and will not be upset if only he would be honest with me. He swears he is being honest. I don't know what to believe!

Please let me know how you enforced loving boundaries. I am just such a mess right now and trying to contain my feelings and not lash out at him.

BTW, am I still supposed to be meeting his need for SF? I feel like I don't know who is getting into bed with me when I am with him... I have no clue what to do:(

I'd be afraid to have SF with him if he has an STD. I think a polygraph and then a visit to the doctor are in order.

I would bet he is lying to cover up his infidelity and sex addiction. He sounds a lot like the f@#$ed up FOM I was with. I'm so glad my STD tests came out clean.

Porcupine,
I'm sorry if that came across as too harsh. I know you're confused and hurting.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but is your husband possiby bi-polar?

I suggest that YOU go for counseling. I doubt your hubby is going to change and you need to be prepared to have a nice life anyway.

Also, I would start looking for a job so that you can be financially independent.

DITTO what she said !

Thank you for the reply MrsZonie. It's not harsh:) I need as much feedback as possible.

I am planning to get myself tested next week for all STDs, I am not sure how I will learn to trust him again seeing as he is still insisting that he has no clue what happened, but obviously I will have to - somehow - or get out...

I am not sure about the bipolar issue. I will read up on that...

Thank you Pepperbrand and believer. Appreciate all the feedback.

I agree, I think I need to work on me and stop looking to him for support...

I have been finding it incredibly hard to focus on me this past week. All I have been doing is swinging from anger to resentment to being hurt and crying all the time. I have been trying to not have AOs at my H, but I just can't help it sometimes. In my mind I am breaking things and screaming in frustration, but I never act that out. I am NOT an angry person usually, but for the past 5 months and especially the last week I have been REALLY angry.

I am such a state of withdrawal - sometimes I fluctuate between withdrawal and conflict. My love bank is beyond empty and every time I think I must "man"-up and do what needs to be done, I get hit by another blow.

How does one get from that state of withdrawal if ones partner is not willing to start meeting your emotional needs and stop LBing? And how do I stop LBing and meeting his needs when I feel like I don't even know why I am still here. I don't think I love this man anymore. I get triggers every day all over the place of the reasons why I am in this unhappy withdrawn place. Am I meant to be implementing planA? How when I am withdrawn?

Does anyone know what I mean? Any advice for how to move beyond this? How to start looking out for me? He gets jealous and insecure when I start focusing on me... but I know I have to commit to that.

Well, a boundary for me personally is that I will no engage in any sex with my husband if I'm feeling "unsafe" in the marriage.

If I can't be present, we don't DTD. It's as simple as that. Seriously, the last time I "forced" myself to, I thought, "Gee, this must be a tiny fraction of what a rape victim feels like." Clearly not healthy.

Now, my husband understands the damage he's done. He's also explained that he doesn't want me to have sex with him if I'm uncomfortable with our relationship. So, he accepts and is supportive of my boundary.

There's the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

What do you need your husband to do to feel like your finally getting the truth? Take a polygraph? Go to a therapist together-one specialized with sex issues?
Complete transparency? Accompanying him when ever he goes out? Email/cell phone access? GPS on the car?

If he's unwilling to make you safe-what do you need to feel safe? In house separation? A new line in the budget for a therapist? That's what you tell him. He'll continue to act this way as long as you tell him through actions/words that you find it acceptable.

Forgive me, but if you suspect addiction, it might be a good idea for you to read something by Patrick Carnes or to learn about addictions in general. Learning about the "roles" we play when there's addiction issues (or other dysfunction) at hand will give you some grounding on learning how to take care of your needs.

Also, if there addiction issues, MB won't work.

Thanks IRN,

I have tried previously to enforce that exact boundary. I also end up feeling the same when I would give in to "DTD". My husband is unfortunately not as understanding and supportive as yours and I end up feeling like I am being unfair to deny him when this is his TOP EN. I have decided lately though that I too will stop wavering on that boundary and enforce it regardless of his manipulations and AOs. I think he is getting the message where that is concerned. I think I hear what you are saying. i will get a copy of that book ASAP:)

My H is an extremely poor communicator. Communication is one of my top ENs. he evades and never gives me an answer for anything. that is what has been frustrating the hell out of me. I have been looking for other explanations for why he was vulnerable to this and what happened etc because he cannot give me the answers. I Read up on Bipolar disorder and on Sexual Addiction. Both of those could be him, but I just don't know for sure... All I need is to see that he takes what happens seriously and is searching within himself to figure out why and what and how... He still keeps asking me why I am upset and what he did (when I say I am trying to deal with what you told me you did). I feel like I would be better off living with a rock.

I have realised that I am allowing this man to rob me of my ability to love - I am turning into an angry, resentful, closed up, cynical person. I have to get right with me again, regardless of him. I give him way too much power... I need to switch off and focus on me regardless of what he does. Hopefully when I do that the resentment will lift and forgiveness will come?

I think we will probably go see another MC, I will ask them if there is a way he could be bipolar or a sex addict (or even an alcoholic as he drinks ALL the time). I am not sure. My husband hides a lot of things from me. Hence me feeling like I don't know this man.