"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother," this is the first commandment with a promise, that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:1-4 RSV)

Goes both ways.

T2L-

What I meant by "safe" is that is was a "safe" way for him to be able to express himself for a couple of reasons. First, the words he dictated weren't meant for me, so that helped him be able to safely say them. Second, dictating what he wanted to say allowed my YS to "practice" stating his emotions in words, which was something he wasn't very good at doing. And, by being able to hear what he had dictated, he was able to clarify anything that might seem unclear or muddled. That took away his fear that he would get tongue-tied or too angry to actually say what he needed to.

By allowing him to dictate his words to me, I took some of the stress out of the task. I didn't add anything or take away anything.

Does that make sense?

Flick found another...


Col 3:21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, least they become discouraged.

Yes children should respect their parents/fathers, however God does not say this gives the fathers the right to walk all over the feelings of the children.

HH, must be the full moon.
My D15 has stopped talking to her father (1st time for 5 weeks and he only moved out on Oct 1).
She got mad at him after Christmas. We were away visiting family and D15 and d28 called their father and they said he sounded drunk. A couple days later D15 sends a text to father saying "you are an alcoholic and you better start admitting it, you were my hero now you are not". He calls her the next day and says they will talk when she comes back and she tells him "I do not want to talk to you since all you say is the same old lies", once again cuts him off at the knees.

Has not seen him since 12/22. All fog babble

Yes it makes sense. DS10 get so flustered and tongue tied sometimes just trying to tell ME how he feels. He gets angry with me and gives up. I think that dictating will help alot. Obviously just the typing alone, but maybe he can just ramble. Now should I encourage him to say all this stuff he says to me but never says to his dad?

Some of the stuff he has said, like tonight, I sick of this mom I just want you and dad together I can't take this anymore, or the with last week he got so mad about the message he told me on our walk that I dont want to talk to dad, he shouldn't talk like that to you mom, he is being nice to my face and talking to my mom like that, I want to punch him in his face. He says lots of stuff but for some reason, I think part of him holds back because he is such a sweet boy he doesn't want to hurt his dad, and then part of it is fear. I ask him why don't you just tell your dad this stuff DS10, you tell me why don't you tell your dad? He says mom I never have talked to my dad like that I can't do it. Boy oh boy lucky him my little DS10 is usually in rare form with me LOL

I think you can encourage him to honestly share his feelings that he has with his dad in the email, but also let him know that the reason for this is because it is important to say the things we feel to the people we love-even if those things are painful, and not to be quiet out of fear. Keeping quiet adds to the pain.

But, I also think you should let your DS know that the goal isn't to get through to his dad. It might not seem to make any difference. It's about your DS not keeping it bottled up.

I will let him read the above tomorrow before we begin. Thanks so much for the help.

This is a reality.
Kids hate the break up of their family. ESPECIALLY if their family was a functional & happy family before adultery broke up their parents.

In the fogged out brain of the recto-cranial aliens - this particular reality comes as a COMPLETE SHOCK!
The dumb :crosseyedcrazy: heads cannot believe their kids aren't "happy because mommie/daddy are finally happy".

The adultery partners LIE to each other saying dumb things like:
the kids will be happier once this is settled
the kids will love you SeaHag, once they get to know you
kids are resilient
kids will survive
and they actually think adultery and the break up of the family is "GOOD FOR THE KIDS" :RollieEyes:

(I'm not kidding - almost universally the adultery-stricken spew this garbage to each other in order to avoid the recto-cranial extraction procedure)

So - the REALITY of their kid's pain and horror and grief becomes the fault of the FAITHFUL PARENT (and added bonus) the fault of the child



And the hard-headed amongst the aliens must double up their ugly lies to themselves to justify what they are DOING to their kids.

The INCREASE of fog-babble at this time indicates a burning truth trying to force it's way to the frontal lobe of the alien's brain - and the alien MUST make efforts to ignore reality - fog must be doubled - trippled - lest unsettling reality take over their consciousness.

They are very messed up at this time.

The further the dumb :crosseyedcrazy: heads gets from reality - there is an ever increasing strain on the adultery romance.

It creates a disparity of sacrifice
this is an impressive description

The result of the alien's increased efforts to ignore the damage THEY HAVE inflicted upon their CHILDREN is also damaging to the marriage recovery prospects .....

NOTHING increases the hemorrhaging of the BETRAYED spouses' love bank faster than the dumb :crosseyedcrazy:head WS's ability to inflict pain upon the children. NOTHING!

Added burden for the custodial faithful parent:
They are the ones dealing with the pain & the displaced anger/rage.

Expect your hurting children to act out against you, the FAITHFUL parent ... "not fair' ... but also a reality one must deal with.


.... so

my advice is
encourage your children to find their voice (in the best way they can at the time)
Let them speak their hurt/anger directly to the alien. (unless it is dangerous)
Do not encourage children to suffer in silence.

Get a punching bag and have at it.

Wrap your arms around your child (especially when they are acting out against the "safe parent" - YOU-)
and say to him her:

It's NOT your fault

Tell them this every day
every day
every day

Wow... thank you for saying so well what I know and what I wish every WS understood.

Pep, that was an incredible post. I am in tears. I lived that. tst is here with me reading...crying, too.

It's just all so unbelievable...that we were there.

Pep, tst says that should be on the notable posts. It really hit him...stuff he already knew, but summed up so well.

Okay DS10 dictated to me the email. I asked him if he would like to hit the send button and he said yes he grabbed the mouse and clicked send and said now sending to idiot! I just looked at him and grinned. I had to direct him a little as he wanted to say alot of names about the Sea Hag so I told him lets just talk to dad. I just asked him how he feels and he smiles really big and he says i feel better mom i had to much of that inside me. He also asked me to post it to you all, I hope that is okay. So here is letter from DS10 to dad.....

dad,
please read my whole letter dont skip any of it.i am really upset that i heard that message that you sent mom and do you really think i wouldnt hear that message. how can you talk to mom that way.you are nice to my face and you are mean to my mom behind my back. i dont want to visit because i am angry at you. DD17 friend went out there and said DS10 is really upset but then you come back and say do you want to visit. do you think i don't miss you?how can you do this to us.Im sick of it, why dont you just leave that fatty weany.how can anyone ever look at her.she is a sickening.i hate her so much.i never want to see her or i wuold run away from you.what you did to our family you think is no big deal.its just horrible.i feel sad that i have no dad at my home.when you were here it was more different than what your doing now.i feel embarrased that you are not here.i think its wrong and when i am older i am not going to do that because i am not stupid.i hope you are not having fun over there.i want you to come home already i have been waiting a long time and its almost a year.our family was a great family until you just scr*wed it.do you think i am not there at our visits when you say stuff about mom out loud that i dont like?you practically ruined my life.and i also want to tell you i dont like grandma because she was mean to my sister and she thought i was stupid and made me sleep in the hallway at her boyfriends house and it was dark and scary and she did not give a room to sleep in.she can not talk to me unless she says sorry to everyone in whole family.unlce T uncle G aunt H aunt N uncle W auntie J.i feel like visiting you is odd because you should be living here with our family.a real dad stays with there family and doesnt look at another girl but stays with there family and looks at your wife.my real dad used to be happy until this happened.its just rediculous.just come home and be a family.can you fix this for me.if not its just not going to work.if you marry that hag i will never talk to you again.hope she reads this too.i feel so happy that i am letting this out right now.i dont like telling stuff to your face because ive never talked to you that way before.you are the one that is making me mad. stop trying to make mom feel bad shes had enough and ive had enough.when you call me and i answer that will be the next time we visit.if you think my mom is trying to stop me from talking to you that is wrong because she wouldn never do that.she would be there for you everytime.she does not stop me from visiting you.yesterday when you were out there when you called she asked me 12 times are you sure you dont want to visit your dad and felt mad when she keeps on asking me.please stop talking to my mom like that.once again if you dont fix this i wont be your pally man.i dont know what else to say goodby

DS10

If that doesn't sock your WH where it hurts I don't think anything will.

Your DS must feel loads lighter and I want to congratulate him for letting the words flow and being really brave to say how he feels to his dad. It will be hard for his dad to read, but it is totally the right thing to do.

T2L, how did you hold up? It must have been a challenge NOT to edit the seahag parts out. It must have felt good for you to give your son that release too. Maybe your son will soon have the courage to keep it up in a journal.

I hope that your WH sees the light before it goes out completely.

Out of the mouth of babes. I just read it to D15. It was such a heartfelt e-mail and I pray that your H will "get it"

Your son is to be proud of.

What a spectacular email from your DS10.
The feelings he's having would be difficult for an adult to articulate, and he did such a magnificent job. He expressed his feelings clearly and honestly, without resorting to name calling (well except for the fatty weany but that was just WAY too good to omit!) and senseless provocation.


He should be very proud of himself.

Agreed. Tell your son that I am very VERY proud of him!

I told him all you have said so far. We went into the kitchen after wards and i said so you feel better and he says yeah mom i don't feel so stiff. LOL I understood.

I am not sure that it will even touch WS but it matters not seeing the smile and hearing my son say I don't feel so stiff.

And I didn't remove hag from DS10's letter. DS10 actually used hag because our whole family has used the term Sea Hag, even WS-we would call weird people Sea Hags and then the 4 of us would burst into laughter, its just one of those funny family things I guess. So it only seemed fitting I called the OW the Sea Hag since WS was the 1st person to bring this term to the family. He was funny like that. Had funny sayings for everything.

Anyways dark PB day. Took kids to Griffith Park Laserium today. Its a really neat place and the Hollywood sign is right behind it so, it was fun. The weather was awesome, about 75-80 in the dead of winter LOL. I love southern California.

Anyways, oh H texted me today about finances IM's so watch your email tomorrow. No worries I didn't respond. Actually didn't even get it til an hour after and just looked at it and tucked it in my purse and enjoy the day trip.

Gotta tuck in DS10. Kinda wish DD17 would now send that letter y'all put on her thread. Might be nice for him to hear from them both. I did mention it to her but she doesn't seem very happy about the idea so I don't push it.

Just tucked in DS10 a bit ago(still sleeping in my bed). We pray and he bear hugs me and makes me rub his back(mom's totally wrapped around his finger LOL) and then he turns over and I am looking into his face and he says mom do you think that dad will come home now because of my letter and his eyes well up just a bit. I respond well DS10 how do you feel do you feel better because you wrote it? He says yes and I say well then that's why I had you write it. The letter was for you to tell how you feel and to get it off of your heart right? And he says yes.

Then he says well do you think it will make him change his mind and I say son, that is not the daddy we know, that's not him anymore so I don't think that it will change his mind but we can hope and pray. He says I want him to come home and I say so do I son. Then he says well what about being his pally man? I guess that's something that him and his dad shared and i didn't even know about it until he had me type it So I say well what If I could be your pally girl and we laugh. I say don't worry son, this is not your fault so don't worry.

{{{{Sigh}}} That's the hard stuff right there. I hate to put a damper on his hope but I will not give him false hope since we already had 1 false recovery 2 weeks after dday before I found SAA. Plus you figure to DS10 having his parents together during PA and then gone was like another false hope for him. So that's why I paint a picture that is accurate as i can for him.

Hard stuff

you must know ...
all our hearts felt a collective pain when we read "pally man"

T2L-

It is tough stuff, but you've taught your DS a valuable lesson about not keeping his emotions bottled up. Wow! He had way more words than my YS. He did FANTASTIC! I think my YS managed a short paragraph.

BTW- my OS read your DD's thread when he was home on winter break from college. He was very impressed with her "guts" (he's in Army ROTC so that's a compliment). He took on his dad through text message after D-day when he was 17.