My husband and I have the perfect text book marriage. I couldn't ask for a better husband or father to my children. He doesn't drink, he doesn't go out, all he does is want to spend time with his family and have fun. We have a wonderful relationship we don't fight or argue. So this is all new to me and I am unsure on how to handle the following situation.
When I first met my husband he is a good ole country boy and he would occasionally "dip" or use chewing tobacco. It wasn't a habit just a once in a blue moon thing if he was with his friends. Well about 1 year ago I thought I would be nice and clean out his truck and I found a can of chewing tobacco under his seat. I was very confused and I went to him and asked him about it (no I wasn't irrational or accusing) he calmly told me that he and a friend of his were together and it was his friends. So being the honest truthful husband that he is I believed him no big deal.
Now we have moved to a new area and he is absoulety misrable. He hates his job he hates where we live and is doing everything possible to get out of here. Now that being said.... we went on a trip over the weekend and took his truck.. so once again I figured I would clean it out for him and under his seat he had 4 cans!!!!! ( So I did make a smart comment to him and said "so our anniversary is coming up I guess it has been 4 years and you have lied to me the whole time haven't you?) I then explain my finding and he gets so defensive that it wasn't his... it was old... from a long time ago.. and once in awhile he may do it but if he does it might be like every couple of months if that much. At this point I am so hurt and confused and I started putting small things together that have been going on for the last couple of weeks such as him having to go get gas at night etc (not long enough for infidelity or anything) So I decided to do some investigating and watching.. he was just on vacation for a week so he has been home the whole time and that is when I have noticed him being more on edge and having to walk outside etc. So last night I noticed he was acting strange.. and I almost could swear he had a dip in his mouth.. surely he couldn't be that stupid right? So I let it go and the next morning I went to the kitchen and sure enough he had spit it in my garbage can.
So this morning I decided to confront him, because at this point I have definate proof that he is doing it. Now don't get me wrong I don't like him doing this, but I am not upset about him dipping I am upset at the fact that he LIED about it to me instead of coming to me and saying that he started.
When I asked him if he planned on quitting he got so angry that he wasn't doing anything that he doesn't do it etc.. so I then told him about the garbage can and he looked me straight in the eyes and said that he didn't know what I was talking about but he didn't do it. Now mind you we only have ourselves and our 2 children here so it wasn't anyone else. And I asked him if he could really sit there and look me in the eyes and tell me it wasn't his.. which he said yes he could because he hasn't been doing it.
Now when I am talking to him I am reinforcing the fact that I am not angry about the dipping but the fact that he has lied to me about it and how hurt that as his wife he couldn't come to me.
His explanation was that he didn't come to me because there isn't anything to come to me about because he isn't doing it.
A few more things were said and all he kept saying is that "I am just a bad husband aren't I, go ahead just divorce me then" he wouldn't even listen to what I was trying to explain to him.
I just felt like if he does have an addiction or if he is doing why couldn't he just tell me... "hey I am having a rough time etc.. I started dipping" we could deal with it, but instead he flat out is saying that he is not doing it and there is nothing to talk about.
I have also tracked his bank account and know he is buying it about 2-3 times a week.

So now I leave with these things that are tearing me apart.

Is this so small that I should let it go?
Am I being irrational?
Do I have a right to feel angry and betrayed?
How do I get over this?

Now every time he walks out the door I wonder if he is going to do it. And I feel the need to dig for the evidence.

I just feel so lost because this is so out of the norm for our relationship and we have had no issues so why this?
Please help me with some insight on how to continue.

It is small when compared against other things he could be hiding from you (women, gambling, men! lol). But I totally get the crazy-making about being lied to in the face of evidence. Or just being lied to, period. No, it is not irrational to expect the truth from your husband, yes you do have the right to feel betrayed, and then angry because you've been betrayed. You have the right to feel whatever you're feeling.

Here's something you could try, maybe it will help. (and here I am offering advice from an intellectual level, knowing that on an emotional level, I struggle with doing this very thing)

Just say to him, "Honey, I want you to know that you can be honest with me. If you're struggling with something you're not quite proud of and feel you need to hide it, I just want to say that you don't have to hide from me. I am on your side. I just want you to know that." And then walk away. And drop it. Let him sit with your words for a while, and then back them up with actions.

It's really hard to not express anger when you feel it, but try. From my view of this situation, it appears that your husband feels shame about what he's doing, and he sees disapproval from you over it, so of course he's going to try to deny it, because he doesn't like feeling shame or like he's not worthy of your approval! Maybe understanding his motivation will help you to calm your anger.

I'm bad, bad, BAD about insisting on the truth--he's going to break and spill it or I'm going to pester him into oblivion. Don't be me. I can guarantee you that pestering for the truth hurts more than it helps.

Thank you so much for the advice. I did do just that yesterday. I sat with him and told him that I wanted him to be able to come to me if he started.. that I would understand (not like) but understand and then we could work towards a common goal of quitting in time. However he said that wasn't even going to happen because he wasn't doing it. ((sigh)) So I figured I will just lay on the affection and make sure he knows how much I love him so he will understand that I still love him even though he is having a hard time with this. As he went to work last night (he is law enforcement) he said "I will try and not disappoint you tonight") so I know he knows.. but then again this morning he has a fresh can that he bought last night. So I wrote a letter explaining how much I love him and all the things I am proud of and put it under his can of dip.
I guess I just want to know from him that he isn't doing it out of not caring about my feelings that maybe he could just admit he has started but does have intentions of quitting.. I dunno what I am looking for. I just hate feeling like we had this great marriage and it was so strong and now I have doubts that maybe it wasn't as strong as I thought and that hurts.

You might have to come to accept that this is something he doesn't want to quit doing. You certainly won't be able to force him into quitting. Are you prepared to accept this?

Well that is a really good question that I really hadn't asked myself. I really do feel like my issue is with him lying to me about it and also about not being able to talk to me. I feel like communication is a huge part of marriage and it really hurts that he feels like he can't talk to me, if he can't come to me for something so simple what about the bigger stuff? I guess I would have to support him through it if this is something he is not going to give up but I don't feel like I can even try that until he can be honest about it with me.

Melissfay80, I also want to tell you something that has been a struggle for me, something that you might not be aware of at this point, which may not even happen with you but does with me.

It's triggering.

With me, if I were in your situation right now, I could intellectually convince myself to be okay with his habit, accept that about him, but in the back of my mind, every time I saw a can of dip, it would be a big neon sign flashing, "LIAR!" And I'd be right back to the feelings I had the day I found out...the anger, the hurt, the betrayal...all right back to Day One.

That's the part that's hard for me. Hopefully it won't be to you, but maybe if you know this could happen, you can take steps now to deal with that.

Your H may be more willing to be honest with you about it if he feels more accepted for it. Go buy him a can, tell him you're worried for his health, but you're more worried about what secrets will do to erode your marriage.

Melissa, can he be honest with you about this or will he be punished? I suspect he is afraid of your reaction and that is what is fueling this. Your lovebuster is fueling his lovebusters in a domino effect. I would go get the book, Lovebusters by Dr Willard Harley.

I agree that he should stop doing things that annoy you,[and vice versa] but it is a 2 way street and I sense that you both are doing it to each other in ways you may not even be aware.

Yes that is what I am struggling with now. I want just be mean to him and hurtful. I am always wondering what he is up to if he walks outside and I just keep having these hurtful feelings and I just don't know how I can get over them. BUT I haven't done that to him. I have only been loving and extremly affectionate trying to get through to him that I still love him. I don't know I just have all these feelings that range from guilt (maybe I did something wrong) hurt because he lied and continues to lie about it.. all sorts of emotions and I am having such a hard time. I got the two books so I am starting them tonight.
Thanks again for everyones insight. It has given me more persprective!!!

Honestly my opinion is Give him a Break....

You said he's a great father, great husband, works hard for his family. I take all this to mean he hasn't had an A. He is NOT perfect....he never will be but he sounds like he tries very hard to be everything he can be for you and your kids....so what he chews a little tobacco and doesn't tell you about it??

Nicest thing you could have done was turned a blind eye to his tobacco in the trash. I'm sure you don't appreciate being called out about things your not exactly proud of either.

Some things you just need to let be.....your DH has one habit you don't like and unfortunetly for you he already feels the need to HIDE it.....that means you should be looking at yourself a bit more.

If this sounds too harsh....I apologize. I just wanted you to know that what you are doing sounds like things I used to do to....didn't get me where I wanted at all when he strayed and had an A. BEEN you....done that.

Men by nature need some "space".....he gets his right now by taking a walk outside your house. KEEP him there, feeling safe to be himself and taking a chew or two....don't make him wish he was somewhere else.

Atruheart

No I do appreicate your advice. Like I said this is all new to me and I just dont' know how to handle it. When you find out your marriage wasn't as strong as you thought it hurts. I have decided that I will re-evaluate in a few months when things have settled down for him and try to talk it over with him again. That is why I have not been mean angry or said anything to make him feel bad. I have kept all those feelings to myself. If anything I have tried to be more attentive to him and more loving and caring to show him that even if he does have a problem I still love him.
I just wish that he could tell me the truth when he could look me in the eye and lie is what hurt the most, especially when I had given him plenty of times to let me know what was going on. I even told him that I just wish he could come to me and say "hey I am having a hard time I started dipping... I plan to stop... sometime or right now its something that I need, I know you don't like it etc. Something just to include me as his wife. He already has been told a million times that its not the issue of the dipping its the lying about it. I guess its just hard for me because I just wish he could have been honest about it. Thanks again for your insight, everyones views have been invaluable.

melliss

All day long most men are doing what they are TOLD....make home a safe place for him to be HIM. If he chews sorry about that....but if that is the worst habit he has in his life....be thankful!

If you know the truth then you know the truth....if he doesn't want to have to say "YES I CONFESS" why would you want to force it? what would you gain besides being right? Being RIGHT is not always RIGHT. Being RIGHT won't make your marriage stronger.


Atruheart

Could you look at this from another prospective?

Your husband is self-medicating to deal with feelings.

Yes, what he's self-medicating with isn't "as bad" as other things people can get addicted to: sex, drugs, booze, gambling, what have you...But he is still self-medicating.

So, could you approach him and work with him to find healthy ways to deal with his feelings. Have you gone through the recreation checklist? That might be a good starting point. I mean, really, instead of chewing he could play a game with you (or friends), see a movie, knit, bowl, jog, read a book, paint, hunt, fish, have sex with you, work on model trains, model cars...well, you get the idea-he has lots of other things to choose from.

Can you be open/honest with him about the health risks he's taking on? Sure, we'll all die sometime. But, I'd be upset if my partner was purposely choosing a stress relieving activity that would likely end his life early.

Do you sense your husband has an addictive personality?

Well that is why I took the approach that when I asked him about it (I didn't accuse) I said "I want you to know that if you did start dipping that you can talk to me about it and not hide it" I just want you to be able to talk to me and we can deal with it together, and his reply was there was nothing to talk about because he wasn't doing it. ((sigh)) complete denial. I even then reinforced the fact that while I did care about the health issues I was more worried about the fact that he couldn't come to me if he is having problems. I know he is doing it more and more. I guess I am just more aware now, like the minute he gets out of bed he is doing it (I can smell the smell in the bathroom) and it is becoming more and more obvious. I am not calling him out on it either. I also have tried to be more attentive and loving and leaving him notes and cards to tell him how much I love him; because I was trying the approach that maybe if he knew I still loved him even if he has a problem he would come to me or at least admit it.
I just started the Lovebusters book and I can tell I am starting to go through the "withdrawl" phase. I can feel myself pulling away from him. We do alot of recreational things together we both LOVE to fish and be out in the wilderness such as walking nature trails etc (he is really outdoor type) and sex?? Well that has been a thing of the past for about 6mos now. I constantly am trying to get him to have sex with me almost everyday and it doesn't phase him. He has no interest. I am just starting to think maybe there is more than just the chewing but I can't get him to talk to me to see or fix whatever problems he is having. He has never communicated about the good or the bad in our marraige. I feel like I am losing a battle that I am fighting myself.

You're treating him like a criminal. I don't blame him for not telling you. I imagine that he knows you well enough to know that if you found out, you would do exactly what you are doing now, thus hiding the truth: Telling him he is wrong and you are right. Major LBing. Major DJ.

Aside from that, remember that it is just as addictive as cigarettes or drugs. People who chew have just as hard a time quitting as everyone else. So you asking him 'when are you going to quit' not only criticizes him and informs him that you are going to hound him til he does, but it upsets him because he's addicted and no one wants to go through withdrawal.

Have you read all the stuff here? If you want a successful marriage, the first thing to do is NOT assume you have a perfect marriage, and then to continuously ask YOURSELF what you are doing to him, and not doing for him.

Tell him you want a better relationship and that you need to know if you are doing anything wrong, so you can fix it. Ask him to fill out the Love Buster questionnaire so you will know what you do that makes him unhappy (drains his love bank). Then stop doing it!

After a few months (to change your habits), ask him to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire so you'll know what you need to do to make (and keep) him happy. Then start doing it!

You do these things, and he may start feeling closer to you and safe enough to tell you the truth about things.