T2L, you have handled this situation with such strength and wisdom.

I think your response to your son was right on. Like someone said earlier (Pep or JT, I think), DS needs to know the purpose of the letter was to help HIM, not get dad to change his mind. I think you explained it beautifully to your son. He may need to have that reinforced a few times more before it really sinks in.

Your son is learning valuable life lessons right now (as much as we want to protect them from it). He is experiencing how healthy it is to express his feelings to someone who is hurting him. You have taught him how to do that in a healthy way. I had one son who raged every day when tst was done, just like Pep described in her post above...lashed out at me, all the while I tried to hold him close and tell him it's not your fault and I am not leaving no matter how angry you get at me. I wish I would have thought about him writing this type of letter. But I don't know if he would have. He kept telling me he wasn't mad at daddy, I'm mad at you mommy...you're the one here (I never could figure out how to respond to that one). He didn't want ANYONE "in"; he didn't want ANYONE to hurt him again.

You children are blessed to have you.

I think they know that, though.

If your WS defogs and has Godly sorrow, all these relationships will be healed and restored in an awesome way that only God can do.

And your family will be a testimony of God's love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, healing, and restoration. And your children will understand what it means to sin, fall into darkness, repent and be restored. They will have seen it first hand.

Hold on, T2L. This battle is no where near over.

T2L, your son is a strong boy. I know these WAS are in a fog but it is so screwed up that they cannot find their way out to see their kid's pain. I too was welling about "pally". My D15 and H used to kid each other all the time and my H would say "you know I am your hero right", and there would be all kinds of roughhousing, and just love and laughter. When all this happened D15 texted him and said you are not my hero anymore. But a couple of weeks ago he texts her and says "you are my hero". WTH.

My prayers are with you.

Like your DS, my DD has written lengthy text messages and emails to WH. DD says she will never give up on him. One of her messages said that she knows God is testing him and to turn around and run back to God and his family. In return, WH acknowledges the messages and says "time will heal all."

Sadly, in the WS's warped fog, they do not see the beauty of these simple words. Beauty in that they are heartfelt and true. And POWS is still willing to eat their own young so they can mate with POSOW. How cold.

I'm curious about exposure. Does anyone know who has the best chance of getting through to WS? Yes, God is first. And yes, we BS's are last. But who is most likely to get through the fog? Kids? Parents? Close friends?

When my WH walked out again on me and the kids, and I overheard him trying to explain this to DD, I thought to myself "I'd rather have someone reach in my chest and rip out my lung than tell my DD that I was leaving again to be with OW." Is that just a mom thing? Still can't believe how WS's think that this is just something between mom and dad and has nothing to do with the kids.

When my dad left, he drove up to the gas station my brother was working at, didn't even get out of the car, told him he was moving out (total shock to us kids), and drove away. My brother locked himself in the station bathroom and freaked out; they couldn't get him out for 4 or 5 hours. And he was 15!

Oh my gosh, Cat. How sad and insensitive. Who knew that once amazing Dads and Moms could turn around and inflict such tremendous pain on their offsprings. You'd think the guilt alone would keep the words from ever leaving their mouths. But in my sitch, it seems like the more times WH says the words, the more he believes them.

holyheart, I agree with your post, can't believe the WS will inflict such pain not just on us but on the children that are also left behind.

When I told my family that H had left me their first reaction was what about D15? He and her were close and she was the apple of his eye? They could not understand how he would do this. But because of the fog my H said "that D15 would be made for awhile but she will get over it and come to my apt and go swimmng and have picnics?" He truly believe it. Even after D15 stopped talking to him he still thinks she will be fine. That is because the OW is still feeding him the pack of lies saying that the kids in time will get over it. I commend your child texting your H with the real truth even if they still ignore the message.

I agree that OW are feeding our WH with stories to ease their guilt. OW has been divorced twice and has 3 kids by the two different daddies. But she fails to recognize that her kids were babies when she divorced their dads (due to - gasp! - infidelity), that she initiated both divorces, and she took each hubby financially to the cleaners.

That's what's scares me. OW is a divorce pro and I'm a novice. OW has been a victim of infidelity, yet she's willing to break up my family doing the same thing. She plays with my WH's emotions -- threatening suicide when he's broken up with her.

She cares nothing about my kids and their pain of losing their dad. She feeds WH with such bull, and he buys into it. She actually had the nerve to tell me what an amazing dad he is (how would she know?), and she complained that I was making him feel guilty by "using the kids against him." How can I use the kids against him? They are OUR kids. Their dad is having an A, has walked out on us, and is with her.

But she said she has no intention of being a stepmom to my kids. And WH has said he has no intention of being a stepdad to her kids. What a relationship! No parental involvement planned from either side. Now is that reality?

IM's check your Inbox Please.

IF, I hate that darn "IF". But try to stay neutral and guarded because of my lovely friend Believer who told me constantly NO EXPECTATIONS. That saved me a million times over BTW.

I feel like I am in a losing battle. I believe he is trying to reach out to the kids but really he could careless about me. I mean his whole "it didn't work out" comment to DD17' friend the other day kinda says a lot. I mean I feel its a lame comment as marriage is not a try on thing. LOL

I still am praying, chase him, deliver his soul and emotions, make your self real to him, and squeeze everything out of him Lord that is not of you. Remind him and bring to the front of his mind of every good memory and all the love our family had. I declare over him that he loves only his wife T2L and to return to the wife of your youth. And then I come against that nasty little relationship and speak dissolution, repentance, conviction, and strife to come over it and consume it and that the very seed of deception that it was sown in to reap back into it. And that's only the beginning....LOL

Anyways, still holding...Have felt ok the last few days. Lots going on but I feel, at least for the last 2 days, calm.

That next morning after I snapped at DD17 I came to her and hugged her and said I am so sorry for snapping at you. She said I know mom it caught me off guard but its okay. I responded to her NO it is never okay and you mean way too much to me to snap at you like that and I am very sorry. She accepted my apology and we are fine. We have always been able to get over stuff pretty quickly. H was always amazed how we can snap at each other and then in the next 5 minutes converse.

Anyways, off to do tons of chores. I was lazy over the weekend and did nothing, which for me is HUGE as H has high domestic needs and I had to have everything always perfect. So i have double duty today.

H made no contact with the kids, wrote it in the journal.

Hey BTW I know the thread gets read a lot so I wanted to say to all the BS, get a spiral bound note book, brand new no pages torn out. This can be used as a legal document in court, should you have to go. Write down everything, BUT with NO opinions just facts like: H called kids, H had no contact with kids, H did not visit on scheduled had, H made DS10 watch a scary movie, H left nasty message on machine, H was drinking around kids and using profanities and kids were upset...You get the idea-ONLY facts. Just in case you need this for custody reasons you will need to prove that this spouse did not make any effort towards the kids.

Now write in ink with NO spaces in between entries as the courts will think you left space so you could go back and enter in more information. Also Ink because they want to be sure you don't erase and NO pages ripped out as they will think you rewrote things. I learned a lot of this when I took in foster kids. Start your journal now and write in it everyday. I have mine started from the beginning although I did not write in it during PA.

Excellent advice about the journal. I will start one today. Question? Do you ask your kids each night if WH phoned or text them?
And if I have notes from throughout the year, but not daily stuff, can I start off with that? Or do I need to start from a day and make sure I write something in that each day? Hate to be too anal, but hate to miss what may be important since if WH files I plan on going for 100% custody.

I suggest writing down what you have and then becoming more detailed from this point.

I logged all text messages, emails, IM's, phone calls, visits...
I figured I would rather have too much info than not enough

As for the journal, my lawyer told me to get a daily planner and record something every day.

Well I am anal when it comes to recording and I will do everything in my power to keep my son from having weekends with dad and the Sea Hag.

I started a month after Dday, so I used phone records and texts and everything I could remember and wrote it all down. And then wrote everyday. yes I asked DD17 if she received texts and If he called DS10 at house phone I wrote time and how long call lasted and what was said If it was unhealthy and if kids were upset about the call I would include that. I am in PB so I have IM's that have emailed him a set in stone schedule that I felt would be easiest for H to drive the hour and see them so If he shows up for it I log it and if he does not i log it. I would encourage you if you have not already to get a visitation schedule set in stone as it is unreasonable to be waiting around all day and not fair to the kids. It is easier for the kids to know when to expect their father. BTW don't expect your H to be happy about it either as his entitlement will think he should call the shots. Sorry you lost that right buddy, I am the head of household now.

If you can remember back a few weeks then go ahead otherwise start today. Get a visitation schedule going and a time by when he should call them in the evening. My H must call by 8:15 so i can get DS10 in bed by 8:30 -8:45. Until you have this set it will be hard to show his effort towards the kids. i would encourage you to choose days that are fair, this is my reason and I could be wrong, but I can tell a judge that I chose days that are the easiest and best for H and not myself and he still make no effort which is going to look even worse for him.

I would say you can start by having writing some specific things concerning the kids if you want. Remember no feelings, the court does not care only hard FACTS.

I'm sure you can probably at least start on the past Friday as it won't be hard for you to remember the weekend.

Again things like: improper conversation or parent bashing, missed visitation days, no calls, when kids are very upset due to improper conversation, drinking during visits then driving home, etc etc.

We have no visitation schedule. In fact, we've never had one during this whole "back and forth, living at home or living with OW" year.

My kids are teenagers (all in high school). They all have cell phones and can talk or text their dad whenever they want. During this last move out, none want to see him. In fact, since D-day, DS and WH have not spoken at all. I think it's a slim chance at this point that DS and WH will ever get back any relationship which is sad, especially since WH knew exactly what DS needed to heal and WH refused to comply.

DDs have tried to keep the relationship alive between them even when WH was living somewhere else. Since I never told them that WH was living with POSOW and her kids, they just accepted that dad was living with a friend and I let the lie go. But this time, I'm not protecting him or lying for him. And while I think he's living with OW again, I do not know. And since I'm in Plan B and trying to stay out of the drama, I'm not spying to find out.

So -- should I set up a schedule and let him know when he can see the kids? Or do I just leave it alone and document that he is not seeing the kids even with an "open invitation"? It's been 15 days since he's seen the kids.

VET's what do you think? Although her kids are older should she have a set schedule for visitation so she can start documenting?

IMHO, it seems easier than having everyone "on call" but all your children are older so I would have to ask the VETS to see what they think.

Nuttin' new in the T2L house hold. Dark PB day, no contact, sight or sound of lil old me for over 2months.

No call to DS10 from H and no visit on scheduled day. DD17 did however contact him on her own. I Did offer to DS10 that he could call his dad if he would like but he did not want to.

DS10 seems fine considering. He has asked again if I thought his letter would make daddy come home and I again said no I don't think so, that's not daddy anymore and then remind him he wrote it to feel better for himself. He keeps hoping.

Feeling calm today, but still that bit of sorrow in the bottom of my heart. Been focusing on turning my thoughts quickly when I feel sad. It helps.

It feels like its been forever. Everyday feels like a thousand years, I'm sure you all know what I mean.

The 2nd week of February last year was the last time my real H was to be seen. He disappeared the 3rd week of Feb. That's when EA went PA. From that time on the angry monster was horribly mean to me until dday on April 23rd. I do miss my REAL H. Funny the month before he told me I would look at him with tears in my eyes because he was so cold and I would say please tell my H to come home. It only made him angrier. Do wish my real H would come home.

I'm off to bed, G'night y'all.

I think you should stick to a settled visitation plan, because it looks on paper like you're trying to get him access to the kids. CYA, ya know?

Is there something DS10 has wanted to do but never started? Some sport or something he'd like to learn how to do, like an instrument? I really think he needs to see some positive progress in his life.

Yes DS10 and I have looked at a few things he is thinking of trying. Football is over until fall of this year so we wanted to find something in the mean time.

We are looking into a grappling martial arts or possibly Krav Maga which looks really cool. I had him look at the Parks and Rec guide for our city and he has circle a few things he's interested in. So yes we are looking.