I have been married to my wife for close to 6 years and been with her a few months more. We started dating and got pregnant within a month of dating, 6 months later we were married. We have 2 kids 5 and 4. Just after new years she told me she was thinking of divorce. I was devastated. She explained to me that I was verbally abusive and that she can’t take it any more. She is afraid that I will take it to the next step and become physically abusive. I can understand her fear, I have never been one that would ever hit a woman but in my anger I have had thoughts of doing so. She asked me to move out and I did.

I never realized that things were so bad for her. I have always allowed her to do what she wanted (at least that is what I thought… more on that later). She is a stay at home mom and I work long hours to keep us afloat, barely making ends meet. I expected her since I worked that she do the household chores. This did not make her happy, she expected me to do my share but I felt I was by supporting us financially. I give her anything she asks for, and take her to where she wants to go. She has no driver’s license and we only have one car so she has to rely on me for pretty much everything.

From her telling me her reasons for me to leave and her wanting a divorce I can understand why. I did not treat her with respect or love and cherish her. I basically treated her as a maid. I broke our vows we agreed to in marriage. No wonder she wants out. She asked me to stop with the yelling and the name calling because it was hurting her. I didn’t pay attention to it, I figured that since I was not angry anymore that things were good after a sincere apology. I realize now after reading about verbal abuse the hurt runs deep and it stays with them for a long time, especially if it is frequent. I don’t recall how often I was abusive to her but I saw it happening more frequent and she had enough.

With light of her wanting out and me living away from her I realize my fault and I am desperately seeking a change. I don’t want to be the abusive husband where her friends and family won’t come over because they sense the tension in our house. I have searched my self and realized that I have been living with this my whole life. My father is verbally abusive to my mother and I have been told I act just like him. That has to change, and I am not sure what I can do to change. I have contacted our local pastor for guidance but have not been able to talk to one yet. Hopefully soon. My wife thinks I need to see a psychiatrist and get to the root of it all.

She told me about a blog that she had and I had to know what it said because I don’t think she has been honest in telling me what she wants and how she feels. It seems I was right, she didn’t tell my any of her feelings. She tells them that she wants to work and that when she tells me that she wants to work and I only yell at her. I have yet to hear that she wants a job. But I am not trying to make her look bad I am just using that as a point that she has not told me everything. I want to change and resolve our marriage issues. She wants a divorce and all the people that have replied to her blog say that she needs to get out, and fast. They told her to call the police and get a lawyer and all that. She tells me that she is willing to take some time and see how things progress. I am hopeful that she is being honest. She tells me that she loves me and the healing will take a long time. I told her I would do whatever it takes to change so that I am not this monster anymore. I not only want to change for her and the kids but for myself as well. She keeps reminding me of that. I value marriage for what it is a sacred bond that is for a lifetime. Although I have broken our vows and not treated her the way that I should have, I truly love and miss her and want nothing more than for her to be happy again.

I want to repair the damage and heal our love and relationship. What can I do to better myself and help her to heal the wounds I have caused?

Thank you in advance for any suggestions and advice.

Just wanted to tell you it really does sound like you want to change. I suggest the very first thing you do is exactly what your wife suggested see a psychiatrist. Would help her see that are SERIOUS about changing.

GOOD Luck I hope you figure out how to control your anger and then move forward and heal your marriage.

Atru

Thanks for that Atru, that is good advice. I think that I might be fortunate that my wife doesn't hate me enough to not help me. She has listened to me as I go over my past and tell her things that have been hidded deep in my mind for a long time. She has been a great help to me as a wife and friend. Although she doesnt love me as a husband right now I am hopeful that continuing to rid myself of this monster and things I have learned in this site and others I can make enough EDs to restore those feelings. I have fears about psychiatrists in diagnosing me with some thing and trying to perscribe medication, I may have a disorder of some kind but I want to fix this not mask and hide it with drugs. I hope I can find one that is good for me. I still have a long way to go to regain my wifes love and trust and I hope that I am not too late to show her that I am the man she married.

thanks again.

To update things we have been talking and I thought we were doing better. She was noticing my willingness to change and I thought she was warming up to me. I have an meeting with a local pastor tomorrow and I called as I was excited about getting some counseling. We are not religious and I think she is concerned about me becoming that. I took the advice from a friend to talk to him and I think it might do some good for me. I am desperate to help my wife with her healing and I talked to her minutes ago and things went bad. I asked her when she noticed that things were not like she wanted. SHe said 3 years ago when we bought our home together. I never realized that I hurt her so long ago. When we talked she said about a year ago and now its so confusing. In the last couple of months she was distancing herself from me and we barely talked. I was afraid to talk to her and she told me today that she didnt care what I felt she was preparing to leave.

Today I told her that I realize that relationships are not based on one person and I told her how I felt when I noticed she was upset and she would reply "nothing". I tried to ask in many other ways and the same result. I know that treating her the way that I did caused her pain and some of the time we had months where we were great. Apparently not. Everything I did or said was wrong in her opinion. I told her that I felt that it wasn't fair to me that she wasnt willing to tell me her feelings and that things could have been better a long time ago. She got upset with me and said that here I go again trying to turn things around and blame her. I tried to assure her that was not the case and that she took what I said wrong.

I have been changing and seeking counseling and I told her that as her husband I want to be there and help her with her pain and trusting of me. SHe thinks that since it has been only a little over a week that I am no different and things will not chnage in that little time. I agreed that I am not cured but the things I have read about and advice I have gotten have told me that to change a habit takes practice and she will not allow me to practice what I have learned. She insists that I will get upset and have an angry outburst.

I am so lost. I have kept my calm throughout all of this so far and I have seen great changes. She seems to think that there is only one way to fix things the big D. I have told her that I am not only changing to be a better person but I want to fix our marriage and win her love back.

When I get the chance to see her she is still unreceptive to me. We talk and I try doing little things like holding her hand and rubbing her gently. When we are done talking I am asked to leave and I give her a hug and try to kiss her and I cry. She thinks that she is doing the right thing by blocking any attempt from me to get past her enormous wall.

I thought things went good up until today and I told her I would wait for her to call. I want to talk to her and try to better explain things. But maybe I am doing this all wrong.

Should I talk about what I have done by confronting my parents and talk about the things I have read? Or should I talk about the good ol times if there ever were any left in her mind? I told her I loved her and she always shid she loved me back but not today, she just said "I know". Should I give her space? should I talk to her as much as possible? Her most important EM is conversation. please help!