Hello everyone,

Please go easy as this is my first post, and some of you might find this a little crazy. I will try not to be too graphic here, considering the subject matter.

To give a brief bit of history, my wife and I always had the most amazing relationship. Friends and family were always amazed at how well we worked, and even based their ideas of what a relationship should be around our 'perfect' marriage.

At the same time my wife and I were very open sexually, and allowed each other the freedom to have fun sexual adventures (together and separately). This wasn't the biggest part of our lives, but just a bit of extra fun. The main condition was that we were both open and honest about everything. The whole thing was based around us having the best experiences we possibly could, learning from them and hopefully learning to be the best lovers we could (with each other).

Two years ago my wife got too close to someone and started an affair. I discovered this, she was very remorseful, etc... but within two months I found out that there was contact again.
We worked on things, seemed to get back on track, but a few weeks ago I found out that they had been in contact and seeing each other since February 2008.

We separated for a short time. My wife said that she had made a terrible mistake and wanted us to be together. She finally agreed to get the professional help I had been asking her to get for so long, and it is going well for her. We have also both been reading some great books, including 'surviving an affair', and things seems to be better than they have in a long time.

She seems to be doing all the right things now, and we're both learning to meet each others needs.

So, that was the background. Now onto the point of this post...

As our 'fun' in the past was based around having the ultimate sexual experience, and it was a thrill for both of us to know that the other had had such a good time, I am now finding that if I strip away all of the hurt, all of the emotional stuff, all of the pain I've been caused, that I am constantly fantasizing about my wife and the other man. It has become the biggest fantasy and turn on for me.

As part of the whole 'honesty and openness' thing, I told my wife about this a couple of nights ago. She took it well, and understands. She had the best sex of her life with the other man, and I can't get it off my mind.

Is this very wrong? Or is it just part of the recovery? Has anyone else experienced this? I know that a lot of people are repulsed by the thought of their spouse having sex with the affair partner, but it's quite the opposite for me. obviously the emotional side is very different.

I know people might say that I/we brought it all on ourselves by having an open sex life. I understand that, but aside from all of that, what I'm looking for is advice on the thoughts I'm having.

I am in therapy at the moment but I don't feel it's something that I can approach with my therapist at this point.

Does anyone have any advice about this?

I'm sorry if this comes across as too graphic. I just worry about my crazy head at the best of times, and am wondering if my sanity has finally jumped ship.

Thank you for your time.

James,
I need to warn you in advance that the posters here are going to come down pretty hard on you for your lifestyle. I don't think you are going to get any advice that will help you. You will be judged harshly, I'm sorry for that but brace yourself.

I strongly recommend talking to your therapist about this. Your therapist won't judge you for your decisions and will help you through this.

-MrsZ

Thank you for the warning.
I guess I came to the wrong place.
I apologise and I'll refrain from posting further.

Thank you anyway.

James, you have discovered the hard way how devastating swinging is to a marriage. It degrades the sex act to nothing more significant than a swing through the barnyard. Many marriages do not survive this blow. As soon as one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.....as you have discovered. You may be one of the lucky ones whose marriage survives this if you work hard on restoring your marriage.

The first step that I see is for you to stop focusing on irrelevant, destructive fantasies and start focusing on repairing the damage done to your marriage. Sex is much more than an animalistic act in the barnyard, and unfortunately its reduction to such a status in your marriage has diminished its value. Your fantasy is more of the same. Talking and writing about it just gives life to something that has practically destroyed your marriage.

Instead of focusing on things that harm your marriage, I would focus on things that will HELP your marriage.

Sex is a RESULT of love and more than just a physical act. The best sex is between TWO PEOPLE who are in love. So my suggestion would be to leave that destructive lifestyle behind and focus on falling in love with each other in a safe, respectful, marriage.

Wow, was that a JUDGEMENT of the board there Mrs. Zonie? :MrEEk:

Also, do you not find anything wrong with James' lifestyle? I would sure hope that you do, especially as a FWW, and if not, you need to let your BH know that you feel this way...

See, I am of a TOTALLY different opinion that you are...I DO think that James would get advice here that would help him...He definitely NEEDS to hear that his lifestyle is NOT a good thing...That lifestyle is what has landed him in his current position and will continue to land him in horrible situations for as long as he continues it...Marriage Builders could certainly be of GREAT help to he and his wife, and I am very saddened to see you tell him otherwise...

Mrs. W

p.s. and yes, the people here do judge right from wrong, which is a virtue, not a liability. Our prisons are full of people who can't judge right from wrong and that is right where they belong. It was a lack of judgement that got you in this mess and continuation of the same is not likely to avail different results. The inability to JUDGE is a character DEFECT, not a virtue.

This forum CAN help you do the right thing, but they won't help you continue to do the wrong thing. That is REAL support!

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

I am going through something VERY SIMILAR! If you have read my post..."unique situation...please don't judge me" you will know what I am talking about!

My husband and I were not as exclusive into sexual exploration. But we did however have a couple of threesomes with a girl I knew. Things of course have gotten really ugly since then!! I can't believe anything he says or does anymore.

To answer your question from your post. Do I think fantasizing is wrong ...yes and no. Yes, because...of the Affair that took place afterward. But I also think that it is not wrong since you had engaged in this for pleasure...and got much out of it.

Do you often feel like you are turned on...but disgusted at the very same time by this fantasy? Sometimes I have fantasies about our encounters with this other girl. Then I feel sick afterward...because, I know what the nasty bitches intentions really were! I also feel sick knowing that MY H ...whom I trusted and had confidence in let me down...multiple times.

FW, fantasizing about detructive behavior is not going to help his marriage. It was this same fantasizing that led him to this dark place. There is nothing "pleasurable" about his current dilemma. It is wrong if it harms his marriage - which it DOES.

For example, it doesn't help an alcoholic to "fantasize" about getting drunk on GIN even though it brings "pleasure." That is a destructive fantasy that DISTRACTS HIM from recovery.

It is the same with James. His fantasy is destructive and WRONG and DISTRACTS him from recovering his marriage.

He needs to focus on salvaging his marriage, not on fantasies about the same animalistic ACTS that led him to this dark place.

I do agree with you. But given how we are in the same situation...it is often hard to stop fantasizing about something that once you gave you pleasure. No matter how disturbing and morally wrong it is.

We just need to find something different to replace that fantasy. Something that includes you and your wife. I have been trying my hardest to do that!

I understand. And that is why the goal is TO STOP. The answer is not to FOSTER the fantasy and keep it alive by talking about it.

The correct question would be:

IS THIS HEALTHY?

That was so well stated I just wanted to see it again!

Go to the support board where they don't pose difficult questions that make you look at your choices.
.... wherever that is

I think that the ONLY time someone writes

"don't judge me"

is when they KNOW their actions will be judged because they KNOW they have acted badly!

A person never says:

"I educate my child .... please don't judge me."
"I've been faithful to my vows ... please don't judge me."
"I got an A on my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I exercised and watched my diet and lost 35 pounds ... please don't judge me."

They might say:

"I don't make my child attend school ... please don't judge me."
"I've cheated on my spouse ... please don't judge me."
"I failed my book report ... please don't judge me."
"I ate 12 donuts and sat around on my butt all day and now I am fat ... please don't judge me."

It is a that your conscience bothers you when you say:

"Please don't judge me"

You know your actions deserve scrutiny - but you reject that very same scrutiny.

James,

If I could offer you advice... I would say, to use as much strength as you have to avoid the wife sharing fantasies. If there has been betrayal between you and your wife, encouraging your wife to have sex (or focus on sex) with other men in her highly aroused state can only cause confusion. For both you and her.

If you have to have that fantasy... I would keep it to yourself. But try to ween yourself off of that image.

I had that fantasy with my wife before her affair. In fact we openly fantasized about it many times during sex. It seemed great. It seemed like we really enjoyed it.

Problem is, after I found out my wife had sex with another man, it wasn't so pleasant for me.

My fantasies were rooted in my own insecurities and irrational jealousy. It was further feed by all of the pornography that I was viewing to support that image. For me it really was an obsession. I think it's best that I just don't go there now.

It's not what I want or need in my marriage with my wife.

Maybe it's just about really appreciating what your wife has to give you. It you appreciate it you'll have no problem getting off or getting sexual satisfaction without the fantasy.

Just one more demonstration of why pornography is so very damaging to marriages, Roy.

It's kind of hard to come to that realization until something bad happens... hindsite is 20/20.

WoW!.....

Now it's on three seperate threads... this must be Notable...

I'm going to get my pencil and paper out so I can take notes and learn something...






























Please don't judge me...

:twobyfour:

:twobyfour: <------ That's the JUDGE.... And they have judged you to have poor judgment by judging someone who has poor judgement...and therefore let it be said let it be written....

Disclaimer:

The contents of this post is the opinion of the poster. It does not allow any future posters to judge the postee on what the poster has posted....



Please don't judge me....