My husband and I have had a strong relationship for ten years. About a year ago, I moved to a new city for my job and he moved overseas for work. Since we had a good relationship, we both felt that we could handle a long-distance relationship. Over the holidays, we went on a vacation and had a great time despite him checking his e-mail frequently. As soon as he left, I noticed that his e-mail account was still logged in on my laptop and I saw that he was corresponding with another woman, who lives in the same place as him. His e-mails to her were very flirtateous and bordering on sexual. When I went through his mailbox, I also found correspondence between him and his best friend, in which they talked about the woman. He confided in his friend that he couldn't stop thinking about her even during our last vacation, which was in September.

When I confronted him about these messages, he denied that anything physical happened. I don't think that he is lying, but I am not 100% sure. He told me that he was just flirting with her, because he was lonely. Either way, I am very hurt and told him that this was cheating regardless of whether he had sex with her. I am especially hurt that he couldn't stay away from talking to her even for a short time that he was supposed to be spending with me. He admitted it was stupid, that he still loves me, that he is very sorry and all that typical stuff.

I want to try to work on this and try to get through it, but I have no idea how to cope. I don't know what to say to him, I can't trust him any more. He told me that we can talk about this as much or as little as I want and offered to quit his job and move here next month, if I wanted. The problem is, I just don't know what to say to him any more. When we speak, we talk about little things and I just don't know how to approach this. The fact that we are living so far apart is also hard, although we talk every day. I haven't stopped crying for two days, I feel sick to my stomach, I can't concentrate and my boss is on my case about not getting things done. I will try to make an appointment with a counsellor, but I am sure that it will be a few days before I can talk to anyone.
I am so upset that I don't even know what I am asking here. I guess any advice on how to handle this would be useful.

Thank you for reading

Welcome to MB. So glad you have found us.

If he is willing to quit his job and move with you that is the best solution. I would talk to him right away and see if he will follow through.

You can count on the affair (that is what is going on) being physical, so prepare for that.

By the way, how long have you been married? Any kids?

thank you believer. I am glad I found this forum too.To answer your questions, we have officially been married only for nine months, but we lived together as common law partners for eight years. We don't have any children.

Welcome and sorry you are here. But if you want to save this M then you are in a lot better position than most. Obviously being apart is disastrous for a marriage. You need to fix that. Your H seems committed, thats very good. Read all the info on this site and you have an excellent shot at a full recovery

I hope you will stick around and read all of the stuff here.

A long distance marriage is a recipe for disaster. Please ask if he will come home.

teebee, I really feel for you. I am also in a long distance relationship and betrayed by my spouse. The only difference between you and I is that he confessed it to me rather than me finding out.

But, he didn't confess everything to me right away. He waited until I was in his respective country to tell me that the the affair was physical. He didn't want to destroy me whilst alone by myself with him not being able to comfort me and hold me. Your husband might not be having a physical affair but you should prepare yourself mentally for this.

I've been struggling since I found out. I've never been insecure about our marriage but now every little sms or telephone call perks my ears up. My ability to trust him is almost non-existent. The only thing that I can be sure of is that he loves me and I love still love him, despite his careless and selfish act. This is why I choose to work it out. Only time will tell whether I am able to put it all behind me.

If there is any way that you can be together full-time, this is what I would suggest. Also, he should severe all communication with OW. This is an absolute must if he respects your relationship and acknowledges your pain.

Thank you so much for all your advice. I seem to be feeling a little better this morning. I actually ate some breakfast, which is an improvement over yesterday.

He said that he is going to move back home. It will mean being unemployed for a while, but he says he doesn't even care. He also told me (without me asking) that he will sever all ties to that woman.

I am still a wreck. I want to be able to trust him again, but I just don't know how it is going to happen.

My FWH was away for a long period of time, during which the A occurred. Like you, I found out about it and my H ended the sexual part right away. However, the contact continued with the OW frequently seeking him out at work. It was not until he came home, wrote the NC letter, and we started spending time together as a couple that any recovery really began. Until then, it felt as though we were marking time. Your H's willingness to end the A and to come home are really positive signs. Best wishes until then. It is a difficult time to get through.

AM

I too am still a wreck and anticipate being a wreck for quite some time. There is an essential need to figure out how things will pan out, somehow I feel I need this kind of immediacy and I wrack my brain everyday. But figuring out things is not that easy and not that quick. Accept that you will feel a range of emotions from love to despair and that this might carry on for quite some time. Focus on the good things about your marriage and make the best of the time that you have.

We can't predict what the future holds for us, we can only be hopeful.

So he quit his job yesterday and will be moving back in a month. I think that shows that he is committed to this marriage, but I am still having a hard time.
I talk to him every day, but mostly it is about meaningless things. I want to talk about what happened to try to work things out, but I don't know how. I don't know what to ask him. I don't know what he or I can do so that I can at least start to feel like I am the only woman in his life.
I don't know much about this other woman. I can't help thinking how he compares me to her now and I just don't measure up.

teebee
It will be hard for you until he gets home.....the kinds of conversation you want now can't really happen until then. The thoughts your having are normal beyond belief. I so feel for you right now.

MY own situation with my husbands A was like yours. Out of state-away from home-out drinking-found a chick-drinking buddy-started thinking this was the life he wanted- blah blah blah.

Worst mistake that a lot of us make is trusting that our spouses are super human and letting them go away for long periods of time only to discover another woman has taken our place.

The OW could have been any OW at that time. They are alone and they find conversation. Conversation usually leads to drinking...drinking leads to sex. It's simple to figure that part out. What is not simple to figure out is how suddenly you become out of site out of mind. That is what the WS has to work on and figure out. Figure it out so it NEVER happens again.

My DH doesn't go away without me anymore. It is a DEAL BREAKER now. He has to make lots of switches and arrangements in his job because if I can't go at that time....nobody goes. He used to worry his boss would figure it out but somehow I think the boss figured it out long ago. It's not the most convenient way for him to have to deal with his work but it is NOW the only way.

First really good sign for you is that he QUIT!!!
I know it may feel like too little too late but honestly it's not. You might feel right now like your not good enough....but you ARE. He made a real important life choice just and that choice was YOU over any job. Him quitting and coming home is a huge deal.

Work on a list now.
Work on all the things you want to ask...write them down.
I say this because you will be very emotional when he gets there and you want to remember all the hard questions you need answered.

Best of luck to you. I think you and your DH have a great fighting chance. First and most important is that he will have NC with this OW because he's moving away from her.

Atruheart