I've been going to a divorce support group that is hosted by a couple that go to my church. It's a 13 week course that many churches around the country host or promote.

Here's the web site.

http://www.divorcecare.org/

The couple hosting the group recently started a new class last Sunday. There are four or five of us who's spouses were or who are currently engaged in an affair.

There was a woman at the class who was at the opposite end of the spectrum. She was in an adulterous affair with a married man for 6 years and has recently left him. After hearing her story I quickly came to the conclusion that this man was a classic self centered cake eater who has lied, manipulated and decieved his wife and his affair partner.

A few days later I told the couple facilitating the class that I would try and be nice to this woman. But I’m sure because of her situation it’s probably going to trigger some of the pain I’ve felt because of my wifes infidelity. I understand that she's there for support. But she made the choices she made and I don’t think she understands how much pain she’s caused her boyfriend’s wife. Very selfish. I got the impression that she has a very low view of herself to put herself in the situation she’s in. I have a hard time feeling sorry for her. I didn’t say anything to her but I really wanted to tell her that her boyfriend is a very sick person who’s using her to get his needs met. His wife is surely filling some of his emotional needs and she’s fulfilling some of his emotional needs. He’s a cake eater who’s been in cake eater heaven for 6 years. He’s probably never going to divorce his wife. Very sick.

Although I think it will be interesting to get a glimps of what goes through the mind of the "other person". I'm going to have to hold my tongue somewhat. I feel I have an obligation to help this woman get a perspective of how much pain a betrayed spouse endures throughout an affair. But I'm not quite sure how to do that without being ugly and vicious. I don't want to run her off from the group.

Any suggestions?

Perhaps just put your conflict out to the group, her included.

Think about how you want to say it in advance, so as not to be harsh, but don't shy away from it, either.

Ask the group for help in working with her, and ask her for her reaction to what you are saying.

- M

Was the woman herself married? I'm trying to figure how she belongs in the divorce support group?

I would have a hard time going to a Divorce Care Group that knowingly had a person included that is not going thru a Divorce. JMHO but I would find another group....one devoted to what it says it is. And you say this a couple from church? I'm sorry but that just really bugs me.

Atru

Thanks Miriam,


When I expressed this to the moderator she said I was right on point and that she was right there with me.

I'm going to handle the situation with kid gloves. I think there are some TRUTHS that she needs to hear and I'm sure it's not going to be plesant for her no matter how "Nice" I am.

Keepitreal
My thoughts EXACTLY.....I would not go back. I also would tell the couple running the group the reason I wasn't coming back.
To have her there suggests that what she is going thru is anything close to what a person going thru a D is is insulting.

Atru

I'm going to handle the situation with kid gloves. I think there are some TRUTHS that she needs to hear and I'm sure it's not going to be plesant for her no matter how "Nice" I am.

I think your intentions are good but honestly it takes the focus off of YOU and what you are there for. This is just rediculous that she is allowed in the first place. She is not experiencing anything close to what a MARRIED person going thru a divorce is. SEE our country thinks so little of M anymore this is just another really good example of it. I say that those running this group have big issues......and I would stay as far away from them as possible.

This is a critical time in your life...it is about you and YOUR Healing. Don't deal with a group that allows the OP's to "think" they are anything close to being in a M/D situation.

I'm sorry this one has me hot under the collar in more ways than one. lol

Atru

I understand exactly what you're saying truheart.

I believe this woman was referred to the group by someone who has no concept of divorce, infidelity or how painful it is. Someone who is in a good marriage and has been married to the same person for 20-25 years. Their heart was probably in the right place but just gave some bad advice.

In a way I kind of feel sorry for the moderators. I don't think they knew the whole story until last week. When I said something about it a few days later that's why they were ... "right there with me".

Who know's... She may not even show back up. I am kind of currious to see what kind of mind this person has.... How they justify their actions, what they were thinking, etc...Just because it helps me see how flawed they are. Purely a curriosity.

Amazin, I'm sure the other members of the group will not be comfortable with this either. It is incredibly unfair to all of you, to have what should be a safe place invaded.

You guys are posting faster than I can reply....LOL

Let me see if I can answer some of your questions.

Keepitreal asked...Was she married? No... she said she had been divorce for a long time before she started seeing this guy.


This was the first class of a new course. So several of the people who were there were there for the first time... Several of them indicated that their spouses were in an affair or they suspected they were. I had already been to several classes but started in the middle of the course.


The thing is.... when she told her story I felt like it was like the big white elephant in the room that no-one was going to say anythhing about. And like I said... I don't think the moderators knew her story until she told it so they didn't know what to say either.

Well since the moderators are now Aware of the situation.......hopefully they will let her know what the group is about and she won't be back.

Boy not sure why this got me so angry...lol I guess it's the state of a mind of the OW that makes her think she's anything close to being a spouse. Can you say clueless?

Atru

I'm right there with you!

Over the weekend, I read a post on another infidelity site in which a WS made the statement that NOBODY gets hurt as much in an affair as the waywards themselves do.

As if the actual victims' pain cannot even measure up to theirs.

I've been kinda steamed ever since!

I don't think the moderators are using good judgement in this instance. They are trying to be all things to all people and hurting the legitimate members in the bargain AND giving false legitimacy to adultery.

To allow her in the group is to make a statement that an adulterous affair is on the same level as a GOD SANCTIONED MARRIAGE. That makes no sense. It essentially LEGITIMIZES her adultery by placing it on the same level as other marriages.

I would speak to your pastor and leave the group if it were me.

The moderators are good people.

I don't know if she will be back. I didn't ask them what they were going to do. I just told them that I had a problem with her. They indicated that they saw me eye to eye on the subject and I left it at that. They may have already talked to the woman. I guess I'll find out at the next class.

Didn't mean to get you all riled up trueheart...LOL....

I see that there's another thread that seems to have ruffled some feathers right now... Paging Fabulous_Woman

That is analogous to forcing rape victims to sit in a room to listen to the "pain" of the rapist when he got busted. It also sends the message that pain of the victims is no more relevant than that of the rapist.

What if this OW's victim shows up there? How would she get help in such an environment?

Mel,

I don't think the moderators knew her story until she told it in front of the group.

Good analogy though... I was trying to put it into words myself. That's a perfect one.