Ok, here it goes. I've been married 10 years. Three kids 3,7,9. My husband and I met 9/10/98 and married 11/27/98. It has been a getting to know you process the first 5 years were rocky but we made it thru. I also beleived our relationship was very strong. My female friends and relatives used to be so envious of our marriage. It was almost too good to be true.

I have not worked since the birth of our last child three years ago. Beggining in May 08 finances began to get tight. But hey I'm a we can live on love and scrimp to make it type of person. However when things got real tight I tried to get a job to no avail (we live in a rural area where jobs are not in abundance at the present time). The reason I am sharing this will make sense later.

My husbands job cut back his hours we were barely making it. Then a blessing came he got a great job that pays enought to pay the bills, eat and have some extra (HAPPY DAYS - Santa can still come this year!!).

Early December my husband started acting a little different like he does at times. As always I suspected he may be cheating. He wouldnt spend time with me and was real snappy with me and anxious to get out the house. 12/16/08 after I had come back from a meeting 11AM concerning our 3yr old with speech delays (that he refused to attend) he hops out of bed and gets dressed (he was working 12hr nights 6pm-6am) and leaves the house with out telling me where he was going and did not offer for me to go with him. I knew something was strange.

Two hours after he hadnt called me I called him. He said he was buying dog food (again we live in a rural area its 30 miles to decent dog food). I thought ok maybe hes stressed and really needed to get away, Im over reacting. I concluded the call as I normally would. Well to make a long story short he was gone for 5 hours that day and didnt answer his phone for a period when he normally would. Its so much more to give insight on what else was going on and maybe why, I'd have to write a book.

D-day 12/22/03. One day after my 3yr olds bday, one day before my 9yr olds bday and 3 days b4 X-mas. He was suppose to work till 6 but he came in a 2AM and kissed my cheek with a cold nose and said I love you and left. I thought I was dreaming at first until I jumped up and saw his tail lights out the window.

I was afraid and confused. I called him and he gave no answer. When he finally did call back he was in tears and told me "you'll never forgive me, things will never be the same". After a lot of begging and pleading on my part he finnally told me, "I cheated on you". He was so hysterical driving down the interstate in the opposite direction from home I was scared for him. I pleaded for him to come home. He did.

At first he wouldnt tell me anything about it. I immediately asked him for his PIN for his cell phone and he gave it to me. I knew he had been up all night I told him to get some sleep around 8am. At 10:26 I called his voice mail. There was a message and it was her! I was furious. I had only one request for him.....to call her in front of me and tell her it was over. He refused, he said he already told her. I insisted he would not he even said, "let me talk to her first". WRONG ANSWER. I let him know that I felt like he was putting her feelings before mine. He said he would not call her because he knows I will get crazy. SO WHAT!!! Why should he care about that. He tried to leave the house to avoid calling her, he simply would not do it. I gave him an altimatum....either call her now or you can leave. He'd rather leave than make he uncomfortable. He left. I had his cell phone she ended up calling and I answered. She quickly said wrong number and hung up. I called her back but she wouldnt aswer. I left her a civil message asking why?

Skipping through the rest of the drama. It was a girl that he works with. She recently purchased her own house and as he says "is paid". He said he told he not to talk to him anymore. She works 1st shift and he works 2nd evidentally they see each other at shift changes. He said the relationship had been going on for 6-7 weeks. Oddly enough it was going on during our 10 year anniversary. He says he wants his family and wants to be with me, jobless living in a double-wide me. While drinking he made the comment " I could have been with either of you,....I mean if I was with her I could be living in a nice a^^ house and pulling my car into the garage at night.......but I want to be with you". - Oh please (gag)!

Despite all of this, I kinda sorta want to hold it together. But Im not sure. He says that I never talk to him, he cant talk to me and basically our relationship was dead. On the other hand, I thought it was vibrant and full of love. He said he cant have anything because of me - because I go to school full time and wont get a job. He said he dosnt want a housewife he wants some help. I dont know why but I wanted to sleep with him and I did 3 days after the incident. Not for love, I think it was I am attracted to the forbidded. And this is a close as I could get to cheating (cheating myself).

Ive called the job (the assembly plant) and asked for the girl. They said there were two women by that name and asked me her last name. I told them which ever one is sleeping with my husband. They then asked me what it the white C or black C. I told them I dont know he wont tell me, then thanked them for their time and hung up (I hope I started some factory gossip). He wont give me her last name, wont tell me where she lives or tell me what she drives. I told him I wanted to know for closure. He told me no because he thinks I'll try to do her harm (still protecting her). His parents want us to stay together, my mom told me to work it out, my dad told me to kick him out. I have no job, no money, no one that is finacially able to help support me and my three kids if he decides to up and quit his job. I do love him the kids love him and its been 10 years. But something is telling me something is wrong here. I just cant understand did he want her for her things or was she really providing something that I couldnt.

In a way I think this wasnt his first time cheating on me. I forgot to mention that I had gotten a yeast infection mid December after having sex with him 3 days straight. He didnt use protection when he slept with her. Maybe he was afraid he gave me something and I was going to find out anyway. Maybe she was going to tell me. I dont think Ill ever know. Why did he tell me?

Anywho - I'm sad, lonely, in-love broke and afraid and not sure.

Oh yeah forgot to mention I am in the process of setting up MC and he did agree to go although he doesnt think we need it.


BS(me) - 29
Together - 10yrs
Suspected Something - over the last 10yrs with attitude shifts
D-day 12/22/08

You are not alone. It is devastating to find out that the person you married isn't being faithful and cherishing you and the M.

I have experienced some of what you have. He did and said some of the same things my H did. Glad that your H will attend MC. I pray that your M can get back on track. While attending MC, you may determine whether you really want your M or not. Forgive him whether you stay together or not and yourself. It will help you to move forward. Have fund w/C to help occupy your mind and time.

Once you get over the hurt and fear, you will let go of the anger. You will still have thoughts of what happened but they will not overtake you. Hope you will get what your heart desires.

God has not give us the spirit of fear and we can do all things through Christ. We must believe it. It's hard sometimes but we can overcome whether M work or not. Be encouraged.

RD,

The first issue you need to address with him is openess and honesty from him. If you don't have honesty then you have nothing.

You should make a list of the principals that Dr. Harley uses to instruct people on what it takes to have a good or great marriage. If he doesn't want to participate in reading the list then you pick one or two for the both of you to work on together. Your approach would be "Spouse, My goal is to have a great marriage with you forever! Is that your goal???? I know we both have things we can work on to have a great marriage. I don't want anything like this cheating to happen again. If it does happen again I will file for divorce. Period. But right now I am willing to work on our marriage and I have found a great set of tools that will help us. Will you look at this with me??"

See where it goes. Then post again here for more advice.