I know Im not a regular member. I just need to get this out. To know that someone out there understands what this has been like.

We moved to a new place in October of '07. Our son was only 13 months old. I was out in the hallway of our building one day and my neighbor came out to do laundry. I immediately recognized her as someone I had worked with at our library a couple years before. So we started talking and hanging out during the day while our husbands were at work. We were both stay at home mothers. She had 3 children and my son would play with her youngest son. We went on like that for a few weeks and one day she came to my door crying. She said her husband was cheating on her for the second time. She was very upset and I invited her in and comforted her.

We continued to talk for the next couple weeks. My DH rarely joined in the conversations. But after a couple of weeks he became more comfortable and would talk openly with her and I. Then very quickly it became him and her talking daily, just outside. I was a little suspicious at first but then things progressed very quickly. She would wait for him to get home from work, sitting on our main steps of the building. She would stand in her window and watch us leave or any time he was outside. As soon as she knew he was outside she would come out wearing sleezy nightgowns. I caught him talking to her through her window a few times when he was just making a quick run to the store. He no longer wanted anything to do with me or our son and would come straight in from work to make a cup of coffee and straight back outside to talk to her for 2-3 hours. Then again 20 minutes later for another 2 hours. He was never inside but always out there talking to her. I was very distraught and begged him to stop talking to her but he told me I was crazy and there was nothing going on with her they were just "friends". After all they only talked outside in plain view.

Then I found out I was pregnant. Like I said, this all happened in such quick time. We had been trying for another baby right before things went downhill and I had actually had it set up to start my birth control and was only waiting on my period to start. I didnt want another baby because I knew where things were headed. But it happened last minute and he was happy to find out the news. Said he would never talk to her again and that he was sorry he put such a strain on us. That "things are going to be okay". Those words still haunt me.

He continued to talk to her, naturally and it only got worse. He started treating me very badly and was always with her, just right outside. If your wondering who was taking care of her children, the answer is NO one. She would lock them in the house and stand out there for hours with him. Occassionally checking on them.

I asked him for some time apart to sort things out. For him to decide what was more important. So we took a couple weeks and I missed him like crazy. I couldnt wait for him to come home. I know he hadnt been anywhere near her because I was watching. So I thought things were fine. Boy was I wrong!! He came back and told me he didnt want to be with me anymore. I was so angry and hurt and scared that I smacked him and called him every name in the book. I asked him if he had ever talked to the neighbor (Jess) about leaving me for her and he said yes they had talked about it. That because they got along so well that they wondered what it would be like to be with each other. But that he wasnt leaving me for her, he was just leaving me because he didnt want to be with me. Bull....I was so devestated. Shortly after she kicked her cheating husband out. He now lives with his girlfriend and him and Jess have divorced.

I went through a deep depression and I think mostly because we stayed in the same house together. He would spend his nights with her but technically still lived with me. I had no where to go, and no way to get another place financially at the time. So as I was working on finding a decent job to support me and my son we "thought" it was best to stay in the same house. I regret it now because that is where most of the pain still comes from. Having to watch him walk out the door every night to stay with her. It was very hard. Eventually I couldnt take it anymore and I took my son and stayed with a cousin for a couple weeks. He refused to leave the apartment but insisted that me and our son come back. Cake eating. I wasnt having any of it and I told him I would not come back until he was gone completely from the house. That I could not take anymore of this. After a couple weeks he moved in with her. So I was able to go back to my apartment.

Then passed 8 months of him living with her. He came over to see our son at my place because I did not want our son at her house. She is an unfit mother and her house is very disgusting. So I bit the bullet and let him come over to see our child. He would continually try to get me to have sex with him or cuddle with him and was coming over more to see me than our son. I was very sick of it so I started leaving. It didnt really help because I had a hard time getting him to leave when I would come back. He really made things hard for me. He was very possessive of me and wanted to know where I had went whenever I would leave. It was very hard to walk past them outside carrying our 1 year old son and being pregnant with his child. It was so degrading. All of the neighbors knew about it and I knew they talked about us. It was so embarrassing. But I just ignored it and held my head up. I was actually very civil with her after a few months and we would say a few words to each other while outside with the kids. Surprisingly. More forgiving than I ever thought I could be!

Fast forward to the birth of our second son. He was born in July '08. My DH was there for it. A few weeks after our youngest was born he asked me to take him back. I did without hesistation. I had missed him so much even through all the hurt. I justified his leaving as not having been good enough to him which was true. We did have alot of issues before he left. So I forgave him and let him come home. It was HORRIBLE. He constantly reminded me how much he loved her, and how much he didnt love me. And that he was only back for our children. Many many hurtful things. Until of course he went back to her. I think we lasted a week. In total he came back and left SEVEN times. Each time he came back he was better and better. Not saying that he loved her but each time still ending with him saying, we just arent right for each other. I cant help the way I feel about Jess. I want to be with her.

You all probably think Im crazy for putting up with that and taking him back so many times. Even sometimes I think I am crazy. I know my friends and family begged me to stop but I just didnt stop. I swore everytime I wouldnt take him back again but when he would come with his sweet words and throwing the children in there, I couldnt resist.

So my lease ran up in October '08. We were back together at the time and we found a new place to live and moved quickly. My last ditch effort at any chance we had. To get away from her and move on. He was here for a total of 1 week and he went back to her. He came back 3 days later and I told him absolutely no more. I would not put myself through this ever again. The first time I had ever said no to him. He didnt even know what to say. Eventually through more talking I DID take him back.

He was with her for an entire year. Lived with her for 8 months of it. That is a very long time. Im no longer afraid to be alone. I dont NEED him anymore. I have really changed in ways nothing else would have made me change. I never regret that it happened. Im much more confident in myself now. I know life goes on without him. I CAN be happy without him. I was fully to the point where I no longer cared anymore. I gave up. I always will love him but I dont have to be with him anymore.

I know he has not been back here long. But every time I have taken him back I knew he was going to leave again. I could tell by the way he acted. This time I know hes not leaving. Its truly over. The very thing I wanted for so long has finally happened. Hes happy here, no longer depressed. He treats me wonderfully and is the man I used to know. I should be happy right?....right?

Im not. Im miserable. Im still so hurt by the things he has done to me. Telling me he does not love me and slamming the door in my face and going to Jesses house. Leaving me 7 times after he knew how much it killed me. Why would he do those things to me? How can someone be so downright cruel. Having sex with her on our bed while I stayed at my cousins house with our son, crying every night over him...When he very well could have just went to her house and done it...right next door!? Giving up his family for this woman who had no remorse. The very woman that BEGGED him to leave me when he told her it was wrong for them to be speaking daily like they were. I just dont understand it. I do understand the first time he left. I can justify that. But to come back and leave me over and over causing unspeakable pain. Im having such a hard time with this. I dont know if I can ever really feel the same about him as I did before he left.

He refuses to go to counseling. He says they will just tell me to leave him and "talk me into it". He thinks they will gang up on him and cause us more harm than good. I know I should get counseling but I feel like such a twit for putting myself through this when I should have moved on. I know I caused myself alot of this just by letting him back in so easily with no standards and just hope. I should never have put myself so lowly.

I dont really need any advice. Ive read over the site thoroughly. Ive read other posts and know that Im not the only one thats went through this. I just want to be understood. I dont have anyone to talk to and even if I did Im sure they will never understand the extent of my pain and why I chose to do what Ive done. Like I said. Everyone just thinks Im "crazy".

Thanks for reading this if you got this far. It means alot to me.

*hugs*

Just letting you know that yes, I read your post.

I hear you say you've read all the stuff here and don't really need advice, just to be heard. But if you'd like to talk about things, I think that would be good. If your H is afraid a MC would tell you to just leave him, well, this place *is* called Marriage *Builders*, not Marriage Kick-Him-To-The-Curb (occasional dissenters notwithstanding).

If there's any chance that he's still Wayward though, don't invite him here just yet.

How about you calling the Harleys, even if your H won't participate? He may actually have a point about a lot of MCs. MC typically has a high failure rate. The Harleys are different though. They *will* work toward restoring the M if that's what you want.

*hugs*

I read your post as well and I'm so sorry you went through all that!

I'm very glad you moved though, living across the way from the OW must have been aweful. Fortunately there are great people on this forum who can listen to you and help you if you want. They'll be able to put things into perspective and point you in the right direction, where ever you want that direction to be. Good luck and you've come to the right place!

T

(((((M2E)))))))

I am so sorry that you have gone through this misery. Most of us here understand your pain.

Your WH(he hasn't earned that F yet) has NO clue of the pain he has cause you and it appears that he really doesn't want to. That's fairly normal. Most WS would rather sweep it under the rug. But you've experienced a trauma and you haven't healed from it.

It takes many things to help you R from an A. Half of it comes from your WH. And the hardest half comes from within. It usually takes a MINIMUM of 2 years to get beyond the pain IF the correct steps are taken. If the right steps aren't taken you may never heal and you may hold resentment for a lifetime.

Is your WH remorseful?
Have you discussed the A?
Did you get the details that you needed?
Does he understand WHY he did what he did and how to protect your M in the future with extraordinary measures?
Is he willing to help you R and do what is necessary to make your M better then before?
Is he open and honest? There cannot be any secrets in a M.


If he doesn't know WHY or what led him to do what he did, it could happen again.

Keep posting here and read this site inside and out. The basic concepts and the principles that are laid out here can go a LONG way in R your M. I'd also recommend reading "Surviving an Affair". You can get it here online or in a bookstore. It'll help you understand the dynamics of an A and your WH should also read it.

Learn about ENs and LBs. Spend 15+ hours a week together meeting eachothers' ENs. There is a questionnaire on this site to help you figure out what your ENs(and his) are. Both of you should fill it out. Also do the LB questionnaire. Establish good personal boundaries and maintain them.

R takes a tremendous amount of fortitude and it is very difficult even when both S are working hard. And it takes time. Some days you will be happy and some days you will be depressed. This is par for the course. It is normal so don't be hard on yourself.

(((((M2E))))))

Michele asked some very good questions. Please do take time to consider each of them carefully.

You hold all the cards.
He wants back, you're not so sure you want him any longer.

Make MC a condition of your staying in the marriage.
Plus all those things Michele listed. I'd make those conditions, too. Make him EARN your forgiveness. Make him EARN his place in your marriage. If you don't, he'll never respect you or the marriage and you'll be in for more of the same later on.