I was just wondering. Don't know if anyone knows. It would be great if FWS's could answer this question and if not then FBS's can ask the previous FWS.

Here's my question.

Of course all of us BS's want recovery. That's the goal right? Well yes I would love for my WS to return to the family for the kids sakes, but what if they return ONLY for the kids and not for the betrayed spouse.

I don't even know if a WS could come home just for the kids anyways because they usually are too entitled and full of anger and blame, but what if they did?

I would really want to know that my WS would also want to return for me and not solely for the kids. Does that make sense?

So to FWS's did you return for your kids or spouse or both?

Hi T2L, I can't answer your question but as a BS, I can say that if I do end up in any type of recovery with WH, it will be mainly for the kids. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

I understand why you are asking. This was a very important question to me. I was not willing to take tst back if he didn't want ME. I took him back the first time "for the kids". I was past that.

He knew that question was going to be on my mind, and answered for me right away before I ever asked. He told me over and over that he was coming home for me, his wife.

BUT, many WS's do come home "for the kids". The Harley's say that it doesn't necessarily matter, as long as no contact is established immediately. The MB program will take care of turning his heart back to his wife, as long as NC in maintained.

T2L, I sense that you are reaching a "new place" in your heart. I think this is good because it causes you to raise the bar on what you will accept...crumbs are no longer an option.

Protect your heart and keep it willing.

One more thing...

My parents stayed together "for the kids".

And I am sooooooo very thankful that they did.

Thankful that when I go home for Christmas, my mom and daddy are there together.

Thankful when I watched my mom fuss over my dad in the hospital recovery room last month, as only a couple who has been together for almost 50 years could.

Thankful that my parents and I reminisce about our memories as a family.

Thankful that my children have a legacy of commitment to marriage.

Thankful that my children know that mommy's mommy and daddy have been married FOR--EV--ER.


They've had a lot of hurt over the years, including infidelity. They endured "for the kids"; and because they did, they gave us the most important thing parents can. And they found each other again; and they have a very special love. They've been together their entire adult life. They have memories that bind them and bring them joy. They have many more years of love together than they do hurt.

I consider it....

priceless.

I'll ask Flick for his POV when he gets back.

Reading SMB's post reminded me of something tho.

My parents stayed together 'for the kids'. As soon as my little brother left home, my mother became a WAW. That was 5 years ago. Since then she has asked my dad three times if they can get back together.

Three times.

Dad is the one stopping it happening right now. He doesnt want his old marriage. He has been looking at my MB stuff. He is not sure he wants that hurt again. He does not say 'No" to her, he just doesnt talk about it.

The WAW has asked three times to return.

The H hasnt said yes but can't say no.

it's more than 'being together for the kids'

I can answer this as a FWS.

I came back 100% to my BH.

The kids were elated, of course, but they were OK when we were seperated. My BH and I coparented very well, the kids saw both of us everyday 90% of the time. They actually spent more time with my BH when we were seperated than they did during the marriage (because he needed to be home on "his nights" with the kids as opposed to hanging out at work since he knew I was taking care of them).

Anyway, the kids were a factor in my wanting BH back. I was attracted to the attentive father he had become. So while I did not come back solely for the children, him being an involved father was attractive to me.

I am probably coming off sounding like a real skank of a WW, I don't think I am explaining this right.

But to answer your question, no, it was 100% for the man my BH was, not the family, the kids, the house, none of it.

If heaven forbid, my children had ... insert terrible tragedy, during the seperation, I would have still persued my BH for reconciliation.

But that didn't turn out well at all...

My FWH does not have any anger or blame towards me; only himself. He has told me upteen times that he wanted to reconcile for US not the children. Of course it to our children's benefit to have an intact home but as H says, one day our children will be grown and gone and it will be just the two of us again. We love our children but we look forward to that. The thought would cross my mind every so often but doesn't really anymore. The efforts displayed by the FWS will be a good indicator.

The kids were my primary motivation for wanting my wife back. I loved her, but as time went on it was only the kids that remained my motivation to try.

3 years on and that reason is gone.

The one thing I will always lament is the loss of family. I feel the kids should have one home to be at for the big days of the year.

My ex chose differently and the kids pay the price for it.

She thinks they'll be fine and God willing they will be, but statistics say otherwise.

But a huge reason I as a BS wanted my WW to return was to preserve the family.

It wasn't as much about her, though I did love her very much at one point.

At first my desire to reconcile was about her. Then it was about preserving the family, then it became about doing it for the kids and the kids only, and now it's not a possibility.

I don't care if her motivation was the kids or not. I just wanted her to come back and try to save the marriage. She felt differently and stayed and still is wayward.

Life will be the ultimate judge on that decision.

I'm carrying on with mine.

Great thread. Another take on it might be to hear from FWS who came back to a marriage where there were no kids. Are there any?

- M

lildoggie, did your mother have an A or just walked away? just curious and if she did how long did the A last?

My H came back for ME. I'm sure. Our kids are GROWN.

She says not, there is alot of circumstantial evidence pointing to an EA if not a PA.
She did have one relationship that I know of that was on again and off again for about 3 years.

Certainly this described my wife when she came home 3 years ago.

As good a place as any to start recovery. The reasons really don't matter (unless the BS's pride intrudes).

A good reason to attempt recovery but not a good reason to stay together forever.

We aren't together for the kids anymore. We're together for us.

So SMB did TST volunteer that info or did you ask him?




I agree.

The WS isn't the only factor. Many BS's would not attempt recovery if not for the kids. They are the ones who are victimized by the affair. I abandoned recovery as a BS because of the cruelty, but my son is grown. Had he been small, I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have at least tried.

For me, at first recovery was about the kids. As a SAHD, I couldn't fathom not seeing my boys every day and it seemed a fate worse than death. I knew the chips were stacked against me in court if I choose D. The scene in "Mrs. Doubtfire" where Robin Williams kids are taken from him and he is awarded every other weekend visitation played in my head like a nightmare.

What I found though is that this can only be a temporary coping mechanism. At some point, focusing on the boys began to cause severe anger in me at my FWW for risking their future and happiness for such a cheap thrill. It was then that I realized if we were going to make it through recovery, it had to be about how I felt about her and not protecting our children.

Want2Stay

I am BS and my two primary reasons are the ones listed above except 1) I want her back - still in love after what she did to me 2) I cannot even imagine our family falling apart. I really dont think that is an option.

By the way, did you loose your love over time after the betrayal or what caused you to fall out of love ?

nice to hear. I wish i could say that one/two years from now.

On the flip side, I would NOT welcome my WxH back because of the kids.

He has treated DDs horribly. His actions and treatment of DD15 especially are inexcusable and have gone on far too long to blame it on the wayward mindset.

If he is capable of treating his DDs this way - it was in him all along.

I would much sooner forgive what he has done to me personally than I would forgive what he has done to DDs.

This can be said about every single wayturd with kids.