Good to know someone else got some wisdom from that quote. I still remember when I saw it on a sign in front of a church, just before I went to plan B, I think it was July 2007 or so.

Rin:

Something GREAT did happen, didn't it....

LG

LG could write fortune cookies

yes it did LG! I'm still in awe! I am completely in grateful mood right now! I mean things are not final with the raise or court stuff but I have so much faith that everything will work out as is should and I will not have to worry about it!

I have a history of worrying to much and working myself up. I thing it was a symtom of living in chaos for so long. Thinking of all the ways that "I" had to solve things. HAving to correct his selfish ways, the consequences of his actions, that always fell to me to "FIX!" That was a lot fo pressure, stress, and undo strain on me...I guess that will take some time to correct and get comfortable with...

Just as I don't think about D-day anymore when it comes, or the triggers anymores....

Funny I use to think that there was something "WRONG" with me and that there were days when I felt I was going to completely lose my mind. It often amazes me how I can handle my stress these days!

Just a little update, things are going well! My raise was approved and I heard it from the President today, but still no word on WHEN it will be...I'm in no rush with the CS thing anyway!

POWS still ahsn't found a job and actually asked for a hug Sunday nite whe he dropped off the kids. I gave it to him, no big deal, and just told him that "IF God brought him to it, he would bring him through it!"

Last Night I had some strangers appear at my front door about my Old car which is still sitting in the front yard. THey were asking me about the price and I explained that I wasn't ready to sell it. COme to find out POWS told them about it! I txtd him and told him that I appreciate him trying to help me sell it but that I wasn't ready to do that yet! He apologized for over stepping his boundaries and said that he had no idea that they were going to show up like that.

A little later in the conversation he txtd and said that he missed and loved me, that he had to say it! I didn't reply as I had nothing to say, then he wrote back with something, I don't remember what it was...but I replied that I didn't have anything to say about what he wrote and he said that he wasn't expecting anything...I let it go and didn't reply...

Although a bit confusing, I'm just not there in that place where I feel that way towards him...but it made me question myself for a minute on my choices...I'm sur ethat if I gave him half the chance that he would come running back but it's too late...nevertheless, it's on my mind some...

I did have a date Sat/Sun, but I'm not feeling it! PLaying cards, motorcycle ride, dinner at a nice restaurant! It's another matter of not respecting my boundaries! I think that he drink too much and a few other things like following through!

So, I'm still looking for that "CLICK"!

All in all, things have been going up and up for me since I removed POWS from my life and I plan to keep it that way!

I got the boy's computer up and running! My desktop crashed, replaced the hard drive in it and am working on reinstalling everything...NOW THAT'S HARD WORK, going to take some time to get that done!

So that's what I've got going on...I'm pretty set in my thinking on THIS guy but still a little confused on the POWS thing! All in all, I'm good!

Hi Rin-

Thanks for the update! Sounds like things are going well for you. How are things going with OS's school etc?

I got to fill in for the principal today. That's always "interesting"...which leaves things open for interpretation

Just wanted to say "hi".

WEll Hello, JT! I missed you! Things are going well! OS is in a new teacher's class and she writes me everyday and lets me know what his homework is! She wrote today that he is a pleasure to have! WOW! So different than I was getting with that other teacher! I got to meet her Friday and I am in love with her!

I explained to her that we are still waiting on his new glasses to come in and as soon as that is done we will be setting up the rest of his testing to see what's going on with him. Once I get some answers I will let them know!

I feel that we have had an improvement all ready! He KNOWS that she is going to write me and we're going to get the work done! We have even set up OS with a flash drive to carry back and forth from school so that he can do his work on the computer! Thanks to EPH I have one that is working and is strickly for the boys now!

Life has been pretty peaceful in that department, his other teacher even said that she feels a change! OS forgot, whatever, or didn't get his agenda back to him the other day and HE ACTUALLY CALLED me asking for his homework becaue he KNEW that his other teacher wrote me with it! I was very impressed that he did that!

He last report card was horrible but I knew that when I got it! So, I didn't do anything about it! YS is doing wonderful and I actually feel guilty for spending more time with OS helping him, but YS made the A/B honor roll again!

There is less frustration in the house now and I'm hoping that things are on the up and up on that homefront too! Just to know WHAT the problem is has been a load off my shoulders!

POWS actually asked about that the Sunday night! So I explained to him where we stood and that I would keep him updated when I had more news! Perhaps at the end of this month we'll start with the test and have more info to go on!

I OWE YOU SO MUCH! You have been a life saver, both mine and OS's...You have make an impact in our house and the only thing I know of to return my graditude is to inforn anyone and everyone I can on this condition. Binocularity! LOL, Hope I spelled that right!
Thank you!

Rin,

I think it is fairly normaly to feel a bit of a blip in the 'force' when the WS decides they "HAVE" to say that they love you.

You and I both know that while I am sure that POWS thinks what he is feeling is love for you, it's likely more just pity for himself for having gotten himself into yet another hard situation and this time he doesn't have Rin to bail him out!

Delete the text and move on.

As for the 'click', it will come at the right time with the right guy. In the meantime, enjoy the dates, the dinners and the attention while the search continues. No need to rush.

Glad things are looking up with the boys at school!

Congrats on the raise! It is well deserved!

Take care of you!

glad the computer is working out. Sorry I took so long getting it back to you

Thanks Bugs, I never thought about it being self pity but that really makes sense to me! He's feeling sorry for himself, looking at me and how well I'm doing and thinking WOW, I should have kept her! I really do love her!

And you're right, I'm not there to clean up his messes anymore, he has to wade them out, figure it out for himself. Of course I'm sure that his mom and aunt are helping him stay afloat, enabling him.

What came to mind when you wrote that was what MEDC said to me once: I'm sure that POWS feels something for you but I don't think that it's love!

That's what hit me when you wrote that!

Eph, thanks again! It is working out for me!

Good Morning everyone!

Just wanted to give you guys a little update! I had a fabulous weekend...

Even dealt with POWS some...Friday I was not thinking and in a rush to get to my dinner date RIGHT after work and forgot to bring the kids their bag for there dad's...I was on my way to the restuarant when I had an Oh Sh)t moment and had to call an apologize for not taking care of my stuff! Called the sitter, she was fine and then had to call POWs and make arrangements with him to give him the bag!

So after we finished eating, I met him in front of the house and since I've been dressing REALLY nice. I always hear from him How great I look...didn't bother me in the least, I just said thank you and went about my way!

Well, I REALY hit if off with this guy, "D"...we can talk forever...the thing is when I look at him, I think he's cute but I'm not really attracted to him...

After dinner, Friday, he met up again after he got off work and talked at the bookstore for a few hours, then went to the movies!

Saturday we met for lunch, and later that night got together to watch a movie at his house! He made me some popcorn, just for me, he didn't want any! After that we met up with some of my friends and went listen to a band called the Chee Weez! I enjoyed my whole time with him. I drove him home and he invited me in but I declined!

Sunday, we met for lunch again, talked for a while until he had to go back to work! Talked via IM and txt again last night and he's cooking dinner tonight!

The only thing that gets me is when I look at him, I just think he's cute! Nothing special...and he knows this...I've been pretty clear...I just keep thinking that what I have been attracted to before has gotten me nowhere, so let's try something new!

Super awesome gentlemen...finally someone who respects by boundaries...is not pushing for anything and is completely comfortable with just enjoying time with me...opens doors, well mannered...

The other thing that ahs caused a great deal of confusion for me and I'm dealing with a lot of fear with him...like waiting for the ball to drop...because my emotional well being has been hurt so many times in regards to I ahve shared my stuff and it has been used to hurt me...and that's not happening here and I keep waiting for it to happen...this stuff is a first with me in the dating world...probably becasue I ahven't had any in depth decisions with my dates like I can with him...

I'm really confortable talking to him...his kids are mixed too...we just have so much in common...he makes me want to learn more about myself...very supportive...

So I have made a really good friend at the least...he's earning some trust...this is different in that I gave ppl trust before that didn't deserve it and that ended up hurting me in the long run...

I have had NO red flags here and it's like wow...becasue I really have gotten into protective mode...I felt very overwhelmed yesterday but after talking to him...I ACTUALLY FELT BETTER...

I feel like I'm being heard and understood...which is super cool!
So there's my little update on my weekend...just trying to enjoy the time I do spend with him...looks like it's going to be a good learning experience...

Rin,

Hey girl!


Super Cool, indeed! Yes, I'd agree it's time to try a new idea in the dating arena. It's not all about the instant attraction, that is for sure. Just go slow.

By the time you REALLY get to know this guy, you may find yourself completely surprise at how attracted you are to him,,,,the REAL him. But it takes time. I like what I've read, as I do think you need someone who can help you re-learn how to trust. Trust is something that people (dates or otherwise) need to Earn with me.

It does sound as if you are spending a whole lot of time together right off the bat. That can be good or bad. Don't jump in over your head, remember it's ok to wade into this slowly starting in the shallow end.

I'm very happy for you!

Bugs, I want to try something new but I'm having some trouble here...

Trust! WOW! I'm having some super trust issues...no boundaries have been broken...no lines been crossed but OMG, I want to run...

I had to go back and see what time I posted that...I have become super uncomfortable...not that anything has happened...

Remember I said I was in protective mode...I'm really in protective mode and I really don't like feeling this way...

I don't recall being this uncomfortable in my personal growth...perhaps it's my short term memory...

I am not doing well...if there was a corner I could hide in with a blanket over me, I would...

Last night, I struggle after I got home and I had a bad day at work...BS going on there...and tonight I'm struggling again...

I feel like I just want to shut down...

Let's start with the basics...What can I control here?

Am I powerless over my emotions?

I'm in a new area and it's uncomfortable...

I think I'm going to ahve to do some writing or something...but I'm going to go to bed...I need to sleep...

Tomorrow's always brighter...

hi, today is a much better day! I don't feel like I want to crawl into a hole...

Talked to "D" last night and he asked about how frequent contact should be...he's not pushing me...but I've been reflective a little last night and today...

When I met new ppl, I have a lot of anxiety and I feel very uncomfortable for a while...some I choose to get closer but I ahve a tendency to rule them out and not let them in...

After reading a few articles on rebuilding trust...which I knew I had this issue but am coming to terms with HOW bad I have this issue...

I admitted that to "D" and I just told him that it was going to be a long process...

So, I push people away...sometimes without giving them a chance...I'm trying it...I know thta this is not going to be easy...working through that fear and anxiety...waiting for the shoe to drop...

I can clearly see that he's willing to support me...like I said not pushing me at all...

It's just that this is not easy...my personal growth to date hasn't been easy...but if I made it through all the D-day stuff, working on all of that, dealing with the D, and everything to date, why can't I made it through this...

I'm trying and that's the best that I can do today!

Sometimes we need a map when we are driving in cities we are unfamiliar with.

It's a growth process and you are on the right path! Be patient with yourself in this and don't feel bad for how you are handling this. RinDiva is good!

(((((THanks Eph!))))))

It's been an up and down process! Sometimes I do want to kick myself...I've been taught over the last few years to trust my gut...so my gut says: You're feeling fear, anxiety, want to cut and run...so what do I do? Listen...

NOW, I have to figure out what IS REAL and what's NOT...

This is as hard as me coming to terms that POWS was abusive...the inner struggle that I had with that one was crazy...I had to look at the facts there...yes, he was starting to get violent, yes, he was using intimidation...

Here, there is no reason for me to fear my safety and that's what it is...I fear being "taken" again...all the lies, the deceit...

Facts are: I'm not being pushed...nothing bad has happened...no boundaries crossed, I'm even being asked what's acceptable and what's not...what's comfortable to me and POWS could have cared less...this man does...

My mind's closed...yet I want something different than what I've had, I don't know how to get it...

If Frog was around he would say: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting diffferent results...

In the New days of Rin...I figure out WHY sometimes more can't happen...I can't see anything more than a friendship with this guy and then I couldn't see that becasue I got scared and was going to push him away...

A friend of mine told me one day: "It doesn't make a difference who they are, you're going to find something wrong with them and push them away!" I thought she was crazy and the right one just hadn't appeared...

Suddently, I'm realizing it's self-sabbotage...I can think of one person that I did that too at least...

"D" asked me if I was still loooking at "closed door" or if I was looking at "new ones"? If I'm expecting the other shoe to drop then I would have to say that I'm still looking at closed ones!

Take last nite, "D" and I were going to get together just because for a few hours...well, a friend I hadn't seen in a long time calls and says that he's in town for the night and is leaving to go to work in the morning...I said that I had someone coming over but perhaps after that he could come by...

So, I called "D" to see if we could push up the time of our get together...of course he asked why, so I explained...without hestiation...he said why don't we do it another night, I don't want to come over and you not focusing on me while I'm there...I said that I was just trying to follow through but I would like that very much and thanked him. Later, "D" txtd and said that he was away from him computer but if I needed anything that I could txt him and said to have fun...

I said Will do and we are! Nothing more from him last night or this morning...

I don't have the map...

Also, I got interrogatories from POWS lawyer, I'm not sure what exactly they are asking for, so I a have to call...something about 07-08 paychecks, tax info...but something about witnesses and some other stuff...

So, the heat is on with that now...I'm almost in acceptance that whatever happens, happens...almost!

Rin,

Slow down girlie! You are doing just fine.

Stop and think about all of the changes you've made in your life. This is just yet another step in your process. You recognize your self-sabotage and that's a great start.

Yes, POWS and all of his crapola has skewed your view of how relationships work & made you fearful of getting hurt again. Just don't let fear stop you. Do what you've done so well in your job, your finances, your issues with the house, etc. You have learned so much here about how realtionships CAN and SHOULD work. Don't foget to draw upon that & exercise the new skills you have learned.

Face it head on in true Goddess/Diva Style.

TALK to D. It sounds like he is very perceptive & is open to helping you. Let him. Tell him how you feel & ASK how HE feels. This is a new opportunity and you have everything you need to take advantage of it.

Don't think so much in terms of 'what if this goes somewhere serious someday'. Think more in terms of day by day.

No, you don't have a road map with him. That's ok. When we meet new people in ANY situation,,,,work, school, social events, we NEVER have a real road map as each and every person is different. How we interact with them will be different.

THAT is what is GOOD & EXCITING & FUN about a new realtionship,,,,,IF you let it be.


So while it is true, this is new territory for you as you are a new Rin - - it doesn't have to be a scary thing. Think of it as yet another new adventure!

Hi bugs! I hear you...I think in any case that's been the hard part for me is living through the fear!

I don't really have alot to say on it tonight! I have been trying to reply for well over an hour now and I guess that's okay!

Trying to soak it in!

I hear what's happening in my head! My mind immediately goes to the negative...I start thinking all these bad thoughts and I'm working myself up...

I remember LA telling me to listen to what I was telling myself...just wish she was around to remind me what I needed to do to stop that...doesn't make me feel to good about myself to be honest...

I can tell you this...I have felt sooo many different emotions this past week...SOOO very different from so long ago when all I felt was happy, sad and mad! I have felt remorse, confusion, frustration, overwhelmed, fear, depressed, anxiety...today was a good day...

Tuesday was little a mini bottom for me...I haven't felt that way in a long time!

I had talked to "D" before I posted that and I have since...he just keeps asking how he can help...I said be yourself and tolerate me...he said not a problem if I did the same with him...told him I would do my best...

I'm dealing with all this stuff, emotions, etc...I'm very grateful that I have been able to find the support that I need...called a few friends, talked to them, admitted some stuff, and then I was here, posting...because I have gotten so much help and support here...

thanks bugs...i appreciate it! You too Eph!

Wow, look at that very statement. I'm DEALING. You aren't hiding, you are pushing, you are stuffing. You are DEALING.

That comment about the road map is so true. It's new territory. Someone who got 4th and 5th degree burns don't go near hot stoves too often. So be kind to yourself.

You really are amazing. You really are intuitive. You really are capable of working your way through this because look at you, YOU DEALING with it and your LEARNING from it.

Go Goddes GOOOOOOOOOO

LADY QUEEN! I read your post and was like FREAKING WOW! SHE'S right I am dealing with it!

It hit me like a ton of bricks! HAPPY BRICKS at that!

So, "D" asked if he could come over last nite...asked if there was anything that he could bring me. I said I'd kill for a Diet DP, then he said if 10:30 was to late! I was like YEA!!! Instantly my mind went to the negative, okay, what's he want...you don't let someone come over THAT late at night, something could happen that you don't want to happen...blah, blah, blah...

"You don't put yourself in THOSE kinds of sitchs!" I have several things that have happened since POWS and I have been apart.

The reason why that's important is becasue "D" asked me last night, yes, I did let him come over for a bit..that was an interesting struggle that proved me wrong!

Anyway, he said I can understnad POWS but there has to be something else recently that has made you like this...I couldn't think of anything...because he asked about in my new relationships...and I thought nothing...

I couldn't sleep last night..."D" left about midnight, when I kicked him out, we tlaked the entire time that he was here...perfect gentlemen...still not pushing, completely respectful!

So after he left, I couldn't go to sleep and then when I did, my mind was racing! I even woke up for a little bit and when I went back to sleep it was the same thing!

There was one person who I thought that I could really TRUST, going through the same stuff, talked about it all, ended up betraying me in my eyes...it was horrible for me...I ended up running back to POWS for a little while...I said that I mean hanging out with him for a minute...but then, I was doing the same thing there...becasue I wanted him to protect me from everything that's out there...that would end up hurting me again...being betrayed another way, and worse betraying myself...

That's the rough part, I've betrayed myself...

I've had about three other times that someone has disrespected my boundaries...my IC, the few times I went to her right after I left POWS...said and is SOOO true...back in the gap, btw...that because of what life has dealt me that it took all of the fight out of me and I would just let things happen because no matter what I did it was going to end up the same anyway...so I wouldn't fight...

WEll, I stopped being the doormat a long time ago for the most part but I'm still dealing with the little things...

SO, this morning has been a HUGE awakening...HEAD UP, SHOULDERS BACK, and a nice pair of heels on to make it throught the day!

GOddess Style, right ladies?