OK..so I took him back! Some of you may know he came back twice back before Christmas saying he wanted to work things out, I gave him the benefit of the doubt only for him to leave again about 2 days later, saying he didn't think he could!

I was doing well, or thought so. Was trying to get on with things. Then he popped back up, wanted to talk, while the kids were at my folks house. We talked, and told me he had NO more contact with the OW. He would go to counseling if I wanted too, anything it took, he wanted to make things right and wanted his family back. He said he was 100% committed to making this right.

I told him no, I was done, and through with hurting and that he had been back twice only to leave again. Didn't want to go through that again. I told him my trust was gone and wasn't sure if I was willing to put forth the effort to try and rebuild it. He cried, I cried it was a mess. He got ready to walk out the door and told me to take care, that he loved me and no one would love me like he did. He then left.

A day passed by. Around 1:30 in the morning, I hear a key turn in the door, it scared me a first then I realized it was my husband. He came in the bedroom and of course wanted to talk. So we talked, and cried again. He then some how convinced me to go away with him over the weekend just the two of us to get away from it all, and talk more in depth. I agreed. My folks kept the kids.

I told him I was willing to give it another go. The bad part is, I don't believe much of anything he is saying right now. I do NOT feel he was genuine in his words to me. Even though he has cried it just seems overly dramatic and almost fake in his feeling and words. I am wondering if this feeling I am having is normal? I'm sure it must be due to what has gone on with lies and deceit.

My family and some of my friends who have been there and been supportive, are no longer. I understand they are worried and upset this might happen again. they have told me they feel I'm making a mistake. The thing is, I felt that way even before they told me. My husbands track record as far as lying is not good. He not only has done this to me but friends and family as well.

I do not mean to make this sound as if my family doesn't love me or want whats best for me. Nor did I mean to make it sounds as if they are have nothing else to do with me, its not that. I think they are just saying we no longer support your choice. He has proven time and time again what kind of person he is or can be. I have tried to explain that I do NOT know if this will work, no one said for sure it would, but thought I'd give it another go. I'm not sure how many "give it another go" I need before I see the fact that this might just NOT be what I need or really want.

Will this feeling go away? The feeling of thinking he is not genuine? Having doubts because of all of this? Or, is it that I feel this way because I know deep in my heart this probably will not work? Am I kidding myself?

Jilly - Glad he is back in the home. That is a better position for working on the marriage. Time will tell if he is willing to work on a better marriage.

Your feelings are completely normal. No one trusts their WS when they first come back.

The most important thing is to assure that there is no contact with the OW. See if he is willing to sit down with you and write a no contact letter. It should say that he loves you, the affair was a huge mistake and he wants no contact with her for any reason forever. Then you send it to her.

As far as your family, they are acting normally too. Of course they don't want you to be hurt again. But it is your life, and you will feel better in five years knowing that you did all you could to save your marriage. You won't have any regrets.

Jilly, first things first. Did he end all contact with the OW? And I do mean ALL. If they work at the same place this is not going to work. Is he willing to do what it takes to repair the damage in your marrage? Is he willing to work on correcting the things that led to this?

Will he send the OW a no contact letter?

Just being back together with no plan is not a solution. It is a path to more of the same.

Can you afford phone counseling with Steve Harley so he can assess your situation and give you a plan?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Dr. Harley: My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad that my feelings that I am having right now are normal. Its hard to trust or believe. He is really going to have to prove things not only to me but himself as well.

Wheather there was another OW or not, he was still a lair, he lied about many things. I have no clue why unless he is like a habitual or pathothogical liar and needs help. My guess is, in counseling he needs help with that was well.

At first he didn't want to move back home. He wanted to continue to live at his dads and take things slow. he said he "wanted to date me." and go from there. Personally I didn't see how two people can work on things if they are not in the same house, although I guess its possible. He is home though.

Hi Melody thanks for your reply.

He said he cut all contact with her. He gave me his blackberry and I have had it since over the weekend. He wanted to prove things so he let me keep it, to show he wasn't calling her, or texting etc. I guess him giving me his phone was just his way of a start for him at least, to show me he wasn't in contact with her. He told me he told her he wanted to work things out with me. His mother told me the same thing. Of course he has painted her to be somewhat of a stalker and that SHE is after him. Who knows with him, might be true might not be.

They do NOT work together. I work with her. I work in the OR and in nursing I will NOT leave my job, she can leave. However, we don't talk or see each other. The hospital where we work is pretty large. If I see her its in passing and no words or looks are exchanged. most people in the department know about her and do not like her at all. I'm surprised she has been able to stay there as long as she has without feeling like crap and leaving to go to another department at least.

I will talk to my H about a no contact letter to her.

Good. Go by the one that Mel posted.

For me, the willingness to write a NC letter is the litmus test of the WS's commitment to recovery. While occasionally one is written in bad faith, usually a WS who is NOT interested in recovery will refuse to write one. My WH told me it was "pointless". That showed me that he cared more about his feelings than mine.