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Kingrat Offline OP
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More details of my story here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2171463#Post2171463

I will take my story back to the basics because I’m going nuts trying to decide if exposure is necessary. I need help in distinguishing the level of betrayal from my W.

Here is what I know:

- They were sexual many years ago.
- She confided to me last week that she was disappointed when she learned he was going to get married (10 years ago). He divorced a few years later.
- He is a complete player and a total ladies man. He does not believe in marriage and plans never to get married again.
- Sexually explicit chats. In one instance my W suggested to him she would plan a trip and let him know in advance so they could meet up for sex.
- Flirtatious facebook conversations, my W would look at his pictures frequently.
- She told me he asked her to install skype to see her through web cam, she declined.
- Phone records show sporadic (once a month) phone calls and sporadic text messages… increasing towards October and November. Then NC after I confronted her. With the exception of 1 text message he sent her and she deleted in mid-December.
- She claims they had no physical contact. We do live thousands of miles away.
- She confided that he had come to town last year (2007); he asked her out to dinner and she declined.

Is this possibly just a sexual escalation in the “friendship” due to my inability to meet her needs? I certainly let myself gain weight and did not help around the house for a long time. I’ve been doing Plan A and now I’m different person, (40lb lighter). I help her with the house and try to meet her needs as much as possible. She acknoledges my change and she likes it. She also apoligized for hurting me.

Is it possible that I’m making a big deal out of something that is not?
If I expose I might be taking a disproportionate action towards her?
My evidence of A is weak. Is based in her chats and what I have put together based on her telling me little by little. I do not have evidence of physical contact.

I’m struggling with resolving what course of action to take. Expose? To whom? With what evidence? Is it disproportionate?


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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It is inappropriate. Expose to any and everybody who can put pressure on it to stop it.


BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
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D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Originally Posted by Kingrat
I’m struggling with resolving what course of action to take. Expose? To whom? With what evidence? Is it disproportionate?

Exposure is a tool for ending an ongoing A.

You've established that an EA likely occurred. However, you haven't established if it's ongoing. I therefore suggest holding off on the exposure until you're gotten such evidence.

On who it should be exposed to, the answer is "anyone you believe can adversely influence the A".

If I was you, I'd be more concerned about achieving open honesty with your (F?)WW, and concentrate on that instead.


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Kingrat Offline OP
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Your post has resonated in me. THANKS VERY MUCH.

What tips would you give to achieve open honesty with my (F?)WW ?


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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When you say 'sex years ago' I assume you mean before you were married? If so, I agree that there doesn't seem to be much to expose there. Sounds like she looked over the cliff edge but didn't jump.

So, I'd look at this as a fortunate warning shot at work on the marriage.

Phone counsel with the Harley's if you can or go on one of their weekends. Honesty is just one aspect of their program.

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By the way, I'd be tempted to send him an email that says "I have seen texts and emails between yuou and my wife that are totally inappropriate. If you contact her in any way whatsoever, at any time in the future, I am going to fly out there and deal with you."

Of course, what do I know, I'm up on harassment charges.

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Kingrat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Mike_C2
By the way, I'd be tempted to send him an email that says "I have seen texts and emails between yuou and my wife that are totally inappropriate. If you contact her in any way whatsoever, at any time in the future, I am going to fly out there and deal with you."
She has written an NC Letter. She has not sent it yet.

Even if she sends the NC Letter. Should I contact him and let him know I'm on the case? May be I should expose to his family only.


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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Send your own message as well, just as has been described.

For honesty, sit down with her and tell her you want her to be able to be completely honest with you, just like you would like to be, and that you'd like to initiate a once-a-month 'relationship talk' - where both of you promise not to get defensive, uptight, argumentative, etc., and will just listen to how the other person feels. Keep doing that until you both can safely talk to each other like best friends should.

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Not sure how to define 'relationship talk' but the Harley's told us to set aside time every night to discuss what happened during our days, what we have planned, etc.

Kingrat #2191875 01/12/09 04:47 PM
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bwa?

Last edited by Mike_C2; 01/12/09 04:50 PM.
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My husband's affair was like your wife's - strictly emotional. It still devastated me.

"Just" because it's emotional doesn't mean it should be treated any differently than a PA. Take the steps Dr. Harley recommends - including exposure.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Originally Posted by Mike_C2
By the way, I'd be tempted to send him an email that says "I have seen texts and emails between yuou and my wife that are totally inappropriate. If you contact her in any way whatsoever, at any time in the future, I am going to fly out there and deal with you."

Of course, what do I know, I'm up on harassment charges.

LOL...that temptation was there for me as well (to tell the skank I'd kick her [censored] if she ever contacted FWH again), but you do have to be careful on how you phrase things.

Last edited by broken_soul; 01/12/09 04:51 PM.

Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Kingrat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by catperson
Send your own message as well, just as has been described.

The OM is a lawyer. I do not want to face charges. Any guidance on what should my letter to him say?


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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do not send a letter to a lawyer

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Hi again king,

I would send some of the most serious notes to his employer though.

Ask them if this is a professional note from a well trained staff member.


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Originally Posted by Mike_C2
By the way, I'd be tempted to send him an email that says "I have seen texts and emails between yuou and my wife that are totally inappropriate. If you contact her in any way whatsoever, at any time in the future, I am going to fly out there and deal with you."

Of course, what do I know, I'm up on harassment charges.

The letter might be a good idea. Your choice of wording? Perhaps not so good.

Something as simple as "I'd appreciate it if you IMMEDIATELY stop sending my wife texts and emails that contain inappropriate content, such as the attached", and attaching a few samples of his handiwork, should work. Also, consider not sending it until you've found a few targets for exposure, like perhaps his wife or girlfriend, his office, etc. When you've found them, copy them in on your message to him.



ManInMotion
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Kingrat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
do not send a letter to a lawyer

Now I'm scared. What is the worst case scenario?


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by Kingrat
Originally Posted by TheRoad
do not send a letter to a lawyer

Now I'm scared. What is the worst case scenario?

don't be scared, really, I personally wouldn't worry about what his profession is, your asking for NO CONTACT, there is nothing illegal or threatening with that!

"please, I am asking you, man to man, stop contacting my wife, I would hope that you would comply with my wishes."

I would be glad, when I got my head on straight of course that my H did this, to me there is some kind of honor in this.

Last edited by doingfine; 01/13/09 10:10 AM. Reason: spelling

Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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Originally Posted by Mike_C2
Of course, what do I know, I'm up on harassment charges.


you crack me up, right wrong or indifferent gotta have respect for what ya did!


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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Kingrat,

There's nothing to be scared of....just use common sense in your letter and do not threaten (or imply threats)....and you'll be fine. Statements and requests are not against the law.....threats are another story. Also, limit your request....multiple mailings could be construed as harassment or stalking....again common sense. Something along these lines:

OM,

I'm aware of the inappropriate contact and relationship you're having with my wife. Adultery may no longer be "legally" criminal in most states, but it is still a crime, and a tragedy, for marriages and families. This includes mine. It is also a breach of ethics, and shows a complete lack of character and integrity. Please cease all contact with my wife.

Sincerely,
King

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