I just found out about Marriage Builders and have been reading different threads off an on for about 10 days. It is time to get my story out.. Any comments, insight, recommendations as to how and what I have been doing would be greatly appreciated.

My WW started to crazy about 6 days after her 45 Bday when a close personal friend of both of ours died. He was 45 years old. I have real hard time showing emotion and was in disbelieve. Went to the wake and funeral it was very emotion for me. 1st time I've cried in 10 years.

My wife started going out 2-3 times a week and starting to get home around 2am. I thought something was up. She had for the past 6 months been hanging out w/ a new divorced tramp of a friend. On the sunday the 6th of Dec she told me she went shopping came home late drunk off her [censored]; my 2 kids were gone,she couldn't be reached by cellphone, a brisket in put in the oven was still cooking 45 minutes after the buzzer went off. I checked her van and not 1 bag of presents to be found.
I confronted her and told her to get out of the house before I do something stupid. She left that night telling everyone I over reacted about the brisket.

She came home and we talked about me opening up more to her sharing things with, ect.. All the key love banks that a wife needs that I was horrible prepared to give a female from my upbringing. Tuesday nite we went out to dinner alone, talked about how I need to get in touch with her more, go on more dates, fill her emotional cup; we came home got intimate I thought progress was made. I was starting to know of my short comings.

Wednesday she lies to me about going see some friends leaves house immediately @ 5:15 gets home @ 2:00am.. Next day I told to leave the house and get out of town for 4-5 days something is going on and she needs to figure out what the hell she wants. She breaks down and tells me nobody gets her, she doesn't know what she wants, nobody listens. she stays at a girlfriends house and leaves for Denver Sat AM to stays with a girlfriend. She calls me Saturday before getting the plane and tells me to put more minutes on our cellphone so we don't run over like previous month.

BINGO THE BOMB GOES OFF!! thru the phone records I notice she has been calling an unknown number to me about 90 times in the last 3 weeks. I call it and a guy named Mike answers it. This all started right after our friends death. It is like she snapped.

I asked her about the phone # when she landed in Denver got the typically BS I don't kwow who # it is maybe a client, I said BS 90 calls to a guy named Mike. her response is were just friends, he someone I can talk to. I asked is he your boyfriend she says maybe, I ask have the been initamte, she asks in what way. cuddling, having sex, She responds something like that. I hung up.

It felt like a bomb exploded inside me. I could not believe any of it. I was so clueless. She has been now living from girl friend to girl friend house. We went to see a MC which see first refused to talk about how to handle Xmas and our boys 9th BDAY over the next 10 days. We were told to tell them Mom needs a vacation to get herself better. She stayed at the house on the 24 and 25 for Xmas then left. She stayed over 29th for our boys 9th BDay. She mainly just hid up in the bedroom while I supervised the 4 boys during the sleepover. Next morning left and has not stayed over since.

We have been to more MC sessions trying t work on communicating skills. My wife can only say she doesn't know what she wants, and I need to be fixed 1st. Basically [censored] everyone else in the family; I come first.

I have read Dr Hartleys His Needs/Her Needs book and found out I was killing her love bank in 4 of 5 areas. Never know how to do this, my upbringing was 5 boys 7 years apart, Mom used the boot camp approach to keep us in line. Rarely any love shown, boys don't cry method.

ANOTHER SHOCKER on Monday after wife went to her own therapist; I found out she had a 3 minute cellphone call w/ a divorce attorney. Tuesday AM found out and I immediately went to courthouse and filed a petition for Divorce. the state of KS gives the upper hand to whom ever files first. That was me. First to file gets to stay in the house. I work out of my home.

I asked WW if she wants to work this out,(I don't know) have you talked to anyone about a divorce. (no, lie), Do you want a divorce. ( i don't know what I want) She thinks that a magic pill is going to prescribed to her and everything will be just fine. She is handling her anxiety now by drinking heavily. been going on for 8-9 months, really bad last 3 months.

I have not had her served the divorce petition yet, just covering my interests. I don't know if or when I should have the papers served. WW is in such a fragile state of mind I don't want to [censored] up any hope of her coming back. I'm Trying to get her back but seems like a lost cause.

Please reply sorry about length.

In Limbo

UPDATE: Over the weekend she read my journal, and found out about the filing of divorce petition. Madder than hell, after reading it she wanted to know what I have been telling our friends. the truth I told her. She told me that she has stayed at the OM house a couple of times. Still lying about her where abouts. I am ready to have her served and throw all her clothes out on the lawn. Plan B or straight to plan D

I am passed the real gut splitting pain. Becoming indifferent to it all. Let Go and Let GOD.

AM I acting to hasty? She still doesn't know what she wants(BS).

You can always divorce later. Do you want your old wife back? Keep in mind that someone having an affair is NOT your old wife; it's like an alien has taken over her body.

So, do you want your old wife and life back?

in_limbo,

Welcolm to MB and sorry you find yourself here.

Your WW is following the handbook for all spouses who cheat. She refuses to acknowledge the horendous damage she is doing to you and your family in pursuit of her own selfish behavior(Nobody understands me.)

NOw she is concerned: Of course she is, she doesn't want to be exposed to all. But that is exactly what you can do to bring pressure on her to end the A.

You also need to find out who OM is and expose to his W/GF. He probably does have one you know. Also expose to WW's parents, and if necessary, your kids as well. Mommy going away to get better is actually a lie, and your kids deserve the truth. If your MC disagrees, too bad, they all stink at recovering a M struck by infidelity anyway. 84% failure rate, while they instead become divorce facilitarors. You're wasting your money with MC while your W is still in an active A. All WW's lie and they will not hesitate to do the same to MC to placate them in some way.


Yeah, multiply that by 4 or 5 times and you would have a more accurate figure. Remember, thay all LIE!


Well if you do something like that, you have not done enough reading about plan A and plan B. You cannot do a plan B until you have done your most excellant plan A. Doesn't work. You need to leave her with a memory of how good things could be, before you jump to plan B. Otherwise you are simply pushing her into OM's arms which of course, will lead to plan D.

Choice is yours, you don't have to plan anything but plan D if that is your desire, but from just reading a couple of posts, you sound like a M with little or no fuse whatsoever(JMHO).


I suggest you take a step back and think about your kids for a moment, and ask yourself, if this could be salvaged, would it be worth it for the kids, or not?

If so, you need to have a very real and comprehensive plan about how to achieve this and I would HIGHLY recommend couseling with the Harleys. In the meantime, 86 your present MC. Your money is better spent with the pros who know how to handle this better than both you, and your present MC. (Communication, WTH?)

I do wish you all the best,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Thanks for the insight.

I filed the D papers as a response to her calling a D attorney. I have not had her served. I do not want to do Plan D. The state I live in who ever files first gets kids, house has the upper hand until the D is final. just Cover My Interests.

WW told me she ready to come back this week end but not know she can't trust me. Unreal.

I have been trying to be patient, understanding, reading up on my short comings, generally trying to become an emotional well rounded male who can talk female. Raised w/ 4 brothers.

All of her friends say I am doing the right thing and are angry at her for being so selfish. at the MC yesterday she said she has not had so much in her life. What a surprise NO Kid, No Bills, No responsibilities, Hey I am 21 all over again.

What is Plan A all about? I am starting to feel indifferent to the whole situation.

in_limbo,


And she's right, because she trusted you would keep her dirty lttle secret, so she could continue her fantasy, unimpeded. What a wet blanket you are!

Plan A is about being the best H you can be and filling all those emotional needs that she is getting filled from OM. It's counterintuitive, and at times quite frustrating and painfull.
Start by getting the book "His needs, Her needs," written by Dr Harley, the founder of this website. Fill out the EN questionaire(both of you) and figure out where you have been missing the mark.
link to EN



link to the plans

This should help you understand.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Start by getting the book "His needs, Her needs," written by Dr Harley, the founder of this website.


Already read the book, this is where I noticed that I missed the boat in 4 of the 5 needs she/ females find important




Fill out the EN questionaire(both of you) and figure out where you have been missing the mark.

i am trying to get her read the book and fill out the EN.

She is coming home this evening. Says she is ready to come back if I am ready to discuss some things. I told her that is fine.

We can't work on us when she is not around.


Now that she coming back home, what is the next step for me?

Do I push for answers to the questions I have or let them come out slowly?

Anyone want to chime in?

It seems pretty obvious she has been having sex with the OM since she admitted spending the night sleeping their a few times. Do not have sex with her until she has been tested for STD's. These are the consequences to having affairs. I wish you luck.

Things to think about...

What are YOUR conditions for her return? No contact? agree to transparency - cell phone monitoring, computer monitoring, GPS on the car? exposure and disclosure? her to commit to your marriage?

What will it take for YOU to become comfortable?

Also, don't expect to see alot of remorse during this meeting. WSs are notoriously short of repentance at the beginning. They are so self-centered and self-absorbed, focusing on the OP and the A and THEIR own feelings.

There are other posters on here that can address the alcohol better than I can... But I think it is something that needs to be addressed.

Stay calm and good luck.

AM

Thanks for the replies.

The weekend is over and the tension between us was extreme. I got to ask some questions about us last night. Seems that she came home for the kids and not sure about us.

She is livid over me changing her voice mall code it check her cellphone voice mail. I changed them the moment I discovered she was having the A . I never got to check the messages because her plane landed and answer her phone everytime I called. them. Those were phone call that I confronted her about the OM and let her know that her fantasy is not so secret.
She doesn't remember much about me confronting her about the OM and the A. She only remembers that she couldn't get into her voice mail because of me.

She is also pissed that I cut off my credit card that had her name on it. Did this after found out she contact an attorneys office. She told me did not call one. I was not going to let her use my credit card to pay a retainer fee to a divorce attorney.

Well at least we a starting to get some issues out in the open. Baby steps required and a lot of time. Told her I am working on things for me, not her. and if things don't work out at least I will be a better well rounded person and can live with that outcome.

Plan A in full swing.