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Well, I cant even remember the last time I updated. For those looking for my story, when you search back (I began posting in June 2002), most of the threads began with "Mortarman Update:".

I am looking to get all of the information from my situation in one place. So, I will probably put it here. I will write out a lot of it, but will probably add links to the most pertinent posts from the past. It may take some time to get it all here, so I will just begin posting and let you all know once I have it all here.

I will say one thing about my situation. My wife and I are an MB success story. Not necessarily because we are together again and the affair is gone. But because of what we have learned. I am a better husband than I was before. She has learned to be a better wife than she was before. We understand what marriage is about now, and how it works. No matter if we had made it or not, I would have still been a success story because of what I learned through the process.

You see, there are many on here (and in life) that will tell you to quit. That it is too much to overcome. Well, I will tell you, my situation went on longer than most. We had many things go on in the bad times (as you will find out) that should have pushed our marriage over the brink. The fact we are here today, with a new one year old and more happy than we have ever been, would not have been possible without MB and without giving into those that told me to just quit. And even those that told my wife to quit.

Being on the other side of things, I can tell you that all of the worries about "can we overcome what has happened?", "can I trust her again?", "can I love him again?", etc have largely fallen away. Because of what we have learned and how we relate to each other now, it seems to both of us to be darned well impossible to break through between us.

Not that there arent days where things arent the best. But even in those days, there is no escalation of tensions. No signs of running for the door. Usually on those days, we take a little breathing room for a few hours...and then come back at it. It is a relief to know that both of us want this that bad.

Anyway, I will get to the update and begin posting the segments as I can. It might take some time to do this, since my situation lasted so long. For those that truly have lots of time on their hands, they can go back and read all of the threads. But I am going to try to summarize and highlight the major parts, and give links to the details.


Standing in His Presence

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Looking forward to every chapter, MM.

Thanks,
Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Okay, this link I am listing here was the first thread I ever posted.

Mortarman's First post


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Married April 1993...
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MM,

Did your WW file for a divorce or did you file for custody? On what grounds?

I may have interpretted your story incorrectly, but I got the impression that you had divorce proceedings going and fought a pretty effective and hardcore custody battle which is what woke the WW up.

How did she come around to you?

I'm just wondering since I feel that the biggest thing a BH can do is go for full custody in order to lift the fog of the WW.

I don't think many men realize how hopeless your situation appeared and how well you did things to get your WW back. But she returned after you had given that up as a possibility, correct?

Didn't things look pretty hopeless?

Why DID you take her back?


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

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Hi Mortarman, I think God led me to look at your post today.

I am feeling helpless in my own sitch. My H's A has been going on since June 07 and he has never looked back once since he told me he was not happy the end of July 07 (A was going on about a month and 1/2 at that point).

I made many mistakes, really love busted and had a failed Plan A because my emotions took over and we fought and he said I kept preaching to him and he could not talk to me. He filed papers for D last Friday.

I do not want this D. I want to restore my M. It has destroyed our family and my D15, who was the apple of his eye, is no longer speaking to him. I finally feel I am detaching but there is so much sorrow and pain with all of this.

At the beginning I was looking for a quick fix and I see now that I need patience and to be on God's plan -- not mine.

Please continue to update your story. It gives some of us hope even when it feels hopeless. Thank you.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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For those that dont know it, Pom and I have been around the block on here. His wife never pulled her head out...but he did all of the right things and is a success story because of it!!

Pom, I will briefly answer your questions below...but will highlight them as I get everything in here and you can see in depth, how it all went.

Originally Posted by pomdbd3
MM,

Did your WW file for a divorce or did you file for custody? On what grounds?

I may have interpretted your story incorrectly, but I got the impression that you had divorce proceedings going and fought a pretty effective and hardcore custody battle which is what woke the WW up.

I NEVER filed. I never filed for divorce. I never started custody hearings. She did all of that. Well, after thinking about this...I did file out of frustration early on, but pulled it back later. It looked like manipulation and didnt really help our situation.

In my case, I didnt need to. You see, the Troll (OM) was an idiot. Why do I say that? Because here was a guy who was pushing for my wife to leave her kids behind and be with him...but deep inside her, there was no way that would happen. But the pull at first caused her to do some very stupid things, which cost her in the custody battles. She moved out. She spent little time with them that fall. She spent a lot of time with the Troll, even going over Christmas to Florida to visit his family. She had brought the Troll around my kids while I was in Bosnia. All of these are HUGE no-nos in Virginia.

Please remember, I am blessed to live in the great Commonwealth of Virginia. Adultery is still against the law. Having the paramour around the children is still against the law. There is no such thing as legal separation, and thus...even if yo uare "separated," if you sleep with someone else, it is adultery. So, the pressure to alunch the attack wasnt as high with me because I had all the intel I needed and she had basically handed me an air tight case.

Quote
How did she come around to you?

I'm just wondering since I feel that the biggest thing a BH can do is go for full custody in order to lift the fog of the WW.

I know you do, Pom. And there is a little there that might make me think that it is a factor. But I think other factors are more important (which I will go into later).

In my case, my wife even told me a month ago, when we were discussing things, that the fact that I got custody that first time did wake her up on some things, especially to do with the Troll. Even though that she wasnt willing to give him up, she could see that he was trying to get her away from her family. And once she woke up, she realized she would not let that happen. So, if she was to make the situation work with him, the kids were coming with her whether he liked it or not.

But, the fact I got primary and full custody (with her paying child support to me) also cost us a lot. How so? Well, when she lost custody to me, she was angry. She stayed angry, even after we went into our first attempted reconciliation. In her foggy mind, it was I that had taken her kids away...not her actions and not because the Troll had pushed her. She recently said that as angry as she was about that, there was no way she would have ever reconciled with me as long as that still stood on the books.

Our last time in court for custody (June 2006), the judge ordered "shared" custody. In her mind, that meant she got 50-50, which allowed her to no longer to be angry at me. In reality, if she had read the fineprint of the order, I had the kids about 70% of the time (almost all weekends, 4 days a week, all spring breaks, etc). I actually got MORE time than the previous order where I had primary custody.

But the idea of me having custody was gone in her head. She was no longer mad at me. We then spent the next three months, only talking twice (huge Plan B for me!). She now says that in that time, with the Troll in Florida telling her she must move there and be with him without the kids, with her all alone, with the kids mostly gone with me, and with her no longer angry at me...that is what finally allowed the fog to fully leave and for her to come forward and ask to talk about a true reconciliation and recovery.

Quote
I don't think many men realize how hopeless your situation appeared and how well you did things to get your WW back. But she returned after you had given that up as a possibility, correct?

Didn't things look pretty hopeless?

Absolutely!! After the last court hearing (after two false recoveries), I had given up hope. Wait a minute, let me change that. I gave up my desire to control the situation anymore. I stopped trying to row the boat and just sat back and let it go where the current would take it. I sat in that boat, in Plan B, and just enjoyed the sun. I stopped thinking, stopped scheming, stopped worrying. Three months later, the phone rang. The rest is history.

Quote
Why DID you take her back?

Because she was never gone. I know that sounds weird...but I believe what God says when He says we become one when we are married. I also believe that no one...not the Troll, not my wife, not a judge...can separate us. Only He can.

All along I felt her. She always felt right there with me. And when she returned, when the fog no longer was obscuring her...I knew instantly that she had returned. I knew my wife was there...and the WW had left.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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Originally Posted by hope3343
Hi Mortarman, I think God led me to look at your post today.

I am feeling helpless in my own sitch. My H's A has been going on since June 07 and he has never looked back once since he told me he was not happy the end of July 07 (A was going on about a month and 1/2 at that point).

I made many mistakes, really love busted and had a failed Plan A because my emotions took over and we fought and he said I kept preaching to him and he could not talk to me. He filed papers for D last Friday.

I do not want this D. I want to restore my M. It has destroyed our family and my D15, who was the apple of his eye, is no longer speaking to him. I finally feel I am detaching but there is so much sorrow and pain with all of this.

At the beginning I was looking for a quick fix and I see now that I need patience and to be on God's plan -- not mine.

Please continue to update your story. It gives some of us hope even when it feels hopeless. Thank you.

Hope, no matter what, if yo uare following the Lord...He will work all things for your good. Stay beside Him. Listen to Him. Your husband is no longer your problem right now. The Lord will take care of Him.


Standing in His Presence

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Married April 1993...
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Hey, a fellow Virginian! I don't see many of those on MB. Where can I go to look at such laws (the separated-but-if-you-sleep-with-someone-it's-still-adultery thing for one)?

I want to know all about the marriage and divorce law situation here.

One thing my late grandfather (god rest his soul smile ) always touted about VA was that it did not recognize common-law marriage.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

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Originally Posted by karmasrose
Hey, a fellow Virginian! I don't see many of those on MB. Where can I go to look at such laws (the separated-but-if-you-sleep-with-someone-it's-still-adultery thing for one)?

I want to know all about the marriage and divorce law situation here.

One thing my late grandfather (god rest his soul smile ) always touted about VA was that it did not recognize common-law marriage.

Karmasrose,

What part of Virginia do you live in? I am in Northern Virginia.

If you look up the legal code in Virginia, it states the following:

"§ 18.2-365. Adultery defined; penalty.

Any person, being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any person not his or her spouse shall be guilty of adultery, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

(Code 1950, §§18.1-187, 18.1-190; 1960, c. 358; 1975, cc. 14, 15.) "



There is no content to this. No "unless legally separated." Actually, there is no such thing as legal separation in Virginia. As MelodyLane likes to point out...you either are married or you are not married!


Standing in His Presence

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4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
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Shoot...we even have fornication against the law:

"§ 18.2-344. Fornication.

Any person, not being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any other person, shall be guilty of fornication, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

(Code 1950, §§ 18.1-188, 18.1-190; 1960, c. 358; 1975, cc. 14, 15.) "


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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I live near Lynchburg. Just moved here so not sure of the county...looking at the map, I'd say...southwest.


Whoa, holy crap! (Pardon my french) There's a fornication law?? Wow, I love this place!

Seriously, all states need this law. :P

Last edited by karmasrose; 01/13/09 11:33 AM.

One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
I live near Lynchburg. Just moved here so not sure of the county...


Whoa, holy crap! (Pardon my french) There's a fornication law?? Wow, I love this place!

Seriously, all states need this law. :P

Yeah, me too! Now if we can just keep all of these silly foreigners (northeast liberals from Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, Maryland) from moving here and turning my state from red to blue...we can keep it that way!

Sic Semper Tyrannus


Standing in His Presence

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Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
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"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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It's funny, I'm pretty liberal except when it comes to things like this...

I'll look up the legal code. ...I'm the sort of person who enjoys reading things like that that almost no one else pays attention to. stickout


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

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Originally Posted by Mortarman
Please remember, I am blessed to live in the great Commonwealth of Virginia. Adultery is still against the law. Having the paramour around the children is still against the law. There is no such thing as legal separation, and thus...even if yo uare "separated," if you sleep with someone else, it is adultery. So, the pressure to alunch the attack wasnt as high with me because I had all the intel I needed and she had basically handed me an air tight case.

How I wish I lived in Virginia!!!!! It must have been a huge relief to know your children would not have to be around the OM. No such thing us Californians. They do not care why or what and I don't even think there is a way I can stop OW from being near my children. Its been 9 months and neither of us have filed. During Plan A H says he heard its financial destruction and should be avoided.


Quote
Absolutely!! After the last court hearing (after two false recoveries), I had given up hope. Wait a minute, let me change that. I gave up my desire to control the situation anymore. I stopped trying to row the boat and just sat back and let it go where the current would take it. I sat in that boat, in Plan B, and just enjoyed the sun. I stopped thinking, stopped scheming, stopped worrying. Three months later, the phone rang. The rest is history.

This is great advice, just rest.



Quote
Because she was never gone. I know that sounds weird...but I believe what God says when He says we become one when we are married. I also believe that no one...not the Troll, not my wife, not a judge...can separate us. Only He can.

All along I felt her. She always felt right there with me. And when she returned, when the fog no longer was obscuring her...I knew instantly that she had returned. I knew my wife was there...and the WW had left.


Well said!


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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Interesting article on one guy who was prosecuted back in 2004:

Virginia Adultery Prosecution


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Originally Posted by Mortarman
Our last time in court for custody (June 2006), the judge ordered "shared" custody. In her mind, that meant she got 50-50, which allowed her to no longer to be angry at me. In reality, if she had read the fineprint of the order, I had the kids about 70% of the time (almost all weekends, 4 days a week, all spring breaks, etc). I actually got MORE time than the previous order where I had primary custody.

Mortarman, did the divorce actually go through and if not how long was it in the works?

In looking at your timeline it took you 4 years to reconcile? Is that correct.

Originally Posted by Mortarman
Hope, no matter what, if yo uare following the Lord...He will work all things for your good. Stay beside Him. Listen to Him. Your husband is no longer your problem right now. The Lord will take care of Him.

Mortarman, I have been really trying to follow the Lord...even though there are days I struggle with the control. Your right my H is not my problem. I saw up on T2L about the 2 word prayers. Lord: Chase him, break him, save him. I pray for this everyday. This will be a difficult journey but seeing your long journey to have your WW return helps the rest of us. Thanks again for posting


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

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Hope, it was over 4 years, with two false recoveries. I will have more on here as I pull it up, so you can see the progression.

We never actually went to the divorce phase. Since this is a fault state, she had no grounds to file for divorce until we are separated for a year. I on the otherhand, had adultery as a fault, and could have had a divorce if I wanted, within 90 days.

But, the custody paperwork was filed twice by my wife, the two times she left. Both times she lost.

Also, read my link below about the roles of husbands and wives, as I think it may help you!


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Originally Posted by Mortarman
I will say one thing about my situation. My wife and I are an MB success story. Not necessarily because we are together again and the affair is gone. But because of what we have learned. I am a better husband than I was before. She has learned to be a better wife than she was before. We understand what marriage is about now, and how it works. No matter if we had made it or not, I would have still been a success story because of what I learned through the process.

thanks for sharing your success story.

Mortarman, I am still in the infancy stages through recovery but your thinking is so positive and confirms some of my own thought process I have had recently.

I still think that staying together in the end in a much better improved marriage will define the success part but that also puts extra pressure on me to make this work.

Originally Posted by Mortarman
Being on the other side of things, I can tell you that all of the worries about "can we overcome what has happened?", "can I trust her again?", "can I love him again?", etc have largely fallen away.
can you expand on this a bit more for me please ? So are you saying, with all the learning, better husband, better father, the new found respect you have for each other - the love generated is automatic or it does not matter ?

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Optin,

I will go into this more when I get to the end of my update. But in short, what I mean by this is that as time passed, as we continued to do the things we needed to do (meet ENs, no LBs, spend time together, etc), then a lot of the hurt and resentment began to just fall away. As Steve Harley told me, the affair and all of the mess began to get smaller in the rearview mirror as we headed away.

Too many get back in and want to rehash what happened. Why? Why do that to yourselves? Knowing what you have learned, the two of you just move forward from here. And dont drag the past with you. Just drop it and proceed forward. And as Steve said, it will get smaller as you move away from it.



Standing in His Presence

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Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
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Next update:

I posted up top the first post I ever had on MB. I will add posts as I continue to update.

As you can see, I was posting in June 2002. I had no idea of the plans my wife had (but in retrospect, I can see where she was trying to head out and move out). I was in a world I didnt understand, but was beginning to learn MB concepts and read here. I had no idea how bad it was going to get, though.

Here was the next thread:
Mortarman's next post


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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