So from this I gather he did not contact you for a date. Well then i agree with your steps as you will need to be the one to take initiative if he does not/

No -- he did not. since the lunch went so well, I thought he might . . . :o(

Below are the emails that my H and I exchanged today. I was crying this afternoon at work because I am so discouraged and I love him so much. My friend was trying to comfort me to say that this exchange was good -- that he wants to talk to me.

Me: Haven't heard from you in awhile and was wondering how you are doing?

H: Hello. Having a very busy work week. I don't quite remember having a deadline this "frantic. How you doin'?

Me: Having busy week too . . .got our new system release and it is not going well. Been chaos since Monday.

H: Oh, dear. New dysfunctional system releases are never good. I got pulled into a conference call yesterday that went from 4:40 to 5:30. I had to explain every single schedule to two HR people who had zero knowledge. That was tricky, and rather taxing as well.

Me: Gah. . .just got out of an emergency meeting about the release. . . got another one at 2 PM. I was so tired and brain dead that I slept until 7 AM this morning!!!! The alarm was set for 6 Am but I think I snoozed it for a whole hour. . .I don't remember doing it at all. Needless to say. . .I was in overdrive getting to work today ! I bet you'll be having more conference calls like that prior to the 15th. Do you have to do overtime this weekend?

H: Gah! Actually, of all the Dilbertisms, I like "GAHH!" the best. Or maybe 2nd best after "a herd of slow-walkers." Yeah, I've got conference calls over the place this week. And the annoying thing is, most of them are of the "unscheduled" variety rather than the preferable "scheduled" ones. But no, no coming in on the weekend.

Me: That's good . . .you'll get to enjoy the long weekend. I was going to ask if you wanted to get together again but it sounds like you are tied up.

H: Yeah, tied up is definitely one way to describe it. "Insane in the Membrane" would be another (Coworker and I have been singing that today to describe our mental states). How bout Wednesday or Thursday next week?

Me: Wednesday sounds good. I liked your suggestion to go to Au Bon Pain near me if that's okay with you? Also, I was wondering if I could give you a call Friday evening or Saturday sometime: I want to use the fireplace for the first time and am a little nervous about opening it ! Could you walk me through it?

H: Marked you down for Wednesday, Au Bon near you sounds good, and I'll be happy to help you through your fireplace nervousness.

Me: I don't want to knock it out of alignment again ! It will probably be Friday evening -- what time do you normally get home?

H: No one wants that. Lately I don't have a "normal," but probably some time between 6:30 and 7:30?

Me: Okay -- cool -- give me a call around that time. By the way. . .did you try any of the jams/jellies?

H: Yeah, I opened up the black cherry jam, and even bought bread to put it on. Thanks for bringing those.

Me: I am happy that you liked them . . . I think I kept a peach jam for myself. . .I should get some Italian bread for it. Well, Insane Brain, I hope you aren't stuck at work too late . . . .if you want to vent/talk, you know my number.
-- Me

H: Insane in the membrane, insane in the BRAIN!

Oh -- and I had a question for everyone/anyone: When there is no affair involved (that I know of), can the terms Betrayed Spouse and Wayward Spouse still apply?

If so, who is who in my situation? It is true that my H left but I feel like he is more the BS.

Sorry, one more thing -- I haven't seen recent posts here from SoulDragon or LovingAnyway -- are you gals out there?

your husband is the betrayed here...even without an affair. Abuse is certainly grounds for him being a betrayed spouse.

Thanks -- that's the way I was looking at it too -- not in the beginning but now I do.

Medc and others:

in the last 6 weeks, my H and I have had two good face to face lunches and one coming up next week. Good email exchanges and good phone calls.

I was hoping we could set up a dinner date for an evening or weekend. Is it premature to suggest this? I don't want to pressure him or move too fast.

As someone said previously, that he is Plan B'ing me right now even though he doesn't know it. So am I responding appropriately to his Plan B?

On another note, over the last week, I've gotten at least three piece of feedback about how patient I've become and better at reacting to things going wrong -- one from a family member and two from people at work. I'm changing and it feels good !

Thanks,
MMM

MMM

Patience, have the third lunch first, gauge how it's going, mention a movie that you want to go see. Pick one that you know he would like to see. Supper maybe to serious of a sounding date for him but were as a movie might entice him. Plus he would have to fell safe that not a lot of conversation has to go on.

I'm dating impaired though. My advice is suspect.

Just had a conversation with my H about the fireplace flue -- I think I got it now -- that dang thing is tricky! I would have loved for him to come over and show me but I guess I am expecting too much!

Anyway, we didn't talk long because his sinuses were acting up (normal for him this time of year) and he sounded all stuffy. We talk a little -- he said he is going to a concert tomorrow with his buddy and his buddy's brother in law. Said he committed a couple of months ago and forgot all about it.

I asked if he wanted to hang up because he didn't feel well. . .he said yes, that he was going to relax. I asked if he wanted to talk later in the weekend and he said okay. I said "how about giving me a call when you have some time?" He said "Okay, how about sometime Monday?" I agreed. I told him to "take care, pal" and he said "thanks, I will" and we hung up.

I was ready to burst . . .I just wanted to tell him how much I love him and how much I've changed, how much I wish he could enjoy the fire with me like old times, etc. But I managed to keep it light.

I guess the more he and I can interact and in different situations, then maybe he will notice the changes.

My H called like we set up on Friday. We talked about the things we did over the weekend and he was talking about vacuuming and he bought a vaporizor to help his cold. It all hurt so much . . .

I asked him about the health insurance -- he said that he didn't even think about it and he was going to check at work to see when their enrollment is. He asked how much it would be to keep him on mine -- I didn't know b/c the paperwork is at work. So he said we can talk about it more on Wednesday when we meet for lunch.

I asked how his parents were doing b/c his dad was supposed to retire this month but that has been pushed back b/c of the financial market conditions.

Then he said that he was driving down (7 hrs away in different state) to see them this upcoming Friday and coming back on Monday. I felt like I was stabbed in the heart. . .we used to have a lot of fun on road trips -- singing songs, eating licorice, talking, etc.

So then I said: Well, I was going to ask you if you would like to go to a movie this weekend but I guess you're not available.
H: No, not this weekend, for sure.
Me: Well, do you think you would like to go another weekend?
H: {paused} hmm, do I have to answer that question now?
Me: No, you don't have to answer it now.
H: Don't forget. . .I will see you on Wednesday. (kind of chipper?)
Me; Yes, that is true.

Then, I forget what else was said but we ended the call. I was so discouraged after this call. . .just hearing him doing ordinary things makes my chest hurt. My Grandma said that he didn't say anything bad.. .he didn't say no to the movie. . .just that he had to think about it. And that he can sell all that crap so the physical trappings shouldn't mean anything.

Well, like LovingAnyway said, I can't base my actions on what I think his responses may be. . .I asked him to a movie.. . it will be interesting to see what the final answer will be.

MMM, since he has to think about the movie do not bring it up again. I think you have to give him a chance to bring it up. If he does not then it might be too much pressure. He did remark that you were going to see eachother on Wed. already, right?
I think putting to much meat on the burner might scare him off. Maybe it would have been better to bring up the movie face to face on Wed.. like..one thing at a time.
It is hard, i know. i wish we did not have to think this way and measure every word, but believe me, they do. even if a coma is out of place right now my H notices. it is starting to drive me a little crazy, but i am not going to let it get to me. patience, patience and patience
we hurt them too much. they are measuring every word and action now.

My H cancelled our lunch for this afternoon due to a work situation but we rescheduled for next Wednesday. .. so that's good.

At first I thought, "he is just blowing me off and making a fake excuse." But the situation he described sounds legitimate.

Oh well, I guess we won't have any contact between now and then.

Are any of you still around? Just found this forum today and going through a lot of what MMM was going through. I'm wondering how MMM is doing?