I am newly married - 4 months - and my husband and I dated for a year and half before getting married. I love my husband but we have been arguing so much ever since we got married. I have some insecurity issues that I have not healed from and will tell a little about "my story"- this is only a smidge of all I went through in the past:

When we were dating, the first six and a half months were basically torture for me. He and his ex put me through HEdouble hockey sticks! He kept going back and forth between me and her and would tell me he loved me, but all the while going behind my back still communicating with her, seeing her, and telling her he loved her too. He was constantly comparing me to her. I just told him to do what he needed to do everytime he broke up with me to go back to her, when he would be back to me a week later telling me he loved me and he's confused....he did that (broke up with me) on 3 different times. Well, he "finally" made his mind up and didn't communicate with her for after that last month he came back to me, we got married about a year later. During this time, he and his ex were in the "swinging" lifestyle and although curious about it, I did try it only to find it is not for me, not healthy and makes me even more insecure and doubt myself and his love for me. Found out before we got married, he was still "following" his ex and her three kids looking up their myspace profiles.....i told him that was very dis-respectful to me and he says he does it to remind himself of the mistakes he made in that relationship so he doesn't make the same in ours.....he said he would stop.....fast forward to marriage, found out he is STILL looking at their profiles. To me, it makes me feel he still thinks of her and wants her back. He says he doesn't communicate with her or her kids, but still, it still hurts that he would still dis-respect me and bring that hurtful past back into my life and our marriage. I told him the "swinging" lifestyle was not for me as well and he keeps bringing it up and says it shows him I am confident in myself and strong and I used to be so confident and strong and now I am not. He says I was being a fake back then when I was trying it and now we're married, I don't wan to do it. Being married is cherishing my vows, becoming one, and monogamus (sp?).....I don't think I ever allowed myself to heal from the past and I don't know if he can be patient with me to get that confidence and self esteem back I did have. I am just so confused, overwhelmed, and sad this is happening so early into our marriage.

Thanks for listening and I hope some of you can give me advice, input, or can understand

Welcome to MB, I saw you registered and was hoping you would check in.

Would your husband go to a MB weekend? Seems to be that you both are on very different plains and expectations on what M is all about?

Are these insecurity issues from past relationships or just your H and you? Your H ex wife, how long have they been divorced, how long were they M, you mentioned her children, is he not the father?

Swinging? IMHO, this will destroy your self-esteem and M fast. I wouldn't do it and I certainly would tell him it's because I have confidence in who i am that I am capable of knowing what is good for myself or not.

I'm the more touchy feely person here who is fighting to personally recover from A. It's late and might be slow, but be patient, you will got lots of advice.

You might not like it, but we are all together in one thing, supporting each other in tough times.

Thank you for responding. He was not married to her, nor were her kids his. They (he and his ex) put me through major turmoil that I don't think I have healed from before doing the "swinging" thing nor didn't ever know when he was going to leave me again.

His ex tortured me with threats, phone calls, etc and all the while telling me she didn't want him back, she just wanted to hurt him. Even after knowing this, he STILL continued to go back to her! He knows how much he hurt me and I am trying to move forward with us and our marriage, but it hurts so bad when he goes to her profile page and her kids to see what's going on in their lives. It just hurts and is disrespectful to me.

He sometimes understands why I feel the way I feel but other times just tells me that was in the past - well, yeah, but he keeps bringing the past into our marriage.

I don't know if he can let go of the "swinging" lifestyle either because he constantly brings it up. I don't know if he is trying to twist my view on it and wanting to make me go back to it. But, I've made up my mind and standing strong against it. I am working, and have to, work on myself.

I had few insecurities in the past but they have intensified since we've married. I don't know if I just ignored my feelings and they are all coming to the top now or what.

I think he will go to a MB. I've already told him I think we need counseling because we just seem to be going around in this circle over and over again and getting nowhere.

NikNik, I hate to state the obvious but why did you marry someone who is open about wanting other sexual partners? If he has no problem with swinging, he will have to go undergo a radical change in mindset before you can even begin to work on MB principles.

I know...but when I was "trying" it and curious he kept telling me if I never wanted to stop doing it or not ever do it again, just tell him and he would be fine. All he wanted was me.....well, I have told him, and I feel I am not enough and he does keep bringing it up. So now it scares me

NikNik, where do stand on swinging (aka, adultery)? You're OK with him doing it, but you don't want to? Or you don't want either of you doing it? It sounds like he wants to continue that lifestyle, but will feel guilty about it unless you're doing the same. I certainly don't mean to discourage you, but I don't think you'll get a lot of help from the forum members because either spouse's acceptance of a lifestyle that condones affairs is foreign to the MB concepts. Have you read the concepts and basic principles? Has your H read them? If not, that would be a good starting point.