I've been searching these boards for advice, and I've found so many positive posts...anyone who has survived an A is amazing.
Last March I caught my H cheating. He lied about where he was and didn't answer his cell and I called the hotel and asked for her name...she was there. He met her in January at a conference and talked highly of her, but I wasn't suspicious until it became clear that he was pulling away from the marriage. I had just had twins and was experiencing some PPD. Didn't realize it until the A was revealed. Anyway, he met with her at 2 more conferences and told me she wasn't there when I asked, and actually made me feel a bit crazy for being suspicious.
When he got caught he basically said, I don't love you anymore and want out. After 3 months of living at his parents (she lives out of state) he decided to try to make it work with me. I believe she dumped him, or decided he had too much baggage. Anyway we tried counselling and had a decent summer with the babies. But it still nagged at me that he wouldn't admit travelling to see her or that they had sex, even in counselling.
So finally I searched his office and found evidence that he went to see her and confronted him. He admitted to that and that he had sex with her several times. Other than that he refuses to give any more information. I feel like there isn't true remorse because he keeps telling me he doesn't want to talk about it and because I won't let it go that I'm obsessed and will be miserable for life. It's so hard to look at him or be with him. I feel like the only reason I'm hanging on is because I have 2 beautiful children who don't deserve any of this. But if he doesn't start showing remorse soon I will have to leave...
I read somewhere that if the person who has the A can't recognize the pain they have inflicted and be part of the healing then the M has no chance.
Is this it?

Do not think you can just "LET IT GO". There is never really any letting it go.

I can only speak for myself, but the lack of remorse is the reason I divorced. I've done things I regret in life, no doubt. But, when I hurt someone, I own it and apologize. Some folks just are not capable of this and they do not make good partners.

Wow, lots of karma on this thread...

I don't know if you can get through to your husband or not, but if you try telling him that unless he is willing to tel the truth about the affair and show by his actions that he knows how to avoid having one again in the future that you will NEVER let it go. You might move on, but will NOT be able to forget that it happened.

Dr Harley has said that those who have experienced both rape and betrayal by their spouse have said that the betrayal was more traumatic than the rape. Those who lost a loved one to death, even a child, claimed that the betrayal hurt worse than the loss in many cases.

In order to actually recover from an affair a specific plan must be in place. This plan must include never seeing the affair partner ever again, but it must also include a method of ensuring that no other affair partner can ever enter the picture. This can only be done by putting into place extraordinary precautions that make a further affair unlikely if not impossible.

I can tell you that unless the affair is examined and understood, not why it happened but how, that you will never feel safe to let your husband have full access once more to your heart. And this will make your marriage less likely to be able to avoid future affairs by either of you than resolving the problem rather than avoiding it.


Read this: Joseph's Letter and see if you can get your husband to read it too. I suggest printing it out for him rather than sending him here right now.

Sorry you are here, but under the circumstances, it is a wonderful place to be, though none of us wanted to be here in the first place.

Mark

What this tells me is that he cares more for himself than for you. HIS well-being, his happiness, his comfort is more important to him than yours. That's what I see.

Thanks.
I'm just dealing with so much, it's been 9 months since the A, but finding out the lies makes it fresh again. He actually said to me that he didn`t admit to the sex because it would hurt me and asked if I was satisfied now that I know about it.
It seems so cruel that a spouse could inflict so much pain to the one person they are supposed to protect.

YES! catperson, he is a total narcissist.

Are you sure about that? Has it been officially diagnosed? Because that can change your course.

No not oficially. Many people who know him said that even before the A he had a hard time showing empathy for others. He often says and does things that demonstrate an air of superiority. I have read alot on the subject of personality disorders and he shows many characteristics of a narcissist. For example, he cannot tolerate percieved `weakenesses`or behaviour he feels shows incompetence. I ask how he judges people in this way and he responds by saying they are losers who live small lives. He and the OW had been sharing materials about living positive lives and reaching enlightenment, yet he was living a lie and acting in ways that totally contradicted all he professed to be. Catperson, how would this change the situation...I`m interested.

If he truly is, you will never get anywhere with him, and unless you have a super-high sense of self-esteem, you'll not likely survive living with him. Or else you will have to have an extremely hard set of boundaries that you will not allow him to cross. Just don't see it happening.

You know, I`ve known this for a long time, but having someone state the reality of the situation makes it real. My self-esteem has always been fine until this happened. I never questioned my intelligence or choices and certainly not my ability to cope with him. But after he left I felt lost and insecure and acted in ways I can`t believe. This is the picture of me he refers to now and not the person I was before my pregnancy and the affair.

Is there any way to have him diagnosed and learn more about this behaviour...I have only once called him on it and he acted like he`d never heard the word. I also read that these people will eventually find fault with everyone but themselves.