Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and dont get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wifes cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise. Do you buy her story?

I don't buy it for a second.

Any kids? How long married?

Under what circumstances would you refuse to remain married to her?

You know, before all this happened to me and I started reading all this stuff, I might have bought her story. I agree with Kahuna. NFW would I beleive her story.

This isn't innocent, a one night stand, or the first time its happened.

Don't be gaslighted.

Give us more details about your situation and marriage.

Those texts aren't innocent, show that there is flirting with another man in a big way and that there's probably been stuff that has already happened.

Sorry you're here.

If you have kids, I'd have a lawyer ready on speed dial.

We have four children 8, 5, 4, and 2. We have been married for 9 years.

The only way I would not stay is if this stuff keeps happing. We have a great relationship other wise. She is a great mom. She is going to school on line, stays at home with the kids when I am at work, and goes to work when I get home. She has to much on her plate if you ask me. But she does not see it that way. I just wish there was somting I could say that would make her tell me the truth. This stuff with me thinking that see did have an affair and her lying about it is killing me. I think it would be easier to deal with if I just new the REAL truth.

ARRRG I dont know how to deal with this.

Her track record is that she will continue to do this. This IS/HAS kept happening.

She is not a faithful woman. Never has been, never will be.

Are the children even yours?

She's too selfish and self absorbed to be a good mother too BTW. By definition an adulteror is a poor parent.

I do think you need good legal advice as I don't see any hope here.

I really hate saying that as it will be devastating for your children but I see little option given her record.

Our marriage is really happy other wise. I know he has been flerting with her for a while, she told me that. I know she is VERY insecure about her body after the kids. I dont know why, she is 115lbs very beautifull and she hears that from a lot of people, customers fmily, me all the time. It looks to me like this guy started flirting with her and it went to her head. He is in his early 20's. She is 30. It just looks like she let attraction get the best of her, and she had been planing it for a while. There were text ealry in the day about him calling nother coworker to cover from him. He could not get that covered becuse I know he worked that night. My brother in law still works there as a cook. Later that night there were text from him to her saying "you will wait for me right". She lied to me about what time she got off. She got off about 10:30 or 11:00, and she did not text me till 11:30 saying "when I get done cleaning up we are going to get a sandwhich". I told her that looks like she was trying to buy her self more time.

dsm,

You have confirmation that she lied.

So now you have to take some steps to put an end to whatever is happening.

Second, start spying for more solid proof. Get into her computer account and email and you'll likely find more of the truth.

Look at your cell phone records online. They'll contain a calling and text history.

Now, keep your head straight. This is very emotional time and you don't want to show your cards too soon.

Gather your intel smartly and wait to expose until you have definitive proof.

Get a voice recorder and put it in her car. That will catch any phone conversations she may have and offer you more proof.

Your wife is going to have to quit this job and find another one, but you've been lied to for sure already and have said so yourself.

Look at the stories on this board. You're not the first guy to come here and say that his wife said, "he's just a friend".

There's more to it than that and she had a rendezvous planned with this guy for a while.

Do not buy the garbage. Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see when dealing with a cheating wife. They lie and are very convincing in their lies and they justify their behavior.

You may be in the very, very, very lucky few who caught a situation before it got physical, but you'd be in the minority.

We've seen your stories many times here. The lies she's telling you are from a script and we've seen this movie many times. Your lines are from a script as well. They're the lines of a husband in denial that his wife is cheating or would be capable of it.

Sorry to tell you that we've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. We know your story before you even tell it to us. The lines are straight from a script from a bad movie we've seen too many times.

But we can help you uncover the truth.

Take a look at mgolfer's thread. His wife was cheating on him with a cheer leader on her squad she was coaching.

She lied to him very effectively as well and he did the right things to get her back.

But is now dealing the the recovery crash after the honeymoon return.

Read other stories so that you can see how common your story is.

I agree with BK. Her track records suggest this will not be her last time. Sorry that this happened to you again.

What the heck does this mean?

Otherwise as in when she's not having sex with other men?

Your are fooling yourself my friend.

Get a good lawyer and save your babies.

DSM,

I notice that Dec. 19 was DDay, which was several weeks ago. What is the update from DDay?

Well last night I confronted her again. In one of our past talks she said what can I do to help you. So I told her last night that she could help me by helping me understand all the things that don't add up. Long story short she tried explaining some things others she couldn't. I told her I feel I cant be in a marriage with someone I cant trust. She sobbed begged, keeps saying nothing happened. She only want to be with me, says she will not let me go. We are going to our second counseling session today. Maybe she can help us through it. I don't want a divorce. If we can save our marriage I want to do it. We owe that to our children.

Will she take a polygraph?

My thoughts, too. Ask her to take a polygraph. Watch her reaction. Indignation or hostility are clear signs that she is lying. You busted her in an assortmanet of lies which she cannot eexplain. She should have no objection to taking a test and should realize her lying has caused the need for one.
I've seen the mere threat of an impending test dislodge the truth after it becomes imminent and the WsS sees it is really going to take place.
If she agrees, follow through. Aparrently, many agree thinking yu will not proceed and in the hopes that you will let it go.

DSM,

These are good signs.

But prepare yourself. You can survive infidelity. But you must get the full truth from her.

Understand that learning the truth slowly over time will be extremely painful for you.

It's best for her to fess up right away.

You will find out the truth through other means.

You can tell her that you certainly want to save your marriage and don't want a divorce either, but you must know the full extent of everything that happened no matter how painful.

Your recovery hangs on this very thing. You can't recover if you only have a partial truth.

Comments such as "you know you want me" are things which lead to things happening.

The fact that you found her drunk shows that things likely happened.

If she truly wishes to save your marriage, then she must quit that job and have NC with that man for life.

None.

But you must get the truth.

There's an interrogation technique where you leak out a slight bit of your info to make the other person believe you have a lot more than you truly have.

So you must gather intel.

Examine your cell phone records. Look at how often they exchanged texts and calls.

Get into her email account and any facebook, myspace, or any of those type of sites.

The full truth is the only way you can move forward and she has to be willing to work with you through your pain over the truth.

But it's good that she's not lashing out in anger and is instead showing shame and remorse. THIS is a very good sign. You may just have one of the few wayward wives that is worth saving.

You can emerge from this pain with a stronger and better marriage that is rebuilt.

Just be aware that there is much pain ahead for you in learning the truth.

You must spy to get it, though.

Ohmygosh! You owe it to your poor wife to pay for a polygraph and give her the opportunity to clear her name! That will clear her name and give you the peace of mind you so badly need. I would suggest calling the police station and asking if they can recommend a reliable polygraph expert.

This might be the perfect solution for you both since you are not going to be able to put this to rest until you are assured you get the truth. And she deserves no less than an opportunity to prove her truthfulness to you.

All great suggestions, I have gotten very good at checking her
e-mail, my space, and phone/text. I have not found anything at all. Now she could just delete them as soon as she gets them, she is good at covering her tracks because she knows I spy. The trouble with continuing to spy at this point is we are at the point in counseling that we are working on trying to rebuild trust. The counselor tells me I need to stop spying and put my trust in her. And she tells my wife she needs to be open and honest, let me know who she text/calls/e-mails during the day. Not every move but she told her to start communicating with me. I do feel me spying is hurting our relationship. But my problem is I just feel that gives her all the opportunity to do what she wants and I wont find out. Thats the thing Worth rebuilding trust I guess is its not easy. All I can say is if she did have an affair she was willing to let me file for divorce rather than tell me the truth. Now thats keeping a secret. I still feel in my heart that she was unfaithfully. And just like you said the not knowing the complete truth is the hardest part. That is not good for our marriage as well. The not knowing is effecting me in many bad ways. Its something I cant seem to handle right now. I will have my fist session alone with our counselor next week. My wifes single sessions will come shortly. I just pry that in my sessions with the counselor that she can help me deal with the uncertain I have. I guess time will tell. Its just hard to spot spying. I feel I need and deserve to know the truth. Besides I don't know how else to spy than to look at her phone, e-mails, and myspace account. They have all turned up empty to this point. But just because they have does not mean she is innocent. I also feel if I make her quit her job that will not solve anything any way. If she goes to a new job then there will be a new guy. Its not the job its her (if she did it). She has offered on two separate occasions to quite her job. Time will tell I guess.

I'll tell you what I did to finally get the truth:

I called the other men. The one she got physical with fessed up and told me it got physical.

I was calm when I called him and I assured him that I simply wanted to know the truth.

He told me, which led to d-day.

So did the other guys that I discovered, there may have been more.

Someone should link you to trueheart's letter. It's a good one to give her to help her see.

Trust your gut.

Polygraph and paternity test immediately.

She's lying and IS a habitual adulterer.

How much do you wanna bet me that there are toxic friends at work helping her?