The abuse in my past isn't sexual, it's emotional.

I am trying to deal with it, first in accepting that it happened, not just in my childhood but my M and trying to understand how it plays out in me TODAY.

Because it's there, I just dont' know how it's there.

Think you may be getting off on the sugar?

Can't you go to the local mental health center for counseling? Or a teaching hospital? A place that's sliding scale?

Food addicts anonymous, OA and probably all eating 12 step programs, not to mention my own experience.

Mimi, you can't tell me that she didn't know instinctively that dying was a possiblity at her weight NO WAY. We may be FAT we aren't STUPID.

There was a shift in her.... I don't believe it was the drs.

No, not getting off, but certainly getting crazy. It puts me in a fog for sure.

[quote] Can't you go to the local mental health center for counseling? Or a teaching hospital? A place that's sliding scale? The local mental health center that would take me, the rest are filled up is an hour away and I don't have that kind of gas money. I don't qualify for sliding scale, because it's reported by the state of washington that I receive child and spousal support. They don't care if you actually get it, just that it's stupposed to be there.

Now, I hadn't thought of a teaching hospital so I am going to look into that idea.

I certainly may have this WRONG.

Are you WAITING for something to HAPPEN in you?

Yes and No.

I know I have to do the footwork. but I would like a little less fight out of myself.

...I'M SPEECHLESS...

Ok, bad wording. I would like a LOT LESS conflict WITHIN myself.

I got the fight in me.. I'm tired of the conflict.

Better? Ok,for instance.

Yesterday I ate the same exact food that I have had today. Nothing more nothing less. Yesterday my food was easy and I stayed the same. Today, my food has come harder, I'm more fixated on it and I gained two lbs.

Mimi, your thoughts?

Shabbat Shalom, Mark, Miriam and Bellevue.

Happy Weekend Everyone

You know what, Queenie?

I'm going to give it to you straight. I'm owning this as MY OPINION.

You know I'm fond of you, girl. So I'm not trying to kick you. I'm trying to help you.

That ALL being said..Hon, you sound like a Wayward...in your addiction...

You are trying to do this YOUR WAY and explaining this to US like it makes sense. That's why I keep getting confused. It sounds like FOG BABBLE. What does "my food was EASY" mean? Maybe you need to be more explanatory. Do you mean it was EASY not eating too much..EASY going down?..EASY to choose????

And then your food "COMES HARDER" and you GAIN TWO POUNDS? Do you think you MAGICALLY gained two pounds and does "HARD" mean you ATE more?

To me, I can't understand what you are saying, Queenie. Are you using some sort of OA language that I am not familiar with or is this your way of explaining your eating?

I think you need to be on a WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM!! What is keeping you from doing that? That is how you will lose weight, Queenie. Pick out a PROGRAM and then try to stick to it.

There is NO GOOD REASON how come you can't be on a WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM in conjunction with OA.

You know Mimi, you and I have been through way too much and for too long to pull any punches and hold back when we are frustrated about stuff. I’m truly not trying to be difficult.

Into my ADDICTION, I’m owning that I am and sounding like a wayward. I certainly won’t deny it because then I would know it’s true. But I assure you, I’m trying… I’m in a hole, I’m trying to dig out. I’m going to meetings, I’m working with a sponsor, I’m being honest with my food to her, I’m praying, I’m working the steps. I don’t know what else I can do.

Maybe it’s an OA terminology or just mine. I know that when I am in those meetings, saying it’s easy is understood, so I might have to find a way to explain it better to you.

Yes, I mean the desire to not overeat isn’t a thought, it isn’t a fight. I pull out what I plan to eat and I’m satisfied. No, it’s not about going down at all.

Sometimes the choices are easier, but when I’m being “good” with my food, I am not making decisions about what I am eating as I’m hungry. I have my food planned out. I have food that is satisfying to me.

No, it’s not necessarily that I eat more. I’m not as satisfied with the choices of my food. I crave sugar, I obsess more about eating… It consumes me, about sneaking it, the internal fight takes over. The insane talking between the healthy part and the part that just wants to stuff. Is that better?

Mimi, let’s talk this through….weight loss program to me sounds like DENIAL. When I am into my addiction, which I absolutely agree I am into, not necessarily by just eating, but certainly by my thoughts and actions, I eat more out of control.

I have a food plan that I want to keep to, what will help me lose weight, but it doesn’t matter because I can’t seem to get the sugar out of my diet which for just ME seems to be some type of trigger or catalyst.

Does this help at all. Am I being more confusing?



The weight-loss program I speak of isn't designed by ME. It's designed by my boss who is a natural dr. It's a no yeast/no candida diet and I absolutely love the plan.

I could do atkins easily. Weight watchers, I'm a total failure on. Total.

I think you need to seek help from a physician as soon as possible.

Contact the closest teaching hospital in your area that has an eating disorders program.

What you are dealing with is very complicated but highly treatable by trained professionals, Queenie.

You need EXPERT assistance.

I don't know, maybe you are right. I'll give it some thought and do some checking around.

Mimi, my relation to food isn't "normal" it's my DRUG OF CHOICE. It's what I did before I did drugs and drinking and it's what I went back to when I got sober.

I changed my mind from that previous post that you posted.

I read back over what you have been saying and I would highly recommend for you not to tackle this on your own without professional help.

So you are not SOBER. It is an ADDICTION that has been longstanding. That's why I think you are in need of EXPERT CARE so you can finally BEAT your ADDICTIONS..forever..

Check with the Department of Psychiatry at a UNIVERSITY...

Queenie:
I agree that sugar is a problem when trying to lose weight. I, in fact, was the leader for about 2 years of a church-based weight loss program, I became the leader when I lost weight and faithfully followed the program, the volunteer leader was moving, and for the program to continue someone had to step up the plate. I wasn't an expert or trained in the subject, but I did lead a group of women through a very successful program.

The program was called PRISM and was conducted in churches throughout the country. The benefit of this program was that it included a curriculum with daily readings which helped member examine why they do what they do in regards to food and eating. It was a self-improvement/weight loss program all in one.

As for the food portion, members needed to write down everything they ate during the day AND count calories. Yep -- that's the key -- counting calories. For instance, Cherrios are acceptable for breakfast. But have you ever measured out one cup of cherrios and 1/2 cup of milk and add up the calories? I never had before. Ends up, that I had been eating at least twice that over the years without understanding what a serving size was (check the side of the box) and how many calories were in a serving.

Sugar is bad, bad, bad. Natural sugars in fruit are good, good, good. Even honey is good. But, again, count calories.

Most problems I noticed over the years were people who thought it was OK to just eat things like frozen dinners or processed stuff. There are tons of calories in these types of meals. Best to stick to old fashion cooking -- protein, rice, fruits, veggies, etc. And bread is bad. Fast food can be OK -- like an In 'n Out burger without the bun -- "protein style."

Also important was drinking water instead of sodas.

If you're interested, search for PRISM on-line and see if there is a program in your area. If not, the curriculum could (at least it could a few years ago -- ) be purchased on line.

So avoid sugars, white flour, processed foods. Each fruits, veggies, rice, proteins. Count calories by checking serving size on box and measuring or weighing food. When in doubt, look up calories on line or buy a calorie counting book. Limit calories to around 1200 daily. And try to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. And don't weigh yourself everyday. Weigh on day one then again after week 6. You'll be surprised at the results.

Just my 2 cents from someone who's been there. I really liked this program because it was more than just food. It was self-improvement too.

Thanks Mimi for your time and suggestions. I certainly have a lot to digest on what you say.

Hi Holy, thanks for the food plan thoughts. I appreciate your two cents worth and thank you for the name. Hope all is well with you.

At 3:30 am I was abruptly woken up with YS handing me his phone. DD was hysterical asking me to come get her. Of course, I did and on the way I prayed to G-d asking him to remove my fear and direct my attention to being the loving, healthy mom I can be. Of course, I screamed into my head for a few moments that I needed H to help me, but fortunately my self-pity didn’t last long. I to G-d to make sure that it wasn’t serious and he hadn’t hurt her.

I arrived, picked her up and he is there. He’s standing off to the side, she is sitting across from him, gets up and walks over to the car. Situation seemed calm for all intent purposes. He waved to me as she got in the car and I waved back.

As she sat down she was clearly hysterical, apologized and said she didn’t want to call. I told her not to apologize, I’m her mom and that’s what moms get to do. I didn’t know what the hell was going on so I would wait and keep praying while listening to my music. She’s MY DD so I knew the story was coming soon. What I immediately noticed is she was drunk. And I KNEW intuitively how to handle this. I stayed quiet and let her spout her story, her poison, her disease.

She hit him, she was sorry he pushed her to far. He called her stupid, he kept pushing her and finally she exploded and hit him and then when she realized she was out of control she did what she knew to be the best thing today, get out of the situation and call me. Not to lecture, not to fix, but just to be there and love her because that’s what mom’s do. But I KNEW my daughter had become the alcoholic she had always been as a little girl. And I wasn’t sad, full of self-pity, I just was with my child knowing I was there for her and I always would be.

I listened to her spout her story and I realized she is telling my story with her father, from the frustration, the sadness, the sheer out of control anger - I didn‘t hit, I threw things at walls and destroyed items instead, and the total out of control feelings, the I‘m not going to get drunk, I‘m going to get healthy and bam here I am getting drunk because my BF wanted to party. But it was the chaos and the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again that hit home. And I just let it be about her and got her drunk butt home and in bed and I fell asleep after talking to G-d.

I woke up, wishing I could get her to go to a meeting, but SHE’S NOT DONE…

This thread has started to stop being about WH and more about my journey because contrary to beliefs I am healing and I am LEARNING to love myself. I just had a LOT FARTHER to go.

Some will understand this, most won’t, we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we had gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I have the promise in my life TODAY….

Before I got to the AA meeting this morning, I asked for this one person to be at the meeting, not sure why, just did. I got to the meeting, she was there and not only that, but she was chairing. I know that she has recently gone through drug issues with her child, but I didn’t know she had been in a eating disorder treatment program.

And in that moment as I read in the big book the very promise that comes sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, it had come in this very situation. Mark, you have reminded me over and over again how G-d uses us, how he cares about the bigger picture, the glory for himself. What if, ALL THIS, my life with my H, the insanity, the disease of our addictions, the pain, the EVERYTHING was for this single moment when I realized that my child is an alcoholic and I can’t FIX her, I can’t CONTROL her, but I sure as heck can help her by continuing to work my program and be the example that I wasn’t as she was growing up.

I get to give a living amend to my daughter by continually becoming a deeper student of AA and the 12 step program and working this in ALL my affairs. Like my food.

I’m not prepared to discuss the food anymore simply because Mimi you are right, I’m into my addiction and I’m foggy. But I’m not quitting and I’m surrendering to G-d to guide me in his path for me. This woman and I talked about how she thought she knew nutrition like I think I know nutrition and it struck me what she said and I’m contacting my dr and setting up an appt for help with nutrition,but that will have to come after I get some money from the state. I'm not avoiding, I'm being careful with my money.

My daughter won’t step away from this insane unhealthy relationship because she learned that from me. I should have walked away or at the very least sought AA years ago, but I thought I could control it and with all the sickness, I still love the schlep,and simply didn't grasp what was going on. I will always have the hope that things could have been different, but they are what they are.

I’m not acting today, but I am talking to my A this week about going after WH for the money that is owed me. I don’t know about the divorce, but I realize that I don’t have to be this stupid, pathetic victim and let him continue to control me by controlling the money.

It’s almost 12 hours since I was woken up to retrieve my first born. She has her path, she is clearly not done. She’s gone now, but before she left I told her that I loved her, that what she was doing was playing a dangerous game between her and BF and that I recognize she isn’t done. No lectures, no judgements, just love and prayers and when she really wanted support, I was there to help her.

And for that I same amen……

Wow, what a lot of ...Wow, that is a big 12 hours you have had.

Remember, when the plane is crashing, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. You can't help anyone else if you can't breathe yourself.