I read a post regarding the statistics on divorce with each subsequent marriage after divorce. So what is the point of remarrying or where is the hope that you wont fail again and again.

I married the first time very young. To my first husband I was the "wife". Basically a vessel for his pleasure, a showpiece for his friends. He didn't want the family scene even though after 5 and 9 years of marriage I gave him 2 beautiful daughters. He took vacations alone, left us/me alone. But I was raised by old fashion parents to be a wife, and muddle through, don't ask questions. One day he walked out, and decided he wanted to marry one of his many girlfriends.

I went to DivorceCare. Met a man who said wonderful things about how family was so important. He had children. Fell for and married him a couple years later. Learned that his family was important. Not my daughters, not really me. Took care of him and his boys. His ex wife even to an extent because she had issues. Later in the marriage his son who has mental health issues began physically abusing me, which I could handle, maybe but the mental and verbal abuse from husband I couldn't. He just literally fell apart one day and threatened me. I walked out.

So where is the hope? Does this mean I am doomed to be alone? No marriage will ever work for me? I don't want to be alone.

I always wanted someone to love me as I would love them. My emotions run deep. I am a very spontaneous, loving person and two men have tried to kill that in me. My family just welcomes me home now because it is like I am finally back to the little girl they used to know. (Married the first time less than two weeks after turning 18).

I didn't ask for the divorces. I had to leave the second time for my own safety.

CeeCee

Sorry your are hear. My story isn't much different, just a little reversed. I married very young to an abusive man. I ran for my life not long after my son was born. I had major issues but seemed to work through them and eventually met someone and married again. He was the neglectful husband and I did try to improve things for many years but eventually came to accept my lot in life. It was too bad because I thought I had actually found peace with myself in the relationship when one day he dropped the bomb that he was leaving - for another woman. So like you, I sit here wondering if I'm doomed to be alone.

Unfortunately, I can't really offer advise - if I could I'd be taking it. I'm pretty sure I'll never marry again but I might live with someone. This goes against everything on this site, but I am afraid of just being another statistic and to be honest, I don't think I can believe the wedding vows coming from anyone else's lips except my own. I feel as though my definition of marriage is out of line with the rest of society, and I don't understand their's so perhaps I'm better off staying out of it. Sounds sad, but at least this way I'll feel somewhat in control of my life.

How about focusing on yourself rather than on the fact that you don't want to be alone. Figure out why you feel you could have handled being physically abused. That's a red flag. Physical abuse is never ok.

Concentrate on figuring out who you are, what your needs are, how you can be happy with the person you are. Looking for the next person to be with without knowing yourself better won't help you choose wisely should there be a next marriage.

Nams has good advice, although it's hard to hear. Wiftty also has some good advice which is not to have expectations. I interpret that as "Life has no guarantees."

I got married a second time. He was a wonderful man, and we were perfect together. Unfortunately, we didn't even get to fight as a couple. Mike died less than a month into our marriage. We had a great relationship, but it ended through no fault of either of us.

Which means, even though it stinks, it's important to be comfortable alone. A romantic relationship is like icing on a cake: It enhances life, but life is still good without it.

I think the proper attitude toward relationships helps too. Each one of us needs to be willing to walk away from a relationship, even marriage. If you aren't, you don't have good boundaries, and you will attract abusive people.

I personally cannot imagine getting married a third time. I'm also pretty sure I'd worry my husband would die if I did. However, I think I may love again, and if I don't, well, life goes on. Life will one day be good again. Hold on to that hope, and stregnthen yourself.

BTW, the statistics are flawed by incorporating affair-based marriages. There are plenty of second and third marriages that last.

Right now I am focusing on myself. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out who I am alone. That doesn't mean that I want to stay alone. It doesn't mean that I want to jump into another relationship right away either.

Right now I am learning to live. I am trying to get involved in activities that I feel I missed out on because my husbands either didn't approve or didn't want to be involved in so I felt guilty for taking time away from them. Part of these revolve around my church, others revolve around my daughters and friends.

Now I feel slightly defensive. I am finding out why I allowed myself to stay. Most likely because I felt trapped and like maybe somehow it was my fault and I deserved it. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and this blows me away. I am involved with Counseling through Battered Womans to help understand for myself and hopefully to prevent the same from happening to my daughters.

I haven't given up though on men or marriage. I have seen people who have wonderful marriages unless they put on a good front or lie outright. Maybe it will happen. My prayers are much more specific now. Thats for sure.
CeeCee

My first wife and I divorced after 4 years.
We were very young. I was working and going to college.
As was she. It didn't get ugly or nothing like that.

I met my second wife and we have been married for over 25 years now.

My dad is divorced... he and his first wife married very young, and divorced pretty early on from what I understand. A few years later he met and married my mother.

My dad and mom are celebrating their 40th anniversary this year.

cp