yes, we have talked about these things...I know that he doesn't want to move.....if that was the case, we would've been out of our house, already.....I told him that I will do whatever it takes to work things out....I'm hoping for the OM and his family to move...after the fact, I found out that they (OM's family) had previously moved to their current house b/cause of another A that he had before me.
I know deep down that my H doesn't want us to give up s-ball, b/cause the girls love it....we just need to be sure that the OM won't be there.

Jeez, that isn't my biggest fear, I KNOW my WW would never even contemplate an A. She might leave me, but she wouldn't two-time, she was too humiliated by the exposure.

My biggest fear is that this whole thing emasculated me to the point that 1-2-3 years from now I am going to be feeling the same pain with a lousy wife.

My H thinks that I'm just sticking around for the kids.....and that once they're older, or even out of the house, that I'm going to pack up everything and leave him......he's dead wrong....I'm not just staying for the kids...I want to grow old and enjoy every minute of my life with my H and kids....I took that for granted

Did he say those words? Did you ask him?
Be careful about knowing what your H wants. That's a DJ and love busters are pure poison to a marriage.

Even if you're 100% correct, it will mean a lot to him if you ask him instead of assuming.

Scr3w softball.

You tell your BH that it his his call, whatever he wants, whatever he needs to feel comfortable, you will back him 110 percent.

Even a peep from you in favor is going to make him think you secretly want to run into the OM. Abd prefacing it on the presence of the OM just makes him loom as a continuing threat. maybe you don't see him at softball but you see him at the store.

Softball isn't worth your marriage. Especially to your daughters.

Whatever he wants.

Parkjee1,

Had my WW fallen on the sword like you have, I probably would not have divorced her. I think you just need to apologize repeatedly and tell him how little the A meant, how much you risked, how STUPID it was, and maybe he can get passed it. Its an awfully long time to not have come to your senses. That’s the problem I had w/ my ww A.

My W just shakes her head and said it was crazy, she was insane, selfish, she is so embarrased, worst mistake of her life, hurt so many people, humiliated herslef in front of her children, she is going to hell, black mark on her soul, hurt her family, hurt me, etc

It is hard to keep asking questions when she just prostrates herself like that.

What a great woman and an idealistic version of a WW(If there is one). Take FULL AND UTTER RESPONSIBILTY, acknowledge what they have done over and over again. Fall on the F SWORD like they should. I hope you are very proud of her, that takes character.

DUDE

Thanks. (thanks????)

Of course, the remorse didn't come out until after withdrawal, maybe 8 weeks after D-day. And eliciting it bums her out so much that it isn't something to seek out. But it is to the point where I know every answer, I ask something i know what she will say, so it shuts down a lot of that...

Yes, we have talked about it. We're not going anywhere....we both grew up in this town, and both his parents and my parents live within 5 minutes of us.....my H said they're (OM & family) the outsiders who don't belong.....and, if they moved once b/cause of an A, then, hopefully they'll do it again.
I never assume anything with my H, I always ask what he wants.

That's exactly what I do, and, the A didn't mean anything to me. My H says that it's not the fact that I had an A, but, who it was with....we used to talk about what a loser the OM was, and how he was never with his wife and didn't seem to really care about his kids....my H says, "that's the kind of man you wanted to be with!"...and, I never looked at it like that, b/cause I never thought of life w/him, I didn't think we had a future....
While the A was going on it's like I had 2 lives....the time I spent with the OM....which really wasn't that much...maybe an hour or so every few weeks....and then the rest with my H and kids.....I never thought of the consequences or how stupid it was, and I definitely never thought we would get caught.....but, secretly, I think I wanted to get caught.....b/cause then there was no other choice, but, for it to end (I've never told my H that).

That is an interesting observation. You might consider telling your H that bit of information(?)

Other more experienced here might have better insight than me.

Exactly,

Write the NC letter, give it to your husband with an addressed envelope. If he wants to mail it, then let him decide.

This is interesting to me because I've gotten about 4 different answers from WW.

Right after d-day it was "in a perfect world we'd be together". (Now totally denies ever saying it -- she did)

Then she said "we knew it would be a big blow-up like this"

Then it was "it was just supposed to be a friendship, it got out of hand."

Now it is "I'm ashamed and it was selfish and crazy".

I am the BW and my FWH had a 6-mo EA/PA from 1999-2000 (unfortunately another EA end of 2008). From 2000-2008, although the pain subsided, it was still there. Inbetween those years, the pain subsided and wasn't as intense, but I do believe, that it never goes away (this is from my own experience, though). Since I'm going thru this a 2nd time, the pain has been replaced by anger (but that's my story anyway).

Continue to account for your time, and fill the EN's of your BH. This will help to assure him of your committment to your M and your remorse from your A. If you aren't in MC, then try to go. This will help in your R.

As a BS, it isn't easy for us to understand and accept that we were dealt with these unfortunate circumstances. Be patient with your H. It isn't going to be easy, and will be a rocky road for both of you.

I'm not sure what's going thru her mind, but.....I know for me, my answer has always been the same....my H has given me plenty of opportunities to leave, he's even told me things like, "the kids will be ok", or "we may get along better if you leave"....I guess thinking that I want to be with the OM.....but, I never once gave it a second thought, I want to be with my H.
Trust me, I'm no expert, but it sounds like your WW doesn't know what she wants....

As one who did the betraying, let me say: THIS is how you need to be thinking. For the duration of the affair, and for the first few days after D-day, I was convinced I "didn't know" why I did it, why it happened, there must be these bigger issues... WRONG.

As SMB posted earlier, it is simple, and you DO know why it happened. What finally made me get it was my husband insisting (with such hurt and frustration) that I stop lying to myself. So now I'm telling you to do the same thing. Sit down and really think about it - don't spare yourself, don't delude yourself so you don't have to admit how bad it was/is, and start thinking insightfully.

Most importantly: SPEAK WITH YOUR BH ABOUT IT!! Even if it's an insight or thought that's not fully developed or understood yet, discuss it with him. Don't just toss your hands up and say "I don't know why I did it but I know I want my marriage" - instead, show your husband you're trying to work on what's important to him (like this question of why you had an A), take responsibility and partner to fix things, don't just sit back and dump things in his lap and expect him to figure it all out now that you know you want the M.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh or misplaced for your situation - I tell myself a lot of this daily, so I think that's where it's coming from. Good luck.

Tks for the advice. We did go to MC for 6 sessions (thru EAP at work), and I'm definitely going to look into finding one, so that we can start going again. On the bad days, I try to reassure him that I'm there for him and understand his anger.

Me having another affair is something that my H has brought up, also....he says once a cheater, always a cheater....I told him that I wouldn't want to go thru this again, I wouldn't want to put him thru that heartache, again.

Hello,

I think you are trying very hard but it is so devastating to your husband. Imagine if the roles had been reversed. Can you imagine how you would be feeling? If you had unprotected sex then it is essential that you and your husband have been checked for STD's. If you were having sex with the OM and also with your husband then your husband is at risk obviously. You mentioned that this OM had previous affairs so you must be checked for STD's. This is a consequence to affairs. I wish you luck.

This is an interesting thing to say. It's the consequences that keep you from having another affair. Does that mean if the consequences were different, you'd have another affair? Imagine you could have another affair and your husband would never know. There would be no fallout. Would you do it?

You need to not have an affair because you know it's the wrong thing to do--not because the consequences are negative. The reason you don't shoplift or rob people is because you inherently know it's wrong. It's not because you don't want to go to jail. It needs to be the same with an affair.