Overall I think the EN concept is good and is something both spouses should be doing to make a happy M. But I have one issue that kind of makes me feel bad in a sense. The concept that not meeting EN of a S causes or contributes to a S having an A with basically any other person who can met those needs. And furthermore once the BS meets those EN again (after A) of the WS they will just fall right back in love with them. I don't know sometimes I feel like it takes the 'specialness' that two people have when they fall in love. Shouldn't the actual person factor in there somewhere? Is it only about meeting ENs? Kind of makes me feel well if any other guy comes along and meets my WW top two EN then bam she will have an A. In a sense I feel 'pressured' that if we hit a rough patch and I'm not meeting my WW en's at that time and someone else steps in I should almost be expecting an A.

Yes, I understand this, as well. There will be times when the stresses and demands of life will make it impossible to meet these needs. So, one needs a committed spouse, one that does not just jump into an affair when things are not going well.
And, it is often the case that the WS has never made his or her concerns about the lack of meeting needs known to the BS. It is as if they expect the BS to be clairvoyant.
Uusally, if the WS's EN's were not being met, it is the case , also, that the WS was not meeting the BS's needs. But, for whatever reason, probably greater strength of character, the BS did not resort to cheating. So, in addition to working on meeting aeach other's needs, I think the WS needs to work on his or her deficiencies in communication, boundaries and integrity.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) Upside Down, this is the case!

We are at our base, the same as animals. Yes, we are human beings and have a higher sense of reasoning, morality, spirituality, etc. But the "animal" in us reacts the same way as real animals do.

We are drawn to those that treat us right, and are repelled by those who dont. Put another way, we go towards pleasure and move away from pain.

In the instance of rough patches, you need not worry if you have been putting deposits in the love bank. It is just like our finances. If we are barely filling the account, and a rough patch comes (car breaks down, etc), we find ourself in the negative and in a bad situation.

But if we had been making as large deposits as possible AND keeping from making any major withdrawals, then when the rough patch comes, we have reserves there to handle the storm.

It really isnt that complicated.

Upside_Down,

Consider that ANY relationship you will be in will require you doing your part to keep it going, and if you consistently allow the pressures of life to get in the way of doing that, it could spell trouble for you and your SO.


Yup. Maybe so. So, now that you are armed with this knowledge, what are you going to do about it from this day forward?

Not meeting ENs does not cause your spouse to have an affair. Your spouse *should* come to you and say "I need more affection from you" or "We need to spend some more goof-off time together". Failing to meet ENs does weaken the marriage, and you should be careful to meet your spouse's ENs in the way they like them met.

ENs change over time, so you need to pay attention and be aware that the top ENs of five years ago may not be the top ENs today. For example, when children are born the ENs for family support or domestic support may increase.

There is a lot more to a good marriage (and an affair) than ENs. You also need to avoid Love Busters, spend quality time together (15 hours of undivided attention each week), and learn to use tools such as the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA).

If you have all the MB basics in place, then during tough times when you temporarily cannot meet all of your spouse's ENs as well as you'd like, the marriage is strong enough to weather the storm. When someone at work compliments your spouse on their attractiveness, for example, and your spouse feels flattered, rather than trying to find ways to spend more time with the work colleague, your spouse will come to you and say "We need to figure out a change; Bob said how great I was looking and it really felt good. I want those feelings to come from you." You'll sit down together and work out a solution that you're both happy with.

I'd like to add that you also need to be sure you are listening to your spouse if he or she DOES come to you and say this.

My wife told me about problems in our marriage for years, but I wasn't paying attention. Eventually she got tired of talking to a brick wall and simply withdrew emotionally from me.

I hear you on that. I have a hobby that I spent a lot of time doing (she couldn't participate because of the kids) and never really understood the resentment she had to it. She says it was almost like I had an A with the hobby because of how much importance I placed on it and not her.

I think my WW behaved very similar to yours. For the past year or so I complained how cold she was but she wouldn't tell me why. She said that's just the way she was. She was involved in an A which I guess looking back was meeting her needs and she got tired of complaining about the same things to me.

I had the same thing going on with my hobby. I'd spend hours each night on the hobby - she would go to bed around 11, I'd stay up until 2am or later working on the hobby. In fact, I thought of the same analogy - an A with the hobby - and after I found MB, I read about what a repentant wayward spouse should do and used some of those steps to help rebuild our marriage.

I don't believe it is that simple. You said a vow that ended "until death do us part." This was a promise that you would never, ever have an affair. It doesn't say under what conditions - just that you won't. So when a WS cheats, they break their vow that they made, regardless of what ENs are met or unmet.

Meeting ENs makes a marriage enjoyable and fulfilling. A satisfied spouse is less likely to look to fulfil their ENs elsewhere. The key phrase is "less likely". It doesn't mean they won't.

When you think of it, ENs aren't really necessary at all to live. People can and do live without sex, affection, recreational companionship and every other EN you can think of. If you were to live this way with your spouse, your marriage would be completely unsatisfying, but you could still survive - and you still would have no excuse to cheat.

Arranged marriages, which still exist today, are required to keep to their vows. Cultures that still practice arranged marriages often have severe consequences for adultery, thus resulting in unfulfilling marriages that exist mainly to procreate and aside from that, spouses are little more than roommates. It doesn't mean they fight or even dislike each other - this is just the way their lives are. To them, ENs aren't needs, but intangible luxuries reserved only for the very lucky. And they don't cheat.

So I don't think it's a matter of bargaining - if I meet this EN, you won't cheat and vice versa. When you promised you wouldn't cheat, that should be that. Unfortunately in our society, promises and vows mean nothing.

I hear you. Beleive me I'm not one of those romantics who think there is only one person in the whole planet for you. I think people in general could marry a lot of different people given circumstance and the right situation.

I guess I just think its kind of superficial that some OM (or even me) can just meet my WW need of EN of conversation and bam she is love or thinks she is in love. Another conclusion from the whole EN fulfillment is if MB principle says that if I meet my WW EN's and she mine then we will be in love. But then doesn't that mean my WW and the OM were in love then? They were meeting each others EN?

My WW answer to that question would be no. She is adamant it was just a fantasy and not real life. I'm not sure based on the way she acted and stuff she told him.

I agree about the vows... BUT...

I think that attraction is a more powerful force than most people realize. I think that if you allow someone else to meet your ENs, and they are not love busting, you will develop some level of feeling for them... and if you're not careful, that level of feeling will deepen into "love". Or rather, it will deepen into those initial "in-love" feelings that researchers call "limerance".

At that point, the brain is flooded with neurochemicals that are very difficult to break free of. The person in this state is literally compelled to think about the object of their affection all... the... time...

When my wife and I reconnected, I felt this myself - I was in "limerance" with her for almost 6 months. I believe the shock of almost losing her coupled with winning back her love triggered the neurochemical rush that normally only happens in the initial phases of love. I thought about her all the time, I could see no wrong in her. She had some annoying habits that had grated on me for years that suddenly didn't even register anymore.

Anyway, the point is that attraction is beyond conscious control. If you are careless enough to allow someone to get close enough to meet key ENs, than you are playing with fire and run a real risk of falling in love, and that can happen even if you are in an arranged marriage with severe cultural penalties for adultery.

Once someone is in the grip of these feelings, it would be very, very difficult to avoid going to the next step. A culture with severe penalties for adultery would deter some from taking that next step, but our society is permissive about that kind of thing and offers little deterrent to an affair.