I'm beginning to get a handle on the scope of the separation from my wife for the greater part of 2008. It seems that as far as my wife was concerned, we were just "friends with benefits". It appears that she had asked me what I wanted out of our relationship and I replied in a way that made her think that I just wanted to be friends.

I have to admit that I was infact looking for ways out of the marriage. Anyway, we went about handling things quite differently. I believe that from about March of 2008 that my wife actively began seeking dates and interactions with other men. For her the marriage was over.

For me, I was content with meeting her once a week and talking some on the phone, even though it was getting harder and harder to maintain even that level of contact. I had thought about pursuing other woman, but I didn't really want to go through all the BS of getting to know somebody else on an intimate level. I really wasn't ready for that. And of course, I had my porn.

So to make a long story short... the thing I am still somewhat upset about was that my wife made no indication to me that she was seeking out other men, even though she was still having sex with me. (She admitted to "using me" this summer.) What bothers me the most is that a person doesn't have the fortitude to come out and just end things. I'm not really wired that way.

I did cheat on my first wife after 15 years of marriage... but I moved out of our house (for good) within about 2 weeks after the affair started. I actually went out with this other woman for about 3 years until finally I got sick of her.

So I'm no angel, and I really got a taste of my own medicine. I know I shouldn't feel too injured or victimized.... it's just a matter of sorting things out and putting things into perspective.

As far as my current wife... after 8 months of dating and finally getting serious with someone, when she found out that I did actually want her, she took me back in a heartbeat and got rid of the guy she was sleeping with.

It was only an affair in the sense that we were still lawfully married, just not practicing a married life. I couldn't say that I really wanted her until I realized the finality of the situation. I was finally going to lose her for good.

It was more than I could bear, something I never felt before in my 44 year lifetime.

My wife just wants to look forward now... which is really ok with me... I'm just trying to figure out where I was last summer.

I know that I'm replying to my own post, but I want to apologize to all of the betrayed spouses on this board who were truly blind sided by their spouse's affair... and who are now struggling to put their marriage back together again.

I'm not worthy of how easily things fell back into place for me. I am deeply humbled. My heart aches for all of you who are truly innocent.

It sounds like you have never been in love. Not sure if I am jealous or saddened...

yeah, I think they call my type "neanderthal"

Hi Roy,

I said before that it seemed to me that your lifestyle - living apart from each other - was extremely risky for your marriage. Living apart and only seeing each other once a week... leading seperate lives... really makes it difficult to have any kind of commitment to the marriage. And, judging by what you have written, it sounds like you weren't really any more committed to the marriage than your wife was.

Until you had your wake-up call.

The best I can say now is to move forward. Don't dwell on the past. Take your lessons from the past - one of which is that a marriage like you had was really no marriage at all - and learn from it. Don't allow the marriage to get that way again. But other than that, I don't see anything to gain from dwelling on her affair.

I think you both have to forgive each other for the condition of your old marriage. You need to forgive her for looking for someone else... and she needs to forgive you the lack of care that you showed. The "in-love feelings" you have right now can help you with this - in my marriage, the in-love feelings helped my wife and I bond together again by easing the hurts from the past - her resentments toward me for the past 9 years and my hurts from discovering her divorce plans and near-EA with ex-bf. Take advantage of this honeymoon period to build new habits and new dynamics into your marriage.

You've really been given a great gift. Like any gift, no, you don't deserve it. I didn't deserve my wife opening her heart back up to me so quickly either. Accept that gift with a grateful heart and work hard to be deserving of it in the future.

All the best!

Again, thanks for the words... I'm just having a bad day.

About deserving it... gifts aren't given because you deserve it. They are given as an expression of love.

Your wife loves you. She demonstrated that by returning to the marriage as quickly as she has. When she was seeing that other man, she probably believed you were indifferent and would never really be a husband to her. When you demonstrated to her that you do love her, and that you do want to be a proper husband... she chose you over the other man right away.

I know it hurts to think of her with someone else. But when you do, remember she chose a real marriage with you, and from the speed of it, I don't think it was a difficult choice for her at all.

You didn't deserve that... but she gave it to you anyway... so cherish that gift. There is something in you that is worthwhile, and she sees it.

And don't forget, too... you've exceeded her expectations. She may well have felt unlovable, too. She may have felt unworthy of your love... since you chose to live apart. And when she admitted to you she was seeing someone, she may have expected you to kick her to the curb. Instead... you've shown her how valuable she is to you... and you've shown her how much you love her.

You've given her a gift, too.