Hi everyone, I am sadsosad. Not a great place to meet but I guess I am happy to be here. Sorry this is so long.

Deep breath, here goes.

Married to the most wonderful man I had ever known (don't we all). Had I known his family I would have run the other way as fast as possible.

The honeymoon was a trip to see his old friend, they stayed in the room with us. Surprise! Everything went downhill from there. Husband was a selfish, entitled [censored] from the “I do” on. Totally out of character from the man I loved. Turned out his father, whom he still needed approval from, gave him a list of archaic ways to keep the little lady in line.....

I made it through the first year and was ready to leave when I ended up pregnant. Then another a year later I got pregnant again and with that one and got a whopping case of antibiotic resistant gonorrhea at the same time. Hooker, he was sure he would never have oral sex again (?)! We were in the middle of therapy already when this happened. I could not leave, his family was very powerful and I was threatened with the loss of my children and had seen it happen to one of the cousins already.

Make it through to the last child a senior in high school. No more fooling around but constantly flirting to the point of constant rumors coming back to me. It was hard but he “could not be expected to change the way he related to co workers” because I was childish. I was getting ready to leave after the youngest left.

He retired the senior year of my youngest with the promise that we would build our dream house out on my farm and we would start a new life, be happy and it would be wonderful. He promised. 2 weeks later my brother moved in to die.

Fast forward to now, 6 years later. It turns out that while my brother was dying over the next month and I was living at the hospital with him my husband who was looking forward to our new life decided I was not going to do it if I had the gall to stay with my brother while he died. He spent that “alone” time putting his name on the Internet for locals looking for sex. He found one and was busy doing her before my brother was cold.

I have been increasingly left to fend for myself, alone most of the time as my husband drew so far away that I was lucky to get 5 minutes a day from him. He was busy with tons of volunteer work but that did not answer it all. I knew, I knew but he was such a good liar that it was not until I found a paper that he was busted. When I called him to come home he answered from her bed.

This was 3 months ago. Now I know that he had a 6 year relationship with this woman. He spent tons of money on her, ran her errands, moved her to a trailer park half way between our old house and the new one where I was staying to finish up the building. I was only 15 minutes away but he could not be bothered so he moved her there and ended up having sleep overs in my old home in my bed......you all know the rest. He loved her, he took care of her and ignored me entirely.

He says it is over and has not seen or talked to her. I get the phone records but I know that can be worked around. He suggested a GPS tracker so we got one but I know that can be worked around. She has called and called and written emails. She knows me because she came to our open house and my sweet husband had so little respect for me that he introduced her to me. He also brought her over to our house as soon as I was away to have sex with her in the new house that I spent 20 years of my life working on. The story is probably much the same as any others. We have a social worker who is guiding us fairly well. I am not satisfied that I am going to get what I need though. I have been in the emergency room recently twice for breaking down and shooting my blood pressure way up. I am having such a difficult sad and angry time. He seems to have broken down and be changing but he has no credibility. I should stop. Thanks for any help you have to offer. I will keep reading here and trying to learn. He does admit that there was nothing I could have done to stop this, I did nothing wrong the entire marriage but try to make it work even when he tried not to get it to work.

Interesting thing this morning...

My husband has been realizing many things about how he expected our marriage to work. Although I am still devastated about all of this and trying desperately to make something of the ashes I have had moments of encouragement as he has realized that he has not been a husband in any sense other than fathering our children and supporting us (a good thing even if it was emotionally empty).

Imagine my surprise when this morning he mentions making a deposit in our love bank. Last night he told me he did not know what to do to even begin to make up for the last 26 years, especially the last 6 years. I told him to try looking on the internet and he found this site just like I did.

He is now ordering the MP3's and printing out questionaires and talking about going to a weekend.

There is now hope if I can get over what he has done the last 6 years. It is a pretty gigantic hole I have to climb out of but if this works perhaps the next 26 years can be something to rejoice in.

Keep reading here. Make sure this is no trap.

Keep sure that his distance needs is checked all the time. You know the story, watch his logger. Check computer logging on his PC.
Check mileage reports. Check tape recorders.

Lastly, go to a polygraph. Never tell him about this site.

Good luck.

He found the site by himself. I have to be clever about this. Like I read on one of the threads, they never cheat up. Well, he cheated about as far down as one can go and then fell in love with her. He seemed not to look back after the first couple of weeks of being without her. He knew there was no future there, one reason he stayed with her. I am trying to check everything I can. So far he has not been sneaking out at night anymore and since he is retired I have pretty close tabs on him all the time. I don't know how to log his computer. I do know she has contacted him under the guise of a man he once knew in college. After a month of just getting to know you stuff she let it out of the bag giving him a chance to keep communicating with her without me being suspicious. He showed it to me and he answered the last time with all the crap someone who "loved that man of mine" would never want to hear. We have sent the sheriff after her for threats and we have good friend who is a powerful attorney who has called her. She is quiet now. I don't like it, it makes me nervous to have it all stop from her at once but he is sticking to me like glue and ordering everything he can from this site including thinking about the weekend workshop. He has had a pretty profound change but then again, he is a narcissist and I do not trust that it will last if it has indeed really happened at all. Thank you. I will continue to read and learn and watch. I am an easy mark, it is hard for me to think any one could do something like this but I guess I am the kind of person who finds themselves in this spot. 6 freaking years and he gave her up immediately after I caught him? Does not compute to me. Thanks.

Get someone here who will help you install a keylogger.

I am definitely NOT a professional.

Look you may need to the Hartly's direct for info. I wonder if this guy is real or temporary.

Hi Imagine. Thanks.

I am guessing I am going to need that help to log his computer. He has twice gone to "meetings" now when he just happened to forget to turn on the GPS. Then this afternoon it just happened to not work. Tonight was a 3 hour meeting and guess what? He simply forgot, isn't that funny? He is either lying again (if he ever stopped) or not taking this as seriously as I thought.

We are almost 4 months out here, well 3 1/2 anyway. I have not done Plan A well because I did not know about it until the A was supposed to be over. I did the NC and he blew that a few times.

He really has made me think he was done with her and all about us for the first time ever and now this. I do not trust this man, he lies too easily and too well. I am not in the mood or the frame of mind to think this was only a mistake.

Any advice from you or anyone else would be appreciated. Should I begin a plan A and do the disclosure and the rest or should I now move to plan B? He is pretty upset right now and worried what is next and he should be. I am not taking this well and will not be happy if we have to start this all over again.

Why not get a second GPS that he does NOT know about and put it in the car?

That will prevent him "forgetting" to turn it on.


Stay Strong!

What a great idea! I am in such a fog that I would never have thought of that! I am beginning to come out of it a bit though, I keep reading and have realized this is war. It is no time to do what I consider the polite or "nice" thing (I hate the idea of spying). I really think he is done with her but then why would I trust him or myself really at this point. The complete stop of her constant harassment has me nervous. Thank you.

I am so glad you are all here and willing to share, especially when one is not thinking clearly yet.

sss, additionally, I would download spectorpro keylogger at spectorsoft.com and put it on his computer.

Can you get to the next Marriage Builders weekend? Dr Harley can get you on the right path and afterwards you would have daily access to him. I think that is your best hope if you want to save this mess.

sss, here is your fastest horse:

The Marriage Builders® Weekend
Minneapolis, Minnesota
January 23rd & 24th, 2009
at the Embassy Suites Minneapolis - Airport.
Free shuttle service to the Minneapolis - St. Paul International Airport and the Mall of America (520 stores and several indoor rollercoasters!) http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_0901.html

That will give you a crash course in MB and you will get daily access to Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist, afterwards. He teaches the course and his staff walks you through all the lessons after you get home.

sss...im a little confused. You mentioned in your first post that he is retired, and then you mention all these "meetings" he has.

Thanks Melody. I responded to you in the other thread. I really appreciate all of the help.

Board and volunteer meetings. That kind of stuff. He is an executive director of one of them and quite busy with it. He is now in the process of getting out of a lot of them so we can work on our M.

SOS,

Be very very careful. The GPS thing is not the right type of equipment. You want a gps logger. Its a black box that goes under the car and can be tracked via internet connection anytime you want to see where the car is just log on. presto. Trust verified. Please get this. If you aren't sure how just call the local automobile car audio shops and take his car there when he is gone for a day.

26 years of your stuff will not be undone with him saying he forgot. He cannot afford any slip ups. NONE! If he is sincere he would not forget one single effort to be trustworthy. It isn't just a need of yours. It is a requirement 100% to be absolutely trustworthy no matter if he has to interrupt his meetings to call you every 5 minutes!

Insist, demand!