Hi WOF. I hope you are feeling better!

Thank you for your love and support. I really appreciate it.

Yes, it did scare him last time he hit me but it was before Christmas and during my messed up plan B and he blamed it 100% on me. It was different this time because there was really no provocation and his reaction surprised him. He hit rock bottom for the first time and having his children there made him realise that he was behaving badly. He realised that it should never matter what is done or said by anyone, it is his reaction to it that is the problem.

He spoke to me after he rang the mens referral line yesterday and he said that he felt like he had sugar coated things to make it sound better than the truth and he felt the advice he was getting was not correct for him. He was waiting for them to call him back and he asked me what to do. I told him to be completely honest and that the only way he would receive the help he wants and needs is to be 100% honest and not care what others think.

He told me last night that on the next call he was completely honest the next time about his anger and his reaction to me and previous girlfriends which he has never even admitted to me before. They pointed him in the group direction and he really got what they said to him. He felt like the solution fitted the problem.

He knows that he has a long journey of his own before he could consider being my husband in the true sense of the word and that he is not sure I will still be up for it when he finally gets there, but this is too important to him to drop. He said it was a horrible way to get here for help, but he's glad he wants to do something about it for himself now. He finally realises the problem is within him, not because of something I did, didn't do etc.

Really, thanks WOF. Thank you for understanding and supporting me all this time. You have been an honest friend to me and helped me gain the clarity about my marriage that I didn't even know to look for. I am a better and stronger person now and I owe so much of that to you and to other posters on this board who went beyond saving my marriage and pointed out the bigger picture of saving myself.

I'm back to my counsellor today so hopefully we can talk through some more events etc.

As part of WH's therapy they call me to make sure I am ok and I get free sessions with them on how to deal with an angry/abusive spouse too. WH told me he gave them my number when they asked if they could check on me. He will have about 6-8 weeks of group sessions hopefully starting next week if they can find him a place. He is waitlisted so I encourage everyone to pray for him to get the spot now when he is actively seeking support for himself.

This is the closest I have become to "saving" my family. Even if our marriage is not saved, my children will have a chance at a more complete daddy and I will have a chance at a fulfilling relationship with WH, as his wife or as the co-parent / father of my children.

I'm still here, but I haven't seen you posting.

I'm kind of in the middle regarding your situation. While I think it was you who sabotaged your Plan B by not holding to it, not being willing to call the police on him like he needed for a wakeup call, I also recognize what it's like to live in an abusive situation. It saps your willpower, your belief in yourself, and makes you doubt everything you think - because that's what HE has been doing to you. It makes you afraid to do anything that you know will get a reaction from him. I get it.

So I'm glad you are living apart. I'm glad you're learning that you don't need a man to survive. That's essential. If you ever hope to have him back in your life, you'll have to do it from a huge position of strength. To get that, you will need a good couple of years of personal therapy so that the next time he 'almost' hits you, you hit him with a "how dare you" and "apologize - right now".

For instance, have you asked your H to apologize to your children for 'almost' hitting you in front of them? Every expert says that abuse of a parent is abuse of a child. They will not recover unless they see their father willing to repent - to them.

Given your background, I think you're probably doing the best you can. Now, if he was still in your home, I'd be beating you up with a hundred 2x4s to get him out. Please do me a favor, though. Find a different way for him to be spending time with the kids. I really don't think your situation is healthy or beneficial for any of you.

Hi 2M2L

I have been following your story and I am also in Melbourne.

If you decide to go back into Plan B (which is the best option for your WH to cease abusing you) I offer my services as an independant IM.

If you look at my previous posts I am a HR Director for a lrage national company and I have also had to deal with infidelity in my own marriage.

My WH was also emotionally abusive during it all but not on the level of yours. The day I handed him the plan b letter was the day he realised he was up [censored] creek without a paddle and who was going to support his unemployed a$$ and his little internet dating habit?????? Once the money dried up he came to his senses. Recovery is not easy and it has been tough especially for me as he chooses not to talk about it but my whole outlook on life has changed and I know I will survive with or without him and he knows that too - YOUR WH NEEDS TO GET THIS TOO!!!!!!

Contact the mods and I am happy for them to pass on my email address to you if you want to contact me.

Thanks LP!

I read through your HR posts but only after the saga had reached the closure point. Great result by the way!

I am not sure which path to go with WH at the moment (ever) but would love to know someone in "real" life, not just "virtual" who understands what it feels like as a BS. Your offer as a Melbourne IM is great too, thank you. The location of my last IM (NSW) was one of WH's main issues when I attempted plan B.

Please feel free to contact me on 2much2lose@hush.com

I am a sales account manager and spend a lot of time on the road so perhaps we can catch up for coffee one day? I promise I am not crazy. If you've read my posts you will see that I save my craziness for dealing with my WH. In life I am completely confident and controlled. It's funny how that happens!

Anyway, I really look forward to hearing from you.

Hi Catperson!

I haven't gone down the apology route with WH and the kids. He immediately apologised to them on the spot and scathingly to me. He was not sincere with his apology at the time to me, but 100% for the kids. Does that count? The difficulty with an almost 4 year old and almost 2 year old is that I don't want to rehash things that they've forgotten and have them relive the pain. My DD is very vocal and speaks her truth and asks questions when things arise or when she remembers them. Is it wrong to let it lie? WH has told them repeatedly that he loves mummy very much and loves them very much and doesn't want to hurt us...

I did see my counsellor yesterdy and she is brilliant. Peanut, if you need a good one in Melbourne I can give you the info. She is great and is elated that WH has taken my referral to get help and followed through with the call etc. She reminds me where we are in the process, but has had many clients never even get to that point and those that do have massive changes.

She has given me some excellent advice on what to do when I feel attacked, belittled, afraid, disempowered etc

1. Know thyself. Identify the sensation I feel which is the precursor to feeling out of control, leaving me disempowered etc. How do I feel like reacting? What are my triggers? ie. if getting an abusive text message from WH triggers a reaction from me, establish boundaries. Turn off the phone after WH contacts kids to say good night. Turn it on during business hours only. Don't reply to messaging. Have strict downtime to prevent access. Don't allow WH to have access to my social calendar and allow his control over me to continue.

Then, stretch out the nano-second when I feel like reacting.

2. STOP

Don't do anything. Don't react, don't panic, don't jump to conclusions...

3. BREATHE

Excuse myself from the phone call, meeting, situation, walk away, pull out of the traffic, ignore the phone etc. Find a quitet space. Sit, feet flat on floor. Breathe slowly and deeply. Get centered.

4. CHOOSE

Realise that there are infinite choices right now. Not one. You don't have to do what you've always done. There is no need to do anything right now. Walk away, ignore the phone, find a distraction, have a break and get a coffee, take the kids to the park, go shopping, go for a walk, engage in positive self talk/mantra.

Have mindful moments often. Be in the moment in the moment.

When you are at the park with the kids, be at the park with the kids. Feel safe, secure, content, happy. Don't be in the "tension" when it is actually not present.

--------------------------

Anyway, I loved it. We did the whiteboard session in 20 minutes instead of her usual 1 hour, but I got it. Since the forum I have been concious of my triggers and my choices and I know I choose my reaction now. I have had showers or not called or not gone back for the last word to break the cycle.

Instead of a rubber band on my wrist, I drew an infinity symbol. Its a figure 8 on its side so it looks cute and means the world to me now. I will make one in beads as a bracelet so it looks less like a tatoo and more trendy.

It will remind me to Stop, Breathe and Choose.

So, Catperson, I haven't got a new plan yet for the kids and WH, but I am in the early days of change still. You were spot on when you said it is so hard to break patterns. Reclaiming myself has been the hardest challenge. I didn't even know I had lost myself when God lead me to MB.

He is still waitlisted for the group sessions so I pray that will happen soon. DD told him last night on the phone she wants him to come home. He said that he wanted to too. He also told her was going to pick up his Christmas presents from his mum - a photo album of all of us and a neck chain with the kids names on it.

Gaslighting, maybe, but he didn't know I was listening. He doesn't say those things about coming home to me.

Anyway, tonight is visit night and we are having a bbq. I cook t-bones because I love what I make. I love steak. It's not a special effort for him. It's just convenient when he's there because the kids only want sausages!

Wow. I sure had a lot to say today.

Hi 2M2L

I have sent you an email

I spoke with Little Peanut last Thursday and it was surreal to speak with someone who knows me from the inside out. I had nothing to hide and hid nothing. She was great and I really look forward to catching up for a coffee soon. The bushfires have certainly changed the picture around here and time has been difficult to find.

I sat in the bushfire call centre at work today for 5 hours and was touched by people's generosity in the worst of times. I also spoke with people who lost everything and spoke with people who were missing their loved ones. It has been the hardest day and one of the most rewarding too.

Tonight WH visited with the kids. I have put a visitation schedule in place for Wednesday night dinner with kids and Saturday afternoon through to a sleepover. I asked for his committment so that I could plan to be elsewhere when he's with the kids at the house.

So, tonight didn't work out. I had a real estate agent come to value the house. I don't know if we should sell or refinance but refinancing would be the better option but to afford it I will need WH on the home loan. I know, let me have it...I figure it will be divided anyway in a divorce settlement so what would I lose. I could protect the redraw function and be the only one with the password but I'm not sure if I'm thinking of everything.

The agent was late so I was late organising the kids. I started to have tea with him and commented that I would record the dating show and watch it later and who knows, maybe I could be a contestant next year. He got up, put his dinner in the kitchen and left.

No harsh words, nothing. I got a phone call from my mum 10 mins later asking if WH had been here. I said yes and she said he'd sent them a message saying that he was in tears and shaking. He just wanted to see the kids and have a nice night with me and I mentioned dating and he didn't understand and thinks I have a serious problem.

I paraphrased, but I'm sure you get it. I haven't heard from him since but I am sure I will before the night is through. I promise not to contact him. I was pretty, sweet, softly spoken and did not beg him to stay. I said a stupid comment but it was a joke.

Life has been ok the last week. He saw the kids on Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. No sleepovers, all amicable. He asked me something over the weekend about OW and I said it didn't matter as we were not working on our M, but if we were I didn't want her in the picture, same as before. He backed up and got mad and said I hadn't changed in the last 5 months and he couldn't believe it. He also said that he wanted to be married to him but he wanted it his way. I used a line I read on here and softly said that I didn't need to be married that badly. He backed up his comment to make amends, but too late bucko.

I never pressed him or argued. I've been aloof about everything and moving on. On Sunday night he asked me to come to his gig. I did. I dressed up and swanned around and spoke with the members of the band I have not seen since August last year. They know OW and I exposed to some. All of them said I looked amazing and was so special and deserved happiness etc and that think he would be stupid to leave me and that I had an inner beauty that he would never be able leave. They all thought we were working on the M. Interesting spin from WH. Now he can't use them against me and tell me they all hate me because of who I really am after showing my true colours - exposure. That was my motivation for accepting.

So, he's been pleasant but had a rehearsal with OW last night with new band. They have gigs on Fri and Sun night. He sent me 2 messages about the car last night and I responded mostly about the bushfires and said to call me to discuss it. He didn't. At 7:30am, he called and asked me. We chatted and convo got around to OW and rehearsal. I didn't want to talk about her but avoidance proved the catalyst for him to ask me. Apparently all was ok and they were professional but not friendly. He told me it was good because we could just talk about her/band now. I said it was good because we are not working on marriage so whatever relationship he wants with her is his choice.

He said he was not taking her to the gigs, she's going with the others and he told them they will not go together etc. I said the proof is in actions, he said this was action, I said this was words. I don't need proof because we are not working on the M.

At 2pm he called me and said he had a question and wanted yes or no as the answer, not an argument. He asked me if I wanted him to stop his friendship/association with OW completely. I said in what capacity, general or if he wanted to work on the M? He said doesn't matter, so I said yes.

DD had an accident at school today so we chatted more than usual. At 4:30pm I picked up DD and called WH to tell him about her face and the fat lip, cut and bruise. After the parent chat he asked me if I was in a good mood. I said yes. He then asked if I would be staying around tonight when he visited, I said I had arranged coffee with a friend. He told me he wanted to chat with me.

Then, well, you know what happened tonight.

So, no expectations, no worries. I didn't worry when he left, didn't worry when mum called and am not worried now. This is the way it is. If he's scared of losing me, good. If he's questionning his relationship with OW, good. If he wants to change, great.

The bushfires have me looking at life so differently and I truly live life in the moment and I don't feel at a loss about not always getting it right. I know I didn't do anything wrong. This is not my doing. I fought long and hard for this marriage and I have learnt so much along the way and I value who I am as a wife and mother. I don't need to worry about that. I only worry now about being the best I can be.

I'm still finding a team for netball and that should start soon and I'm focussing on quality time and regaining my life and living it without WH. I am enough.

Wow - here comes more...

I was thinking about my post and I have omitted something kind of important.

You see, after the gig which I plan A'd the crap out of, I left. He pursued me with a kiss and I said thanks for inviting me, turned and left.

I got home at 12:45am and chatted to mum on the couch for 20 minutes. WH called my phone so I ignored it. 2 mins later, the doorbell rang. You guessed it, WH.

He mumbled something about needing his tools for the car which he was dropping off in the morning. Mum gave him a kiss and left. He fussed around in the garage and I was in the house. It was 1:30am when he looked like leaving. However, he said should I stay and I said sure. He would have had to travel 1 hour 15 mins to get home and it was already so late so he came in.

I went to the bathroom and he was getting into bed, my bed. He asked me if it was ok. I said sure, whatever.

I jumped in, turned away from him and said goodnight. He kept chatting and it lead to SF. He was timidly asking for it and I said that it's not cheating if you have sex with your husband. God actually approves of that. I said that I haven't had sex like that in a long time. He said he hopes not because most guys would keep going and not tire out. (He's now more overweight and unfit than he's been in years). Anyway, point being we did and it was wild!

I went to sleep, no cuddles or affection, so I'm sure he was surprised.

Got up in morning, got kids ready for school and left him when he was getting in the shower. I yelled out seeya and that was it.

Half way through Monday morning he called me and said that he shouldn't have had SF with me because he's confused and I don't know where his head is at and it's not fair to me and it doesn't mean he's coming back and he doesn't want to give me the wrong impression etc. I said sure, it was just sex and I'm fine with that.

That's all I forgot, I think. But I'll pop back if I remember anything else. Do I feel bad about having SF? Not really. I enjoyed having sex with my husband. I would love to be emotionally connected during SF but I am not having sex with anyone else so this is the best I've got. I really cannot cheat on him and will not. Married until I'm not, for better or worse.

WOW. Wow. I'm a newbie here, and stumbled on your thread. WOW.... can I say that again?

I admire where you've come from. It's a journey I started, and will continue on.

You are doing great!

It's the 'not working on marriage' that is killing him. Waywards always think the BS will just kick in and wait for them to come back. I truly think it's not until it's obvious that you won't they they will consider what they're doing.

I tell you, the very best success stories I have seen here are the ones where the BS takes quick, severe action as soon as they find out. Not necessary kicking the WS out, or filing for divorce, more like 'Here's your stuff and give me the key or I'm calling the cops. Let me know when you're ready to give up anything to do with OW.'

Keep it up!

I am grinning from ear to ear. Thanks Catperson! I still have moments of self doubt where I think that appeasement will just settle it all down, but I know that my life is worth so much more. The renewed independence actually feels good. I enjoy time with WH (when he's not a complete a$$) but I don't miss him so much when he's not around. I mostly run around without needing him at all and it feels so liberating.

Oh, and I was wrong - it's almost 9am and I have not heard from him yet. So, I'm relaxing and enjoying the space and about to get into work for another day.

No new bushfire threats downunder today and we are having a cool snap which is helping control the active fires. Thank God!

Hi Jen, are you posting?

Not much, still trying to get a lay of the land around town here. Lurking more so....

I had some awesome advice from the vets when I first got the courage to post. Basically, you will never find a story that exactly fits yours and all the research in the world will not give you the answers you need for your situation.

Posting is fabulous for you to vent and gain clarity and read back and reflect on the journey. You also have the added bonus of meeting new friends who have your best interests at heart and who are wonderful warm people who guide and support you.

And give you a few 2x4's if you need them...

HELP PLEASE!

He just called and stated that he needed help completing the online divorce application.

I said ok.

He said he needs my help, pdf wont print properly.

I told him to call the courts and gave him to 1300 phone number.

He said he needs my help.

I said no, I emailed him info last month.

He told me I will have to fill out my part anyway.

I said to send it to me.

He hung up.

I called him back with a different website but he wouldn't hear of it so I said ok, he hung up.

I completed the enquiry button with his email address so that they contact him.

What is this game now?

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to divorce but I don't want to beg either. So far I have kept cool but I don't know what to do here.

Ideas please....

Ok, so far no responses so I've got this far on my own...

I will do nothing.

I will not respond to his threats or demands.

I am sure he will think of some other way to get my attention.

Absolutely! He is trying a new way to bully/threaten you. "See I'm going through with the divorce (even though I can't really do the paperwork and I want you to help me. Actually, I want you to do it for me)."

He is trying to get you to cave and go back to the way things were before. "You aren't bending to my old ways to control you, so I am going to do the thing that I think you fear the most. I am going to PROVE to you that I WILL divorce you (except I can't figure out how to do the papers so I want you to do it)."




This is exactly what you have to do if you don't want a divorce,

He's a big boy. If he really wants this, you can't stop him. But if all he wants is you to go back to the way he had things before, then he will keep coming up with lame excuses to have you help him end your marriage.

This was fantastic JT. Thank you for your helpful insight. I am so pleased that I finally get it. I didn't react and question my role in this behaviour and what I could do to fix it. Yay!


He did seem rather annoyed that I would not help him. I certainly do not want to enable him to say it was me that filled out the papers therefore he didn't want the divorce etc.

I don't think he likes the responsibility of the choice he thinks he wants to make.

Sigh. I keep holding out that he will start his counselling soon, but his committment to that is resolved because he made the call. He tried...

Go to your mirror, and stand there are practice some responses to his continuing crap.

Ok, honey, whatever you say.

Wow, that is rich! You really are asking me to help you get divorced! (as you shake your head and walk away laughing)

you get the idea...