I have been lurking on here for about a year and taking everything in. I have read the books, read the site and done my best to save my marriage nad now finally I post cause I have reached the cross road........

A little on my sitch..... Firstly married for 5 years in two weeks together for about 8. No children at this point.

Jan 2007 WH meets girl on line starts an EA which only lasts about 4 days as I caught him out immediately. I got all the usual babble - "I dont know what I want" "I Love you but Im not in love with you" etc etc so I moved out and within a couple of days he wanted me home again and had ended the affair.

At this point I had no idea of MB concepts but off my own back I exposed to everyone and anyone. WH was at this point having a crisis of his own in regards to what he wants out of his own life/career prospects and decides he can get over all of this if he has a stable job he likes and decides to join the police force. I tell him how great I think that is and I will support him in every way I can to help him get through this rough patch and see him with a little stability.

March 2007 we start the application process with the police and he is really happy marriage and relationship taken a turn for the better then in early May 2007 his application is denied due to medical reasons and we begin the battle in regards to equal opportunity employment to get the decision reversed. During this I see a side of him I have never seem before he is demanding and sulky all at once. Sees his disease (Crohns) as the bain of his life and he will never be anything etc etc. I try to be supportive but of course I LB cause I am starting to feel like he needs to fight this and stop sulking so I throw myself head first into doing everything in my power to get this decision reversed.

End of May 2007 he comes to me and says he wants children. I think that is great and we go off to the dr and I go off the pill and mean while the application is being reassessed for the police force.

July 2007 we get notified that they are upholding the decision and he will not be accepted to the police force on medical grounds so I seek legal representation and we begin the process of sueing them for descrimination.

End of July 2007 he wants to show me something on his page on the internet. Some girl he doesnt even know (this is a definite at this point) has left him a disgusting msg outlining what she would like to do to him and it was very explicit. I tell him she has issues and to not speak with her and that I would be annoyed if he began speaking with her.

August 2007 they begin chatting at this point I have no idea and of course it becomes an EA (she is in another state and thousands of miles away).

End of August 2007 I start to get suspicious. The usual tell tale signs (now I realise it) phone never leaves his side and is on silent all the time, secretive on the computer, etc etc you know the drill.

September 2007 I start to get really suss as he is disappearing all the time and then I catch him in our backyard on the phone with her well I just lose it....... BAD BAD I KNOW but in hindsight at this point I had no idea how to handle the sitch. He gives me the we are just friends crap I am over reacting BLAH BLAH BLAH. So I tell him it stops right this minute and any girl that sends that sort of stuff to a guy she doesnt know is disrespectful and has issues. She also was well aware at this point that he was married too which made me even angrier.

End of September 2007 Changes his mind out of the blue about having kids. Says he wants a more stable career first I have a panic attack cause I have gone off the pill but thankfully I was not pregnant. This gets me wondering WHAT THE you were the one that suggested it???

October 2007 things seem to settle a little and now I realise he had just gone deeper so it would be harder for me to catch him and he was going out of his way to make it difficult for me to catch on.

End of October 2007 completely by chance he neglects to log out of his hotmail account and I hop on the computer to use mine open up hotmail and it takes me directly to his well there it is plain as day all the evidence I need. The 2 of them acting like sex deprived rabbits back and forward, the naked pictures she has sent, the naked pictures of other women she has sent him, etc etc its making me sick just reliving it. Well I confront immediately and he threatens to leave me BLAH BLAH BLAH I breakdown at this point cause I am so emotionally and physically spent after spending all this time thinking I am not good enough and there is something wrong with me that I did the biggest NO NO and begged him not to leave. He tells me it was all just words and I am crazy for seeing it as anything else and it is just a joke and he wouldnt care if she met someone tomorrow and I needed to get over it. At this point I have a realisation he is due to go to the state she lives in for a sporting event in 2 weeks and I try to get him to cancel the trip and I tell him I dont want him going there cause I cant trust him etc etc He again tells me to get over it as she doesnt know he is coming and he wouldnt meet a complete stranger off the internet..... STUPID ME I BELIEVE THIS CRAP!!!!!!

November 2007 he goes off to her state keeps in contact with me the whole time like I requested but then he gets home and it was like I could smell the deceit all over him. From the instant he got of the plane there was a whole new attitude/arrogance I had never experienced before and it made sick to the stomach. AT THIS POINT I HAVE NOT EXPOSED THE 2nd EA..... I was so embarressed that he had done it again I just couldnt bring myself to do it. Upon the return he also loses his job, which puts all the financial burden upon me which makes me even more stressed out.

End of November 2007 I get his mobile phone bill as I have directed it to myself without his knowledge and I was physically sick all over it when it arrived. There were videos going back and forward since his trip and 600 text messages had been exchanged in a 3 week window. I arrived home, gave him the bill and packed my things and left. Now I realise bad move cause I gave him free reign to contact her.

At this point he is lying to everyone telling them I had issues and I left him so I get on the phone and call everyone in his family and all our friends and out his little online affair. I tried to get info on her at this point but I wasnt sneaky enough and I know I was scared as well. His family are very religious and they begin to shun him not in a way that says you have to stop what you are doing they just chose not to speak with him which in a way made it worse.

My sister in law then gives me HNHN and I find this website and realise everything I have been doing wrong and go into a super plan A. He is going back and forward, he agress to MC and the counsellor I chose is pro marriage and follows the Harley plan. I have individual sessions with her also and she helps me execute the plan and the progress is amazing then in Feb out of the blue I get a text 'I am not coming to counselling I am done with you I want a divorce'. This is the first time I heard the D word and I was devestated so I go straight to the counsellor and she gets on the phone to him and makes him come to a session to work out the logistics in relation to a perm separation but assures me this isnt the end and plan B is the next step and things can and do change when he realises what the world is like without me. He sent me this text from my SIL house and she had been a great support to me through all of this so she was the first person I called but I was unaware he was there and she didnt know he had sent the msg. He was still there when I called and she tore strips off of him and was the only person taht fronted him about OW and he explained it was complicated well that got her angrier she explained that OW would never be welcome in their house nor around their children and that he had no job, no money and now no support so to go and enjoy his life.

He comes to a session the following day and he is a total pig towards me I guessed he is still angry at the outburst he coped from SIL as well. MC had advised that I write a plan B letter I got to the session early and went through it made changes and then gave it to him when he arrived. It also outlined what I would take responsibility for financially and left him with the rest.

That night he sent me a text telling me he was moving interstate (I wonder where to) and that he was going to have our horse destroyed and burn all of our property..... I replied that I didnt care anymore and he could do whatever he liked.

After a couple of days of no contact with each other he surfaces again and tells me OW is 5 wks pregnant (not his time line doesnt match up) and I respond with 'it isnt nice to be lied to is it' and he looks at me perplexed. He says he wants to sort things out but I am very reluctant to move back home. then out of the blue he gets offered a very good job in another state (not OWs) and we decide to have a fresh start together. I remain at our home for 6 weeks tying things up and he goes over to the new job. He is very angry right before he leaves so I try to ignore it as I know there is trouble in affairland and I try to be the best person I can be. The day he leaves I hack into his email and find out that they met in Nov and were intimate, I also get her name and work address. I call her work and expose there and find she has given him a different surname and she is actually married herself. I also discover the day before he told me he wanted a divorce he told her he was going to move over there and then the next day she is suddenly pregnant.... oh so very convenient.

I save all of this information and do nothing with it. We get him a new phone and I also tell him we are never having a computer in the house ever again and he agress somewhat reluctantly to these conditions and we move interstate.

There is NC between them and I now have her home address and OWH name and contact details and if she crawls back out of the swamp I am going to expose to him (thankyou PI). The only reason I didnt before is because it wasnt until long after it was all over that I got this info and she is probably taken up with someone else on the net by now anyway.

My problem is this not once since it ended with her has he apologised. He has shown no remorse and as far as he is concerned it is NOT a topic for conversation. I am completely paranoid now of every female he comes in contact with and part of me hates him with a passion for what I endured. I am meeting all his ENs - taking an interest in his job, going out of my comfort zone with SF, spending more time doing the things he loves to do, not being negative about anything etc etc but I just dont feel a connection with him anymore as the resentment and hurt are just too overwhelming.

I feel like I have made so much effort to put our marriage back together and in a way he gets off scott free. I have never been religious up until this experience and the only good thing that has come out of this is my new found faith in the lord.

I also really want to have children but I cant bring myself to go there with him cause I dont trust that they will have two loving and committed parents.

I am so confused. Part of me wants to keep going and another part of me is so defeated that I just want to pack up my things take my jack russell and never see or hear from again.

My feelings could also be because this time last year was so awful for me and I feel like I am living D-Day all over again.

Any advice or insight would help me more than you can understand. I just want to know if these feelings are normal and if I should keep fighting for my marriage. Dont get me wrong he is making an effort but I feel in my heart I need for him to say sorry and until he does this I will never be able to let go of the past and forgive him.

Sorry this is so long.

You'll get plenty of responses soon enough, but you must absolutely expose to the OW's husband. Wouldn't you have liked the same courtesy?

What ever you do, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN until your M is rock solid.

I know I should expose to OWH but I am so over all of it I just dont have the strength or the inclination to go there. And to be completely honest I dont want her to surface again and if I expose to him then here we go all over again I just cant deal with it. I dont believe I am enabling their affair because there isnt one and hasnt been one for 11 months.

I have an anon letter written do you think this would do the trick then I dont have to worry about dealing with her contacting him again.

The whole anniversary of D-day has been hard enough without knowing she has contacted him again and there is no doubt in my mind that she is stupid enough to contact him once I have exposed.

I know this may sound ridiculous and I have always been so strong up until all of this and now I am just beaten by it all. I have tried ADs and they just made me physically sick.

Perhaps I am over complicating the issue I just dont know anything about anything anymore

I bet you do have the strength to expose. One of the purposes of exposure is give the OP's BS the knowledge to watch his/her own spouse to ensure contact doesn't start up again. Its 2 sets of eyes on the WSes, rather than just one. This man has a right to know about the truth of his life, and no one is going to tell him, except maybe you.


An anon letter will likely have very little effect. If its vague enough to keep your identity anonymous, it will likely be unsubstantiated and can be easily dismissed. Ideally, your exposure should be irrefutable so the OWH does not get gaslighted. Also, unless this WW is very promiscuous, she is going to know who sent it regardless of how anonymous you say it is.

If the e-mail contains copies of the naked pictures the OW sent of herself, it will definitely have the desired effect.

The question here though is this: liittlepeanut77, can you honestly see yourself having a long and fulfilling relationship with your H? With a young M that was apparently troubled from early on, and no children involved, and apparently no indication from your H that he did anything wrong, the best solution might be to walk away rather than get any further invested.

At this point I have no intention of having children with WH.

Today I will expose to OWH via letter with the pics I have of her attached.

I have invested so much into this marriage/relationship that I cant just let go even though there are no children involved.

He is making an effort to repair our marriage it is just as if he feels that he doesnt need to apologise for what has happened. As he is now committed to our marriage it is like I should just forgive and forget.

The anniversary of D-Day has not been fun for me and I have tried my best to keep xmas, new year etc as low key as possible so it didnt get me more worked up.

I have not been to IC for a few months so I have booked a seesion with a new counsellor for a fortnight as the one I was previously seeing is now in another state.

Just for some further info we bothe come from broken homes. My parents split not due to adultery but I am not sure of the logistics of his as his family dont discuss anything. I do know his dad is a womaniser and has kids all over the place and his mum has been married 4 times to different abusive men (not sure if there was adultery related to her marriages ending but I know she left his dad cause he was physically abusive).

This is very difficult for me as I did not want to get married to get a divorce. I always maintained children or not I was not going to go down that road again and I was going to fight for what I believe in.

Any further insights would be greatly appreciated.

Sunk costs are irrelevant to future decisions. You have no kids and not a long marriage. I walked and had kids, a long term marriage, and a lot of assets we had to split up. You have to remove the teather and let him take himself out w/ out dragging you down w/ him.

- Just my thoughts.

DUDE

I read your other post and now I've read this. LP!

Have you exposed to OWH yet? He really does need to know.

yes letter sent yesterday with her pics attached so put the two together and this week has been a real test of character for me.
The letter went anon so hopefully she doesnt contact him that is not an extra stress i need at the moment.
I was going 2 update here but i got side tracked by the work issues.