I was reading the "harrassment" thread this AM. I am reading about justfied anger, chivalry, "marking you territory", man code of honor and all this male instinct stuff.

OK, that all makes perfect sense to me.

Here is where I have a problem. I was once a WW. I can give you as much info as needed on how I came to make that devastating choice. I have more recently been a BW. So I know the instincts that a BW has and I have read about the instincts that a BH has.

My BH did not act in any of the familiar ways.

1. BH have OM a job where they were spending 8+ hours a day in a vehicle or jobsite together.

2. BH played chess and would discuss politics with OM over the dinner I had prepared for everyone after their day at work.

3. On one occasion, I was at BH's house with the kids while OM and BH worked late. Upon returning late at night, BH sent OM to the den to sleep THEN woke me from the couch and sent me to the den also.

4. It was revealed to me that BH and OM discussed my bedroom antics one at least one occasion while working together.

I usually just chalk his behavior up to "well, I guess he didn't really care about me after all". But I worry that that may be foggy justfication.

I know what I did and what I became was wrong on so many level, regardless of the state of the marriage or to whom I was married, there was no excuse for becoming a WW. It was against how I was raised, the vows I took, the person G-d wanted me to be and the mother my children deserved.

Maybe I am still digesting my guilt. Having been the BS now, I have more clarity to the pain I caused, UNTIL, I look at his reaction to the situation.

If it makes any difference, he did date and eventually moved a woman in with him during the seperation. I later found a letter that he wrote her talking about how nice it is to FINALLY wake up next to someone you love.

Since New Years, I have been contemplating writing an apology for my part in the eventual destruction on the marriage.

But after reading the "Harrassment" thread, I still have so many questions.

OM and BH worked together and stayed friends even after BH found out about the affair? BH and OM talked about your bedroom antics before of after d-day?

Do you owe BH an apology for the destruction of your M? Yes.

Other than that, I'm not sure what your question is about the "male instinct" discussion.

I haven't read your whole story, but based only on this post I'd say that BH was happy to have OM around to occupy your time so he could attend to his "own" interests.

It just doesn't seem like either of you cared much for the other.

BH never met OM until a few months after I moved out. They became "friends" after all that.

It was kinda like:
WW: "BH, here's the guy I left you for"
BH: "Hmmm, he looks handy, and I've been looking for some help, I'll give him a job".

I did profusely apologize before and during our reconcilation. I even apologized more after the D-day for his affair. At which time he was happy to say that HIS affair was all my fault since he realized he he hadn't forgiven me as he rolled off his OW.

As far as the male instinct thing, the common response seems to be "peeing on your tree", asserting your manhood or simply disgarding your WW. Literally escorting your WW to the OM's bed while under your roof, that just doesn't seem to jive with the typical male reaction.

Sounds like BH didn't have any respect for you and was basically telling OM "Here you can have her." Sorry if that sounds harsh. Was this his mindset pre-A or only after? I dunno.

While BH is responsible for his decision to have his own A I can kind of understand him blaming you. Your A damaged him. Perhaps that is why he was so nonchalant about passing you off to OM and then offering him a job and a beer.

If I didn't have children, there were times when the thought crossed my mind that OW could have my H. They deserved each other. But I didn't ever want skankho around my children.

Jean36,

I've run into this a few times, my SIL had an emotional affair with me when I was under 18 and my brother didn't care. Other times friends and such have said things like "you and my wife should get together" sometime in front of their wives. I never went anywhere with the offers, but I think the common thread is that the husbands were out of the marriage emotionally or sexually.

In a few of the cases they were good looking guys and it felt like they wanted someone to taker her off their hands so they could get someone better.

NJ

I think the bolded part is what will stick out in my mind long term.

Thank you for so succinctly wrapping up what I have struggled with for 8 years now.

Jean, her;s my take. The possibilities I can think of are this: Like Revelation said, he truly did not value you all that much and was not terribly hurt by what you did as it gave him an out from your relationship. This would seem to be supported by the letter you found to the women he dated after you seperated.
Or, you hurt him deeply but he does not want to give you the satisfaction of showing you this. So, his interactions and welcoming attitude with the OM are his ways of feigning how unimportant you were so as to hurt you back. In essence he may be trying to show you that you the demise of his relationship with you was no great loss.
I was so pissed and hurt by my XW's cheating that I wrote her OM a thank you letter for taking her off my hands. I did feel this way to some extent, as , like your H , the affair provided me with an honorable out from someone that was very abusive pre-A(not saying you were abusive, but, your H may have been happy to be out for some reason). But, I was also hurt by her cheating and I did want to send her the message that I could'nt care less about her.

BTDT.

Jean,
Does BexH still act this way towards you? Is contact only limited to the children?

Does he get the title of BexH since we did reconcile and THEN he had the affair that ended our marriage?

He was much nicer to me after my affair than he has ever been since his affair. People were shocked how well we all got along, myself, OM, BH and his GF.

We had a honeymoon reconciliation that lasted for a year until I discovered his affair. I exposed, plan A'd, he plan B'd me asking why I couldn't be as accepting of his affair as he was of mine.

We do not speak much at all now, there is not much amicable about our relationship at this point.

Is BWexH better? Does it matter?


I find that bizarre as well.


Resentment


Sorry it has come to that but both of you seem like you want to do tit for tat in hurting each other so maybe it's best. You can always apologize if you want. He may not accept your apology or not care, but you can still make one.

Black_raven,

I do appreciate your replies to me.

Could you talk more about the above statement. Do I currently seem to be wanting to cause him pain? If so, you are sensing something that I am unaware of and I need to take a closer look.

My take on this is that he never actually got over your affair. He was most definitely devastated by it and probably his whole self image was shattered. His A 1 year after reconcilliation reeks of revenge. Not sure at what point you discovered MB - did he find it after your A or did you find it after his? If he didn't know MB principals, he may just have been shell shocked that you would do such a thing, yet still value his marriage enough to try to work it out. Then when he figured that he wasn't getting over the affair, he went out and had one of his own.