I had a gut feeling something was a going on now for a few weeks and finally confronted her sunday night. It took awhile to get it pryed out of her. When she did fess up I told her to pack her things up and to get out. She said she was very sorry, that she wished that it would of never happened and she didnt know why it happened. Also I called the OM and had a talk with him around midnight. This had been going on for a couple of months I believe. She admitted to having sex with him more than once She wound up staying. She said that she would not have anymore contact with him she has accepeted full responcability. The next day I seen where a lawyers office had contacted her. She has been staying here after work she makes lunches and still does some housework. She seems very sad and still tells me shes sorry but this morning she woke up angry. Can anyone tell me whats going on or whats in her head Thanks

Welcome. I hope that you have read all about Plan A here. That is the starting point.

The most important thing is that she has no contact with the other man, for any reason, ever again.

Thank You I will read plan A. I been married to her for 24 years. It hasnt been the best marraige in the world and not the worst but we made it this long she has been unhappy before, then we would work things out and get better for awhile. She said she has been unhappy now for 2 years and even started smoking then this is the same time she got promoted at work. I believe the stress from her work plays a big part in this also. I want us to work this out if she is willing. She still tells me that she loves me. The OM works in the same building though. I have confronted him and he said it was all over with her he has been told not to have any more contact with her and she has been told that also. She told me tonight that she had alot going through her head and she couldnt stand seeing me upset. She said she was very sorry this happend and that she was going to be moving to another place by herself with no furniture etc, to try to get her head straighted out.

What would be the best way for me to handle this situation?

No.

If WW moves out it will only make her free to do the OM whenever she wants.

You can not believe that the OM all of a sudden got morals and will never go near your WW.

Does management know about their affair and forced them to not have any more contact?

WW is in an addiction for the OM. The only way that your WW can go through withdrawal and detox for the OM is to have NC, no contact with him.

There never can be NC if the WW and OM still work for the same company. WW or the OM will have to quit. If OM has no plans to leave there then your WW must quit ASAP.

You also need to expose this affair to WW's parents and siblings, and the OMW.

Encourage WW to stay home. Do not help me to move out physically or financially.

Johnny,

You probably don't realize it, but you've just helped your situation greatly (on instinct alone). You have established "the intent of" NO CONTACT (NC) ... the Affair (A) has been broken and your Wayward Wife (WW) appears remourseful.

First ... could you provide us a little background?

You've been married for 24 years ... any children?

You say the Other Man (OM) works in the same building ... is it for the same company?

Is OM married or have a serious girl friend (GF)?

How long was the A?

Where did it occur? (i.e. hotel, car, office, YOUR home?)

IS THIS THE 1ST A FOR YOUR WW? (that you know of)

Does she claim "feelings" for the OM or was this just a non-romantic tryst?

My guess is you don't know (or haven't even considered) some of these ... no problem, completely understanable ... but they are important.

Time to snoop to get intelligence ... get her cell phone and check the history and saved text messages ... does she use a home computer, if so, check her emails, etc., EXPECIALLY THE DELETED AND SENT folders ... waywards have a habit of deleting incoming messages from OM, but they forget to empty the trash or delete their own "sent" messages (THIS IS HOW I CAUGHT MY FWW) ... get her cell phone history to see the extent of her contact and to confirm when contact ceased (if it truly has).

That's a good start, but there will be more to follow.

NOW, keep you head up, you have done NOTHING wrong and a lot of stuff RIGHT. Your proactive stance has improved your chances more than all of the plans described here. We have seen it over and over ... Betrayed Husbands (BH) who act proactively and with a purpose have a chance, those that are too afraid to act ... have NONE.

One last HUGE question ... at this point and with only this minimal information ... what is your gut instinct telling you ... do you want to attempt Recovery (R) or are you more inclined to proceed towards Divorce (Plan D) or are you still "in between"?

Keep in mind there are no right or wrong answers ... you can try to R or you have every right as a BH to dump her and move on ... ITS YOUR CALL.

I have 2 kids both still at home a 21 year old and the other 17 both young men 17 year old still in school. They both work for the same company they used to work together until a couple of years ago. She got a promotion a couple of years ago and relocated to the other end of the building found out she was smoking a couple of weeks ago and said she been doing that when she started the promotion. When she worked with him before she could not stand him at times. He is not married likes to party has been doing this forever he was at one time married and his wife gave him a divorce and a few months later his ex died of an anurizuim. I think this happened about 3 years ago.I didnt ask how long the A was going on but by cell phone bills the first of Nov. I asked her where this had taken place at when I confronted her and she said that she could not tell me where so I left it at. The end of Oct. she was really losing alot of weight buying outfits and that concerned me alittle said she had been unhappy for a couple of years. She had been going out with friends at work prior to this and they were no problems then so I assumed everything was fine. Then in Nov. she had been going out with girlfriends every two to three weeks either on a friday or sat. night to eat and have a few drinks. Every weekend and on friday nights her cell phone revieled that she would contact me and or my kid if I didnt answer then call him and then call me back. On the weekends she would say she was going shopping with a girl from work. This was the first time for the A that I know of. She said she didnt love him and that she loved me so I am assuming no feelings. I think she may just needed to escape. We lost a child earlier in our marriage that still gets to her to this day. Her brother told their mom that he never wanted to see her again this started a year ago she is very stressed at this her mother n stepdad and father n stepmom wont speak to each other they use to be close. She likes her work but stresses her out alot. Wife was also married before and he was killed in an accident. She told me last night that what she had done was hurting her like when our son died and also there was things still bugging her when she was a kid. She also told me at Christmas that this was the worst Christmas she has ever had so I think all of this was really eating at her. I know this is no excuss to do what she did. I would love to R if she is willing. Sorry for this being to long

OK ... based on your responses, this will get really difficult and messy ... will she agree to write a NC letter to OM that you approve and send?

"KEEP IN MIND THAT NC WITH A CO-WORKER MEANS THAT ONE OF THEM (OR BOTH) WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE COMPANY, WHICH MAY INCLUDE YOU HAVING TO EXPOSE THEIR A TO THE COMPANY TO GET THEM BOTH FIRED, IF ONE (OR BOTH) OF THEM WON'T DO SO VOLUNTARILY"

Get your head around this concept ... it will not be easy to explain or enforce. Also, keep the exposure part to yourself ... don't clue the WW in that this will be your plan "IF" she won't take the appropriate actions herself.

However, THIS IS IMPORTANT. You will not be able to attempt R until there is NC.

Can you do this???

I will talk to her about this. She told me last night that she needed to tell him that she was sorry and that she was over with him. I will tell her she needs to do it in a letter. I also talked to HR where they worked and they said they had no policy in place for this behaiver

You know that she had been having unprotected sex for the past couple of months which has put your health at risk for STD's. If you are going to try to stay with her then it is essential that the both of you be tested for STD's. These are the consequences of affairs.

I hope you are still around Johnny.

What your wife is telling you about talking to him again is bulllcraap!

NC letter is a MUST.

One of them quitting is a MUST.

Johnny, If she continues to work with him, you will need to give her surprise polygraph tests, as long as she does. If she does not agree, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Its a bad situation when the cheater has all the power as to if and when the relationship/marriage survives.