Shock,

I just went through this fight. The worst mistake you can make is to let it happen.

DO NOT let her move the kids out of state.

State that you simply do not approve.

50/50 really isn't possible unless you guys live fairly close or have a central location that the kids can go to school to.

I'd say that the limit for a 50/50 is a 20 minute drive.

30 max. That's 30 minutes to go from one house to the other.

You go to court and demand that the kids be kept in state. You do this BEFORE she moves. Waiting till after will likely result in a "tsk, tsk" lecture from the judge with little change.

File for full custody NOW and use the excuse of her move out of state as a reason and throw in the mental instability and hospitalization for aggressive behavior.

You need to be proactive for the very reason that you are a man. That alone means you have to be proactive and not reactive.

Finally, put in a limit of 15 minute drive between homes for any custody arrangement.

You simply cannot let this happen. Trust me. I just went through the ordeal. Letting her move puts you at a serious disadvantage in court if you don't have primary custody.

That's why you must forget all pretenses of 50/50 agreement with her and go for full custody with her move as the excuse to file along with the instability, mental health concerns, etc.

Your lawyer needs to jump on board with this and if he/she doesn't, then get another one.

You're a man. You're at a disadvantage as a result. Act now!

Here's my $.02

When I went through my first divorce my ex wife called and said that her mom was comming to TX from MO to pick up my 4 Y.O. Step son. We were separated at the time and didn't have any leagal document stating who had custody or anything else. I told her that her mom comming to take my 4 Y.O. son to MO at this time was not a good idea. My ex wifes response.... well he's not your son and my mom is comming to get him.

So... that was on a Monday...I had to grease the wheels of justice and act quickly. I got a lawyer, filed for divorce and got a restraining order to keep anyone from taking the kids out of state. My ex wife got served at 11 AM on Friday... As soon as she was served I called my mother-in-law in MO to tell them don't bother comming... This was in 94 and not many people had cell phones then... I missed them at home and they drove 10 hours to find out that they wern't taking him out of state.

This was my 4 Y.O. Step son. But I was the only Father he knew and I had developed a parental bond with him. If they would have taken him out of state there would have been nothing I could have done. I would have probably never seen him again and his POS coke shooting, rubber check writing mom would have gotten custody of him.

This really p|ssed off my mother in law.... At the initial hearing she filed an intervention to try and get custody of the boy. I don't think she wanted custody of the two girls but her lawyer probably told her that it would be in the best interest of the children to keep them all together if possible. I won...I had custody of him until he was 13 and then I let him go live with his mother. After 4 years he'd had enough and came back to live with me. She still screwed him up by not doing anything to parent him. She let him do anything he wanted... So... now I'm stuck being the bad guy...

But I figure in another 10 years he'll wake up and eventually tell me thanks for the discipline. That's what happend to all my brothers kids when they got in their late 20's.

A couple of updates - I found out the other day that POSOM was on the emergency contact list for the schools but I wasn't. So, I told WW that I was removing POSOM and she threatened to file another PFA against me...I thought to myself - go ahead.

Last night, WW sent an email out to me, MIL, and SIL:

January 1, 2009

Dear Family and Friend,

I am write all of you this letter to let you know how I feel and how hurt I am by how you have been dealing with my divorce and relationship with POSOM. I was tought by all of you that went things get tough and your down and out that your family was always their for you.

Well, boy was I wrote. You all have listen to BS and all his lies, but I am treated like the not good person, the bad mother and the financially unstable. We let me tell you all, from this point on I will be the only one handling my finances and I will choice to see, date or go out with whose ever I see fix.

I was raised to treat people for the good that they possess, not their past. Maybe I can see the good in people, but all I have gotten is heart ache and tears from all of you. I am tired of belittled and made fun of. You have not one asked How can I help you” you all just sit back and email, text and yell at me on the phone.

Well you finally won, I am isolated from all of you because you all have pushed me away. You all just listen to BS and all his lies. I could have been a jerk and ran around telling you all about BS issues, but I didn’t. You want me to do what you want not what is best for me. Only what you all thing is good for me. Its my life and I am loving to live how I see fit.

I wanted a divorce for a long time, for over a year and half. But I hung for the kids. And you know it made me sick and in pain. Not once did any of you stop to realize how unhappy I was in the marriage. Obviously I wanted out if I was willing to go thought the normal hell of a normal divorce. What I didn’t except was the bankruptcy and the back lash from all of you. I am writing this to all of you because you all are working individually or together to wear me down.

What’s that saying “what don’t kill me makes me stronger” The real reason I when to the hospital was because BS was continuously harassing and the rest of the family mom, and Heather were also continuously call and beating me up about POSOM, and POSOM the kids. I had no where to turn. The ONLY want that wanted to help me was POSOM. He didn’t want me to go. You all would be happy to have me their a lot longer.

I am 35 years old. I do not need a chaperone, a guardian, or a trustee. Do not treat me like a child. Dad, Gerry, Christine have been the only support ones. The funny thing is over the last 6 months the best days I have had were when I didn’t answer my phone, email or test message from all of your including BS. It was peaceful. All of you just stur up the mud so much that it drive me nuts.

I am losing every thing that I have worked for so many years. N I am losing my business, my farm, my house. I have no idea where to go or where I am going. I don’t even know when this place will be sold. You guy need to see I must have wanted out of the marriage very bad if I am will to lose all of this. And I feel like my family had turned their backs on me. You all have been nicer to BS than me.,. I will never forgive him for lying to me about the finances and everything for the last 5 year. I didn’t have my head in the sand. I routinely asked him about the finances and said we were fine and that we can afford what we have. Boy was that a lie. The answer was always YES. I have been betrayed by BS and I also feel I have been betrayed by all of you. You all think I am the idiot, but BS was the one that blow away all the money. You all think POSOM is after my money. Well let me they you I am broke. You all just think about money and will. Why don’t you all try loving the people while they are here on earth rather than dead. Money can not buy happiness. People with less money are just as important as people that are wealthy. You all have become money snobs. Look what marrying th safe bet go me. ---- bankruptcy and a lot of pain. I do know that if Mommom was here I would be able to talk with her and she would see me for who I am. I wish mommom was here. If would be nice to talk with someone that is here on earth.

You just want to think what you want too. Well here the TRUTH

• I wanted out of the marriage years ago, no one ever asked.
• I will never forgive BS as lone as I live for blowing all the money and for him being just a jerk about the divorce
• I love my kids more than anything in this world.
• And I am a good mother and a good person.
• I am most happy when I an working with horses.
• Also whether you like it or not I love POSOM and POSOM loves me. Maybe you could all get off your high horses and met the real person and not was BS, Coco and Harry tells you.
• Just remember everyone has their past, and all of you have one TOO!
• You all have said some horrible things about me and POSOM, and we are all expected to just shut up and smile.
• Some times you say things that people never forget because the scare their hearts so badly. I have many scares on my heart an ironically they are not all from BS , most are from my family. “you’re a bad mother, you’re a cheater, your too stupid to see the real thing. “ There are many more.

This whole process have aged me and frankly I am tired of trying please all off you. The more I try to please all of you the more you all just hurt me, so I am done. I am living for me and my family. Like it or not POSOM is apart of this. So take it or leave it.

BUT I would not take it back, I feel I will be happy again and life cannot be so bad forever. I will make it with or with out my family’s support. I am not going to fight with you anymore.

I am putting the ball in your court. The one think I learned in the hospital was that everyone person has value no matter how messed up they are, and be believe me all of them were messed up. There is always someone worse off than you. A big thing in the hospital was changing your routine and environment or you would just end up right back in the hospital. I learned just because your family was a good support system in the past doesn’t mean that it will be in the future. So in short, if you are not helping me you are only hurting me. Including by talking with BS and letting BS use everything against me. You don’t have to invite us for holiday dinners, but don’t expect me to come by myself. You are all welcome to come to my house so I would expect us ALL to be welcome in your house.

So if you want to talk to BS that is fine, but I am not going to talk with all of your regarding my divorce, the sale of my house, the bankruptcy, POSOM or another things. If you want to be a sister, mother, grandmother, or friend I am here. If not then, I guess we will not be talking for a while. I am doing this to save my helath and no sanity. I am not going to fight an more.

I am loosing all my friends and customers here, but I will find new ones where ever I move. So the ball is in your court. I will not repeat history. We are to learn from history and move forward. I will see you all in the future. You will all end up in the future eventually but some of you may take longer to get out of the past.


See ya in the future.

I love you all, I just hope you love me enough to let me run my own life

Love you,

Wayward Wife

Nothing new or earthshattering - still hurts though.

My dear SIL had the following response to WW's letter:

To WW:

First, when you write a letter to everyone, please make sure you proof it. I could hardly figure out what you are saying in your letter. If this is your quality of work, then you will be fired.

Second, WW, as I have told you before it is not the fact that you divorced BS, but rather, it is the fact that you allow a blood sucking criminal into your and especially your kids lives.

Third, don't bring the dead into your arguments, they are not here to verify your side of the story, and mommom would "not" have approved of your choices.

Four, POSOM has done nothing but isolate you from your family, and he is loving every minute of it. He is playing you like a puppet and that fact that you can't see it just gives him move motive to do it more. He is playing with your mind and you are in too deep to see it. You will see the real POSOM someday and I will NOT tell you I told you so, I will just help pick you up of the ground.

Five, POSOM, will one day hurt you or your kids, and if you can live with that then fine with me, and yes, that makes you less of a good mother in my book.

Six, you are placing POSOM happiness above your kids. He tells you what is best for you and it is only what is best for him. There is a reason why he doesn't talk to his family members. Plus, DAD, and other family members, don't approve of POSOM either. Just ask them yourself-- straight out and not is some long story of your past with BS. You have not called gerry that often to ask, I suspect you are afraid to ask him straight out, since you know he does not approve.

Seven, I have put BS in his place numerous times over the last few months. You and your action have done nothing in my eyes for your kids....only answering to POSOM and not thinking independently. You have to understand the kids are his too and you made the choice to have kids in a bad marriage then you are the idiot. So suck it up and deal with it. If you where not so busy playing house with POSOM then you would realize this.

Please don't tell me that you are doing this all for your kids, b/c good mother chooses to live with a harmful man that is only adding to the kids problems. POSOM, is what he is--you just don't want to admit that you are wrong about him. He is not your white knight, if you want one, go out and find a knight and the devil. You say BS who you where married to for 10 years took all your money and you can't see that POSOM is just looking for a warm body, and some one to pay for everything.

Of course, he says he loves you and that he is the only one that does. As he is sucking you dry mentally, socially, and economically....paying for his horses, and his legal fees and his booz and smokes. He bring nothing to the table, and he will never get a good job do to his criminal record and his past child support. If he and his ex-wife have some agreement about child support then why is it still on the books at the court house. If you can not see this then you deserve the fall out of that POSOM will do to you. Try a little test, ask him to leave and you will see him change into a wild man, just like he turned on his father. Right now you have not challenged him on anything, and if you did, use your brain and try and figure out the truth you would see the man he really is.


Plus, the stuff that I don't like about POSOM are public record and not what BS or anyone else has told me about him. He stinks on paper and he is not a changed man, if he still committing crimes. Most recently, Oct. 4th and you say this will be all fixed. My point exactly, he fixed all the messes that he makes, and he lies to you about the truth. He didn't tell you about his past until I made him explain his past and I questioned you and him on it.

I am done talking to you about the losers, he is not worth your time or mine. I will tell him just how I feel when I see him on the 10th. You can push him on the family but no one is forced to like someone they know is a bad person to the core. POSOM is not a man he is a blood sucking tick, but he dose not suck blood he just sucks your life away, just like he moved in on you when you where vulnerable (ie, when you say your where unhappily married). If you wanted out we could have helped you and BS.

We have done nothing but help you and POSOM has told you to do the opposite b/c it works out better for him and not you of course. If you can't see it then you are an idiot. When you want POSOM out of your life then you call me. Until then, don't tell me that you are doing what is best for your kids, you are being so selfish about what is best for your kids. You can live on your own, or is that what you are afraid to be alone so you hang out with total trash instead of being strong. POSOM is just feeding off your your weaknesses.

Don't tell me the changes that the family have to make--just maybe your the one that has to clean house and make changes.


DSIL

I'd stay out of this one. SIL said it best.

The fantasy is crumbling.

I'll get some popcorn and sit back and watch the show! MIL is also writting a response.

SB

Hi ShockB,

You SIL has neatly tacked OM behaviour. Lets see your wife respond to her testing OM.

Do they know what strain that she is talking about concerning you.

Why do they try to bankroll you into service. Whose idea of bankrolling is it. OM or WS.

What is she talking about killing the farm. She kicked you off the farm. Were there any other circumstances that killed the farm.

But I'm curious, why would she want to want to sink into adultery to escape her circumstances. Will this win her back to a fold. Confirm that she is definitely going to stay with anybody. So far, she has acted as a con man herself. Stealing horseshoes. Given a car from your estate. Shutting you out from your own estate. This lady does not hold a Christian tenet.

Talk to me. Is this the other man?

You have a great sister in law. WW is grasping for anything in desperation to justify her affair.

Yes, I was VERY close to both MIL and SIL pre affair and still am. I have been extremely open with both of them with everything since D-Day. After D-Day,the OM told WS that I erased the hard drives on our laptops to cover up illicit activities. WW believed him even though she had asked me to back everything up which is what I did. Plus, there is NOTHING illicit on the computers.

As for the farm going under, we went all in financially on the place. Our dream was for our kids to be married there and for us to leave it to them. Plus, we bit off way more than we could chew with the horse business as well.

Her timeline with her unhappiness matches when she first met OM. Everybody was SHOCKED to hear about our impending divorce. While our marriage wasn't perfect, there weren't very many red flags either.

What's ironic is she says she is happies when she is working with the horses. She did that for the last 5 years. Now that the D is looming large and she is with the OM who is supposedly a horseman, she won't be able to work with horses regularly because she has to get a steadier job to pay the bills.

Sister in law has been a true friend through all of this. She's hit me with a 2 x 4 when needed and is doing everything in the kid's best interest. She has been a true advocate for the kids. That's why she's come down so hard on WW.

Shockb,

That makes sense. Show her all the angles that led to downfall of the farm.

Now some of those things would have to be apportioned blame. Who is what downfall. Yours, hers and OM fault.

How is playtime with the kids panning out. What is OM riding around nowadays. Can you stop him from caring the kids.

Do the kids really understand what is going on with the divorce.

SB,

I've followed your thread and I feel for you. You have had a really bad situation. I hope things improve soon for your kids sake even if that means Plan D.

You may want to put a shout out to Schoolbus to ask her to analyze the email from your WW. She is a handwriting expert and I've seen her analyze emails on other threads and it is very interesting. She can help you decipher the 'true feelings' that your WW is having right now vs. what is written in the email.

Just a thought I had... Best of luck to you!

Mindshare

Wow, what a confused email she sent. Is she normally so prone to typos, misspellings and grammatical errors? If not, I'd say she is really starting to buckle.

Sad to think she wants to believe it is all true. The capacity for self-deception that people have never ceases to amaze me...

Did your MIL respond to her?

Shocked...I know these are bad times, but in regards to what your WW wrote...well, I LOVE it!! She is coming unglued, while at the same time, trying to tell everyone she is happy and isnt coming unglued!

Remember the old adage...when your enemy is trying to defeat himself or herself, dont get in the way!

You're right - it's a glimpse into the WW mind when their fantasy is ripping apart right before their very eyes. I've resisted the Pepperband reverse fog babble as well. If you recall, WW wrote that she's been unhappy for years. Then a couple of sentences later she says she is happiest when she is working with the horses.

The ironic thing is she was working with the horses 24 /7 prior to OM who is supposedly a horseman. If the D goes through, she'll be working an office type job just to survive and will not have any time or money for the horses even though she left me for a horseman!

It's poetic justice... but it's also sad to see someone who has so deluded themselves that they are destroying their family and their own chance of happiness...

When your divorce is final and OM has left her for greener pastures... and she finally comes out of the fog and delusion... she is going to be absolutely destroyed. And the devastation will be so complete... it will best be described as "diabolical".

I'm praying for you, Shock, and for your kids... but I'm also praying for your wife.

(Edited to add: praying that she wakes up before she has totally demolished everything she ever held dear... and praying that she recognize that she needs to make serious changes in herself before blaming anyone else...)

I spent the day trying to find a speech therapist for DD3. She used to be very outgoing but is starting to become very self concsious and frustrated about not being able to fully express herself.

WW and I will need to work with her extensively to solve her issues. That is another casualty of affairs - DD3 was in danger of falling through the cracks because of WW and the D. The unfortunate thing is this problem would be much easier to solve with us together.

WW also thinks DS6 has major behavior issues such as ADHD. I don't think so - he is a class clown type who LOVES attention. I have not had any issues with him when I've had him. I think his issues are more because WW does not have time for him because of OM and the horses. On Wednesday we are both going to see a pediatric counselor about DS6. It shall be interesting what the counselor says...

Keep us posted about the the appointment.

Bump for Zambo

WW and I went to see the counselor on 1/8 about DS 6. Of course WW spun things about how great a person OM is. I think I just about gnawed through my tongue during the appointment! THe counselor did think it was quite odd that OM moved in the night I left the house. WW didn't think there was anything wrong with that! Some shining examples of fogbabble from the appointment:

- my vasectomy was several months before I love you but not in love with you. (Vasectomy was 7/25, ILUBNILWU was 7/28)

- OM was not arrested for crimminal tresspassing or offensive touching.

- OM is wonderfull - the dishes are done, dinner is on the table, and the 13 horses are done by the time WW gets home from work. NEvermind 10 of the 13 horses are OM's!

A couple of other news items - even though the emergency ex parte custody did not go through, the modification of custody hearing is scheduled for sometime in March. WW was LIVID when she heard about this. I'm going to keep the hearing date - WW needs to still find a place to move to after the house goes under and if she moves far away, we will wind up in court anyways. If she doesn't have her crap together by the hearing in March, it will put me at a huge advantage for custody. I have a job and a place to live. She may have a job but no place to live. Advantage, BH!

In addition, POSOM's trial is on the 26th. If he's found guilty, advantage: BH!