Now I feel I’m so close!!! But I’m hung up on the following:

- My wife refuses to sign the NC Letter, she just wants to print it and send it. I ask her to sign it and she asked me “what is the significance of signing it?”
- She refused some of my changes to the NC Letter.

I can tell she is fighting it. She does not want to send it but she understands it’s important.

How do I deal with this?

More details here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2193371&fpart=1

I don't see an NC letter that is being sent unwillingly and with resentment against the BS for forcing it as doing much good. If that is the way she feels, she still wants to see this guy. You can't control that and an NC letter will not make her feel the way you'd like he to, either.

Kingrat, willingness is the KEY here. If she is not willing, she is probably not very serious about nc in the first place.

My WH sent two NC emails under duress from me and they were useless. I battled with him over minute changes and it sapped my love for him so much. I know that the OW said when she received the first one that 'this was dictated by Tully' and continued to have daily contact with WH. I was furious but his reaction was 'well, she's fighting for her love'.

All that to say that if an NC letter is not written willingly or even eagerly then it's a waste of time.

Good luck. I feel for you.

So what would be my best course of action?

Say nothing, do nothing?
Argue the signature point?
Do not send anything as she is unwilling?
Send my own OM NC Letter?

She claims that I'm passive aggressive. One day I tell her to send the letter and then I say if she does not mean it we shouldn't send the letter.

You tell her basically what you're saying here.

The NC letter has to mean something to both of you.

The content must mean something to both of you.

And if her signature is not on it, it will mean nothing to you.

Then let her decide what to do. Don't involve yourself in an argument over this.

I understand. However, doing this is this also putting pressure on her to sign it?

Kingrat, Sorry but you are not close...

She doesn't want to sign it so that she can tell the OM YOU sent it, NOT HER.

Her plan was to just send the letter without signing and tell the OM that SHE had nothing to do with it.

If she was truly interested in NC it would be signed and sent...

Sorry...

God bless.

Jim

I agree - she's not sincere about wanting to end contact with OM.

I'd tell her that while you very much desire reconciliation and that NC is critical to your being willing to recover the marriage, you can tell her heart is not in it now, as evidenced by her reluctance to sign the NC letter, and so you prefer to defer sending it until later.

So I move to plan B? I'm done with the games.

I did not see that you had written a new icon, same question as on last:

What does she say on the NC letter?

I'll read your other thread and come back.

I agree with the other posters. She is not willing to end contact at this point. It took my H several weeks after we started talking about the NC letter to finally write one. And it was not until he was leaving his job, knew that he probably would not be "bumping into her" in the hallway that he would actually do it - write it in his own words, and hand-write it so she would know that it came from him and did not come from me. And it was not until he knew I was REALLY serious about this condition that he committed to doing it. I have not followed all your thread closely, but maybe it is time for Plan B. I guess it depends on exactly where YOUR line in the sand is.

Best wishes.

AM

Hi King, I've read your other thread now and I can see your dilemma. The first thing I would say is that you should trust your instincts. If your feeling is that 'you can't keep playing her game' then listen to that. You are, more than likely, not being unreasonable.

My inclination is that you shouldn't go to Plan B just yet. I would not force her to send the NC letter unless she does so willingly and with love and concern for you. Otherwise it means nothing. I would tell her very clearly that you love her and want a good marriage with her but that any contact with OM is totally unacceptable to you. You are not imposing any specific actions on her but she must realise that you will act and react based on what she does choose to do. I would stand firm on this issue and make it absolutlely clear that there will be no negotiation on this point. Then I would stop talking about it and spy on her to see if there is any contact going on. As their contact has been via internet it might be worth putting in a keylogger on her computer. If you find hard evidence of contact then I would go to Plan B. I hope things improve over the next few weeks, they should if you are meeting her needs and she is maintaining NC.

Good luck and hang in there.

Tully

here is the text of the NC Letter
"My husband discovered the last online chat we had which had been saved in the computer temp files. Obviously, he was angry and hurt. The conversations I had with you, I should not have had. They hurt my husband very badly. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make it work.

Because of the offense to my husband and the damage to our marriage, I am ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to heal my marriage. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me further."

Try this:

My husband has found evidence of previous communication. I have embarrassed my husband, my child and myself. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make it work.

I shall refrain from further contact. Do not make any further attempt to contact me in any way.

Thank you.

WW


With this one, she is able to take on the fault of any previous communication that she may have had with OM.

Obviously this must only be sent only if she is committed to renewal.

The other point is that you will be able to pick up messages from other man if he does send them. This is why I need to know that you have still got the old number from your wife.

We normally have a little card that is installed into the video phone here in SA.

are you referring to sms messages?

Yes. This allows you to read any message that comes in.

The bonus here is that you can read what he says. The benefit is that if any other friends phone through, they can be properly reconnected.

The old number is out of service. No contact in the new number at all in thew past two weeks

I looked at the underlying message of the NC letter as it is written.

The NC letter is being resisted because it does three things:

1. Offers an admission of the wrongfulness and hurtfulness of her actions.

2. Takes responsibility for what she has done.

3. Severs the communication with OM permanently.


When asking yourself why she will not send the letter, you need to ask which of the three purposes she does not want to fulfill. If you can address that issue, then you can get the letter sent, and back on track toward recovery.

SB