I never said that it was the consequences that would keep me from having another A....I just stated that I never thought of the consequences....and no, I wouldn't have another A....no matter what.

As Harley says, affairs are supposed to be kepy secret. No one would have an affair if they considered the consequences.

So, my WW saying "I would never do this again, I hurt you, I hurt so many people, etc," isn't 100 percent compelling. If she thought she could do it in secret again, those ramifications wouldn't matter.

And, in terms of "once a cheater, always a cheater" it makes some sense. Clearly she weighed all this and did it once. And clearly something i her marriage left her vulnerable and looking outside.

I much rather hear my WW says "I sinned terribly, I'm going to h3ll, I'm wracked by guilt, I can't sleep, it's a black mark on my soul.." PERSONAL reasons that would not need exposure in a second affair to have ramifications.

Make sense?

Words are cheap. You've had an affair once, your word doesn't mean anything. Shoot, I'm a betrayed husband, and I know that I couldn't avoid an affair if I allowed myself to be in the wrong position.

What are you doing differently that will keep you out of those situations again. Trust me, there are smooth talkers that could find a way into your pants again. The key is not being in a position where they can go to work on you.

I would cheat on my wife if I was alone in a room with a beautiful woman and she got naked. I couldn't turn it down. But, if I'm in public with my wife around, that isn't going to happen.

What are you doing to protect your marriage from predators in the future? Your BH doesn't want to hear that you won't cheat again. He wants to see your changed behavior and be comfortable that you couldn't cheat in your new lifestyle even if you wanted to.

I like that analogy Jim. Going to use that with my wife at the appropriate moment...

She's still in withdrawl right now, but progressing slowly.

I don't feel that is true.....I now, know in my heart, that what I did was wrong, and would never allow myself to betray my husband, again....
Here's the difference between you and I......I wouldn't cheat on my H if I was alone in a room with a handsome man.....I COULD turn it down. I don't want my H to know that I'm not going to cheat on him, simply b/cause he is there....I want him to know that I'm not going to cheat on him b/cause I'm a changed person.....and, it's not going to happen whether he is there, or not. I'm learning from my mistakes to make my marriage stronger than ever.

I agree with you, park. I worked in a male dominated industry for nearly two decades and had many opportunities to cheat on my H and didn't -- not because H was there but because I loved my H and I didn't want to be with anyone else. H never ever would have known in most of the situations I was presented. I even had blatent advances where I so wanted to -- heart racing, blood surging, rapid breathing inside... But still walked away because it was against what I believed in and what I wanted with my H.

I am a FWW. So my willpower didn't last. I'm certainly no posterchild for boundaries. But it started as an EA that developed digitally -- via phone, text, IMs, and emails. FOM lives 2,000 miles away. It doesn't take a naked person standing before you to tempt you. It's a matter of not protecting your own weaknesses. You need to avoid the circumstances. You need to control the environments you're in so your weaknesses need not be tested. But if you cannot avoid it and your weaknesses are tried, you need to be fortified inside to know WHY you will not give in. That fortification comes from what we're learning here at MB to affair-proof your relationship.

Whether my H and I make it, I know I will NEVER get involved in an outside relationship ever again. The pain I brought upon myself from my horrible mistake has been overwhelming -- a living hell. I can't have my only gatekeeper for affair-prevention be my H. Yes, he needs to participate in affair-proofing our marriage, but I can't burden him with full responsibility. I tried that before and it failed miserably.

I think the above is right. MB is supposed to affair-proof your marriage, so when you are in love, you would never want to devastate that person. Plus, since you are in love, your ENs are being met in the marriage.

THAT SAID....men have two heads. The little one has an enormous will of it is own. It is the RARE man who could always turn down a risk-free strictly sexual encounter with the woman of his dreams. All you wives make think so ;-) but the male sex drive is like a madness.

I do believe men and women are different here, and most women need more of a courtship or an emotional connection or soemthing. Like, biologically, men are looking to drop a seed, and women are looking for a stable parental partner.

Or something.

As to park....I think as time goes on, NC is more important for the betrayed partner. My WW seems to be out of withdrawal/fog and wants life to return to "normal".

I don't trust her a bit, and I certainly am not going back to the "normal' that had her having sex with OM in my house. So, normal ain't making it.

I remember right after D-day and the NC concept she looked at me teary-eyed and said "You mean, if I run into OM at the store I have to just ignore him?".......<sob> for the rest of our lives??"

I bet you thought that before the first time around?

The most dangerous FWW is the one who says 'never again'.

I don't think this is true regarding the male sex drive being greater. Women in their late 30's have way more drive, many times, than their male contemporaries due to diminishe testosterone in the men and increasing levels in older women.Biologically , women are just as driven to get diversity of offspring as men. I think men need to wake up and acknowledge that many women that cheat do so for strictly sexual reasons. Look at the recnt cougar phenomenon.

This kind of attitude is why your BH is scared about you cheating again. Why can't you admit that you could cheat given the right circumstance, and do everything in your power to avoid those circumstances again? It's not being alone in the room with a handsome man that will get you, it's talking with a man "innocently" who knows how to talk to you, butter you up, and deposit huge love units until you are so in love with him, you are willing to give him what he wants and risk your marriage again.

You are naive, and haven't fully learned from your mistakes. You have no clue how your affair happened and how to prevent it in the future.

Well, good point, but I was thinking the analogy given above about a beautiful woman naked in a room for a one time riskless sex act.

I think a man is more likely to jump that. I think most women look outside for something other than a one time sex act.

Parkjee1,

How does your husband process the fact that the A went on for 10 months? Thats not exactly a short term affair and it sound like it would have gone on for much longer had it not been busted.

Sad too that it was a childrens sports coach, I feel thats in a category with preachers, teachers and Bill Clinton.

God Bless
NJ

Mike you talk more like a wayward in a fog than most waywards on these boards.........sorry!

iam, I would disagree.

The most dangerous FWW is one that does not put any EP's into place to back up the statement of "never again".

reminds me of the scripture passages James 2:14-18, where he mentions faith without works is dead.

Jim's exactly right. While a post can't tell a whole story, it does seem that you are not yet thinking critically and proactively. Don't get caught up in the emotions of all this - you need to find out what happened and be proactive about addressing that.

Dear Parjee1

Please note that these guys are not saying that you are permanently flawed and that you are secretly harboring dreams of having another A! They are NOT!

They are saying that the first defense line against another A is taking precautions to prevent situations in which your defenses are tested. This is the single most successful strategy to avoid falling into any A.

NOW you are disgusted with the thought of having another A. And you believe this feeling will forever protect your M. It will not.

What people who rely on feelings to protect their M fail to realize is that when an OP come so close emotionally that a defense of the M is required, the feelings already have become "treacherous soldiers". They flee the battlefield and change alliance to fight for the enemy.

A successful M relies on defenses that can survive even "treacherous soldiers". These defenses are
1) Line one: Precautions in place (boundaries: never &#8220;improper&#8221; behavior)
2) Line two: A strong commitment to the M and to what is right.

These two defensive lines must be built and prepared to defend The M against your own feelings as well as attacks from the outside.

Since you already have fallen once, you have proven that your defenses were not up to the task. That means that you must from now on and through out the rest of your M (perseverance!!) take extraordinary precautions to protect your M. In addition to learning from your proven weakness, this is also necessary to give your H a sense of safety.

You are not flawed! But people may feel that you underestimate what it takes to protect your M and your H.

God bless your recovery!

To all!

With that being said: I believe she should have got it now; that extraordinary precautions are required. I would suggest we now return to what she can do to help her H, herself and the M to heal.

I would just like to hear a list extraordinary precautions she is taking instead of "I'll never do it again."

My WW really laid that on thick last night...NEVER,NEVER,NEVER, etc. Said it caused HER too much pain, not her usual "I hurt other people"....which was more comforting to me, I think.

nice to know that Mike. You know how much i am dying to hear that from my wife ? She is doing the usual "I know i have hurt you". And that is pretty much it.