So true Jean, so true...

Today I'm just full of gifts of clarity from G-d. For all of you who have told me OVER and OVER and OVER again that WH and what he is doing isn't ABOUT ME.... I finally caught a HUGE glimpse of what you mean and I have experience to build on it.

What a frickin CONTROLLING person I was, can still be, but am LEARNING not to be. I was explaining something to my sponsor about my sister that was bothering me and as we walked through it, she jumped down my throat about how it wasn't ABOUT ME.....

And it just clicked....

Maybe I had unrealistic notions of what marriage and commitment were and no matter what you figure it out. Maybe I live in a time that doesn't share that value and commitment. Who knows. But I got an experience to draw on, and put it on top with TRULY understanding how I have no power over people, places and things and that I can feel the pain, be sad for the situation, but that I am NOT G-d and I can't control my sister, my DD and certainly not my H or WH.

All I can do is seek G-d, and walk the path that he is carving out for me as a result of what's been happening around me.

:crosseyedcrazy: boy it's been a bright day of vision today.

Thank you G-d

WONDERFUL!!

Also, check out ACE'S thread which proves that there was a time when I was NOT STRONG!!

Queenie,

I feel your pain and all of the other confusing emotions you are going through over DD. The advantage that you have over me is that you understand addictions because you have been there. I don't understand them in that way and don't know if I will ever be able to because I haven't experienced it.

Your family needs you to be strong now. Be there for them. My DD may be inserious trouble, and I don't know if I can be there anymore.

Love and hugs....

Queenie:



- M

I think that's a common theme among women our age. At least for me, I was taught that when I grew up I would find a husband who would work and provide for me, we'd have 2.3 kids and live happily, romantically ever after. In fact, I went to college looking for my Mrs. degree.

The things my mom didn't tell me. :RollieEyes:

Hi Queenie,

Just want to say HI...and support you in your continued efforts in this common journey we are all on..... to get HEALTHY!

QUEENIE

Hi M, Hugs back to you pretty lady.

Hey Luna, I sure miss you, I'll have to go check out your thread and catch up with you. Yes, you, I am so many others are looking to heal and become healthy.

PM, what a fool or misfit in this time of throw away everything. Oh well, lessons are sometimes just hard learned.

Nice to see you and hope all is well on your end.

Queenie,

Hope you are doing better today. I had a message from Smartie about the trip. I hope to get a chance to call her this week. Would love to visit the PNW with you guys, but my future is pretty uncertain right now.

I'll call you because I have something to send to you and I will need your address....

Hi Queenie! (JT waving after a sunny day!)

I am soooo proud to have you as my friend!

This insight is huge!!!!


I hope we can get together sometime soon. I'm headed down to Alderwood tomorrow to get an upgrade for Titania and it reminded me of the first time we met there-Christmas '07.

You will be in my prayers. BTW, the phone number I used was the one that ended in 9292. Is that still your #? It has your message on it....

Chai-if you do come to visit, we'd love to show you the PNW. I have an extra room if you need one.

Wow, Queenie, did this ever hit home with me!


Your insight is marvelous.

I am SO PROUD of you. This is HUGE - a moment of clarity that has the power to free you from alot of ties to the past that were woven from "faulty thread", if you take my meaning. It means you get to re-invent your ideas about M and about commitment. It means you get to re-invent you as someone in exploration of what a realistic view of these things is (for you) and to re-balance your life in light of the insights you develop.

What a POWERFUL woman you are!!!

- M

I was just catching up on your thread. I wish I could give you an IRL hug, but this will have to do...




Your wisdom is showing in your post about your daughter. It must hurt the core of your heart, though, to see where she is and know that she isn't done.

I'm excited for you right now, even in the midst of this with your daughter. You are making choices now to empower yourself and to care for yourself. By being the best "you" you can be, you will be the best mom you can be, too.

You cannot go back and undo her childhood, but you can still impact her life today and in the future by being the woman God intends you to be.

I think as you take some ACTIONS (attorney, meetings, doctor), your fog will clear further, and you will see God has great plans for you. Don't fight his plans, Queenie.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

AMEN!!

I'll second that!!

Queenie, you have become the pillar of strength which you never imagined you could be! A Goddess beyond compare!

Well hi there, Bugs, I haven't seen you you for awhile.. Thanks for stopping by, I sure miss you president. Thank you all, Miriam, SMB and Mimi for your kind words and support.

I admit, I am feeling stronger, I am moving forward and taking action. Speaking of action.... I got a call from my A today, he has a court appearance in front of the judge on Friday to find out what to do to get a final decree within the month. How's that for action. How's that for my timing.

SMB, I'm not fighting G-d, but geez a month and I could be divorced. I broke down crying when he told me, asked a few clarifying questions and panicked. Panicked that I wasn't ready, it's too soon, etc.

I let people in on what's going on IRL, wanted to post here, but I was clearly too emotional and in a clear panic of not wanting my M to end. I went and met my food sponsor and talked through it, I went to a meeting and talked through it, I drove with a friend and cried through it. I processed what I was feeling, what was happening and what is G-ds will in all this. Because that's really all I care about.

I don't want a D, but come on, whose kidding who. My M has been in trouble for a long time. I was so unhappy myself. WH isn't showing one sign of being any type of human being with forget me, but HIS CHILDREN. He's off living his fantasy of more than me, lacrosse and soccer. Like Myfamily suggests, who the heck and I to argue that he isn't happy or he doesn't know what's best for him. I'm not G-d. It's his life, it was never my life.

Why should I wait around for something that isn't going to happen, and worst yet, giving WH control of how the marriage ends instead of me possibly getting G-ds will by this action and just totally be at peace with the end result and completely surrendering. Like scripture says, he has plans for me.

You are so right everyone, I am STRONGER, not the same sick destroyed woman that came here. I have learned so much about myself, that yes I wasn't the best wife I could have been, but you know what, he wasn't the best husband either. That I'm a little naive in marriage and just believed. That when I wanted to just die and not feel pain, I sought out G-d, nurtured my relationship with him and fought for survival to just get up in the morning and breathe at times.

This isn't my timing, this isn't in stone, but I'll let the A see the judge, I'll meet with him and see what he says and you can bet I'll be close to G-d seeking his will for me.

Queenie, humans have the privilege of making choices. Their choices affect others. And, sometimes, they hurt others - and God - when they make choices.

Remember that line from 'The Sound of Music'? When God closes a door, he opens a window somewhere.

Yes, I do. And I'm sure this door will be full of love, laughter, happiness and joy.

I just can't see it through the forest yet.

What about your life will really change?

Right now, you are living in limbo. Then, you will know where you stand. After all, you don't want him like he is right now.

It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok......

Yes you can.

Queenie, I didn't want to say anything on Browneye's thread because of her current state of mind, but I have to tell you. You were AWESOME in your posts to her. I hope that she "hears" your encouragement and reaches out to God. She's at her bottom. We've both been there and it ain't pretty. Good job Queenie.

Nothing and everything. I will have some more security. I will feel some relief that I did the very best I could. I will know that through all of this, he had a home to come too and it was HIS CHOOSING, not MINE to destroy a family and marriage.

I will be free to let the window open and G-ds light in for the next phase of my life.

NO, I don't want him as he is now. In fact, I was crying to a friend last night, I can't remember what he looks like, I can't remember what he sounds like.

I didn't choose this, I was willing to create a new marriage and work through the pain and commitment of recovery.

As it was drowned into me, I can't CONTROL him.

You know, having BROWNEYES on here, is helping me. I understand her pain, I remember that pain that total and complete inability to function in life and I see myself today.

Yes I will be OK. Not what I want.... but I will be OK...