My son is 13 years old and of course, has become sexually curious. He has not developed to the point that his peers have yet - his voice still hasn't changed, he doesn't have much underarm or groin hair growth and he is only casually interested in girls,small crushes, not girl crazy and talking about sex and trying to "date" someone like most of his friends.

My concern is that his father is a pornography addict, which is the reason our marriage fell apart. Even after $300/hour counseling, he still couldn't shake the habit. He said it relieved his "stress," it was his only vice and at least he wasn't seeing "real women." It was totally bizarre, as I enjoy sex, but became frustrated/bored as he would never try anything to spice things up with me, just spent a lot of alone time with his images. Anyway -

I caught my son viewing some pornographic video on our computer last evening. He quickly clicked out of it when I asked what he was watching and he appeared very embarrassed. He told me a friend told him about this video, which involved a giant scantily clad woman terrorizing a miniature town. I asked him to show it to me. Kind of dumb, but beneath the video were images of naked women doing disgusting things with male dolls. I didn't react except to say that I really didn't want him watching this sort of thing. I said I know he is curious, but certain things are just wrong. Then I dropped the issue.

What should I do now? How much is normal guy stuff and how can I help him not become what his father is (or at least was with me, anyway)? What's the best way to approach this communication-wise? I told him once before when I caught him looking at Playboy-type images on-line (I KNOW that's normal guy stuff)about the "perfect woman" images and how they differ from real women, etc.

I don't believe in making anything taboo, as that makes it more attractive, and we have always had open communications. I just don't know if and when it is time to worry about his "habits" in this regard. Please help!

I would do some research into the addiction aspect. Maybe there's a place in your city that addresses it that you could take it to. Maybe you could find some information on what has happened to families when it gets out of control. Basically educate him about the pitfalls of looking at it.

Then I would ask his dad to sit down with him and tell him his own story, and why it's the wrong thing to do, can ruin one's life.

Then I would sit down with him and explain how that addiction ruined your marriage (I assume you're divorced?).

Then offer to help him find other ways to learn about such things that won't require sneaking and hiding and building up guilt.

Then step back and let him make his own conclusion.

I recommend the book and workbook, "Preparing your Son for Every Young Man's Battle: Honest Conversations about Sexual Integrity". Go through this book with your son, even if you feel awkward or embarrassed. It would be ideal if his father were at a place in his life to be the one to do this, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

It is GREAT that you have been made aware of your son's curiosity. NOW is the time to teach him how to be a man of integrity. What a gift you can give to your future DIL. I'm sure you wish someone would have helped your husband develop that kind of integrity when he was young.

I urge you to be pro-active, and applaud you for knowing this isn't something to just blow over.

My husband is a recovering sex addict (porn and masturbation.)

Since my husband turned to sex to self-medicate as a young teen, we are trying to prevent any sort of addiction issues by raising our kids to be as emotionally healthy.

We also do plan to tell our kids, as a matter of health, that addiction runs in the family.

Then there's all the stuff about respecting partners (porn doesn't really teach that), that images aren't real (for both sexes), the risks of having multiple sexual partners, all that good type stuff, that employers are doing seaches of college graduates on places like face book, my space and what not-looking to see if people are purposefully putting their sexuality out on the internet.

We'll also be telling our kids that they won't explode, combust or die if they don't get sexual release...That they aren't entitled to sexual release based on gender..

IMVHO, now is past the time of telling your son what's what.
Middle schoolers get drunk. Middle schoolers think oral sex is OK since penetration is not involved. Chances are, your son knows more than you think-and some of it's likely very inaccurate.

I have always been open with my son about EVERYTHING, and I think that he is just on the verge of exploring, so I don't feel it is too late. I am a very hands-on parent, as is his father (except that he is an inept social idiot and only knows how to lecture, not communicate, even though he is highly educated), so at this point I don't feel that there are major secrets being hidden, I just don't want it to come to that by making a big deal out of something that may be normal teenage curiosity.

I plan to get the workbook mentioned regarding every young man's battle.

Also, I notice on a lot of advice pages that men don't seem to think the whole pornography thing is a big deal and shrug it off or give some glib reply. If it's not such a big deal, how come it affects so many relationships/lives? I mean, I've enjoyed my share of it in the past myself, but it never consumed my life, caused dysfunction in my relationships, or replaced a flesh and blood man.

That's all I'm asking - when is it normal (if you can call it that) entertainment and how can you detect the signs that it is becoming an obsession?

When they hide it or lie about it.

Hi Catperson -

I have read a lot of your postings and really think that you sound like you know what you are talking about when advising on an issue from an objective viewpoint. I had a frank talk with my son last night about the on-line pornography and how it can become a sickness, and even took your advice (gulp!) because I felt he could handle it, about how it contributed to the break-up of our family. Here's what I found out from that conversation. My son was disgusted about what I told him and agreed to work with me to make sure he wouldn't take things over the limit. He also recalled "catching" his father naked in front of the computer when he thought our son was sleeping, viewing porn in the LIVING ROOM, not in private, and when his father saw him, he yelled at him, then later apologized for what my son saw. At the time, my son did not realize what he had walked in on; he said he thought his father was going to take a shower, but then decided to check his e-mails. This happened over the summer, but I am just finding out about it now.

His father has since become involved in a new relationship and whether or not he still does what he did all the years of our marriage (I caught him doing this sort of thing all the time and he blamed me for causing him so much mental stress that he had to do that to relieve it) I don't know, but he has had the GF of almost four months spend the night while my son is visiting and I feel that is terribly inappropriate also, as my son only visits him 50% of the time and is not with him 24/7. I cannot believe the man has such little self-control over this.

Anyway, now I have to speak with a counselor to see if I should just drop the whole thing but tell my son to let me know if it happens again (since it happened so long ago) or look into only letting him visit his father on weekends. It's going to be one h3ll of a fight if I try to do that. His father also tries to tear him down mentally, which is really the main reason I want to keep him away from the jerk as much as possible, but this new thing is just the last straw.

Fascination with pornography is a horrible affliction that strikes one out of every one healthy American male adolescents.

Let it go. I'd be more worried about warping his sexuality by giving him a complex.

Mike_C2 I don't understand where you could possibly be getting your information from but you have been misled. Did you hear the title "EVERY young man's battle" There is also a book called "EVERY Man's Battle" There is a website you can visit everymansbattle.com

This is a sickness that affects EVERY man and unfortunately in today's society it is too easy to access and its everywhere and unfortunately its because people have your attitude of just "let it go" Its becoming more and more common and accepted.

My husband has been battling porn since I met him. At first I did not see the big deal, then I took offense to it, then I educated myself and found out that pornography is just as addictive as cocaine or other drugs. It has been physically proven that your brain is stimulated and reacts the same to porn as it would to cocaine or other drugs. In retrospect, porn is an addictive drug. Do some research. It is a sickness.

The sad thing is a man seeks out porn to satisfy a need for intimacy and when the experience is completed, he is left feeling unsatisfied and ashamed. The feeling he set out to satisfy has now gotten worse, on top of it he now feels guilty and ashamed. Especially if he knows better or he is in a relationship and is lying.

Porn, in any sense is cheating and sinning. No questions about that(Mat. 5:27 ...But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart..) and yes, women should be upset when their husbands or sons indulge in this. It also almost always leads to infidelity of some sort. The addiction starts off small, but then grows from watching an act to wanting to act out the act. If its not another women, the it will be a prostitute, or something like that. The addiction will grow, just like the amount of drugs that are used always increases with a drug addict.

Beware of this addiction, it is serious. I'm still battling it and it is taken very serious in my house. My husband and I are both in support groups for this. This is just as serious and can ruin a life just as easily as drugs. Do the research. The sad thing is it is easier and easier to get, like cigarettes. You only two clicks away. It is actually harder to get cigarettes. My husband can now go months without it but if he continues to have these slips, I am going to leave him. I will not tolerate it at all. His porn habits led to protitution, affairs, and other things. We have three boys and I will not let them think it is ok to bring this into our home. I monitor my computer. There are many good programs out there and I suggest every parent has it. I tell my sons its on there and my husband and they all know I check it everyday. This stops them before they do anything stupid. I am responsible for these boys. Would you let your son do cocaine? Would you let him smoke pot? Seriously think about this people and PLEASE do the research. Not enough people are educated about this horrible disease spreading like wildfire. Its got to be stopped.

With all due respect, the pornography I caught him viewing is warping his sexuality. Read my earlier post. I'm not a prude, but there is such a thing as crossing the line.

Interesting.

How about masturbation? Is that a sin and an addiction?

Grievingdivorcee: I can give you the name of a good program to use but I don't want to post it. Just in case my husband or sons see this post. I want them to know its there but I don't want them to know what program because there are counter programs out there if they know what they are looking for.

It is inexpensive and affective. If there is a way you can contact me privately on this site please do. I am new to this site and I'm not really familiar with it. I will give you the infomation.

Let your son know your watching him. Let him learn about sex the way God intended him to. Yes, porn will warp every thought he could have about sex, intimacy, and women. Women are used as an object in porn, not a creature to love and adore. Don't let him learn that. I have two teenagers and a two year old. I don't intend on them ruining their lives. I agree with an earlier post, it is an inherited behavior. There are reasons why. Please don't take this lightly.

I just recently saw a show on TV about this and how it is the cause of so many failed marriages. I forget the percentage but its high. Its becoming more and more of a problem. Let me know if you can't get up with me and we will figure something out.

Careful Mike thats a broad statement.

Yes looking at naked women is healthy and to be expected... It will even give most dads a happy grin the first time the boy is caught showing interest in the Victoria Secret catalog.

I have two "healthy" teen boys. One who has lots of real life female friends... To this one, I worry I'm going to become a young grandfather, and he hears my lecture on respect and protection all to often.

The other one is more of the shy type, but very much likes to look. He has been caught surfing porn too many times. He has proven he can't be trusted alone with the computer. The internet router has to be shut off if he is to be home alone. Parents: Do not forget the gaming consoles are a computer! Yes porn can be surfed via a PS3.

Scarey is the amount of raunchy porn that can all to easily be found online, the stuff that might warp a young minds idea of whats normal.

It's safer to get on the Victoria Secret mailing list and leave them lying around.

My personal thoughts on that is if you have lust in your mind when your masterbating then you are sinning. I guess it all depends on what you are thinking about.

The bible does not mention masterbation but the quote from Matthew was something Jesus said. If you are lusting after women in your mind to masterbate then, yes it is a sin. I guess if your married and your thinking about your wife, then maybe not. There is nothing in the bible about masterbation this is just my personal opinion. Me and my husband agreed never to do that out of the presense of each other. No good can come of it.

Now, if your a teenage boy then you are not married and any type of lust would be a sin. Sexual impurity ruins future relationships. Its a bad habit to start. If your a parent to a teenager, why would you want to condone it?

lol....I'm checking out of this thread. I've got enough real sin around my house this year.

Funny stuff, tho....

If you consider this a fake sin, no wonder "real sin" has been spreading throughout your house. Sin is sin. Once you let it in your house, it takes on all shapes and forms. If you allow the devil in, he takes over. If he has a hold on you, your family is next. You are the spiritual leader of your home.

I know I sound like a religious freak but I had to learn the hard way. I was not and do not claim to be perfect. I was raised in a house full of sin and I choose to raise my family this way. What a difference!! My husband has always been saved from the day I met him. He brought me to the Lord. That is the only reason we have made it this far.

Check out everymansbattle.com you'd be surprised at what you find. If you battle with porn, then maybe its the place for you. Who knows, it may be the root of all your problems and you never even knew it.

Grievingdivorcee, just reading through your sitch.

The internet is the greatest invention of the century but with it comes the "dark side". Our jobs are to keep our children safe. Yes, your 13 year old is still a child. I understand you do not want to keep anything taboo, BUT without restrictions on your computer you are inviting every type of warped sexual content right into your living room. Just type in the word "porn" or "bestiality" and see what pops up. This is not a case of a teenager peaking at Playboy out of curiosity, but real porn garbage that could really negatively impact him in his future relationships.

I did my thesis on keeping children safe on the Internet. What I discovered our kids were accessing was shocking. By letting your children sit unsupervised on their PC you are inviting danger, even predators into your home. There are many types of software to restrict certain sites or put a keylogger for a few months to see what your son is viewing. Is it invading his privacy? Or is it saving his life?

Absolutely keep communication open, but in the meantime monitor. Good luck

Because it is so easy to get hold of, the best practice is to sit down with your kid and walk him through the potential pitfalls. Kids don't see long-term, and they don't have the wisdom of experience to guide them. That's what we're there for.

Kids will listen to what you tell them - IF you make it logical and make it attuned to what kids are thinking about. I try very hard to stay up to date on what kids like and do these days so that I don't come across as 'old great grandma Louisa' and they totally ignore me. I explain the ways I've messed up; and I explain what I've learned from them. If you just go down the 'don't do it because I said so' route, they'll laugh at you as soon as you leave the room, and rush over to Johnny's house to get on his Internet. If you talk to him about addictions, and real love, and waiting to have SF with someone you care about, and how much a kid is going to change between the ages of 15 and 30 so don't make decisions now because you'll change your mind a dozen times before you're through...it will make sense to them. They'll go a little more slowly. They'll take on your beliefs as their own. Because it's logical, and it fits.

If all you do is talk about sin and lust, without the rest I described, they will tune you out before you start your second sentence, and they'll just get good at hiding it from you. To protect you.

Greivingdivorce,

I usually stay out of these types of conversations because the opinions are strongly held, but data is actually very scarce.

Ann said
If it affects every man, then it is normal, AND therefore it is not a sickness, it is simply normal. Whether women approve of it,is not the point.

However, while "many" men find the female anatomy interesting, attractive, and even arosing, that is NOT a sickness. That is programed in at birth and by chemistry. You don't think it is chemistry? Ask any man in his 60's or 70's if his drive is as strong as it was in his teens or 20's. It is not. It is chemistry.

GD, I know this is not what your post is about, but I am going to say a few things what I think will lead back to your actual concerns and let you know where I am coming from.

Women or at least most women don't understand men and their sex drive. Studies have shown that men think about sex or sexual topics roughly every 10 seconds. I cannot vouch for that, but I can vouch for the fact that men do think alot about sex. It is not just modern society that is causing this. It is not just pictures on the web causing this. The population was increasing long before this. Women don't have this drive and then have the timerity to say "it is all in your head think of something else", when they have no clue what they are talking about.

It is sort of like, men telling women how to feel when they are pregnant or delivering a child. We know pain, but not THAT pain. We have no clue about what it feels like to carry another being in our body.

Sex is a primitive drive. Men are chemically programed to think and focus and be driven by sex and particularly the visions of women in our heads.

Having said all of this, you might suppose I would tell you to try and avoid telling your son to just "get over it". In fact, that is exactly what I propose that you not do. I don't think you are actually thinking of doing this but if you could you might be tempted. We know "just get over it" doesn't work in repairing marriages and it does not work for sexual issues either.

I see two aspects of your concern you need to address. The first is the possibility that he has an "addictive" personality like your ex did. A person with this personality is prone to become addicted to a variety of things pornography is just one of them. I won't pretend to tell you how to really address this so my recommendation is discuss it with a counselor. Further, your son could be aware of this, although it could be argued that you have planted seeds of excuses for future bad behavior. see a counselor.

As for his viewing porn, my personal feeling is not that it objectifies women, but it objectifies his own feelings. Many men have looked at porn, most still love their W's, most still prefer their W's and real life sex, and most are not adversely affected. But, what your son should know is that these are pictures and they do not convey the full range of the sexual interaction. For healthy sex, it seems to me that one needs the emotional connection, the emotional feedback, the tactile feedback, and the sense of pleasure one obtains from pleasing your partner. In short there is no "free love".

Your H's addiction may have many roots, I won't pretend to discuss or understand this, but it is clear he preferred to have no emotional or tactile interactions. So he did not experience the full range of the sexual interaction.

I have always thought that the reason we counsel our children (read teenagers) to avoid sex, is the issue of pregnancy and their inability to properly handle the emotional aspects of the sexual interaction. As they get older, they can handle it better. It is not the physical act that is the problem it is the consequences (pregnancy and emotional) that the kids are not prepared to handle.

I think you should discuss this aspect of sex with him. I think he needs to see porn as only feeding part of what he really is starting to become curious about and eventually will NEED. I think he needs to understand that true and real sexual interactions involve more than him and that they are good, but must wait for their time. I would suggest that he understand it is like buying a hamburger but not eating it, just looking at it while he is hungry but alergic to it. It is best not to have bought it at all.

I would worry that what he has seen (his father) will distort what is good. It is certainly a worry concerning what he can find on the net. Yet, if he understands how what he finds on the net is lacking, he might be less attracted to it.

I think denying that our world is based on sex selling, is silly. I think the thought that he will not see porn is silly.
I think the idea that he will find a woman that totally satisfies his sexual urges all of the time as silly.

He needs to have information that he can use to understand and address his normal urges in the face of the lack of opportunity to aleviate them.

I realize that you probably have thought about and perhaps addressed my concerns already with your son.

Children his age, especially boys, are hard to address because they are maturing earlier (age wise) physically, but emotionally nothing has changed. Further, the demands of society , make it prudent to not marry as young as people did a hundred years ago, thus leaving all of us parents in a quandary, just our parents were when we were going through these changes.

The solution in our family was lots of activities for both our sons and daughter, especially sports which burned off a lot of energy. My personal solution was also to not provide internet access to the kids. If they needed to do something on the net for school, I logged them in on my connection, supervised their searches and then logged them off.

THey all had computers when they went off to college and seem to have caught up with how to use them very quickly.

ONe of our friends asked, how can you deprive your children or even get them to accept their lack of internet access? I said it was simple: When asked for it, the answer was no. when the need for email was expressed, the answer was "use the phone or talk to them tomorrow in school." This lady then said: 'clearly you don't know much about computers." I laughed, I have been using computers since the 60's and spend my entire day using them and have for most of my adult life. The fact that I understood them and their power was the reason they did not have access.

So what is my point. Take a bigger view of what "sex" really is. Limit the temptation, by limiting access. Have honest discussions with him (you are doing this very well). And do not vilify his normal and natural urges. He is a normal healthy male, what he experiences will be normal and healthy. How he views it should be as well. What you want in my opinion is for him to realize that life is a team sport, and the needs and feelings of his team mates need to be considered and addressed.

Just some thoughts. I hope a least a few of them are useful to you.

God Bless,

JL

JL (who has been ignoring me, the diq) makes some good points.

I would add that "porn" is a multi-faceted medium that defies trite categorization. Can you find misogny? Yes. Can you find loving, soft lighted, erotic films couples should enjoy? Yes. I have enjoyted that immensely with my w at times.

Can you find porn that put women on a pedestal and men as inferior subjects? Yes.

So making sweeping comments about porn is like making sweeping comments about TV or movies.

Now, can a porn addiction draw one to oncreasingly harder, more edgy forms of sexual gratification. My rented midget says no. Reasonable people may disagree...