Remorseful is the understatement of the year. Yes. I feel like a murderer, and actually, I murdered my wife emotionally. That is very hard to live with. There was a brief period when I had suicidal thoughts, but that has not recurred. I always took the easy way out, but no more. That would be the easy way out. Just is not going to happen.

I have had individual counseling in the past for addictive behavior, but it never really touched on the underlying problem. I would certainly do it again with fresh eyes and the goal of bringing out the things that have contributed to ruining my private life and my wife's.

As long as there is hope for someone like me, I will stop at nothing to achieve it. I entered this forum looking for hope and and advice, nothing else. Being a physician gives me some advantage for seeing real pathology, even in myself, but it is also blinding in other ways. If I didn't need your advice, I would not be here. It is unfortunate that my wife is on this forum as well. I didn't know that until I had already found the site myself independently. It does seem like a setup for possible subterfuge or dishonesty, but we have already found that emailing each other with our thoughts and feelings has been helpful at this terrible time and seems to bypass some of the things that interfere with good communication . My posts are genuine here and have no ulterior motive.

Thanks, Mike. I appreciate your input.

Everything you say is obviously correct. I plan to do all the work for years if necessary and to attend a MB weekend. I know I have a LOT of work and a long journey ahead that will be frequently very difficult. As long as there is hope for someone like me and a chance to save our marriage, I plan to do what is necessary. If it fails, it won't be from a lack of long term effort.

I hold no pretense any longer when it comes to matters of the heart. Humility won't be a problem. As for your first question, I am not a man of faith, as far as standard religious views or involvement, but I have a spiritual side and certainly believe that that the universe is an intelligent place, and all things flow forth from a living intelligent spirit that religions refer to as God. A judgmental God, though, is not something that is easy for me to accept, so that leaves me out of most name-brand religions. Strangely though, in the last few months, in my darkest moments of grief and fear and remorse, I have found myself asking God to help me. Maybe we all become "people of faith" when we are in desperate straits and our sense of self evaporates.

Thanks, ML. I have downloaded and been studying all the material from the site, but have not ordered any books. My wife and I have already decided to attend an MB weekend as soon as we can arrange it.

Yes, as Mike mentioned, she is already here, though I didn't know that when I found the site independently. It makes it a little uncomfortable and does raise questions of whether this is manipulation. It is a reasonable suspicion, but I went to several sites, and this one had the most to offer from everything I have seen. In our case, it is coincidence, but I cannot expect anyone to accept that without question considering the circumstances. I do not even know her screen name here, yet.

The reason I asked about your faith is the first place to humble yourself is in front of God. Getting down on your knees and asking God for forgiveness is where you need to be IMHO. Then on your knees to your W asking for her forgiveness. Humility, GreenMile is probably difficult for a surgeon but that may be all that saves your marriage and your eternity.

How do you feel you were manipulated?

Did you see that the next MB weekend is next weekend?

I don't believe in coincidence. This site is a God given blessing.

I have done that. Both things. Humility is easy for me now. I have a pretty low opinion of the person I have been for so long.

No, I meant that it looks like I am doing the manipulating by being here as Mike suggested. I know it is not the case. We are both looking for support and help with this and ended up on this site.

Nothing about this entire circumstance is typical, but it helps a lot to know that other people with experience in these matters are pulling for us.

Hi GreenMile,

Such an appropriate name for a repentant wayward.
Walking the green mile will offer enlightenment if you are truly sincere.
Faithful Follower has been offering you some great insight, I hope you search out what she has advised.

Welcome.

I hope you will continue posting here. This forum has been a God send for my wife and me.

Please read this link:

Link to 4 rules of protection

Have you ruled out being bi-polar???

Your writing style has a waxing-on rhythm to it that I've seen before with bi-polars.

Your risky behavior is consistent with the diagnosis as is your ability to achieve a lucrative position.

I'm not trying to diagnosis you...just asking the question. A proper diagnosis can only be made absent all other addictions and being wayward for so long (which is an addiction of sorts) could mimic the disease. Thus...it may not be all that easy to make a diagnosis at this time since most waywards fight the definition of bi-polar when in an active or recently active affair...if that makes any sense.

Mr. Wondering

GM, read tst's story when you get the chance. His path to becoming a FORMER wayward is a good one to follow. One thing tst offered his BW was a postnuptial. That would go a long way in showing your W your are serious.

I will keep posting here, and I will go to the links. Thanks.

I have told her tonight that a post nuptual like that would be a great idea, and something I am more than willing to do, but she feels that matters like this should not be a matter of money. I see it not like that but as a way to show my sincerity and restore trust. Perhaps I can convince her.

I can rule that out, unequivocally. It is an interesting idea, but definitely does not apply here. I think addiction is closer to what the dynamics have been. I have always been a upbeat person, and the recent depression is reactive to the realization of what I have done and what kind of person I have been. I have lost my entire construct of who I am and what kind of person I am. The realization that I have been a self-centered, cruel, and emotionally impaired person for 61 years is a huge blow, and I have been very depressed about the damage I have caused. I am also scared [censored] about the possibility of losing my wife and being alone for the rest of my days. Since I am depressed and anxious, I am assuming that can be called anxiety-depression, but I am no psychiatrist.

A post nup is an AWESOME testimony to how far you are willing to go to prove to your W that she is worth everything you are saying she is.

Your W may be correct in that SHE feels this is not "worth money"...but I can pretty much guarantee that it IS worth what it says about your HEART and where you are in this process.

"You will get EVERYTHING we own should we divorce over my infidelity" not only helps to relieve her anxiety, it is also an encouragement to YOU to keep you on the straight and narrow and NEVER have C with the OW EVERAFREAKINGAIN.

KWIM???

Sounds like a perfectly normal place to be, considering all you've done.

You have some serious work ahead of you.

I hope you will follow through with the MB weekend coming up.

I would take it upon yourself to seek legal advice in drafting a post nup agreement. Your wife is obviously reeling from all of this. Every action you take that demonstrates protection and care for her will begin to help her heal.

There will be many ups and downs for her regardless of whether she wants this marriage, so makes plans to be in this for the long haul and respond with compassion and care every time.

I agree. Thanks. When she feels ready for that, I will not hesitate. It seems to be a conflict with her principles right now. Another thing we are going to do is get the chaperone software on our cell phones. Wife would be the "parent", and my phone the "child". That allows her to access by GPS wherever I am and see it on a map.

Thanks, TST. We have a conflict for this one coming up, but we are both free for the March 20-21 session, and we are checking on the availability of our animal caretaker for that weekend and plan to attend if she is available then. We are a little constrained by having horses, goats, dogs, cats, etc. who have to be fed each day, so it isn't easy to just drop everything and get away.

One good thing about all of these animals is that we take care of them together now and share this responsibility. It gives us hours each day, and we talk and work on things, even though it is often very difficult to deal with, especially on the down days. At least we have no problem spending our 15 hours per week with each other:) And that does not include the recreational things.

I deeply appreciate your input and everyone else's. I don't feel so alone, and neither does she, so it is a definite lifeline right now. I will be reading your story tomorrow.

would that hold up in court?

talk about co-ersion...

OK, so you supported another woman lover for 6 years. How much money was that? $200,000.00 or so total?

Did you pay for an apartment and a car for her? Her food and clothings too?

Well here's what you could do.

Add it all up and tell your wife the monetary figure you blew on the other woman. Then, write your wife a check for the same amount.

You wasted your family's money on the OW, you should be put in jail for that.

That is if your posts are real......