I consider a rebound relationship one you get into when you have just broken up with someone you have been with for a long time. My question (well my two questions are) after a 14 year marriage and divorce:

1. What if you have BEEN dating since separation (maybe several times, but nothing beyond 3 dates with each at the most) and then find someone you "click" with. Is that rebounding?

2. If you have been alone for a year, have done some soul searching and "click" instantly with the first person you meet when you start dating again?

What do you all think?

I think a rebound relationship is one you get into simply out of a fear of being alone. A person you are with only to make yourself feel whole again. That's why people say it's important to spend some time alone after the split of a long-term relationship, because you're so used to being with someone, that you may end up with someone wrong for you because you're blinded by the 'feels like home' quality of simply being with someone.

I think your questions could be answered with a big "Maybe." Depends on the place the person is in mentally.

I think rebound relationships can be good or bad. Usually they're bad because the people having them don't realize they're in a rebound situation, or they can't maintain their boundaries. They don't have an honest or clear understanding of why they're doing what they're doing. To them, they've been emotionally saved because, lo and behold, they've really found The One this time! And why not? After all the grief they've just been through, fate, or poetic justice, or the law of averages makes it seem reasonable that after so much bad luck, they'd finally have some good luck. Right???

Nah...

I'll probably get two-by-four'd here, but -I think- that a temp rebounder with some clearly defined boundaries can offer some benefits, -in certain situations-, provided both people in the rebound see it for what it is and they're O&H about their long term prospects (meaning, there probably aren't any). These benefits can include the temp meeting of certain emotional needs (especially if some of those needs haven't been met in a long time).

I will say that it's very dangerous to try it, and a lot of people will justify their actions the same as drugs and alcohol: "I know what I'm doing and I can quit it anytime I want." That's not often the case though in either situation, so it's best to avoid them if you are at all unsure of your own emotional state.

I read somewhere that it is not uncommon to have several rebound relationships after divorce. They are basically characterized by their intensity and intimacy (not necessarily physical). When you are badly wounded after divorce, the new relationship not only soothes the wounds, but fills a whole variety of ENs to where they overflow - even those ENs you never knew you had. The intensity comes from this effect - not from the actual person you are in a RR with. Eventually, those wounds resurface and your need for those ENs reduces. The allure of this person starts to fade and you see them for who they really are. Often they are wounded just like you. The odds of the 2 of you actually being right for one another are - well, probably less than winning the lottery.

Because of the intensity, loss of a rebound relationship can hurt even more than the primary relationship. This is why they are not recommended. However, at some point you are going to start dating and once you do, you open yourself up to the possibility of meeting your rebound. The more you have healed before this happens, the less you will need the soothing power of that intense relationship to feel normal. And the less likely you will crash. Though I think most people do crash a little in their first relationship or 2 after a traumatic divorce - even if they waited a long time.

So the answer to your questions could be yes to both, but it would really depend.

Oh no, I think I am in a rebound relationship. I thank all of you for your advice. I met the guy I am with now after dating several others once or twice.

I left my marriage of 14 years almost 2 years ago, but secretly hoped to reconcile one day (foolishly thought he would miss me and try to work things out), but HE got involved with someone else.

This new guy is the polar opposite of my ex - he treats me like a beautiful, precious, sexy woman and I am loving every minute of it; BUT, he has no ambition and has a lot of insecurities that I am just starting to discover (after almost 4 months). It's sad really, because he is a very nice man. I get the intensity thing. I needed it after all the years of being miserable and neglected.

I think you're in a rebound relationship, too. You see the downfalls, but you're high on the good stuff.

Enjoy your good stuff, but be careful you don't throw your good after bad, okay?

I am thankful for this tread!!! I just got out of my first "real" relationship after my divorce. I honestly didn't consider it my rebound because I had in intense emotional connection with a male friend who I actually really fell for. When we quit talking, because of a mis-understanding, and me getting upset because we had a coffee date planned and he went out on another date, he saw it as a red flag and stopped talking to me. I was very hurt, but realized, hey, I still have stuff to work on....He and I talked for a year, getting very close, sharing so much and I started to care very much for him....again, the emotional connection we had was there. There was never anything physical, maybe a few dates and a few hugs. That's it.

Well, 4 months later, I meet someone new. The one who I just ended things with.... I was wanting to take things VERY slow, but in the end, it SO INTENSE!!!! We were exchanging feelings, hopes dreams and talked often about meeting eachother's children. Something happend, then all of a sudden, we are no longer seeing one another, and it hurts like HELL. I feel like my heart was ripped out....Really. It is true that they say it is harder, or re-hashes feelings from my divorce. It's only been a few days, but I find myself always thinking about him, and going through emotions again. I told myself that I never wanted to let anyone in, because 2 times I did....With #1 it was all emotional. #2 it both emotional and physical.

For me, I think both were rebounds...I was looking for what I was missing....but I wonder if a rebound can actually be avoided??

I have to agree, both my rebound and I were still fresh out of relationships...the intensity of it all was there, but after the realities of life started to settle in, both of us with kids, and the fears of getting hurt, we both went running scared....He began to push me away, and I just couldn't take that so I kept saying I was done and wouldn't put up with it.....Some of the same habits I displayed in my marriage. I would want to run, then later come back . He started to pull away, and realized too that he has not fully healed....

He did me a favor, as I did him by deciding to really stop the "relationship" we had...because in the end, we both were just hurt...horribly!

I wonder the same thing, actually. We try to avoid them, even wait extra long before getting involved, but they happen all the time. It's almost as if you have to go through this in order to progress to a state where you can date maturely.

Tabby,
You put into words a feeling I couldn't define.
I sent your earlier post to the man I'm seeing.

When are needs haven't been met for so long - it becomes so intense. But can we trust our own feelings? I think that is where I worry. I seem to have trust issues, with myself and others.

A friend says that you can't gauge a relationship until past 4-6 months, after the infatuation stage. I can see that is better for me.

I have explained MB to my beau. He's led marriage counseling groups, so he says the concepts are similar - just different wording.

I think for those of us who have been through the wringer, it will take time to trust again. That's why I"m so proud and amazed at our MB friends who have chosen to open up and love again. And I'm thinking of our friend who did so only to have her heart broken. Yet she seems to have risen above. GG, thanks for being there to guide us.

Do tell about the beau, Newly.

Actually, I'm still amazed I'm in a relationship.
I feel so unready. Tabby's post put into words some of what I've been thinking.

Met him at an even listed on a dating site. We both seemed interested. We realized later that we never would have met based on our profiles on the site. Each was seeking someone different, but we clicked. So after many conversations, we're dating.

He's taken the time to really think about what he wants in a mate. He's done alot of emotional work. I realize that I hadn't/ still haven't determined my "ideal" mate. I think that is why I am somewhat reticent. Am I seeing the true person, or am I seeing what I want to see? A friend says that it takes 4-6 months before the true person comes out.

He was away for the first month we spoke. I think this helped me get to know him through emails and telephone calls more than if we physically dated. I needed the distance to trust my own instincts. He was home for 6 weeks and is gone again.

I did introduce him to my kids and they shocked me with how much they like him. So we've each met the kids and done things together, all 6 of us. And everyone gets along. My kids keep asking when he's coming home. They seem to like having him around. (which shocks me since I've been protective in introducing them to only one other person).

So that's what's up with me. Back to dating from afar. Which suits me just fine for now.