Well it's been 9 months since d day. I'm sure it's completely over with the om and my wife's withdrawals. My wife has been treating me well as I have her. I still think about the A but not as much. Still think to much about getting even with the OM. I didn't put much blame on the OM in the beginning, but when he contacted my wife 4 months into recovery to try and score, that put me over the top. Still getting counseling off and on. My wife is just now not resisting it. Some thing she has said a few times is that she is sorry that she hurt me, but not about the affair???? I have not seen remorse. I believe she truly wants things to work out, but would rather pretend it didn't happen in the process. I would like to ask her what her thoughts are about different aspects of the A. Mainly if she realizes at this point what a piece of crap the OM is. What does she feel on the rare occasions that she sees him. (delivering beer where she works)
When the A was discovered she insisted on writing him a goodbye letter that I did not approve of and in that letter she had wrote that is was the "best sex ever" which hurt me deeply. I know that because of the excitement of the A it probably felt like the best ever, but I can guarantee you I was no better physically than she has ever had. How can I compete with her memory of how it felt with the OM (they only had sex once)knowing that it was intensified by the excitement of the affair and the chance of replicating that feeling with someone you have been married to for 32 years is near impossible. Her statement about the sex and the fact that the OM thought so little of what I might do if he was caught is still killing my self esteem. Everybody at my wife's work found out about the affair, what do they think of me? I hold my head up every where I go, but it's just a show, inside I feel so small.

Stillsad - I really don't think you can just let this go and hope that things get better. You need to talk to your wife about these things with a counselor. After going through the pain of an affair, you deserve a marriage that is much better than the one before.

As far as a ONS with a schmuck being the best sex she ever had, it sounds like she was still very foggy. That could never compare with long term, intimate, married SF.

You have a good head on you Believer. Perhaps you can answer a similar question for me. The same question actually, with a different parameter value:

Instead of ONS insert VLTA. How does a BH rationalize away the best sex she ever had when it went on for a decade?

Is there an MB imprimatur answer?

There's no way to come to terms with this. You have to ask yourself as a BS if you're willing to be with someone who feels that she's settling by being with you.

10 year affair would be a bit much for me to overcome. Don't think I could forgive that.

A few weeks of craziness is forgivable. 10 years means that she's downright evil to use you as a husband and get her fix on the side in total violation of her vows.

10 years of lies?

I have no idea how you can overcome that.

Ap,

I was reading this and thought I would offer an opinion, nothing more really.

You asked

I don't know that there is.




I don't see how you can rationalize it away. I am not sure you would want to really. Since I presume your W still feels this way and clearly with a VLTA there was a lot of fantasy, you don't rationalize it in my opinion.

You either accept it as fact or a lie to hurt you. That is my black and white answer. After you do that, you have to decide if being married to her is worth the cost and if your failure to offer her "the best sex she ever had" harms your marriage in a way either of you cannot deal with. It really is your call rather than her call.

Just a thought or two.

God Bless,

JL

Stillsad,

Believer's suggestion to speak with her about your view of yourself and the marriage is an excellent one. This might take place with the counselor present as the counselor might be able to direct the conversation better.

At 9 months most BS feel pretty much as you do. One year is a big deal as we humans tend to mark things by what we were doing last year, and in your case last year was not a year you want to mark anything with.

I don't think you compete with OM. I thik you set your boundaries, and your goals for the marriage and if they are not met, you reevaluate. You see she has to compete with your memory of her a cheating lying W. If she cannot overcome that, then it really doesn't matter where OM sits in the picture. You must realize there is no accounting for peoples taste. Some have terrible taste, OM would be a prime example.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Believer. These things have been talked about sometime or another, but with time the questions change and new ones surface. I'm not sure I should continue to bring up the affair.

Here's a little more detail. My first post was me whining because my marriage isn't perfect yet.

I do believe that my wife wants this to all work out. We saw a counselor last week. She was reluctant to go, as she has been. The reason for going was not really the affair, but her lack of desire or inability to be emotionally intimate. My wife harbors a lot of resentment,tons towards me but also others.

Through out most of our marriage I was always right and used biting sarcasm all the time. I believe my wife finally just gave up and suppressed her feelings and the resentment started piling up.

My wife has been very selfless all her life. She is the kind that remembers everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, very empathetic towards everyone (until recently). I believe she was so beaten down by me and disappointed by others she finally threw in the towel.

I know who she is and she is worth going through the affair. I just have a hard time because I want her heart and mind so bad.

I believe she is afraid to face the resentment pent up in her and and face what she has done. I have never, in 32 years seen my wife ball her eyes out.

Believe me I know she is trying,this probably more about me not getting what I want in the time frame I want it.

This whole event has opened my eyes more than ever as to the wonderful person I had in my life and didn't take care of. I love her more than ever, but if can't capture her heart again, I don't believe I could stay married regardless of how well she treats me.

It sounds like you are saying that she still sees her OM. As long as she is still seeing him at her work, she has not gone through withdrawal. She is still foggy. For your marriage to fully recover, she needs to have No Contact with her OM. The fact that she wrote a letter to him and told him it was the best sex ever is further proof of her fogginess. She has not fully committed to your marriage and that is most likely a big reason why you are having difficulty obtaining the intimacy with her that you desire.

He still tried to hit on her four months after the end of the A. That is a strong message that she needs to get NC with the scumbag. Your feelings are rational. She needs No Contact. Then maybe she will be able to realize that she was just sex for that creep. I am sorry that you have these thoughts to live with, they should be resolved in order for you to feel whole again.

I don't get it. I just read your other thread. You state that you still see the guy around town. In this thread, you say that your wife still sees him at her work. So she still has as much contact with him as when they started the A. Even if she has put herself in some situation at work to reduce the times she sees him, she still sees him. She is still in contact.

Now, you wonder why your recovery is not going as well as you might hope. In your other thread you say that you do not want to move because in part you do not want him to control your actions. But the affair is still eating away at you and your wife and your marriage. What has Dr. Harley said about all this when you have spoken to him?

Since no contact is usually a big part of recovery and you and your wife still have contact and recovery is not progressing well----Why aren't you taking action to have No Contact for both you and your wife? Really, I wonder if you can express what your reasoning is for this? I am not trying to be sarcastic or cruel. Just wondering if you can clarify this?

SS, I hope you are in counseling with someone who KNOWS HOW TO SAVE MARRIAGES who can turn this around. My emphasis is due to the fact that most don't know how to save marriages and are nothing more than divorce faciliators.

Both you and your wife have crippled your marriage through lovebusters, not meeting needs and with extreme giving and extreme taking. Your W has caused just as much damage to your marriage with her extreme giving.

As you can see, it LED TO THE RESENTMENT that made her feel like she was entitled to an affair. The thinking goes like this: "I give and give and give and get nothing in return. Damn him anyway! I am entitled to make myself happy for once!" Extreme givers grow into EXTREME TAKERS. That is usually how it goes.

The sacrifice you extol here has DAMAGED your marriage, not helped it. Your wife has grown into an extreme taker who is seething with resentment because she did not set proper boundaries and tell you when she was bothered about something. That is a sure fire killer of a marriage just as much as your biting sarcasm.

Unless all this is addressed by a KNOWLEDGABLE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR [an extreme rarity] your marriage probably won't recover and you may end up divorced. MC have the most dismal track record of any of the counseling disciplines at 84% FAILURE. That is tantamount to malpractice if you ask me.

If I were you, I would get into the MB program and use their program because it can correct what ails your marriage. They really do know how to save marriages.

And to lakes very critical question: has your wife ended ALL CONTACT with the OM?

Never mind! I read his other thread and he already knows all this because he is counseling with the Harleys.

SS, are you using the MB program as Dr Harley instructed??

SS,

I'm thoroughly confused as to why you allow your WW to continue to have contact with OM?


And if you are afraid to ask, when you need answers, you will feel like this for the rest of your life. Your WW's job is to be completely open and honest about everything you ask, whether it makes her uncomfortable or not. This would be the attitude of a completely remorseful WW. Your's, IMHO, is not that!

Why have you not insisted that WW quit her job where she continues to have contact with OM? Is there something about complete and utter no contact for the rest of their lives that escapes you?

Also, the letter your WW scribed to OM. Plese tell me you did not allow her to send this! That was a letter written by a fogged out WW, not a remorseful W. I hope you see and understand this.

Sighhhh. And this is because you believe every word from a person who has demonstrated how untrustworthy she is?
IMHO, your WW has done nothing to earn the F before her WW status and that is why your recovery is at ground zero. SS, plan hope is not a workable plan that will save your M. You need to insist and define your boundaries for R and your WW is either all in or not. Thus far, she has not demonstrated that she is even on the same page as you. You will not recover from this if things stay status quo. She's not even on board yet!

Time to let your WW know that the train is leaving the station, and this is her last chance to get on board, IMO.

9 months since dday, and ground zero for recovery. Your not crazy or something, she is not on board.

Things in your R need to change, and rapidly. Counsel with the Harleys, and get this R on a fast track. You have my sympothies.

All Blessings,
Jerry