My husband and I were married 14 years in September 08. We have two daughters, 9 and 5. Our marriage has been suffering from years. My husband has not been interested in our relationship (for what seems like forever) and I have been very bitter and angry over it.

This summer (around early August) I felt the need to check out my husband's email. I found several personal emails with a gal (sales rep that he worked with at another company 10+ years ago). They weren't deeply personal or really flirty but they were not strictly business either. They had met for lunch once or twice and he had asked her to get together after work on a Friday evening. Which didn't happen but he would have had to lie to me about it. He was very sorry and told me they were just chatting for work, etc. And he wouldn't contact her again - and he claims he hasn't. He felt like it was a good thing that I found out and that we would start working on our marriage. We did for a few days but I had to go out of town to stay with my mom for a few days and when I returned everything was the same as before. We were going along and everything seemed normal.

Then in October, he had to travel out of the country for a week and a half. When he got in I ran up to hug him and kiss him and he acted like he couldn't care less. I was upset but didn't think much about it. The next weekend, I took a look at his email again. There were emails on there between him and our married neighbor. He deleted them before I could read them - later he told me it was because he had said unkind things about me (true or not, I don't know) - but I read "I miss you already" on there. I have no idea if it was from her or him because we had a huge fight the instant I read it. As we discussed it the next day, he said they had emailed back and forth regarding her husband. When it started, they had been separated and he was coming back into the home. The husband had been diagnosed with depression (my husband has that too) so he offered to talk to her about it. On Sunday and Monday after I found out, my husband said that was all there was to it and that they just emailed about her husband. I told him that we could work it out and thought that I could handle that. I still felt uneasy about it...so on that Wednesday I checked his cell phone log and there was huge amounts of calls and text messages between them. I mean huge amounts. 10-15 calls a day. Text messages galore. 85 minute phone call when when he was on a layover in an airport on his way home from his trip - when I was home waiting on him, missing him, preparing our home for him to return. Calls 1st thing in the morning. Late at night. Calls on Sunday morning when I was upstairs getting our children ready for church...he was down there calling her. Sometimes it was call after call after call. I lost it. I went to his office and confronted him in the parking lot. I shook all day.

He told me and still holds to this that nothing physical happened besides them talking out in the yard around our houses. (I had discovered this and asked him at least FIVE times about his involvement with her and he lied to me about that too). He tells me that he could just talk to her and "I enjoyed talking to her". He said he had no feelings for her. That she would advise him on situations in our marriage and he did the same thing for her. That he still loves me and all that.

I don't know whether to believe him. I want to because I want all that to be true. I can handle that. But I am afraid to believe him. I am afraid of being blindsided with something else. I am so angry that he would betray me like that. I told him that was an emotional affair and that it was wrong but he still seems to feel like he didn't really do anything all that wrong. He admits that he shouldn't have done it but doesn't feel like it was all that bad. He gave her time and interest...something that, for a long time, he has been unwilling to give me. He gave her a part of himself that belonged to me. He cheated our relationship. He destroyed my trust in him. He has made me loathe this neighbor...having feeling for another human being that I didn't think I ever would have. Who knows where that could have led!!!! Now, he has left me feeling fearful. I feel like he judges how I look, how I dress, how I talk, everything about me and compares it to her. I hate to think what he said about me to her. How bad he made me look. I am also fearful about what feelings she had/has for him. What was she really thinking? How does she feel about him now? What if her marriage breaks up, would she come after my husband?

He emailed her the night I first found the email and told her that I had found out and not to email him again. Well, she called him Monday at work. When I found the phone calls, he called her and said to stop communicating with him. I also texted her and said to never talk to, email him or call him. I was so mad that day. Well, a few weeks ago, she called him at work when her car was stolen out of their driveway. I think she wanted to talk to him or wanted to get some sympathy from him like she used to (according to him, she didn't that day) because I feel there was no reason for her to call him....they could have let us know in numerous other ways without her having to call him. The day I found out about the calls...I went to our cell provider and blocked her numbers from my husband's cell phone. That means calls and text messages can not be made between her home or cell and my husband's cell phone.

I live in fear every day. Fear that my husband is lying to me about what happened and what went though his heart and mind. Fear that he is secretly contacting her again and/or they are planning to be together. He tells me I am being irrational and conjuring up scenarios but I can't help it. The worst thing is he gets angry at me when I try to talk about it. He tells me he is sick of talking about it. I feel like how dare he feel angry or inconvenienced about my being hurt when he has no idea what I am going through...it doesn't compare.

We are going to see a minister/counselor at our church this week. I don't know what do to. I wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again. I cringe when he gets a phone call. I check his phone from time to time and get so nervous that I am going to find something there. So far....nothing.

Any advice, ideas, words???? Thank you for letting me get that off my chest with to someone who understands.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. So glad you have found us.

Your starting point is Plan A, where you show him what a great wife you could be, find out his emotional needs and meet them. It also includes exposing the affair.

You need to let the neighbor's husband know about the emotional affair, phone contact, texts, and inappropriate personal conversations.

Also your husband needs to write her a no contact letter, saying that he loves you, wants to work on the marriage, that their relationship was a big mistake, and he never wants to talk to her again for any reason.

Hang in there, all of this can be turned around, where you end up with a better marriage than ever.

I have not yet read about all the plans and such. But is it a necessity to expose the relationship to her spouse? He is very volatile. He has bipoler disorder and can be violent (throwing things, etc - according to my husband). He has a very confrontational personality. I would feel very uncomfortable doing anything now that would allow him to find out - supposing he doesn't already know.

If he is lying to you about the relationship he had with that woman, he's likely also lying to you about the womans' spouse.

Welcome to MB...I am happy you found this website, but sad for you at the same time. I remember those first days and weeks vividly....

I am not going to say this to freak you out, but do want you to be aware that I heard these same things:

I heard this for 3 weeks before he finally admitted the truth. He even repeated to me over and over that he was not even attracted to her (this part is still true, he has told me this numerous times over the past 3 years).

My H also wouldn't even call it an EA and got MAD when I said it WAS an EA.

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sunflower, that is probably a lie designed to keep you silent. Do you think its ok for them to harm this man behind his back and NOT warn him? How will he protect himself from his victimizers, his wife and your H?

He is being exposed to STDs and cannot protect himself or even have the same chance as you to save his marriage. If he has a mental illness then it is even more imperative that he know what is being done to him. To NOT tell him is cruel.

And don't worry about him being "violent." The OW knows him best and she is not worried about it or she wouldn't be doing things that are sure to raise his ire. But it is most likely a LIE anyway.

OW are liars and typically manufacture an "abusive" husband in order to pimp some sympathy and rationalise their affair. It is a CLASSIC bullcrap story that we have heard 100 times. It makes no sense since the adultery would only make them MORE "abusive." He is more likely to get violent if he is LIED TO anyway.

He has to know the truth so he can protect himself and so that he can watch his wife from that end. Exposure to him will be the start of recovery for BOTH marriages.

There is absolutely no legitimate reason NOT to tell him. Sure, your H might be mad but that is no reason not to do it.

Sunflower, exposure is your most potent weapon against this affair. It ruins the fantasy of the affair when others know about it. Affairs thrive on SECRECY and keeping their affair secret like you have has only PROLONGED IT. I suspect he has just gone further underground and they really believe you won't expose them. You are enabling the affair by doing this.

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience specializing in adultery and here is what he says:

"I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

Agree with ML, you must expose...I thought you already had (read too many new stories tonight, I guess).

Tell her H, at least you will security that HE can be looking out on that end as well. That is a nice benefit to you...you need the extra eyes.

My discovery day was April 23rd, H packed up and left. He returned 3 days later for a "visit". He was so upset that he broke it off with her destroyed their secret phone and came home, but I had not found SAA or this site at the time. He was here for 2 weeks and I believe he went back to her within 3 days of being home.

But what I want to get to is for 3 days he was somewhat "defogged" and here is what he said. He said,"Its like your in a fog and some kind of fantasy and you think that it can work but then you come out of it and you realize that it can't".

So you see the fog and fantasy is real to these betraying spouses. You must expose with out advance notice to destroy the fantasy and bring some reality to them and do it immediately.

My H said something like that early on, before I found MB as well.

He also talked about how it felt like some sort of "weird addiction" without ever hearing about MB or anything.

Thank you for all of your responses. I wanted to add some and answer some things that you all brought up to me.

First of all, I am fairly certain my husband never had any physical contact with this woman. We have been going through this since late October. Over all this time, he seems like he is telling me the truth on that one. I truly don't think he would ever do something like that to me. It mostly consisted of talking in our yards - they are our next-door neighbors - and phone conversations. I also highly doubt that the phone calls were ever sexual in nature. He is really not that type -- I realize full well that I am making an assumption here.

Also, these are our next-door neighbors. Our children often play together. It is not a big deal right now because we are not outside that much due to winter weather. However, when it first happened, I told my older daughter that she had to stop playing (I didn't give her a reason) but she was devastated. I don't know how to stop that relationship or if I have to. I let her play and send her with walkie-talkies so that I don't have to have contact. I have not and will not ever talk to this woman again. I don't trust her. Moving is not an option right now although I would love to. My husband has spoken to her on occasion b/c he has had to get our child from their house. I have allowed that to happen b/c it is the lesser evil than me having to speak to her - in my mind. How can I handle that relationship? I have told my husband not to talk to her, wave at her, etc. She has tried to chit-chat and he agreed that he would tell her that he is not going to engage in conversation with her again. It hasn't come up again so he has not told her.

I still don't know if exposing this to the husband is a good idea. I know him fairly well and I know he is the violent type. I am sure he is either an alcoholic or on the verge of that. He is not a very nice person. My husband has agreed to write her a letter with on email with my involvement telling her what you all advised that he wants no contact with her in the future whatsoever. When she called about the stolen van, his employee/friend listened via speaker phone b/c he was in the office b/c my H wanted to be accountable. I also don't know if I can handle exposing this to many people. I am very embarrassed and sensitive about it. I don't really want to talk about it to many people. I have two very close girlfriends and have told one of them (the other is very judgmental and I can't handle her comments). He told his parents about the relationship. There is no way I will tell my mother b/c she couldn't handle it emotionally. I can't do that to her.