Julie, just set them down alone and tell them the marriage is not going to work because of their dad's drinking and you are getting divorced. Tell them you made a mistake getting back with their dad with no plan of recovery for his drinking. If you both tell a side, then the kids are forced to figure it out on their own. I have no doubt your H will spin the story so just tell them the truth and leave it at that.

I am bothered that you are attributing this decision to divorce all to him. Didn't you say many times you would not stay married to him if he drank? And didn't he drink? So why is all this being initiated by HIM and not you?

I agree with MEL. Who cares who initiates the divorce. The MARRIAGE has not been working because of his drinking.

One of you has to step up to the plate to end the marriage.

That person who brings the divorce can be YOU or it can be HIM or it can be YOU BOTH. What is stopping you from bringing the divorce here?

I would not allow him to spin the story to the kids. That will just confuse them. He is going to lie to them anyway about the reasons. Its better to get them the truth so they can weigh his "story" through a lens of TRUTH.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm............because he drank on 12/19. So, to say we are divorcing because of that is clearly not true, given this is nearly 30 days later. They know he drank then, and that I "forgave" him and that he's now to "abide" by a list of "rules" that I gave him w/the help of many on this site. Yes yes, YES I will tell them that I was wrong, that I made a mistake, and that I am sorry for letting this happen to THEM again.

The actual decision to divorce comes as a result of the conversation earlier this week in which STBXH tole me he's no longer invested & doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

I see what you're saying but I don't know that I have the right to muddy the waters more. KWIM?? But I'm asking for your help so if there's any way you're willing to help me understand...

OK. I'll do it. Just like last time. I'll have to sneak them away but I can do that. After her performance but before we're home, when he plans to sit them down. Thanks ladies.

I see. So when you told him you wouldn't stay married to him if he drank, you didn't really mean that?

Well, I wasn't prepared to stick to my word! Obviously didn't think I'd be put in a position to be a man of my word - because I trusted him to be a man of his.

But you seem to think, "your father is asking for a divorce..." isn't the right message either?

Julie, do you think your H believes you will take him back and stay with him on ANY terms?

DD & I were just talking about boundaries yesterday. She's got a grandmother who continues to disrespect here, hurt her feelings, put her in uncomfortable positions. H & I resolved recently (before all the D-talk) that we were going to sit this grandma down since DD hasn't been able to get thru to her. Yesterday, DD said to me, "well, how about you don't talk to her for now - but if it happens again then yea I'll need you to step in."

I told her that's just like me telling H "ONE MORE TIME" when once is already too much. That we teach ppl how to treat us and it won't change unless we set a healthy boundary and also consequences. So, in DD's case, her grandmother either stops treating her as "just a kid, doesn't know anyway" or DD stops spending unsupervised time w/her.

Possibly. I came close to it, earlier this week! (I did stop myself though. It was right around the time he said "I like me with a long beard & mohawk" and I almost said, "So grow a beard and mohawk then..." but I actually want a responsible (sober!) husband, not a wannabe-rockstar, walking-mid-life-crisis (drunk) boy!)

But you need to understand: he does not want this M anymore. No way, no how. So that is off the table anyway. And thank God it is, because I cannot afford to sell myself or my kids short anymore!

I have to go, sorry. Need to get to DD's performance. Will catch up when I return. Thanks for your help so far today. I'll have a talk with the kids when she's done, before we get home & H gets to them. Hopefully I can muster something logical.

I do understand, Julie. And I can't tell you how much it bothers me that he made that decision instead of you. He is driving the boat and not you.

Do you think that motivates you to try to get him to stay at all cost?

NO!

Told the kids.

ETA: You're right, I should have ended this by showing him the paperwork a month ago, as a result of the slip-up. But I didn't. Yes, I guess he is driving the bus now. No way I can really change that, nor will I try to, as the end result is the necessary result. But I do see the "shift of power".

Julie,

You need to stand up for you and your children. How do you know that H will follow-through with the D? You seem to be on board and saying it's the right decision but it seems from my vantage point that you are only saying this because you believe he has made that decision. I'm concerned that if he came back tommorrow and told you that he no longer wanted a D that you would take him back again. Sorry, but I don't see in your posts that you are thinking clearly. Have you gone to see a lawyer? Are you taking steps to plan your life without H? I hope you can do what's best for you and the children. Be strong. Life doesn't have to be like this. He's crossed your boundaries to many times. Take control of your life and situation and move on. You need it. Your children need it even more. Do it for all of you.

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Hi MS,

Thank you for your post. As I seem to have been in the state of confusion for about a week now, your statement of me not thinking clearly is fair.

I'm not seeking a lawyer because at this point we are doing OK handling things on our own. I will hire one if that changes. I suppose I've been prepared to live w/o him all this while, even though it took me a day of grief & anger to realize it. When I'm honest with myself, he hasn't been much of a contributor to the family/household since the start of (false) recovery in Oct.

Life doesn't have to be like this and the only way I can see it being different is D. This was stated several times over the 3 years I've been on this site. Because, whether I'm good or bad with my own boundaries, STBXH doesn't respect them anyway. I do not see a way for M to R.

How am I not standing up for my children? What would you have me to do differently? YES it is true STBXH is moving forward with D (told me this morning he PD $200 to "fast-track" it) but NO I would not take him back tomorrow if he changed his mind. Whether he does or not, which I don't believe he will, me & my kids need some peace and a GOOD life - so yes I consider myself to be on board with this.

For 10+ yrs, I have been (allowed myself to be) lied to, cheated on, abused, stolen from, disrespected, called names, hurt, and of course questioned my own sanity. My marriage never was good, I (we) only had spurts of wishfully thinking it to be so. I've apologized to my children and they are rightfully mad at both of us. I cannot see how anyone would think there is something to salvage or how me "allowing" this D is not in the best interests of all parties involved - especially my kids.

Confusion continues, but d*mn if I'm not trying to make this right...

Julie, has he moved out yet? What is the plan there?

And how do you feel about him leaving? Are you going to be able to handle it?

That is about the most honest thing I have heard you say. And I know it was hard for you. WOW!

Well, I guess I basically knnew it all along...but always thought maybe this time...or something. And so did my kids! But we've all learned there ain't no this time. It wasn't hard for me to admit it, it's been in my head all week. I just first now let y'all know about it. :MrEEk:

He sure hasn't moved out yet. At first, I wasn't pushing him out, (NOT because I was hoping he'd stay) but 1) after this morning, I feel I need to do that as he is growing more and more disrespectful/unreasonable. Says he has no money for me (I told him I need $200) yet he continues to live, eat, sleep & do laundry @home!? and 2) I get the feeling from the ppl here that I need to TAKE A STAND and/or assert my "power" in this, if you will.
Mel, were you going to suggest I put him out? What are YOUR feelings on that?

See, this is another weakness of mine: I take direction really well, to a fault. I seek direction. I NEED direction.

ETA: YES I can handle him leaving! Honestly, I almost look forward to it. I don't like his mama, his sister, his friends, the way they all think **I** am the effed-up one here, I don't like his habits, his attitude, his presence...Don't get me wrong, we had some good times recently, but as you know, it's not the "real" him and it's not a him that he wants to be. So, this is the inevitable. OH well!

ETA again: I've been LETTING him live, eat, sleep & do laundry home. WTF am I doing?! He should get out, huh!?

Julie,

I have to admit...you are a tough one to read. Of course, reading between the lines of a bunch of postings on a message board is always challenging. I cannot quite put my finger on it but something keeps telling me that you are not ready/willing to enforce boundaries yet. You are saying some things on this board that should be said but for some reason I just don't get the feeling you are in the right place mentally to stand up to your H and force your boundaries. I could be wrong and if that's the case then my apologies. I just get a feeling. That's why I posted my last post to you to try to implore you to stand up for yourself and your children. Enforce your boundaries and realize that you are a strong person and you can have a great life without the terrible H that you currently have right now. I have to imageine that this roller coaster ride has been extremely difficult for your children as well. They have not been allowed to get to a new 'normal' because the family make-up keeps changing. First H is out then he is in now he is out again. That's gotta be very tough on the kids! It's time to take a stand for you and your children. Enforce your boundaries. Life can and will get better once you do!! It will take time and it won't be easy but you can do it!!

Best of luck!

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