Stella, you KNOW this for sure? T2L has been very realistic about things and I applaud her efforts... for standing strong for her family... for her faith.

My husband lived with his OW and we were days away from divorce. We are now HAPPILY recovered and our marriage is stronger than it has ever been in 31 years.

Not every situation is hopeless.

Thanks PM I do feel that I have been realistic. I do not lie to myself or my children. I do have hope and continue to pray for him tho its pretty hard. But I fully know that it can go either way as even God will not force my H. I keep praying that God will move on him they way he did with Apostle Paul. That's all I can do and wait. My H needs to be humbled, and the Plan B is the only way. This needs to happen whether or not we recover so he can be a good example of humility to my son. I always felt that tho there were some minor problems and H had some underlying issues that we had something real. Funny thing is the ring tone on my cell phone for him was that old song, "Ain't nothing like the real thing baby, ain't nothing like the real thing". Every time he called that's what I would here. He said he was living a lie, mostly with church I think is the way he meant it. But I thought for the most part our life was real. IDK.


BTW everyone I added a link in my signature to an email address to where you can contact me off forum if ya have anything you want to run by me, in support of my efforts to recover the marriage, of course...LOL itstrying2live@gmail.com If you want to discourage me, I ask at this point don't bother.

Went for a great walk this morning. DD17 just left for the day and I am sure DS10 is going to be at friends for a while so I am going to pop on some music and clean up and head to the library. That book you guys recommended me came in. Its called This Present Darkness. I requested another book that came in to on eating healthy to improve your metabolism.

Anyways I am solo again today, feel okay about it right now its mostly the nights and bed time that make it hard.

Its lovely here in Cali. Its breezy and 75 degrees. We can literally wear shorts! I love it, I'm not much of a cold weather snow lover. I do love snow but mostly from looking out a window in a cabin LOL does that count?

Hey T2L, getting ready to take D15 out to the mall to get her a dress for the Valentine's dance. I will be flying solo that night. Anyone interested in having a get together? teehee.

Wow, stella was a little harsh but it is an opinion only. I have been reading some of these success stories (Princessmeggy for one) and it was a wild ride that you would think some of them would EVER reconcile and did.

It is not the waywards to say "enough", it is OUR choice when we say enough. Till then we will continue to support each other no matter what decision we make.

Get out in the sun. It is finally sunny here. Last few days have been dreary like my mood.

Take care.. whoa whoa.

I'm sorry for invading your thread Trying, although I have been following it and cheering for you. I have to say bull***t on Stella's' post. My DH and I have been reconciled for over 8, or is it 9 years and are very happy. He is now sickened by the thought of the things he did while no longer in the marital home. We are years and states away from all that now! You CAN SUCEED!

Awe thanks. Did you recover through SAA? I would love to read your story. Can you post the link to your thread here?

BTW your absolutely NOT invading, were all the family of the betrayed and that forever links us all together in my book. No one understands us like each other. Please post anytime.

T2L:
I agree that Stella was a little harsh. I hate to hear what she'd say about my sitch. Sheezzzz.......

As for living with OW, I do believe that damage is done when that happens. My WH has lived off and on with OW 5 times this year. The first time, he was only gone a week and wanted to come back the second day. The second time, he was gone a month but had an apartment so didn't really live with her. Each of those time, I think me and the kids talked or saw WH almost every day.

From then on, he's lived with her for several months at a time. And each time, he pushes me and the kids further and further from his mind. Today is day 20 and he hasn't even tried to visit the kids once. And his texts to them are fewer and fewer. And I'm in Plan B, so no contact from me at all. I don't know if this is a good sign......

And, unfortunately, WH seemed more "brainwashed" each time he returned. I hate him "playing house" with her. And this time, he says he's going through with the D. I'm sure OW is happy as a clam since his lack of filing in the past has led to most of their breakups. She has a really nasty temper and is very, very jealous. Too bad I'm in Plan B because I'd love to mess with her by inviting WH over for a quiet talk.

I, too, have said that WH has a new family, and he gets angry at this comment. Why do waywards get angry over this when it is TRUE? They replace BS and kids with OW and kids.

As for keeping the faith, I totally understand. I've admitted to hoping that WH has an awakening via, if necessary, a lightning strike, car accident or heart attack. Something that won't kill him but will cause a major "jolt" to his selfish, entitlement lifestyle. Kind of like "It's a Wonderful Life."

But I know there is nothing you or I or our kids can do to get WH to end his waywardness. If that were the case, they would have never left in the first place. We need God to interfer in the A. We need OW's fangs (yes, she has really bad teeth) to start spewing venom. We need the bloom to fall off the rose. We need our WH's to wake up, smell the coffee, and ask "What the fu%$ am I doing here?"

Will that ever happen? Miracles happen everyday.

As for Valentine's Day -- Last year was real memorable. I found out that WH was at OW's house. I (and my sis and BIL) stormed over there. I banged on the door, pushed my way in, and made a scene asking "Where the fu*% is my husband?" OW called the cops right after she took a punch at me. WH was thrown up against the wall by my BIL after WH tried pushing me out the door. When we decided to leave (cops on the way), WH followed me out the door screaming that he was filing the next day (which didn't happen). I left only to discover that my glasses had fallen off during the scuffle and were still in OW's house. I jumped out of the car, ran back to OW's house, told WH to find my glasses, he went back in and found them, handed them to me, and I left. WH and OW "bonded" over the experience that night. As for me, I felt empowered. My kids even said "Way to go, mom" when I got back home that night. Text message war ensued between DS and WH. WH wanted DS to show him some "respect" instead of calling him a loser. I texted back that maybe he'll get respect from his new sons. Wow -- a year ago!!! Such fun.

And -- one week later -- WH stopped by to talk, leading to a makeout session, leading to SF. Ahhh...the early days after D-day when he really was a cake eater. Now he just wants OW and to hell with me!!!

So...Valentine's Day will always be remembered as the only time I've come face-to-face with OW or the "Jerry Springer" incident.

As for this year, maybe we Plan B'ers need to have a party. Have a few drinks and make up horror stories about how BH and OW are spending Valentine's Day together.

Holy Heart,
Whoa! So yes you are probably going to have a better Valentines Day or as I now call it "Single Awareness Day" LMAO!

Not sure what to do that day, can't really get together with some girls as they most likely will be with their spouses, for obvious reasons. Hmmm maybe I will ask the kiddies to book me a massage for that very day. I think I will do that.

I think that for any of us we have a 50/50 chance. Its easy to say well you only have a 50% chance that its not going to recover. Yup, but that also leaves a 50% chance that it may and add some serious prayer and I think it ups our chances.

I even have had friends who were divorced and then got remarried so even divorce doesn't necessarily mean the end as crazy as that sounds. I say if you want your marriage keep at it. No one can tell you when its time to move. That's where only you can follow your heart and be true to your heart. God speaks to the heart.

The statistics that affairages will last are really low anyways so I think in the end either way we do get the last laugh as mean as that sounds. My H has lived with OW since August but I feel like a nice daily dose of reality will hopefully break up the relationship, at least that is my hope. My H told the kids and I on April 23rd, packed up and left home to return to visit 3 days later.

At the visit he was so upset, he broke up with her and crushed the secret phone. I witnessed this all and it was all pre-SAA. He then was home for about 2 1/2 weeks. Sometime during that 2 1/2 weeks he went back to her and lied all over again. I didn't know about SAA, and I would have known about the withdrawal symptoms if I had. Anyways what he said to me during those 1st 2-3 days home when he was half way normal was that "its like your in this fog and this fantasy and you think that its possible and that it can work but then you realize that it can't". But unfortunately the fog rolled back in and he went back to fantasy land.

I guess it basically comes down to how long can you hold on to the love in the midst of your spouse living with OW/OM, threat of divorce and TIME. Or course what I really appreciate about Dr. Harley and other programs it that he doesn't just have you living in limbo. I like the fact that he says if 2 years from the START of PB they have not come home then he recommends divorce. I think its just enough time and not too much. I don't know that I have that 2 years in me, don't truly feel that I do.

I think with your H waffling so much the PB is good. Did you do a Plan A? At least with you totally dark, he can put that pressure on OW to meet those needs and they usually are gonna fail at it.

:MrEEk: Did I stumble onto Marriage Busters by mistake? :MrEEk:

T2L, for better or best, your story's not written yet, except the introduction.

Stella, T2L has done an incredible job with Plan A and B and is rather well-versed on Dr. H's info on affairs for the short time she has been here.

If you are against fighting affairs and rebuilding marriages, why are you on MB? If you aren't against fighting affairs, why would you post such a discouraging message to a BS who has demonstrated the strength and courage to FOLLOW THROUGH with the plans?

I don't get it.

So here's the scoop. H contacts DD17 this evening and says, "So do want me to come over tomorrow to take care of your mom's gifts for her B-day?".

Well my Bday is Monday and since my H's job just recently went to 2 times a month payday with no advance notice finances are really tight. Basically there is nothing for the kids to be able to do anything for me.

He must have either borrowed some money or had money on a credit card. Anyways I guess he will be picking up DD17 to go shopping for me, not sure if DS10 will go or not. I'm surprised he even made the effort actually.

Holyheart, thanks for giving me a laugh with the Jerry springer Valentine's day. I had a couple of good visuals. Needed that laugh.

T2L, well at least your H is making that effort for your birthday to help the kids out. Small baby step.

Hey T2L,
hi you

Well might get my head chopped off but I made the effort to read Stella's threads today, and I was surprised, she is not a BW. She has acknowledged that she is addicted to MB (aren't we all?? ) and that she often finds that although she wants to help others and has a helping heart, she gets frustrated at situations that she feels are not moving on.

Perhaps this is one of those times.

Stella, we appreciate you have wisdom and experiences we don't. However at this time, coments like you gave are not helpful to T2L or her daughter. Perhaps it would be best if you refrained from posting on her thread, OK?

Hi T2L DD, yup that post from stell was upsetting. Why would anyone want to be here if they did not have to. Her opinion was extreme and unwarranted.
Keep the faith

I think I figured out which one. I couldn't edit, but asked the mods to.

I plead insanity due to migraine.

Sorry.

behind ME!

Not every SUCCESS story has the same KIND of "happy" ending.

The key to success is to get to a PERSONAL point of being okay...no matter what.

We are working with T2L to gain her sense of "right" with WHATEVER decision SHE makes for her family.

No matter what, though, she must heal from this - whether he comes home or not. That is what WE ALL realize during this process - that we HAVE to move forward from this because whether we like it or not, it's there, it's a tangible part of the road that is our lives. We CHOOSE if it is a chasm or a divot, and whether it'll define her or become just a little part of the character that is T2L.

And doom and gloom predictions are NOT helpful for her at this point in her life. She is in the process of getting okay for the next step on her roadway....and whether he comes back or not, it's gonna be a doozy.

Let her move through the processes she HAS to for herself.

Good morning Fam!

Well I woke this morning and my Pastor had sent me a text saying he wanted me to come see this guest speaker. I was not planning on going but called him and told him that I will come but that I would rather come right at 10 because I'm not ready for all the questions.

He said I will have you and DS10 sit up front with me, So...I'm going but kicking and screaming. He asked how I was and i said not good, I have been angry at God for allowing all this to happen in my life. He said I understand I have been there and its a place that everyone has to go thru. He I am very glad you are coming and I love you. {{{{Sigh}}}} I am probably going to be a sobbing mess i can already feel it.

We have several people coming in this month that were from the things that went on in Lakeland Florida. Anyways I have not been to church at all this year i wasn't really planning to going til next month. Anyways be leaving here in the hour.

DD17 will be with her dad....

He asked how I was and i said not good, I have been angry at God for allowing all this to happen in my life.

I hope I was helpful in bringing you to this point. REALITY is important in your healing. Grief takes many stages. Denial, howling pain, anger, and finally,, acceptance.

Both you and your daughter have to go thru these stages. We all do. I dont envy you but I have been there in grief many times myself.

I like to bring the other side of reality to the table. It helps push the growth process. You guys can be mad at me if you want, it is OK, make me the target of your anger. At least, the very least, that anger will FINALLY COME OUT and quit damaging your insides.

Stella-

I'd like to respond to this:



If you really do understand the grief process, then you know it usually takes the skills of a qualified counselor to help guide the process -or "push" it-as you put it. Everyone goes through grief in their own way, and at their own pace even with the help of an IC. You also would know that focusing your anger in the wrong place doesn't "get it out". It just misdirects it for awhile.

I'd also like to say something about your advice to those who are struggling with trying to recovery their marriages or just themselves after infidelity. Your advice may be well meaning, but you haven't been in these shoes so you really don't understand what a BS is going through.

It's like someone giving a chemo patient advice on what to do with the many symptoms and effects of the treatment when they have never experienced it nor are they a professional in the field of cancer treatment. I know, I went through both (betrayal and chemo) in the same year.

When I was doing chemo, it was the advice of those who had gone through it before that was the most helpful. After all, they understood the cracked fingertips and mouth sores. They understood the tingly skin, joint pain and fatigue. They had solutions for the metallic taste in my mouth and what to do when just going to my treatments made me feel sick to my stomach. I also appreciated the advice of the experts-my oncologist and the nurses-because they had studied to know this disease and its treatment in order to help those who were coping with it.

Friends and family who never had walked in my shoes NEVER tried to give me advice to help me with my treatments because they didn't have the experience to give me any advice. They simply supported me by showing up with prayers, meals, calling, and understanding when I was too tired to take their calls.

That's just my opinion. Sorry to T/J T2L.