I know this is probably a stupid question, but I have really been struggling with feeling like the loser, the idiot, and all that it entails to be the one "hanging on."
I feel like I was the one rejected, not that WH has something wrong with him? Why can't I get to the point where I KNOW its about him, and that I may have flaws, but am not a loser becasue my husband cheated on me and left me.
I feel like the whole world sees me that way, like if I had any worth, he would have fought harder for the marriage; for me.

ANy BS who remember the turning point where they stopped feeling like this? Do I need to file for divorce to "get my power back?"

Really struggling here tonight, so please be kind...

BF439

BF, OMG, I understand these feelings so well. I truly do.

For the longest time and even as much as today I feel like I am the one losing and WH has it best.



I just realized this very moment in answering you that it's been 21 months since d-day and 10 months in Plan B. And just yesterday did I finally catch an understanding on how this is just about him and not me. But it's taken work. VERY HARD work.

What are you doing for yourself to recover?

I'm sitting at home alone so I can sit with you on here if you like.

Thanks, Queenie,
What am I doing to recover? That's a very good question! I'm facing some things about myself and WH that I just ignored for a long time and then there are other things I'm just not ready to face.
I really spend a lot of my time just trying to take care of the kids and my basic needs (with a little extra self-care) and get through every day. IDK, maybe that's all I can do right now. I might have higher expectations for myself because I feel this pressure to be further along than I am. I mean, WH is ready to see a mediator, he can date (or did initially) and has an apartment that he buys stuff for.
I'm lucky when I do my laundry and hair on the same day!
Well, I guess the pug is a good thing and I'm eating again...
BF439

The day will come when you have some emotional separation from all of this and you will come to see that it is the WH who was lucky to have you in his life and not the other way around.

You'll see that HE didn't appreciate what he had. You'll see that he is the broken shell of a person.

Think about this: Someone cheated on Shania Twain, Jennifer Aniston, and several other starlets.

I'm a big Shania fan. Do you think I have any comprehension on how someone could cheat on these women?

Better yet, it's isn't about Shania or Jennifer but about the broken shells of men they were with. They were with people who put no value on vows. They are people who think of themselves and only themselves.

So it isn't about you. The greatest freedom you'll ever experience is the day you see that your WH could have been married to Miss Universe and would have cheated on her because HE is the one who is broken.

YOU deserve better.

I have two very good friends in my divorce group. I see both of these women and can't understand or comprehend how their husbands cheated on them. Both are awesome women. I once had a crush on one of them.

I expressed these feelings to both of them and they mirrored the same sentiments to me.

We married broken people with poor boundaries or morals, which led them to cheat.

They rationalize and justify their actions, but they were broken people who forsaked their vows. THEY have to live with looking in the mirror and knowing they betrayed their spouses.

You? You stayed true to them. That says a lot.

One day a man will appreciate you for the woman that you are. That may be a WH who earns the F or it may be someone new.

Keep your chin up.

Well said.

What POM just wrote really couldn't say it any better.

Not to mention, Charles cheated on Diana.

But even if it's logical, its the coming to terms and the feelings that are hardest. You have been through a trauma that is just simply going to take it's own time for you to heal.

Please don't be too hard on you, take it one day, one second, one moment at a time, and I can tell you and promise you it will get easier.

I didn't beleive I could survive this. I wanted to just die, but I had my kids and since WH was GONE, I had to find a way. I nurtured my relationship with G-d. Do you have one with him? Do you find comfort in the bible? Do you have a support system in real life to talk to?

I cried when I cried, I posted here and fortunately people understood so I didn't feel completely alone. I just got by.

I remember when I had an hour of the day that I didn't obsess about WH, and then it was a few hours and then it was more than that. I remember when I began to laugh at the stupid things in life.

Your world has been blown to bits. It's so hard to just pick up the pieces and move forward, but each and every moment and day gets you one day farther and one day closer to it not being so bad.

My AA sponsor told me over and over again, the pain won't kill you, but what you do with the pain will. POM is so right, and one day you will understand what others have worked so hard to come to understand. They are the LOSERS....

Wow, everyone, thank you! I knew I needed to get some of that self-pity, but yet very real feelings, out and I was afraid that I would call a support person who would say, "your marriage is over -- maybe if you dated?!?
I need to hear from time to time, being in the big B, that I am not the cause and neither is my marriage for his actions. I would be (and still am) perfectly willing to look at myself and my role in the marriage, but its nearly impossible for me to go there right now as I just try to scrape myself off the floor from all of this.
What kills me every day is that I really, really thought that he was my best friend and that we were in all of this together, but too many times I know he chose OW and her needs over me...
Can I just barf one more time...
BF439

And don't forget Christy Brinkley.

Best, it just takes time, that's all. I am 25 months past Dday, and almost 16 months in Plan B. I'm just getting to the point where I don't think about it 24 hours a day. In fact, if you read my thread, you will see that I saw a picture of WH and really had no feeling of attraction at all. I've almost become indifferent. It was a process though. I went for months where one day I felt one way, and the next day I changed my mind. It nearly drove me crazy being so wishy washy, but as time went on my feelings started to even out.

You WILL get there, but you won't believe us until it happens.

WH told me that he wanted something more than to be married to his best friend. Turns out that something more was a crack addict with hep c, twice divorced, on state disability, three children, her first one at 15 and not sure there is a high school diploma in her closet of accomplishments.

For whatever reason they are broken people and are destroying lives because their world is a sinking ship with weights and they are grabbing onto whatever they can to help them not die inside.

I actually completely isolated from my closet friends in the world. Almost for over a year, because they just wanted me over it. Fortunately the people at work loved on me and I found a new set of friends and I just took it one day at a time.

These feelings you have are real. This pain HURTS. What they are doing is just plain cruel, but we can't stop them. I had to learn and it was so hard, that I had no control over them.

All I could do was somehow start to find a way to want to get up in the morning and survive.

It's not easy, Plan B is boring and so you feel more isolated and it just seems that life is over.

I can't take this path away, I can't tell you when it happens, but gradually it will get it easier.

VERY NICE CHAI....

You have your kids too. You start focusing more on them as time goes on.

Your world has been rocked. It will get better.

DON'T DATE!

You're not ready. It's too soon. Take some time to heal before doing so. You have nothing to offer someone right now, not because you aren't a great person, but because you're simply to heartbroken to be able to.

So let yourself heal and to be content with "the new normal".

The new normal is the new life without WH, which may be preferable to what you had in your marriage.

Just know that there is life after divorce and that it isn't that bad. There's even some pros, such as finding someone new and having them treat you awesome.

Your WH will have his fall on his face someday. It may come at a time that you simply feel nothing for him hitting bottom.

The opposite of love is indifference. So that means that there should even be a sense of satisfaction that they hit bottom.

The OW, on the other hand....

Hope she gets horrible VD, struck by lightning, and that new flesh eating virus.

Here's an interesting snippet straight from Dr. Harley about the flaws of your WS:

...Affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

So don't feel like a loser. You are a committed person, which is very admirable. Your WH is being "dishonest and thoughtless." How else could he do what he's doing. Unless he fixes his problem with dishonesty and thoughtlessness, he will never have a fulfilling lasting relationship and die a lonely, crusty, old man...

Exactly erich. My dad is now slowly dieing alone for what all he did and the affairs he had. He even has 4 grandchildren he has never seen. They will get theirs in the end if they do not change their ways.

BF:
One year since D-day for me and only now -- one year later -- do I accept that WH is the problem, not me.

Oh -- at the beginning -- I kept asking what was wrong with me? And my biggest hang up was how can I ever be 10 years younger like OW? I could be thinner, or prettier, or smarter, or sexier. But how will I ever lose 10 years?

Even WH would say that it was all him. Him wanting to be with someone else. Him even saying that the two of us -- me and OW --were as opposite as night and day. But I couldn't understand. Again, why be with someone else -- especially someone so different from me--when you already picked me? What was wrong with me?

I now realize that WH is living a fantasy by being in an A, and I'm the reality check. WHs want to escape their life, mix it up a bit, try something different, BE with someone different, walk on the wild side -- even if just for a short while. But some get so caught up in the thrill, they forget or don't care that they've left loved ones behind hurt and broken.

As for people thinking we BSs are idiots for hanging on. Maybe in the end we are. But some of us love deep and forgive deep and are willing to forego a year or two of crap to save a 30 year relationship. Remember -- "for better or worse"? This is the worse.

Ultimately, I have to live with me. And you, BF, have to live with you. And we can rest assured at night, even if we have a hard time sleeping, that we are doing what is right. We are fighting for love and marriage and sacred promises. We are fighting for our children, our grandchildren and our legacy. And on judgement day, God will be proud of us.

WE HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

OK -- it's been a year for me since d-day, and 5 false recoveries. I'm also in Plan B. Did I cry today? Yes. Did I cry yesterday? Yes. Have I changed since D-day? Yes. I am stronger. I focus more on me and the kids. I don't have one urge to call or text WH. I wish he'd call or text me that he wants to talk about reconcilliation. I don't pray for WH every day like I use to -- I pray everyday for me and my kids. And today -- to get out of the funk -- for the first time ever -- I drove 2 1/2 hours to the beach by myself and sat on the sand for 4 hours -- then drove back home. I would have never, never done that pre-A.

Go, Holyheart!!!

BF439,

I am not sure if you, or anyone else here has read the book, "The Shack" or not. I read it over the Christmas Holidays and coincidentally was struglling with the same feelings you are. The book is about a man's experience with God in a shack where his daughter was killed and involves his feelings about forgiveness, and a whole lot more.

I talked to my 70 yr old Dad who is a very circumspect and wise man about my thoughts, namely my feelings of shame and my inability to forgive my WW.

He listened and told me there is only one way; prayer and most of all time.

I realize that it is prayer, and most of all time that slowly soothes the wounds of a broken heart and feelings of shame or inadequacy brought on by the actions of a WS.

We will be in a much better place spiritually and emotionally than they, we must forgive them, for them, but most of all for ourselves, only then will those feelings retreat.

Not the answer I wanted, but as I reflect on the changes in my perspective, from all out panic upon discovery of the A, to acceptance to moving on, I think it is the only answer. At least the only one that has held any truth for me.

I never felt like a loser for being a BS.

I felt like a loser for taking my WS back.

I still fight this today. It feels like she won, and I lost.

I guess that's because she did. She got to have her fun and keep her marriage.

Me, I just get the heartbreak of a BS, plus the marriage. Great.

I don't know Krazy. I didn't get the WS back, yet I often feel like a loser. It's mostly pity-party stuff I can chase away easily enough. Many things I'm past now, but it still happens from time to time.

- In the early days past d-day, I felt like OW won and I lost

- When WstbxH signed the LSA in which I "bought" him out of the marriage for bargain-basement prices - I felt as if the whole marriage had been devalued

- When he treated me like crap, I felt that if the person who knows me best hates me this much, I must be aweful

- When I struggled with home repairs, repairmen and other tradesmen, I felt like I was lacking basic life skills

- When WstbxH started bring OW around to my baseball games, I felt like I must be a real loser if he can get away with that around people that were "our" friends

BUT

The opposite is true, too.

- When he was treating me like crap, I realized what a loser HE was;

- That made me realize what a loser the OW was for getting stuck with him;

- And when I looked at that LSA, it was clear that he had lost virtually all of his material posessions while I kept (won) them;

- And those repairs did get done - including a few I did myself and the others I was able to afford to pay for, since he wasn't around to spend all my money;

- And finally, I realized that people were looking at him like some kind of fool, especially when he brought OW around, because it was just displaying his true colours to everyone he knew. Instead of me coming out the loser, I "won" all of our friends.

So yes, I sometimes feel like a loser but sooner or later, I will feel like a winner for the exact same reason.

What have you lost?

Your home?

Your retirement?

Your children?

Your morality?

I can answer yes to all of the above, but I feel like I've won because I am living life to it's fullest now.

As I make more money, my value as good husband material increases and as she ages, her value as wife to a welathy man significantly decreases as her shelf life is up.

I look foreward to the day I have her as a Waffle House waitress.

Everyone, your posts were so helpful! Helpful to know that I am not the only one feeling this way; helpful to know this feeling won't always be there; helpful to know that even if we recover, I may have to struggle with this.

I have some wonderful friends who support me, but I try not to call them in the middle of the night when these thoughts and insecurities hit, but to be able to post here and receive such support is one of the blessings I count everyday!!


BF439