My WW never agreed to sign her NC Letter. I will not wait anymore so I'm writting the OM myself.

Could you provide me with feedback. I took suggestions from several other letters I found here.
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To OM:
I'm aware of the inappropriate relationship you have with my wife. YYYYY and I have spoken honestly and we are both determined to make our family work. We love each other; and we intend to heal our marriage.

You call yourself a “man of value”. There is nothing of value in doing what you have done with my wife YYYYY; there is no value in destroying families; there is no value in adultery; there is no value in divorce; and there is clearly no value in invading someone else’s family hurting inoffensive people.

There is certainly no value in leaving an innocent three year old destined to live in a single parent household. No man can incite this and call himself a “man of value”. Someone who does this would be called a home wrecker, not a “man of value”.

A “man of value” plays his game and his negs with available women. YYYYY is unavailable. Please respect our desire to heal our family and never again come in contact with her.

YYYYY wishes to be with me. She does not want to be with anyone else. She has told me this repeatedly. If she wanted otherwise she would have filed for divorce already. She has always told me she loves me and that is the reason we married.

Sadly, I never knew YYYYY to be such a weak character until all this took place. This leaves me feeling betrayed and contemplating divorce, thus leaving a 3 year old in a broken home. What a wonderful way to go, man of value!.

Clearly, you were never a friend to my wife or her family. Friends do not act the way you both have acted. There are boundaries that one should never cross. You both knew YYYYY was unavailable and that there was a commitment and a responsibility to someone else. Home wreckers are not friends of any family.

You probably think that knowing YYYYY for several years gives you entitlement. You probably also think you know her. Let me shed light on this; you only knew what she chose to tell you. You only knew the part that she shares with the world and may be a couple of private details. Big deal, what you got has no foundation. You do not know her true self. DDD and I got that. We got the arthritis, the bunions, the anger management issues, the depression, the nagging and the baggage. We get the good, the bad and the ugly, you got a facade.

Furthermore, you are not entitled to her. You made your choices in life and she made hers. Now is time for you to go your own way. Adultery may no longer be legally criminal, but it is still tragedy, for marriages and families. This includes my family. It is also a breach of ethics, and shows a complete lack of character and integrity.

I love YYYYY and I love DDD; I’m willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage to our marriage. That includes notifying you that I’m aware of what has transpired and asking you to not contact her anymore.

Please reconsider any intentions you may have of contacting YYYYY in any way shape or form; at any time; under any excuse. I’m asking you man to man. It would be best if you resist the temptation you will have after you are done reading this letter. You do not want to be someone who contributed to the destruction of a family; its baggage no one wants.

When you put your head down on your pillow, your choices will weigh on your mind. You may remember what transpired. When you do, please consider that this letter asking you to not contact her anymore is being sent because YYYYY is very much loved,
Sincerely,
XXXXXX

Way too long. Sounds weak. He doesn't care about your pain and you can't appeal to his conscience.

What do you want to say?

-- I know about your inappropriate contact with my W. She is ashamed and wants nothing to do with you.

-- I will know if there is any contact whatsoever from now on for the rest of our lives.

-- Cut it the f out immediately or there will be repercussions (vague).

I relaized it was way too long as soon as I posted it here.

I was right where you are 6 months ago. WW finally admitted to A but balked at writing NC letter. Said she "didn't want to hurt his feelings and needed time to figure out the best way to do it."

If you're like me she stalled and stalled.

I finally lost patience and called him. That seemed to work well for me. That way there is nothing threatening in writing, and, he can hear the righteous anger in your voice.

Ask him what his intentions are with your WW, does he want to marry her?!

If he doesn't answer leave messages at his home and work and cell, no threats, just tell him you know what is going on with him and your wife and he better call you back.

He will.

Scare him.

A letter won't. He will only think you're too scared to confront him man-to-man. He probably won't even take the time to read the whole thing, unless he's getting a laugh out of it.

Don't confront face-to-face, too much risk, you might do something you regret. Call.

Agreed. He will just laugh at such a letter.

Call him.

Aside from that, I really think you need to be concentrating on your wife and her being unwilling to send the NC letter. The first thing I think of is that she is not really committed, and you're just an easier choice right now. I'd be very careful.

I lean toward calling him. Don't send that letter because he'll just roll his eyes and quit reading after about a sentence.

A call will have much greater impact.

But what you're doing is trying to take control of two adults and dictate their actions. You're thinking, "If I lay down the law with him and with her then it will be over and we can move on."

Not so.

She has to decide on her own to cutoff contact with OM. This "dont' want to hurt his feelings" crap is fog.

There is no "right way to do it". You cut off OM or the marriage ends.

It's that simple. And that isn't an ultimatum, it's a reality. Your marriage will die if she maintains contact and it will forever be a sore spot for you that will get you to a point where you hate your WW.

Kingrat,

If you're serious about insituting NC yourself by scaring the OM away, then here is the email I used ON D-Day, attached to several strings of emails between them, so he KNEW I had the goods.

BEGINNING OF EMAIL:

This is "MyRevelation", it seems you have been having an affair with my wife, "FogFree".

I suspected something was wrong, found these emails, confronted her and she confessed EVERYTHING in detail. This could be your lucky day if you are willing to reply to this email, make one phone call and then break off ALL contact immediately. "FogFree" has asked me to allow her to stay and work through this and has agreed to never contact you again.

I have hard and electronic copies of all emails exchanged between you two, and will have been able to retrieve all deleted text messages (both incoming and outgoing) from her cell phone shortly.

I also have your:

Full name
Home Address
Wife’s name
Children’s name
Place of employment
The Headmasters name and contact info
Cell phone #
Office phone #
Home phone #
Email address

…and I have the names and contact info of 5 private investigators within 10 miles of (OM's hometown) that I will be interviewing later today.

Here’s the deal…"FogFree" and I have both called in sick today to put this matter behind us one way or the other. You have until 3:00pm today to respond to this email confirming its receipt and writing a narrative confessing to your participation in the affair including complete details from when you met in Cancun to the subject of your last phone call yesterday and any plans for future meetings. I love my wife very much, but in order to forgive her, I must know that she is telling me the whole truth and nothing but the truth and that this affair is OVER. This narrative will be used to confirm her story. After you reply to this email you must call us on our home phone (our home phone number) and both of us will be on the line. The purpose of this is for you to hear from "FogFree" herself that it is over and for you to never attempt to contact her again. Then you must agree to these terms to both of us.

If not, all of the evidence I have will be delivered by private investigator in person to your wife, employer, sons, and possibly others. I am not playing games. Let me be clear…if you don’t reply by 3:00pm today, or if you don’t call, or if you ever attempt to contact "FogFree" again after today…I will turn your world upside down as you’ve done mine. "FogFree" has also agreed to not answer any phone calls after today and save their history, and will not reply to any email or text messages and forward them directly to me.

I will also call and leave this same message on your cell phone and office voicemails so there can be no mistake of its receipt.

These are my non-negotiable conditions. You do as I say, and we will become just a memory for you without ever contacting your wife, etc. Anything less, and I’ll bring your whole life crashing down around your ears. You have messed with my family and I will not stand for it.

May you burn in the firey pits of HELL for the pain you’ve caused my family.

END OF EMAIL

Now admittedly, FogFree messed up TWICE and tried to re-establish contact, once with a cell phone voicemail message and then by email, on D-Day + 2, and again on D-Day + 5 to get "closure" as she put it, but OM NEVER RESPONDED ... BECAUSE HE UNDERSTOOD THE CONSEQUENCES.

In retrospect, I can see some obvious mistakes I made originally. Now many will tell you that you can't make another person do anything ... BULLSHI!T ... most OM are of such weak character that a strong, confident, no nonsense BH can intimidate an OM to where they will avoid your WW like the plague. You just have to understand where their "soft spots" are an apply the appropriate pressure.

Most of these OM are just out for cheap thrills and will fold their tents very quickly once they learn that the "price" of their fun just INCREASED.

Good Luck to you.

Myrev,

That was awesome. I like that approach too.

If your WW won't agree to NC then you are just spinning your wheels pointlessly on an unrepentant cheater.

Thanks pom ... and for the record, it was every bit "instinctual" as I had never even heard of MB at that point.

You should've told his wife, anyway!

I'm disappointed!

Kingrat,

I agree that your email is too soft and mushy.

Don't try to reason with this putz. Find his soft spots and use them to your advantage.

Step #1 is to tell his wife or girlfriend, if he has one.

At times ... ME TOO!!!

Like I said, at the time I was "winging it" based on my own instincts. Now there may come a day when I expose to OMW, but it won't be the MB way "in an attempt to save my M" ... if I ever do it, it will be done for the purpose of REVENGE and will likely be IN PERSON even though they live 500 miles and 4 states away.

I'm not one of those that feel "I OWE" the OMW squat ... and at this point, I still prefer the leverage this knowledge provides. Likely OM has already moved on and doesn't even think of FogFree any more as it was just a cheap vacation fling for him and I got the satisfaction of listening as FogFree heard him throw her under the bus to save his sorry a$$ and distance himself from this mess as fast as possible.

Therefore, if I ever do it, I want him to be caught just as unsuspecting and vulnerable as I was in July, 2007.

MyRev,

I liked your email. A simple "Come to Jesus or..." You are right most OM are not real strong in the intestinal fortitude department.

It really reminds me of some advice I gave my oldest when he was in middle school. He was a good sized kid, but he was not an aggressive kid. He wasn't all that social adept either. Anyway this gang of about 10 kids started to pick on him and really bother him. My advice to him is start with the smallest kid, hunt them down and corner them when they were alone. And simply tell the kid you can hunt them down again and the next time they will be faced with dealing with you one on one and you look forward to putting a few lumps on them. After he had hunted down about 5 of the kids, the rest decided perhaps there was someone else they could bother. The only one that did not figure it out, was the ring leader. Unfortunately for him he had to face my son alone and things did not work out well for him.

School yard psych still works.

My only thought though is you will never be sure the W really wanted it to end, while a NC letter by the WW does offer real evidence that she does, especially if the W is financially dependent on the BS.

JL

Thanks for the comments. The only problem I see with this approach is that the OM is a lawyer. I do not want to cross a legal line that I might regret later on.

I have two responses to your post quoted above:

1st ... I don't understand the mentality of being willing to send a "lawyer" that wimpy "man of value" email, but not being willing to send a "lawyer" anything that would actually HELP your situation, which leads to this ...

2nd ... Him being a "lawyer" IS his SOFT SPOT and EXACTLY where you need to be pressing. You see ... even though we see him as a POSOM, he SEES HIMSELF as a "man of value" ... use that to your advantage.

I'll bet that this is a guy that values his REPUTATION ... and you hold in your hands the POWER to destroy that REPUTATION. Use it to make him "crawl on his belly" away from you and your WW as quick as possible.

Hell, if you want to do it right ... retain the "lawyer" in your community with the BEST reputation and have HIM send OM the letter:


Dear POSOM:

I represent BH, and he has shown me some rather disturbing proof of an extramarital affair between you and his WW.

Let it be known that unless you cease and desist with any further contact with WW, that BH has authorized me to prepare a complaint seeking dissolution of his marriage to WW, naming you as a co-defendent and seeking damages, citing your adultery as the alienation of his WW's affection for him.

This will include any premeditated contact on your part, or on your behalf, including but not limited to, in person, phone, email or other electronic forms of communication, USPS or private mail, etc., or reply to any contact iniated by WW or someone acting on her bahalf.

I trust this will be the end of this matter. However, any breaches of the conditions of my clients demands will be met with immediate legal action.

Very truly yours;

Reputable Attorney

Now obviously I don't know all of the laws of your state (or even what state you reside), nor am I a licensed attorney, but I'm sure a good reputable attorney in your area can draft a similar letter to suit your particular purposes and jurisdiction.

If you really desire to see this end ... then take the steps necessary to MAKE it end. You now know his "soft spot" press it now and press it HARD!!!

The issue here is that she has cut contact with him. She changed her cell phone and she took him of facebook. As far as I know there has been no contact.

The issue is that she is reluctant to modify and sign the NC Letter. She feels it's a dead horse and I'm beating the hell out of it.

But I cant get over the fact that she has never told him to go away. As far as I know he still does not know that I'm aware of everything.

She needs to send the NC letter as a gesture to you - as a sign of her commitment to recovering the marriage. Explain to her that regardless of how "dead" the horse is, YOU yourself need this gesture. She should be doing this for YOU, not for HIM.

BRILLIANT!!!

Sadly. I have explained to her that the NC Letter has healing value to me and she still does not collaborate.

The MC believes that she is rebelling agains me for me making such a big deal out of this.