I know I need to calm down. I'm doing things that seem so crazy to me. I'm not thinking clearly. Some times I just want to drop the whole thing and give up so that I don't risk doing anything completely stupid that I'll regret for the rest of my life. This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be.

I'm pretty sure WW is going to file an exparte now. I was thought I was covering my butt by calling the cops before I followed her to make sure it was ok to do it. But, maybe that still looks bad. I did it out of concern for the kids. And my concern proved to be well warranted because she took them to OMs to spend the night...

I'm going to lay low for a while and try not to make any more mistakes..

I asked the cops last night if they were going to file a report and they said they were not. But it will be filed as an "incident," whatever the heck that means. Maybe it's all the same...

The cops aren't your friends.

You could have easily said that you weren't following her and were merely behind her for part of the route as you headed home.

But now there's a police record of a call where you are asking if it's ok to call her.

Every call, email, or any contact with her of any kind can be twisted around as "harassment".

Remember, you're dealing with a veteran who has done this to 2 husbands already. She understands the game.

Read the kick in the butt I sent you and follow the advice.

You're lawyered up and have a hearing coming up. Be calm and quiet till then.

It sucks royally. Trust me I know.

But you have to do it. Remember the big picture is custody of your son. That's the big picture.

See if you can get exH1 to come along and be a witness on your behalf as far as these type of things not being allowed.

Another thing to consider is getting a best interest attorney for your son. He or she would interview everyone involved and approach things from a neutral ground.

Mine was fair in our case, though she made a few mistakes, but overall was fair and was very helpful in showing that I wasn't an ogre the way that exww was trying to portray me.

PL stands for pendente lite which simply means "pending litigation".

E,

Do you have a buddy who might be willing to keep an eye on her for you?

Jeez, I don't know anything about OM, but this three kids, shared bedroom, stressed/broke/litigating WW must be straining their relationship something fierce!! :-)



Anyway, I'll just repeat what I said earlier. Put yourself in your attorney's hands here. I know you can't get him/her on the phone in a second with every one of these crises, but maybe spend sometime thinking about scenarios and ask your attorney what you should do/not do under possible future situations...

I'll think about this. Not sure who I know that would have the time to do this.

I am considering a GPS tracker to attach to her car somehow..

Gosh, you would think so, but if he's inviting her to spend the night with all three kids, he must be desperate for the nookie. His two kids were at their mom's this weekend. So he's kind of swapping out kids.


I emailed my attorney yesterday. I told him what happened and asked for any advice. I told him that I will just not contact her any more and just work with the system...

This brings me to PLAN B!! I am ready for a pitch black plan B.

I've seen sample plan B letters here before but don't know where they are now. Does anyone have a plan B letter for me to look at? I'll post one here for critiquing if anyone is willing to look over it..

Hi Erich, I read your thread everyday and am praying you get your son back. My suggestion would be to get that situation settled, get all your legal ducks in a row and then start thinking about Plan B. The heartlessness shown by your wife towards you and your boy is quite amazing. I am so sorry for you both.

erichh,

You're not in the category of BH that I was in. You do have a pair.

Now you need to be smart.

This is the part of the situation that sucks. Being smart means one or two emails a day asking to speak to your son. Courtesy copy your lawyer.

No phone calls to WW. NONE. Use the criteria of blood on the floor or someone about to die. That's what our parenting coordinator established for us.

Again, you must ask yourself if Plan B is what you want. Plan B is to preserve what feelings for your WW that you have.

I've gotten the impression from you that you're done. That you don't see a future with this serial cheater woman who has a habit of getting a new husband and a new kid by that man every year and then leaving him for the next best thing (in her mind).

OM won't last. Not with 3 kids in the equation and 3 exH's to deal with.

That's an awful lot of Baby Daddy drama to deal with.

But that's not your issue to worry about.

Right now you need to worry about fighting a smart and brutally merciless legal battle.

Get the exH1 as a witness on your behalf. Having him express how unhappy he is about the current situation will help a great deal. Having him also express that he gets along well with you and will work with you to keep the siblings in regular contact is a big plus as well.

Team up. That's a very powerful thing. I can only imagine how a judge would react to having not one but two fathers expressing displeasure over their children's living situation and both of them getting along with each other and expressing their desire to have thier children stay in regular contact with their siblings.

So keep the faith, but most of all keep smart.

I had many a night where I was really hurting to talk to my kids.

There comes a point where you simply accept that they are too young right now to call on their own and are at the mercy of your ex. So you simply learn to accept it and make the most of the time you do get.

For now, pretend you're a special ops soldier in a far off location and you're not allowed to talk to your son for a while because you can't. Think of those guys when you think of your own plight.

That visualization may help you get past the feelings you have. Take that energy and strategize on how you will get your son and give HER visitation.

Have a father's rights book yet?

Stay strong. Keep the faith. Things will work out for you.

And next time find a woman with no multiple marriages and with morals.

Here is a thread discussing Plan B letters:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...at&Number=2181581&gonew=1#UNREAD

Here is an outline of when to go to Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


Make sure she understands you are going dark to SAVE the marriage, that she is killing your love and you need to save what is left, and you want her back if the affair ends, NC is set up and maintained, and a marital recovery plan is agreed upon.


Chin up, dude.

Thanks for keeping up with my situation and for the prayers. That means a lot to me.

Maybe I used the term "Plan B" incorrectly since I am not sure that I want WW back. I admit that I do sometimes still have feelings for her, but only when I reflect back on some of the good times we had together. But I may just be holding on to something that is not best for me or my son.

I am kind of old fashioned, you might say, because I believe so strongly in marriage that even if the marriage is not good, I have an obligation to stay married for better or WORSE.. That's what I agreed to and I meant it.

I do believe there is a point where you have to let go and end the marriage. If WW doesn't end her A and commit to a recovery plan within a certain time period, then there IS NO MARRIAGE to commit to any longer.

I must say that I think WW is going to give me the ultimate get out of jail card and divorce me, so that will take the decision away from me anyway. So I'm really not too worried about having to make the decision to divorce because I think she will. I have yet to see her response to my petition, but I think it will be an amendment to make the legal separation into a divorce with her custody plan, etc.

So, to bring it back to what I started saying. I was using the term "plan B" to mean no contact with WW, but without much of a desire for a recovery...

But based on what you all are saying, Plan B may not be appropriate given the situation since I need to continue to communicate to WW my desire to see my son...

Ask your lawyer if there is an advantage to filing first.

Follow the guide I gave you. There is usually a huge advantage to filing first and ask him what the burden of proof for adultery is.

Think about it, you file first and you dictate the terms. That includes leaving your son in the marital home.

Be the initiator and not the defendant.

Full out offensive. No mercy.

Your rights as a father are what are at stake.

I agree with this.


I'm still struggling with this. But I am definitely leaning toward ending this relationship if WW doesn't convert the petition for legal separation into a D.


You can say that again! But don't...


I just sent an email to exH asking him if he'd be willing to testify for me. I also sent him photos of the car parked in front of OM's house from yesterday morning and photos of the damage WW did to my house from her anger episodes... If anyone wants copies of the photos, just email me... hehe


I've checked out some from the library but they were L-A-M-E. The stuff you've sent me is 100000% better...


LOL! Thanks, oh wise one.

My attorney assured me that filing for legal separation is pretty much the same as a dissolution of marriage except for you're technically still married. Custody is determined, dividing of assets, parenting plan, child support, the whole nine yards. In fact, when the judge makes a ruling, she may decide that a legal separation be denied and that it be a dissolution of marriage instead, and I would have no choice but to accept it! With that knowledge and the fact that WW can amend it to a D, means that it is 99% going to be a D and I am already on the offensive because she's scrambling to respond, etc.

WW also mentioned to me in the email she sent me on Friday that she has been trying to get ahold of her attorney but he wasn't returning her calls. My attorney has been telling me the same thing--that her attorney seems too busy to deal with her case!! I bet she didn't have the money for a retainer and must have worked out an I OWE YOU with her attorney and he's not giving her case the attention she needs. Or maybe he's working Pro Bono. I just like saying "Pro Bono" for some reason.. Sounds funny to me.

Anyway, I also hear from others that her attorney isn't very good. We'll see...

Thanks for the links. I just read them. I'll need to think more about whether to do a plan B. Thanks for the encouragement.

When did she do this?

What kind of damage did she do?

erichh....

I don't see the downside of executing a Plan B no matter what your feelings du jour are about the future and reconciliation. For the sake of the kids, play it out as the stable parent wanting to save the family. If she crawls back and you don't get it to your terms, or you have given up by then, kick her to the curb then.

She beat holes in the wall with her elbows. She also threw framed picture of us against the wall. It damaged the wall and the shattered glass cut her hand. There is still blood on the wall from her cut. I left it there as evidence.

These episodes occurred about a month after D-Day after I told her she was not being a good mom by having an affair...

This is the type of thing you can point out to a BIA (best interest attorney) who may be assigned to your son.

Some states call the guardians ad litem.

This evidence of her temper is good to point out. But run it by your lawyer first.

These are things that should be mentioned in your motions for custody.

I mentioned all of my ex's things done since our divorce when I filed my complaint. I had evidence to back up my claims.

She had to make things up, such as the shower thing.

Mention this problem and the evidence you have when you file.

yep, I had to deal with a guardian ad litem (GAL) as well in my situation. It's just another battle that had to be fought in this war on my family.