One thing I really wonder about is what's going through the minds of the OM, when he knows he's messing around with a married woman? I'm wondering if it's such a rush for him that he's stealing a taken woman?

I've dug through some of the posts on this board about dealings with the OM. There is some really dreadful stories out there.

In my wife's affair... it seems like when the OM realized that I wasn't done with the marriage, he wasted no time in getting away from the situation. Maybe some of these guys have a shred of honor after all?

I'm sure he was listening to my wife's FOGBABBLE and thought he had the green light. Of course he told my wife that he wasn't confortable with her still being married to me. I'm sure that was part of his gameplan to get me out of the picture. I'm so sorry his plans failed (hah!)

I don't care how nice a guy he was... if I ever run into him... ah, nevermind. I'll try to keep it cool.

But, I know where he lives.

There are men who enjoy the rush of being able to say "I slept with [insert any name]'s wife." They use it to hurt.

I mean, that scene from the Ref, the policeman says, a little proudly, "I nailed your wife." It's a jab, and they like being able to jab.

However, I believe that if an OM thinks that he may suffer somehow as a result, he'll most likely back off.

When I talked to my OMW, she said they had talked about his previous affair the weekend before he started with my WW and told them that it was the thrill of the chase.

Typically, the WW will either tell the OM she is "separated" or that her H "abuses" her. Sometimes, of course, the OM knows she is actively married and just doesn't care, but that seems to be somewhat rare.

The "separation" one really amuses me the most, though, because rarely are they really "separated." It is an imaginary separation. Rather, the WW moves into the spare bedroom, announces she is "separated" and is therefore free to cat around like an alley cat in heat. It is an IMAGINARY "separation," so to speak. I always chuckle when I hear this one because it is so loony. And it gets especially hilarious when the WW asks the BH to move out because she wants a separation! Why move if you are already "separated!?"

The next one is the "abusive" husband. This is supposed to pimp some SYMPATHY from the OM and justify her affair. I have never quite understood the logic that says that adultery is the answer to an "abusive" husband. Seems to me like that would make him MORE abusive. Even so, I have probably heard this excuse 100 times in 8 years around here and it was found to be true 1 time that I can even remember.

As in your situation, when I told the OW that my H and I were very much married and not "separated," she was shocked and scandalized! This married woman with 2 children immediately dumped my husband to protect her "HONOR!"

Waywards have a special kind of "logic" all their own.

I'd just point out, Roy, that in fact you were seperated, had lived apart for over a year, and had little to do with each other apart from your occasional dates.

Your wife was wrong to pursue another relationship while still married... but I think she had given up on the idea that it would ever get any better.

I think the fact that she instantly broke up with OM and jumped right back into the relationship with you shows you where her heart was. She wanted you... and I think she always wanted you... but I think she'd given up hope that you'd ever have a proper marital relationship. And when you showed her in a dramatic fashion - first by your display of anger (which showed genuine emotion); then by your dramatic, 180-degree reversal in your attitude toward the marriage - you rekindled her hopes in the marriage as well.

Your marriage got into a bad shape because neither of you were truly committed to one another. Your display of commitment was a catalyst for her to recommit to the marriage. Now... you both need to stay committed, develop habits of meeting each other's emotional needs, and learn to live together.

Your marriage would have died in the state it was in before. You didn't even care that much when she first told you she wanted a divorce. Right now, you both have a second chance, a chance that many people are denied... so make the most of it.

CC,

I agree with what you say... personally, I just have to work through everything in my mind. I posted somewhere else that I'm 85% recovered. Dealing with the psychology of the OM is a part of the 15% I'm still dealing with.

In my profession, I am a programmer. My mind works through very procedural steps. That's how I'm dealing with everything that happened last year. There is in fact, very little emotion left in how I'm dealing with all of the events.

Just a few things that crop up and make me go wow... such as me giving my wide screen television to my wife for her house, this being about a week before d-day. She was going to take my televison a kick me to the curb!! Goofy stuff like that. I hope the OM enjoyed my television as much as he enjoyed my wife!!

The lies and the deception is what kills me.

I admitted to my wife that I made poor choices in our marriage. She on the other hand, admits she made poor choices last summer. There is not much more remorse that I need to see from her. I let her know that she made me feel like I was the only one when she actually was out running around... she understands that and knows she was wrong to deceive me that way.

We're actually talking about everything in a rather matter of fact way now... the intense emotions about what happened are fading away.

Apparently, she told the OM that she was still sleeping with me... and she was. In a way, I got to be the OM to the OM.

I guess I'll take some perverse pleasure in that.

Whatever it takes to rationalize this in my own mind, eh?

My OM doesnt care if the people he cheats with are married or not. I have also found out he encourages WW to stay with me but keep banging him. He doesnt want her, he just wants to get together for sex when it is convenient for him. WW, however, is obsessed with OM.

Usually I am careful about generalizations - but this book has a chapter that perhaps describes some OM attitudes. This is from an old post

[quote]
A good book that focuses on As by Married Women is "Tempted Woman" by Carol Botwin. It was written for married women to help them understand how they may be vulnerable to an affair. The entire last chapter are just testimonials from FWW to other married women talking about the agony their affair has caused.

Chapters include:
How to predict if a W will have an A
Differences between men's and women's As
The Groudbreakers
Situations that drive W into As
Hidden psychological reasons for an A
Why they ignite
The Other Man
How As progress
and my favorite Out in the Open


-Married women usually have affairs with married men because in the beginning they are classified as "safe." "He's married so we can be friends and he won't hit on me." Your OM was married.

-The relationship usually develops from a friendship. It develops slowly.

-OM knows how to give compliments

-He makes you feel as though you are sharing something important during your time spent together

-May offer emotional support if marriage troubles are discussed

-OM is good at creating a sense of fun, playfulness, or just an upbeat attitude that may be missing at home.

-He listens w/ empathy & understanding. He's a good communicator. You feel truely heard.

-He encourages you in your goals.

-He is persistent.

-If sex is involved it is usually does not come for three to six months into the relationship.

-For women the emotional bond must come first. They must feel that they love the OM.


What the OM wants:

One of reasons OMW exposure is powerful

-They want the A to stay w/in bounds

-They thrive on the diversion, the excitement of the illicit, forbidden sex. the variety. His W may not like to try "new" things.

-Some get relief from home. May be having M issues. May have a W that ignores him for kids, work, etc.

-Able to reveal themselves emotionally.

- Doesn't want the R to get serious!!

-He may say "I love you" but he still isn't committing to anything

-Men regards an A as an addition to marriage not as possible replacement

-Most men let the married women know about the restrictions of the R. "I'd never devorece my wife because of the kids." That is the number 1 excuse the OM uses

-The woman's emotional investment flatters the OM but causes discomfort

One interesting piece of info. Married women are unlikely to end the undiscovered A. It's usually the OM.

Why men react with so much fury;

-a husband feels dishonored

-humiliated in the eyes of "society." Even today we are conditioned to think that a married man is more likely to have an A.

-less likely to be suspicious therefore causes more shock. Because of our conditioning wives tend to watch husbands for signs. Not likely the other way around. Our egos tell us," she'd never cheat on me. I provide for her. I tell her I love her. etc"

-they are frightened. Worried over the future. Don't feel needed.

-Male competition in sex is acute. Has been for eons.

-Emasculated that OM may be better in bed or may have a superior sex organ. You women say that size doesn't matter well even if your telling the truth from your perspective it doesn't matter because size matters to men!

[quote] [b][/b]

I believe "our" OM went Ballistic when WW told him that shortly after d-day.

Ya gotta appreciate the irony and stupidity of waywards.

My WW told OM that I was abusive in everyway--physically and mentally. Ironic because she has been convicted twice for assaulting her ex-husbands. I never struck her or anything like that at all but she hit me many times. As far as the mental abuse? I've read her journal and she wrote that I was mentally abusive. I don't understand this one and probably never will. What is mental abuse? What did I do that was mentally abusive? Not sure on that one. I could probably say that I am being mentally abused right now, but I think it's just absurd...

She also told OM that we were separated because she slept in the room across the hall.

The OM was cheated on during HIS marriage and went through a divorce before meeting WW. Now he gets to be the OM. I read his myspace page during the earlier stages of the A. He would write comments such as "I'm out of control...and I'm loving it!" Obviously he got a thrill out of banging someone else's wife and probably felt some twisted vindication for his own past issues with his wife cheating on him. Good for him. What a classy guy.

I KNOW that this piece of VITAL information is what dealt the "death" blow to WH A.....On Cday, I let this information out and she was thrown for a loop. She IMMEDIATELY turned on him asking if this was true, and when he couldn't DENY it, well, I knew I had done my job (though unbeknownst to me at the time....). He had let her BELIEVE we were not doing this...He was being FAITHFUL......this information just threw her, and him for that matter, into reality.....IRONIC isn't it?????

RB, that being said, I can't say much about the psychology of the OM, but I can tell you what was going on in my H's brain at the time (him being the OM in her sitch) and when he placed that FIRST out of business lines phone call, she REPEATEDLY said her H would not like this. He told her they weren't doing anything wrong, they were only friends (and at this point they were.......). And when he called again, she didn't draw the boundaries. We know HE didn't have any boundaries, but he really didn't think about her H and he really was, at THIS TIME, only enjoying the friendship/emotional side. She was friendly with him, praised him, UNDERSTOOD his line of work, RESPECTED him....he honestly believed there was nothing WRONG with having a FRIEND of the opposite sex.

She on the other hand KNEW that even this was wrong, that her H would not like it, but kept ACCEPTING the calls anyways. And then anniciated them.......

When it came to that fateful trip to Dallas, where the PA began (6 weeks after the phone calls started),....she crossed the physical lines first. Flirting with him during "social hour", touching his arm, tm'ing him before during and AFTER his big speech.....and during the next "social hour", they were on their way somewhere, flirting along the way, and she kissed him. Only a peck, BUT that (in his mind) gave him the green light. He never ever once thought of her H, her family....why would he????....and honestly, once all the bars were down and their spouses came into the picture, well, heck, they BELIEVED they were soulmates.....

I guess what I wanted to say was that the spouses do not figure into all of this. Neither do the children. Or the family unit. Her being married was not part of the thrill.....her being married didn't matter. And heck, since it didn't "seem" to matter to her, why should it have mattered to him?????.....I didn't matter to him, and thus I didn't "matter" to her......

And when the "spouses" did come into play, well, they is when the wayward brain takes over and the lies and halftruths come into play. They wayward will spin their own marriages in their brains and convey that half bake stories to their OP's. And why wouldn't their OP'S believe them???....If they don't believe them, then how can they believe what they are saying to each other???....and if they don't believe what they are saying to each other, then well it makes what they are doing, their actions....HORRIBLE, REHENSABLE......

And what person wants to think that they are CAPABLE of doing the unimanigable????.....

And when the OP does happen to think of the OP's spouse, they think that if this person took CARE of their marriage's and their spouses, then they wouldn't WANT to be with them......and that WANT,....well, it is a insideous addictive drug......

It is a very delicate, complicated web of lies, deciete, make-beliefs and fantasies that the affairee's build for themselves, and once they are entangled in it, well everyone else be damned......

not2fun

ps....your energy would be better spent on your marriage today....hard??? I KNOW....