Well, me and the wife have a party coming up in which there is a good chance that the other man will be there.

The party is for my wife and her high school freind as they both turn 50 in February. This has been in the works for about a year now.

Her friend is who actually hooked up my wife and the OM. She is dating the other man's brother.

I actually talked to my wife's friend the other day... we danced around the niceties... but she probably knows I hate her guts.

My wife and I have have discussed ground rules... It's probably OK for her to acknowledge this guy, but I told her I don't want her talking to him. She has agreed to stay by my side during the event and acknowledges that this is going to be somewhat awkward.

I reminded my wife that I'm very accute at picking up body language... so I think she will be on her toes.

I'm not going to deny my wife this party as it's important to her... but it sure will be interesting.

I've got my biker gotee going on, so I'll be in full intimidation mode. Fortunately I'll have some of my homeboys there... one guy is a bigger dude than I am.

This should be fun.

I think you're playing with fire. Don't you know that ANY contact, even VISUAL contact, resets the clock on withdrawal? That's why Dr. H says there can never be contact again for the rest of her life. Never!

Can't you "uninvite" OM?

Your wife's high school friend is no friend to the marriage.

Is this party more important to your wife (and you) than your marriage?

Sorry, I don't understand why you're willing to take this risk.

There is no really good way to say this and have the message received as intended, so ...

YOU ARE A FOOL TO EVEN CONSIDER ATTENDING THIS EVENT WITH YOUR WW!!!

She may WANT to go, but the fact that she can't is just another consequence of her actions ... and personally, I would INSIST on NC with her toxic friend also.

How could you go to an event that is for a woman who setup your wife to have an affair?

Are you nuts? Where is your pride, man?

I'm not going to deny my wife this party as it's important to her... but it sure will be interesting.

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NC means NC. Recovery means NC.

As far as this being important to your wife....who cares

Are you insane?

I know it's playing with fire. I'm not going to force my wife to break off contact with her old school mate. They won't be seeing each other too much and the wife has agreed to have me along if her friend wants her to go out. I have to show a certain amount of trust here.

I'll just be my old cocky, confident self at this gathering. Anyway I'll get to see who this guy is, and if we're lucky, we can have a testosterone showdown. (Just kidding.)

Would this 'schoolmate' be the POS that gave her married best friend an intro to OM?

Maybe.

Says who?

I don't think you understand the dynamics at play here.

This is NOT high school.

Oh well. Best of luck to you.

The very same.

Now you've answered my insane question.

Have fun when this all happens again.

...and your attendance (i.e. you and your FWW) should be cancelled due to (1) the part that friend played in the breakup of your M (she is NO friend of your FWW if that's what she did) and (2) the OM will likely be present (what part of NC do you not understand?)

You shouldn't have to. Your wife should've already ended her relationship with this ENABLER on her own.

She (the friend) is a piece of crap. That's reason enough to avoid that party like the plague.

I would never, ever, in a million years consider letting my W attend an event that I knew OM was attending. Ever. She would have to divorce me to attend that party.

Screw that party, and screw her friend. Figuratively, not literally.

You seem to think this is a highschool game.....listen to what is being told to you.
Your attitude is immature. STOP and THINK about it.

Recovery vs YOUR EGO

I'm not going to back down from people, places or events. I've got a right to be at place A, B & C, just as anyone else. I'm not going to cower.

I need my EGO. We'll see what happens.

Everyone is going to think you are the ultimate doormat. That she made you bring her.

No Contact should apply to her "friend" as well as OM.

You think this will HELP your EGO ... let me give you a clue as to how I would view it if I were in your WW's high school class and attending this party ... 1st, you can bet that EVERYONE there KNOWS about your WW and OM.

2nd, when you show up with her, almost EVERYONE is going to feel "how SORRY they are for you to HAVE to be there" ... that's right, they will ASSUME (rightfully so) that your WW made you come.

... and why did I say "almost" above, because OM will be thinking and probably saying to others "look at WW, she really wants me", why else would she put her BH through this just so she can see me again.

... and toxic BF will be thinking "God, why does WW put up with BH, he's such a weinie, he won't even stand up for himself to OM".

So if you're trying to protect your EGO, then you better STAND UP to your WW and say "HELL NO, I'll be damned if I take you see your OM ... him and toxic BF can both go to HELL!!!".

You don't understand what you are dealing with, Roy. Everytime she sees him she will be triggered and will be back to day 1 of recovery. You will be triggered. She will be the alcoholic who has just "one drink." This is 6 month affairs turn into 10 years affairs. How do you expect to be taken seriously about no contact by your wife when you refuse to use common sense to set minimal boundaries?

Does your logic make sense when we apply it a recovering alcoholic who wants to go to a bar?

"I'm not going to back down from people, bars or events. I've got a right to be at bars and parties, just as anyone else. I'm not going to cower."

Does that make any sense to you? Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience specializing in addictions and adultery and here is what he says:

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.